Falling in Love Again

A very surprising thing happened to me three months ago; I fell in love again.

I know, right!?

I say "again" because it is comparable to what I had with my late husband. If it wasn't, I wouldn't say again. Because the time, love and commitment that Mark and I shared set the bar high for me.

It's surprising because, although I was actively dating, I wasn't meeting men who were love and relationship material. Also, I sincerely didn't expect to find what many widows call their "chapter two".

But I think I have.

An Open Letter to Those Who Would Judge a Widow

Dear Random Dude on a Dating Site,

You saw my online dating profile and decided to message me. You must have thought I was cute or liked something I wrote in my bio.

Everything started out just fine; your standard introductory small talk. Then you asked how dating has been going for me. I answer and ask the same of you. You ask what I'm looking for. I say that I'm dating and hoping to find someone to have a relationship with.

Then you say, "You must not have loved your husband very much."

What?!?

9 Musings on Grief

1. I fucking hate grief.

2. It adds insult to injury because you're forced to lose someone you love, which rips your heart out and throws it onto the floor.

3. Totally exposed, raw and sensitive.

15 Quotes on Grieving

Two years ago this month I shared nine quotes I liked that had to do with grief.

I had felt grief, but it was naive grief, I believe. On the periphery, if you will. Before I had lost one of the most important people I will ever have in my life.

The quotes I shared before are fine. Good, actually. I mean, anything Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has said is excellent.

But there are several more that have touched my heart since my husband died, that truly resonate. That I have found and shared randomly but wanted to compile  and elaborate on.

For me specifically, my children have "mom's sad" radar and get very concerned and want to make it better. It's sweet, but also a little stifling in that it makes me feel like I can't fully openly grieve around them.

Something My Son Said

One night (sometime last month), my husband was having a particularly rough time. His blood sugar had gone low and then he needed to go to the bathroom several times.

Low blood sugars, for Mark, at least, tend to cause the need to use the toilet. Let's just leave it at that. Because TMI.

Well, Mark had just had a doozy of an insulin reaction, plus his muscles are already weak, so getting from the bed to the bathroom was very hard for him. He was requiring quite a bit of help from me and everything was just a very frustrating mess.

I became emotional at one point. Our son, AJ (who turns 10 next week), has some sort of "mom is upset" radar, so he got emotional too. In between things Mark needed help with, I talked to AJ about what he was feeling.

How I Do It

I recently shared an article on Facebook about how caregivers aren't superheroes. It asserts that "superhero" isn't a good enough descriptor for a caregiver.

My aunt commented her agreement, and that she doesn't know how I do it.

I am so very appreciative to know that others think I'm doing a good job. Validation, you know?

But then I got to thinking about how to respond.

How do I do it?

A Spousal Caregiver's Battle Cry

You know how last week I said I don't want to talk about it? 'It' being chronic illness and caregiving.

Looking back, at least three other posts I've written since May have shown my struggle with this, both the actual circumstances and talking about them.

1. I Don't Think I'm Doing it Right
2. I Can't Blog...I Haz the Life
3. An Awful, Negative and Ranty Post

After reading last week's lame attempt at expressing myself, another spousal caregiver felt compelled to write to me on his own blog. In his letter, Paul was able to put into words ALL THE THINGS I have been mostly blocked from spilling myself.

I sat at the kitchen table, phone in my hand, slack-jawed, as I read Paul's letter. Tears sprang to my eyes as each and every sentence echoed and validated my own thoughts and feelings.

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Daughter?

Dear 14 Year Old Girl I Call My Daughter,

Every single year something changes in you. Often it starts the month before your birthday in July. For example, when you turned 14 last year you finally began having more of an opinion on what clothes you wanted to wear. You also got very into anime.

I thought that might be the extent of the changes for this age. Boy, was I wrong!

Everything about you morphed into something different after starting high school.

During the first four months of this school year, you went from being my sweet, funny, quirky little girl, to a full-fledged adolescent with an attitude to match.

How I Really Feel About Valentine's Day

When my daughter doesn't like something she says it "can go die in a hole".

Not sure I feel quite that strongly about Valentine's Day, but close.

I haven't always been a V-Day poo-poo-er. Oh no, I I'm usually a hopeless hopeful romantic. When others would contend that couples shouldn't need a special day to express their love for each other, I would think they're just being difficult and contrary. Is there something wrong with buying your love a box of chocolates?

But this year, looking around at all the pink and red, heart-shaped, cutesy, frilly, fluffy sweet shit in every store is....kind of making me what to hurl.

I Promise

As part of adapting to the physical changes my husband has gone through in this last year, and how it changes some things for us as a family, we recently met with a social worker.

She asked several pretty personal questions about our relationship and how it is doing.

Where we stand.

Because oftentimes the significant other of someone with chronic illness decides to leave.

The social worker asked us, "How long have you been married?"

"16 years," I answered. In my head I always add, "Together for 20," because those first four years matter too.

The Caregiving Learning Curve

In the wake of my husband's most recent hospital stay, the wounds left to (try to) heal and his inability to walk, I had a moment when I thought, "Is this all that's left for us? For me?"

Like, is taking care of my husband, accompanying him to appointments, refilling his meds....all the things he needs these days, what my life is now? Am I much more of a caregiver than anything else?

This thought made me sad. For several reasons....

What about our marriage? Our friendship? Being a couple, in any sense of the word? I'm afraid that will all fall away....

I've never felt unfulfilled by "just" raising kids, so why does the thought of "just" taking care of my husband make me feel differently?

Confessions of a Blogger: Spreading Bloggy Social Media Love

Bloggers love getting comments on their posts. As long as they're not from ugly internet trolls or spammers, that is.

I love them too, don't get me wrong.

But here's the thing, another aspect of this blogging gig is the use of social media to tell people about our posts so they will get read in the first place.

The social media platforms are busy, and different from one another. Twitter streams fly by right before our eyes, Facebook continues to change the rules on us and so many of us still don't fully get Google+....

The View From Here: Blended Family Bliss

For the second to the last week of "The View From Here", I bring you a man.

Lance Burson is a writer living outside Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and 3 daughters.

He's a published author of 2 books, The Ballad Of Helene Troy and Soul To Body,

available on amazon.com for kindle and lulu.com in paperback.

He co-runs the politics and pop culture site, Lefty Pop - Suckers For Politics And Pop Culture

and blogs at My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog.

__________

Blended Family Bliss

I'm terrible at taking compliments, but my favorite one is when people find out my wife and 3 daughters and I constitute a blended family and say "oh, wow, I could've sworn you guys had been together from the start."

First Comes Love

Boy and girl meet.

Flowers, candles and Zima woo.

Girl and boy decide to forge ahead together.

What We Add Up To

One diabetic man on dialysis with various complications.

+

One anxious visually impaired woman.

+

10 Reasons I'm Thankful For My Mother On Her Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday!

Everyone say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN'S MOM!!"

Or, you could use her name, which is Deanne (Dee-ann).

I am her only child and we live in different states. I never get to celebrate her birthday with her, so I thought I would write up a list of the best things about her to let her feel my love today.

Lovey Dovey

I am  a day late and a dollar short, but I had this post almost nearly finished before my Valentine's Day got completely screwed up and I can't stand the thought of the time I took going to waste, so Imma publishing it anyway.

__________

The Old School Blogging theme this month is Love/Valentine's!

Syrupy sweet.

Froo-froo.

This is how my husband describes romantic gestures. He's not one for PDA and hates the idea of forced romance. He's not much of a snuggler (we have a king size bed). Also, he thinks that women should be romantic too.

 Granted, it took some getting used to, but I have no doubt that my husband loves me. He shows me in so many other ways. And he has been known to buy me flowers, chocolates and a sappy card on occasion.

The Questions

How do you typically celebrate Valentine's Day? Usually we try to do something nicer than usual for dinner, whether it's going out (just us or as a family) or choosing something special to have at home. Maybe something for dessert too. This year we are having steak and baked potatoes which we are NOT sharing with the kids! (A day late.)

Do you like to get A) chocolates B) flowers  C) a sweet card or D) ALL OF THE ABOVE? I love flowers, but since we've never had a large home, I often feel like they're just in the way. And then they die. I like chocolate and I like sweet cards. I like wine, good food and a good movie more.

Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”?  If not, would you at least cuddle on Valentine’s Day? I am a cuddler, but like I already said, Mark is not. He likes to a little bit, but mostly he just likes being near me. I get my cuddles from my kids and my kitty, though.

What is your favorite movie about love or with a love story? Well, I mean, The Princess Bride for sure. I love When Harry Met Sally and Love, Actually too. The biggest romantic tear-jerker? P.S. I Love You, hands down.

Do you believe in “love at first sight”? Did it happen to you? I don't know if it was love at first sight, but I was immediately drawn to, and intrigued by, Mark when I met him. I absolutely believe in love at first sight when it comes to our children.

Do you believe love can conquer all things? I think I do, but not necessarily romantic love. Just LOVE in general.

What is one of the main things you love about your S.O.(significant other)? I wrote a whole list of things once. One of the biggest things, though, is his fortitude.

Tell me about your first crush! My VERY first crush -- we're talking elementary school here -- was this cute blond-haired, blue-eyed, freckle-faced kid named Kevin. I just thought he was so adorable. We once sat in the "love tunnel" on the school playground and our little friends dared us to kiss. We were too chicken.

Do you have any embarrassing or horror dating stories? I didn't really "date" much. I met guys through school or a mutual friend and we just hung out and become a couple, I guess. I can't think of anything horrible that ever happened.

Favorite flower? Rose.

What’s the first type of chocolate you hope for when you reach into a box of chocolates? Caramel or coconut.

Favorite love song? Our song is "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin, and it really is a very nice love song. I chose Celine Dion's "Because You Loved Me" as our wedding dance song. I say "I chose" because Mark hates Celine Dion and only went along with it because of the lyrics.

What is the best breakup song? Pretty much the entire "Jagged Little Pill" album by Alanis Morissette, and "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson. Not really a breakup song, but "U + Ur Hand" by Pink is a great "leave me alone, guys" song.

Favorite celebrity couple? Wills & Kate!

Overall, are you pro- or anti- Valentine’s Day? Oh, it just IS. I could do without it, especially now that I also have a wedding anniversary. And when you're single, it makes you feel lonely. So....it's kinda nice, but also kind of a pain.

If someone did that “Say Anything” boom box thing outside your window, would you be into it, or call the police? I'd totally be into it!

First thing you notice about the objects of your affection? I don't entirely understand this question, but I'm taking it to mean, what stands out to me about the people I love. And that's just that they're in my life and how much they fill me up, and how I get something different from each person.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever gotten for Valentine’s Day? Jewelry!

The Romance is Still Alive

Scene: As we're getting ready to go to bed, Mark is in the kitchen taking his meds and testing his blood sugar. I walk up behind him, place my hands on his upper arms and rest my head on his shoulder. We stand there quietly like that for a few seconds and....

Me: I love you.

Mark: I love you too.

A few more seconds pass and...

Me: I still don't know why I love you.

I giggle, let go and start to walk away....

Mark: Well, you can sleep on it and maybe the answer will come to you in the morning.

Me, calling back from the living room: It seems I've been sleeping on it for 19 years!

Mark: That just means you're dedicated.

Me: I think it means I'm slow.

Ah, marriage!

Please Stop Being Judgy

I am absolutely sick and bloody tired of everyone passing judgments on others.

It's pissing me off, actually.

Assumptions. Expectations. Preconceived notions. Prejudices. Judgments.

Just stop it.

Find something else to do.

You are no better than me. I am no better than you.

People's personal lifestyle choices have nothing to do with you.

Other's circumstances are not your circumstances.

We can find people who have things in common with us. We can get to know each other, form connections, bond. But at the end of the day, you don't know what it's truly like to live in my skin, and I don't know what it's like to live in yours.

We have different experiences. Different paths to walk. These things shape us. No two lives are the same.

So how, may I ask, can you have the nerve to question someone else?

source

The mommy wars are bullshit. Nobody really cares which moms work outside the home and which ones don't. And actually, our definitions of "working" need to get broader.

In any case, those sorts of decisions are PERSONAL to each INDIVIDUAL woman and her family. They are none of your business. Just trust that each woman has her reasons for the choices she makes.

How to be a Christian without being a jerk about it

While I'm at it, please for the love of God, stop judging others based on what you believe spiritually. That, my friends, is an even more personal thing than whether you work or not. Religious/spiritual beliefs are just about the most intimate part of us. There are churches, synagogues and temples where we can go for public fellowship with others whose beliefs are similar to ours. Still, they are YOURS and not to be proselytized. I believe that when someone thinks less of you because you don't believe what they do, they are actually doing the direct opposite of what most religions teach.

Hating on the Poor is SO Funny!

It's not your business to wonder at why someone is on food stamps but has an iPhone. It's no concern of yours if your next door neighbor is gay. It shouldn't matter to you if someone is fat or skinny. You should not care if a couple has only one child or six. And you sure as hell shouldn't give a damn if Miley Cyrus wants to twerk onstage with Robin Thicke!

We can think something is a little weird, fishy, off, or "that's not something I would do/choose". But unless it directly affects you or someone you love in some negative way....don't worry about it.

Look, there are simply SO MANY variables to consider in life. And when it's not even YOUR life? When it's someone else's variables? WHO ARE YOU to judge?

So I'm saying, I'm done with it. SO DONE.

In a world where the mentally ill are so poorly helped that they shoot little children at school and a 12 year old girl feels the need to end her own life due to bullying......all I can conclude is that what we need most is a whole lot more LOVE.

I am not talking about crime and terrible, awful things that people do to hurt others (although there are courts of law to judge that). I'm just talking about our personal business and lifestyle choices.

Let Me Count the Ways

Over two years ago I wrote a post about my love for my husband in which I quoted Elizabeth Barrett Browning's Sonnet #43. To this day it remains one of the best things I've ever written.

In it I explain how I love him, why we're soul mates and how our love has grown over the years. But why do I think he's great? What are my favorite things about him?

Let me count the ways....

The Awesomeness of Mark

1. He makes me laugh. A lot.

2. He loves me.

3. He's trustworthy.

4. He's a great dad. He loves spending time with the kids, and can't get over how beautiful they are.

5. He can cook! Really well. If he had the energy for it, he would have loved to be a chef. He started a culinary program once, but quickly realized he just didn't have the stamina for it.

6. He is faithful to those he cares about.

7. One of his missions in life is to make sure I am never without the things that make me happy.

8. He strives to see the good in everything.

9. He has been my greatest teacher. From cooking to how to be more outgoing to common courtesy to what the gene for dwarfism is called. The man knows stuff. Our son thinks he knows everything. Don't even get me started on all he teaches us through his struggles.

10. He's a fighter.

11. He made a Xbox avatar that looks almost exactly like him, socks with sandals and all.

I married a good guy, that's for sure.

___
Linked with Tuesday Ten on 4/21/2015.