Moving On

I blogged very consistently for several years, but writing about my life has seriously dwindled for about the past three years.

A very sick spouse, grief and moving on into a new relationship have contributed to my absence.

But more so is this complete 180 in a particular aspect of my personality. The part of who I was that is kind of necessary to be a blogger: wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I kind of don't anymore.

Since Mark's death, I have become much more private about my personal thoughts and feelings.

And I don't know why.

I didn't need or want much help navigating my grief. I took the first year after my husband's death to JUST BE, to get comfortable with being a widow and with what life looked like without Mark (and everything that came with him) in it. I knew I was strong enough to get through it, and I guess I wanted to do it on my own.

(I am still an open book, however. If you ask me something, I'll answer honestly and from my heart. That will never change.)

Shortly after that first year, I decided I wanted to start dating. This was a surprise to me, as I had once thought I would have no desire to do so for a long time after my loss. Since I surprised myself with wanting to date, I didn't feel like I could adequately explain it to anyone else, so I kept quiet.

Just four months into online dating, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. Over the last 7 1/2 months, not only have I been all ushy-gushy over Sweet Man -- savoring every bit of it -- and again, staying pretty quiet (about our relationship) because I decided I don't care what anyone thinks about it.

Especially if there are any judgments floating around.

Fuck that. Don't need it. Not gonna have it.

I have earned my happiness and have zero desire to justify it to anyone.

For the record, I have no idea if anyone is harboring any negative judgments about how I've handled widowhood and finding love again. Maybe there aren't any. Probably not, honestly. But if there are, I don't care to know, so why would I open that particular can of worms by being all hey, look at me, my husband died and I've found love again....what do you think of that!?

I'm just over here living my life.

And I'm not sure I have anything else to say, to write about.

Sure, I'm still experiencing things, learning and growing and gaining wisdom and all that shit. But I don't find myself feeling the need to pontificate about any of it. I don't think I have anything unique to offer the world by sharing the things I go through publically.

I'm not special. I don't have more wisdom than anyone else (well, maybe a little about some things), and I don't want to be open to public criticism.

I'm also not willing to compare my relationships with Mark and Sweet Man. Those details of my life are too private and really only for me to think about.

Then there are my children. Well, my daughter is almost 18 and it's not really for me to chronicle her adult life. I don't feel it's appropriate to write much about my foster daughter because she's a ward of the state and there's a still on-going criminal case against her father. My son is in middle school, plays the bass clarinet and Fortnite and, well, big kids just aren't as interesting as babies and little kids, are they? Heck, even Jill Smokler, who founded Scary Mommy, has moved on from mom blogging!

Perhaps something will change in the future, and there is a lot of posterity here that I want to keep somehow, but it seems to me that my personal blogging journey has run its course.

I enjoy writing so maybe I will try to do some other form of it, but who knows?

Remember, I'm very Zen about these things.

This Shit is Real

"How are you?"

"I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm OK" are the standard answers, whether true or not.

I say them all the time. Partly because there are things I feel like I shouldn't -- or don't want to -- admit.

You know, things that could make me look vulnerable or weak.

Because I pride myself on being a strong person. I've earned it.

But you know what? I still have feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt, or weird and hard to understand.

One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.

10 Months Since My Husband Died

I had a string of things happen last week that jabbed at my heart and my brain (and exhausted me) to the point that I'm certain the Universe was trying to validate something I was mulling over.

You know how women have been particularly pissed off since last November, to the point that there was the biggest protest EVER the day after the inauguration? Then, last Wednesday was International Women's Day, when women were encouraged to participate in "A Day Without a Woman".

This isn't really about that. Per se.

8 Months Since My Husband Died & One Word for 2017

The song "Take it All" by the amazing Adele is one that speaks to me as I journey through the grief process.

Actually, it spoke to me even before Mark passed away. Probably because I knew he was going to (have to) leave me. I've really been grieving for, like two and a half years.

The lyrics are most obviously about a break-up. My husband and I didn't break up, but I've always thought that many love/break-up songs can easily be applied to other circumstances; felt in other ways, for other reasons.

6 Months Since My Husband Died

My husband died six months ago.

And it seems that all I can manage to write since he died are these periodic check-ins.

• How he died
• 6 weeks
• 3 months
• A bunch of grief quotes

(By the way, if you would like to follow more of what's going on with me, I do share updates more often than writing a whole blog post, on Instagram and Facebook.)

It seems that grief over the loss of one's spouse is pretty much all-consuming. While all loss of loved ones is hard and sad and sucky, I've come to believe that the death of the person you married is probably the worst (except for maybe the loss of a child). The hardest to get through or over or how ever you want to say it.

15 Quotes on Grieving

Two years ago this month I shared nine quotes I liked that had to do with grief.

I had felt grief, but it was naive grief, I believe. On the periphery, if you will. Before I had lost one of the most important people I will ever have in my life.

The quotes I shared before are fine. Good, actually. I mean, anything Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has said is excellent.

But there are several more that have touched my heart since my husband died, that truly resonate. That I have found and shared randomly but wanted to compile  and elaborate on.

For me specifically, my children have "mom's sad" radar and get very concerned and want to make it better. It's sweet, but also a little stifling in that it makes me feel like I can't fully openly grieve around them.

Three Months Since My Husband Died

I have wanted to write about things other than my husband's death and my and my kids' grief in the last month and a half....

I really have.

My daughter's Sweet 16 birthday, for example. With a lot of help from my besties, I threw her a luau themed party (on a cloudy Puget Sound day). Throwing parties is not something I do often (or well), but she loved it and had a great time, which was all that mattered to me.

I remember telling Mark when I first started thinking about having a big to-do for her, that it would happen no matter what, like if he was in the hospital or something. He asked why he'd be in the hospital and I replied, "because you just are sometimes, duh!" He asserted that he wouldn't be in the hospital.

I suppose he was right.

Six and a Half Weeks

Hi there.

It's been six and a half weeks since my husband died. That amount of time feels both like a lot and very little at the same time.

I get asked how the kids and I are doing by someone, in some way, probably every day. Honestly, we're doing better than I ever imagined we would.

So far.

We're not simply OKAY. Saying that would be too overly simplified and make it sound like losing Mark wasn't a huge and sad event in our lives.

Because it was. It is.

10 Things I Don't Do Anymore

I used to complete one load of laundry at a time. From sort to wash and dry, to fold and put away. I didn't start another one unless I fully intended to finish it.

And then I discovered how easy it is to let clean clothes sit in the basket. Until tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even until I need the basket again. Because sometimes, someone needs some clean clothes, but then shit happens and they don't get put away.

It's called prioritizing! There are more important things, you know?

The other day I was eyeing two baskets of clean clothes in my and Hubs' closet. One his, the other mine.

I thought, I should get that stuff put away. I even started to do it.

But then I dropped the shirt I was about to hang up and thought, you know what? Screw this. I don't need to do it right now.

A Spousal Caregiver's Battle Cry

You know how last week I said I don't want to talk about it? 'It' being chronic illness and caregiving.

Looking back, at least three other posts I've written since May have shown my struggle with this, both the actual circumstances and talking about them.

1. I Don't Think I'm Doing it Right
2. I Can't Blog...I Haz the Life
3. An Awful, Negative and Ranty Post

After reading last week's lame attempt at expressing myself, another spousal caregiver felt compelled to write to me on his own blog. In his letter, Paul was able to put into words ALL THE THINGS I have been mostly blocked from spilling myself.

I sat at the kitchen table, phone in my hand, slack-jawed, as I read Paul's letter. Tears sprang to my eyes as each and every sentence echoed and validated my own thoughts and feelings.

Four Life-Altering Choices

I've been feeling a bit of bloggy nostalgia since my five year anniversary passed at the end of April.

While many of my early posts kind of suck, there are some that I am very proud of, but that most of you probably never read. Either because I was ignorant of how to pimp myself, or because you hadn't discovered me yet (which I suppose kind of go together).

So I'm thinking while my family is in this place of flux due to the end of the school year, coupled with my husband being away from home in a rehab facility, I would dig up some gems, edit and republish.

___

I first wrote this post back on May 6, 2011.

It's about those decisions we make in life that change our lives in some way.

Desperately Seeking Balance

Once a week? Twice a week?

That's all I can manage to blog?

I don't like it.

It's making me sad.

I know many bloggers struggle to post regularly. But I never have. This is foreign to me.

Sure, sometimes my posts are fluff. Sometimes they're sponsored. Right now, though, I have thought after thought after feeling that I'd like to write about. Flesh them out, both for my benefit and someone else's.

An Interview With a Nine Year Old

This is the second year of a new tradition to ask my kids the same questions shortly after their birthdays to chronicle how their answers change over the years.

I shared Camryn's in the fall, after we got her school pictures back....

I completely forgot about AJ's school picture day, so I will use a photo my friend took, that I haven't shared anywhere else yet:

Transitions

As I mentioned in my first post of the year, my mother-in-law, who has been living nearby in order to be of help to us since my husband's hospital stay back in September, is going back home to California.

Today, in fact.

The reasons are personal to her, and have nothing to do with us. She doesn't want to leave, and does hope to return.

I have made no secret that 2014 was a bitch of a year for Mark. Several things started going south for him (his health), to the point that he is no longer working or driving. I've never been able to drive, because of my stupid eyes. Mark's mom's arrival on the scene was timed perfectly (completely by accident), and we've had the luxury of transitioning to a new way of life more gently than we could have hoped for.

Getting Back Into It: A Brain Dump

So I've taken nearly two weeks off from publishing anything here.

It's been good, but my blog has been on my mind the entire time. I've been thinking non-stop about so many things I could write.

It's funny, before I started to blog 4 1/2 years ago, I didn't fret over such things. Now that I do blog, it's like I HAVE to. Blogging is like crack.

Know what else is funny, that I feel the need to write about how much I've been thinking about writing before I can get on with what I want to say.

Thinking about what to share is clogging my brain so that actually doing the sharing is hindered!

I Need More Time

I was supposed to have more time for ALL THE THINGS when my kids went back to school after summer break.

For....

• Taking my walks
• Doing my chores
• Crocheting
• Keeping up with TV
• Making family dinners
• BLOGGING
• And.....

Things I want and need to do.

But just two weeks after school began my husband developed infection in multiple locations in his body, requiring a nine day hospitalization, including two procedures, and ongoing care at home and clinics ever since.

Grieving for the Man He Used to Be

My husband is not the same man he used to be. Every health setback he suffers shoves this fact in my face.

It's been on my mind a lot lately.

After a good friend died seven years ago I participated in a grief counseling group with mutual friends of hers. I learned a lot from it.

One of the biggest things I learned, that I didn't already know, is that loss comes in many forms. Death isn't the only way we experience loss.

Mark is alive, but we are most definitely grieving the loss of the healthier man he used to be.

And all the changes.

An Interview with a 14 Year Old

Last year I started a new tradition of having my kids answer the same 20 questions each year in order to watch how they change. I was inspired by Katie at Your Girls and Boys.

My daughter Camryn is 14 years old now and a freshman in high school.

This Time Last Year

October of 2013 saw some changes around this lil blog, and I thought I'd like to take a look back. Won't you join me?

The biggest thing is that I changed the name of my blog from "Just Jennifer" to "Dancing in the Rain". I have been so very happy with that decision! It just so much better represents me and what I'm doing here than a name that millions of other women share.