Forcing Thankful

I've been in the downy-dumps most of this week, despite trying thing after thing to raise my spirits.

It hasn't been all terrible-awful, but definitely a whole lot of blah and meh. And sigh. And maybe some ugh.

One thing -- on top of the other many things -- which has been weighing on me is that my husband has had C. diff since (at least) sometime after his last round of antibiotics began the week of our son's birthday last month.

10 Things I Don't Do Anymore

I used to complete one load of laundry at a time. From sort to wash and dry, to fold and put away. I didn't start another one unless I fully intended to finish it.

And then I discovered how easy it is to let clean clothes sit in the basket. Until tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even until I need the basket again. Because sometimes, someone needs some clean clothes, but then shit happens and they don't get put away.

It's called prioritizing! There are more important things, you know?

The other day I was eyeing two baskets of clean clothes in my and Hubs' closet. One his, the other mine.

I thought, I should get that stuff put away. I even started to do it.

But then I dropped the shirt I was about to hang up and thought, you know what? Screw this. I don't need to do it right now.

Something's Gotta Give with Gun Violence

Tomorrow is the one-year anniversary of the shooting at Marysville-Pilchuck High School.

I live in Marysville, Washington (and have two kids in school). It's a bedroom community bursting at its borders with 10 elementary schools, four middle schools, and another four high school campuses.

Children everywhere!

There are not a lot of violent crimes here. Still, on Friday, October 24, 2014, a 15-year-old boy brought one of his father's handguns to school with him, walked into the cafeteria, and shot five of his friends and then himself, all in the head.

Only one of the kids survived. He was the shooter's cousin.

Blogging Existentialism

For the entire last year it has been difficult for me to get my stuff out here. To write.

To share my life with whoever is interested.

This bothers me so much. I remember, like, four years ago, as I was getting all gung-ho about blogging, that I would often come across other bloggers who were complaining of writer's block and time constraints or whathaveyou thinking, "that'll never be me. I never seem to have a shortage of things to write about and the words just flow....".

Yet here I am.

I want so badly to be able to write for other sites, to lend my perspective where appropriate, to a wider audience, and maybe even be paid for it (is that OK to say?). But if I can't even manage to maintain my personal blog any more than once a week -- for myself -- how am I supposed to write for anyone else?

*scratches head.

Daily Diabetic Complications

No one is supposed to actually come out and say this, but Diabetes is an insidious disease that kills you slowly over time.

Truth.

Even if you take the best care of yourself you possibly can, some complication of Diabetes will most likely lead to your demise.

I don't even want to list all the problems that can crop up because it is too long and depressing. Quite commonly, Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness and kidney disease, two terrible and permanent afflictions.

I married a man with Type 1 Diabetes and over the years have been watching it take its toll on him. It actually started its rampage in Mark before I met him. He was diagnosed at age 9 and by 25 he was legally blind, was losing kidney function and neuropathy had begun in this feet. Once his kidneys failed he was blessed to receive a kidney and pancreas transplant which commenced a six year reprieve from Diabetes (and dialysis).

I'm Still Lucky

I read some awful news on Facebook yesterday.

A blogger friend's wife passed away. I knew she had been diagnosed with breast cancer some time back, but I had apparently not kept up with how she was doing...

But that's not my point. It floored me, of course because of the loss, but also because fuck yeah, that does happen. People do lose their best friend and significant other. All the time, in fact.

And there is a very real possibility that it will happen to me.

What Compassion Means to Me

Earlier this week I posted about what a pretty perfect day for me would be like.

I wrote it that way because of how overwhelmed by my life I was feeling in that moment, and I wanted to speak up for my personal happiness and sanity.

But before sitting down to write that post, I had thought I might write about what I would want for the world at large, if I had my way.

About things that really matter to me, that tug at my heart and I feel compassion for.

Not that fixing any of those things would be easy. But in a perfect world....

::

I asked my 9 year old son if he knew what compassion was. He said he sort of does, that "it's when you have compassion for people".

When I asked him to clarify what having compassion for people IS, he didn't really know what to say.

I told him that you have compassion for others when you are able to put yourself in their place for a minute and try to get a sense of what their life is like. When you see what some one's circumstances are and feel something about it. Maybe you want to help, or maybe you just show concern. It's also when you are KIND to others because they need some kindness.

My son's attention started to drift so I stopped there. But there's quite a bit more to it, isn't there?

Life is Too Short

Life is too short for....

Beating your head up against the wall, never to accept the things you can't change.

That last phrase obviously refers to the serenity prayer:

I live by it. I have a small printout of it in a cheap blue frame on my bathroom wall.

3 Things I've Been Thinking About

Personal bloggers....we think people wanna know what's on our minds. I mean, that's why you're here, right?

One thing has been on my mind for over a week. One has been on my heart since the 11th. And the other just became a thing to chew on yesterday.

First, I experienced what Oprah would call (did she make it up or did she hear it somewhere...?) a "full circle moment" when I sent my kids to visit my mom in Lake Tahoe, just like I used to do three times a year, before moving to live with her, when I was a kid.

The View From Here: A Life Full of Awesome

I may have strong-armed this week's View contributor: Chrissy of Quirky Chrissy.

I say that because I went to the fabulous blogging group we're both a part of on Facebook

and whined asked for bloggers to sign up. She expressed interest, and then I

continued to nudge....and nudge....until she committed!

And, um, she wrote the perfect piece for this week.

__________

A Life Full of Awesome

You know how, as an adult, you covet the weekends even more than you did when you were a kid? And even more so, you covet the weekends that house your birthday? An unlucky leap year desperately close to your next weekend birthday aside, every 6th and 7th year, you get the joy of celebrating your birthday on a weekend night. No work the next day. No school the next day. Just you and your birthday. And possibly a hangover.

The View From Here: I am String Cheese

 This week is, honestly, one of those weeks when I am very happy I have a guest blogger

to fall back on for some quality content! If you have liked the Dancing in the Rain Facebook page,

you may have seen my posts all about my husband's double surgery on Tuesday.

Between that, my kids and so many logistical things to take care of,

I have not had any time or energy to write.

 So, today's View is from The Sarcasm Goddess of For the Love of Writing.

Her online persona is usually one of humor. She can be very funny indeed.

But today you will see her serious side. Her vulnerable yet brave side.

She asked me if I thought it was too depressing. It's so not depressing.

I am honored that she feels safe enough to share this side of herself here.

__________

I am String Cheese

I am string cheese. With each pull, a layer of me is peeled away. I have left strings in the bed and in the shower. I have left strings in the closet, my hands trembling as they skim the hangers. Which clothes will conceal the strings of me that remain, the ones that, in time, will be pulled away until there is nothing left of me?

The View From Here: Choose to Fly

The View for this first week of February comes from one of my best friends.

I have known Jessica for 10 years. She lives just 2 miles away from me.

She is actually responsible for me starting to blog.

It was her suggestion that led me to set this space up almost four years ago.

Jess has a blog too, the title of which I love: Anything But, and Then Some.

Her blogging has been inconsistent over the years, but it is my hope that

doing this post for me might help reboot her writing.

__________

Choose to Fly

Flying or falling?

Can any of us really tell? Can you say right now, for absolute certainty that this woman is flying. Sure she looks confident, at peace, and even in control, but change your perspective just a little…

And suddenly, she’s falling. She’s not even fighting, she’s completely given up, letting gravity pull her to whatever lies below.

Of course, it isn’t just perception that causes us to soar through the clouds or fall to the ground. It is life, the breaths we take, the roles we play, and the people we surround ourselves with. It is challenge and hardship, perfection and peace. It is love and loss and everything in between.

We are all either flying to the hope and love that lies ahead, burning through the darkness toward a destination that may not always be easy to get to, but worth the travel it takes to get there…

OR…

We are falling to the loss, the lies and the anger that we hold onto, caring not for where we are going, but only for where we have been and the darkness we found along the way.

Flying or falling is a choice we make, not just daily, but sometimes moment to moment. The ability to keep yourself off the ground and forward moving isn’t easy… EVER. It’s a constant struggle to choose to breathe it in and let it go, live with love, light and joy. It is the balance of grace and humility, self-recognition and awareness. It is learning from your mistakes, owning your choices, and making right what you have put wrong. It is allowing yourself to love and be loved. It is letting people past your walls and making the effort to knock on the walls of others. It is saying what you need and what you want.

I choose to fly. I have to. I fell once, twice… More times than I can count. I fell hard and fast sometimes, unable to even see the point I stopped flying. Other times I fell slowly, aware I was on my way down, but not all that willing to fight my way back up. Falling seemed less like a choice I was making and more like a position I had been put in. As if someone had pushed me or forced me. I fell with intention sometimes, thinking it was the only way people would see me. In the end, people just left me behind, shrugging their shoulders and shaking their heads as they soared higher and higher until they were gone and I was really left alone, like I thought I wanted… But it wasn’t what I wanted at all.

It felt impossible to fly again, but what was really impossible was to keep on falling. So I pushed my way up, and I keep doing it every day. I choose to soar through those clouds and leave that darkness behind me, not forgetting it, but no longer holding onto it. Constantly learning from my actions and my words, reaching out to others, saying how I feel or what I need and listening along the way. I earn what I want and give what others need.

I’m not perfect, certainly. I fall sometimes, still and always, but I’ve learned something. Falling doesn’t mean failure, it doesn’t mean giving up. It isn’t your fall that matters, it’s whether you get back up. It’s how hard you fight to fly. It’s asking for help, reaching out, and pushing past the feeling that those who are flying don’t care about those who are falling.  It’s not bringing others down with you, but allowing them to lift you up. Falling doesn’t have to be how you live, but a moment in your life. You can learn how to fall just like you learned how to fly.

Today I chose to fly. Tomorrow I will have that choice ahead of me again. My perception, my destination, and my life will never be easy, but I will always try to keep flying. I hope those I love make the same choices, but I can’t force them and I certainly can’t carry them. All I can do is love them, whether they are flying close or falling away.

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This is pretty great, right?

One big thing Jess and I have in common is that she sees life as a journey.

Like me, she knows that we are put on this planet to learn and grow and become.

Wanna get to know her better? You can connect with Jess at her:

Blog - Twitter - Instagram - Etsy (she is creative too)

**If you are interested in contributing YOUR View, please go HERE**

Heavy Burdens Take Their Toll

I don't mean to harp on this subject, but suddenly doing a little traveling by myself has brought some not-so-happy things to the surface for my husband..

On the Thursday I was gone for my friend's birthday, Mark spent the whole day alone. He didn't have work, the kids were at school, plus the schools got locked-down due to some police activity and they were both late getting home.

Most of us LOVE having that much time alone. Some never get that kind of time.

I assumed Mark would love it. I thought he might sit around in his boxer briefs and a holey t-shirt playing Xbox and rocking out.

Instead, spending the day by himself only served to give him ample time to dwell on the negative aspects of his life.

"Negative" is not a word I usually use in any sentence that has to do with my husband.

Mark used to be the most positive individual I knew. He taught me about looking on the bright side, focusing on the good and being grateful for what one has rather than what one doesn't have.

He has been my rock and my inspiration in living life as fully as you can under whatever circumstances you have.

But he has been living with Type 1 (insulin dependent) Diabetes for 30 years. Would be 36 if not for the kidney and pancreas transplant he had for six years.

He has had to endure blindness, neuropathy (nerve damage), kidney disease (for which he has been on dialysis for the last 12 years), heart disease (3 heart attacks, double bypass and arrhythmia) and a toe amputation.

Mark is understandably weary of it all.

Living with chronic illness is a notorious cause of depression. Yes, let's do heap depressive feelings on top of physical ailments, shall we? Because what's ONE MORE thing?

There are medications for depression and he is on one. He started taking it again after his last heart attack in November. It helps, but as my therapist says, Mark keeps "bumping up against" some rather upsetting feelings.

While I was gone and he was alone, his mind went to the dark places. Where thoughts of his mortality and just how much his health problems suck live.

After I returned home Saturday night, Mark said some things to me. He said that while he's happy for me to get the opportunity to do a little traveling, he is also jealous because he doesn't think he'll ever get to. He went on to say: "Nothing is going to get any better for me. It's only going to get worse."

I thought about that for a moment. While I did insist that he doesn't know if/when he might be able to take a trip, I couldn't argue with the rest. There is no cure for Diabetes, the only way to get off dialysis is to receive a kidney transplant and because he had another heart attack, that prospect is looking even more unlikely than it already had been.

That harsh reality had me sitting on the floor, bawling my eyes out. It breaks my heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

Especially because just as I have been feeling so much better about myself and my life, am working on being Brave and doing things I wouldn't ordinarily do, my soul mate is feeling the opposite.

Where can he find hope?

I have all kinds of answers to that question. I can extol his virtues and remind him of all the GOOD there is left in his life. I can remind him of how much the kids and I love him, that the fact he was able to build a family is in itself such a huge accomplishment and blessing. I can tell him how much other people love him and appreciate what he brings to their lives. I could simply tell him to knock off all the negativity, that it's not allowed....

But you can't make someone feel something they don't. Feelings are what they are. They're not rational and they don't always make sense.

Maybe Mark just needs to work through these "bumps". It's certainly understandable that he is struggling. He has been carrying these burdens for so long. So long. And they're heavy. How much can one person hold before they break? Honestly, he's still doing better than some might, even if a little more negativity is creeping in.

On the other hand, what if he doesn't work through them. What if I can't let go of the guilt that, even with my bad eyes, I am still more able to go off and have fun?

I have no control over so much of this. I think all I can do is continue to love Mark like I always have, and to try and lift the heaviness wherever I can. Maybe I can try to find peace somewhere in there. Hopefully he can too.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

Just a Blip

I was really enjoying not spending time at the hospital.

I have loved not feeling completely freaked out.

But I knew something was coming. I don't know how I knew, but I did.

I was starting to feel overly anxious out of the blue. Unsettling thoughts kept rearing their ugly little heads in my mind.

Always, though, we think of ways to try not to worry needlessly. When Mark didn't feel well on Sunday it was easy to explain it away as, "Oh, he just needs his dialysis on Monday."

I did ask him, "Honey, do you think how you feel could have something to do with your heart?"

"No!", he replied. "This isn't that."

When dialysis didn't make him feel that much better, but he went to work anyway, it wasn't hard to assume he'd be alright. Eventually.

Monday night after work he complained of how tired he was. And proceeded to help me with dinner. So I thought he was just tired.

Right after we ate, however, he started complaining of being very achy and he could not get comfortable in any position. He was sick to his stomach and short of breath.

I was feeling increasingly uneasy. Mark had dialyzed just that morning and I've never seen his blood sugar level (which happened to be high) have any bearing on his ability to breath.

We decided to call 911. Their blood pressure and EKG results seemed good, but just based on how high Mark's sugar was, they took him to the hospital.

I knew, though, his blood sugar being high was just an added complication. I was certain it wasn't really the problem. It was high only because his insulin pump hose had gotten clogged while he was at work.

The ER confirmed my fears, that Mark may have been having a heart attack. As it turns out, an Angiogram on Tuesday confirmed a blockage. It was opened up and a stent was placed.

Problem. Solution. Right?

It took a good hour after learning it wasn't anything worse, for some relief to settle in on me. I wasn't feeling celebratory by any means. I'm still not.

I was just so scared. So scared.

This is Mark's third heart attack. He has had double bypass and Ventricular Tachycardia. His heart has stopped and been shocked back into beating.

I have gotten phone calls from the hospital. The worst phone calls.

All of this has damaged me. There are scars, both literal and figurative. There is trepidation.

My dad gave me a list of reasons I should be happy about how this played out:

• Before the Holidays
• Before winter has set in
• We did the right thing, getting Mark in when he needed it
• He will feel better now
• All things considered, this is minor

I suppose I can agree with all of that. My dad's not wrong, by any means. I'm all for putting things into perspective....

I'm pretty sure I will sleep better tonight.

It's just that, now my fears, the heaviness that comes with loving someone who is chronically ill and whom you will undoubtedly outlive, are all stirred up again.

This may be just a blip, a hiccup, but there's simply always more to it than that. For me, anyway.

The View From Here: Your Perspective, Your Voice

I would like to start a guest post series.

Once a week, on Thursdays.

One of the things I love most about blogging is finding my Voice. HAVING a Voice.

Each and every one of us has a unique perspective on life.

My perspective is shaped by disability and chronic illness, as well as being a woman, marriage and motherhood. Other extenuating circumstances include being an only child, my parents' divorce, where I've lived and pivotal moments in life where "two roads diverged in a wood (and I took the one less traveled by)"*.

I write here about MY perspective. Other bloggers do the same thing in their spaces....or not. Some aren't as personal as others. Some maybe are still finding their Voice. Or it's still evolving.

Maybe you're sharing your perspective as I do, but when you get right down to it, what are the nuts and bolts of who you are? What are the things (people, places, experiences) that have shaped your unique take on life? Your opinions, beliefs and values. What ARE those opinions, beliefs and values?

Would you like to share them with me? I would love it if you did!

One way to think about it is like getting to elaborate on some quote image you clicked and shared on Facebook. You saw it and it spoke to you for some reason so you shared it. Well, what was the reason? Why do you feel strongly about it?

A "The View From Here" guest post for me can stay true to your blog's tone, or it can be different. You can be completely serious, touching, light-hearted or snarky. Whatever it is you want to express about YOUR perspective on something.

EXCEPT: I will not publish anything that expresses intolerance, bigotry, hate or just plain meanness. My blog will not support any of that crap. If you have those sorts of opinions, you should keep them to yourself.

So how 'bout it? Think you want to write for me?

The first guest in this series will be here next Thursday, October 3rd. And then every Thursday thereafter!

You wanna know who's kicking this series off for me? I am very happy to say it is Kristi of Finding Ninee! She is the beautiful heart behind the Our Land of Empathy and Wonder series which I had the privilege of writing for this summer (there's a button in my sidebar).

After Kristi, I need YOU! I have created a Google form for you to let me know you're interested. Be warned, if you don't submit your info yourself, and I want you to write for me, I will be forced to put you on the spot, and I am NOT shy about such things!



I will also create a The View From Here page where this form, and the posts, will live.

*Bonus points if you know who wrote these words.

You think this is an awesome idea and you totally want to contribute, right? RIGHT??

Say yes.

Of course I would absolutely LOVE IT if any of the Yeah Writers would like to contribute
their Voices to this series! C'mon guys, you'd make this girl very happy!

At the End of the Day

Just last week I confided to a couple of my friends that regardless of how much I generally wear my heart on my sleeve, I still think there are a few things I can't, or shouldn't, say.

Also, I do get very tired of harping on the stuff I deal with. It is what it is.

Of course, though, a big reason I blog is to air it all out, to share my life perspective. For the benefit of GETTING IT OUT,  and if, perchance, someone in a similar situation came here and felt like somebody understands....

Life is a mixed bag. A big, jumbled, tissues, chewed bubblegum, hair clips, chap stick and change in the bottom MESS of a bag.

There are things that you make happen, whether intentionally or not, and things that happen TO you.

For example, wanting to have a child. I wanted that and made it happen. On the other hand, my eye problems happened to me. That was not something I wanted.

I'm not sure how to categorize my husband's health problems.

I met him as a visually impaired Diabetic. I married him as a sighted kidney-pancreas transplant recipient. Now, and for the last almost 12 years, Mark is a Diabetic on dialysis with multiple heart conditions.

Mark and I made the transplant happen. But the rest of it? Happened to him/us. No one wanted any of it. No one wants any of it.

They say it's not what you're given but how you handle it that matters. I tend to agree. More on that later.

Because sometimes I get disheartened, even angry, about what we've been given.

Did I ask for a sick husband because I married him knowing the possibilities?

I don't think so. Even when two people getting married are both perfectly healthy and they say the vows "in sickness and in health", they don't really think about the possibility of sickness. And perfectly healthy people can develop health problems down the road.

When you get married and say those vows, though, you sign up for it all. In our case, "it all" is a lot. Not as much as some, but more than most.

I didn't want to be worried all the time. I didn't want ever to be faced with the idea of being a young(ish) widow. I didn't want to deal with nasty low blood sugars that take everything out of both of us. I didn't want to feel like hospitals are my second home. Regardless of how informed I may or may not have been on my wedding day, I didn't bargain for the disease(s) to lead to a loss of intimacy with the love of my life. I didn't want every cough, sneeze, ache and pain my husband has to make me think about worst case scenarios. Every. Single. Time. I didn't want PTSD because my husband has had to be shocked back to life on more than one occasion.

To know the itemized cost of resuscitation. How much a life is worth. Around $346.

I never wanted to feel helpless sitting at home because I cannot simply jump in the car and get to wherever Mark or one one of my kids is at a moment's notice. I never wanted to feel like this life, these limitations, are holding me back, that there are things I simply cannot do. That because of all this crap, I have so many worries, and I hesitate. I question. I fear. I am damaged.

And yet. And yet I am happy.

To know true and abiding love. To be a mom. To have sweet and generous family, and caring friends. My little house and big, fat cat. That I'm not totally blind, and that, despite everything he's been through, Mark is a fighter.

How we handle the things we've been given? I can now hold my head up and own that we do it with courage and grace. Because having to wage war on the crap life throws at you gives you the perspective to truly appreciate the good. To focus on it. To nurture it and help it grow BIGGER than the bad.

This is what we try to do every day. Sometimes we're not successful. But mostly we are.

So yeah -- and I'm saying all of this as much for myself as for anyone else -- we have to deal with some tough stuff. Sometimes it really sucks. There are things missing; things we want but can't have. I will never sugar coat it.

But we have the most important things that at the end of the day are all anybody really wants. And we CHOOSE to let those things fill us up.

When someone else is going through something you've gone through

Your ability to feel real empathy is triggered.

I'm experiencing this right now as one of my best friend's brother-&-sister-in-law prepare for a living donor organ transplant. My friend's husband's brother will receive a kidney from his wife.

The circumstances are very similar. Steve is an insulin dependent diabetic who has many of the same complications Mark does. Retinopathy and kidney disease are just two. Steve and his wife Tiffanie are also young like us (ish).

I've not personally given my husband an organ (would that I could!), but Mark and I have been through the transplant process (cadaver donated). The myriad appointments and tests, waiting on pins and needles for the go ahead, preparing for surgery, waiting through the procedure itself, learning the hospital like the back of your hand, getting to know your new best friends called nurses, watching lab results like a hawk, getting used to the effects of immunosuppressants, cheering for urine, doing laps with an IV pole around the transplant floor. The fear and worry. The giddy excitement and pure joy upon hearing the transplant was a success.

When Steve and Tiffanie came down (they live in Alaska) for a consultation with the transplant team back in April, I got to sit down and talk with Tiffanie. I felt an immediate connection through shared experiences with our husbands. And our feelings about those experiences. There was so much head nodding. I knew we had to be connected so I friended her on Facebook right away, and subsequently asked my friend about how Steve and Tiffanie were doing every chance I got.

Now that they're here preparing for the actual transplant I find myself feeling nearly as anxious, ansty, nervous and concerned as I would be if it were Mark. They've hit a road block with an infection that must be treated before the transplant can be done, and surgery has been postponed for two weeks.

Of course they are keeping their chins up and staying positive, but I know the frustration that is also there. When things like this happen it becomes so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

One might wonder if I'm jealous at all. I am not. I am rooting for them with everything I've got. I am so excited that they are able to do this, and that Steve will be healthier. It's not as if Mark hasn't had this same opportunity before. The fact that his transplanted organs (kidney and pancreas) stopped working after only six years is no one's fault.

I could never begrudge anyone who is able to receive an organ transplant that enormous gift and blessing. I want it so badly for anyone who needs it, and I feel very frustrated, no angry, when someone loses their life because they didn't get one. Like our friend Cindy who recently passed away waiting for a liver.

I can empathize with Tiffanie's thoughts, feelings, motives and fears where the health of her husband is concerned. Beyond that, however, I am in awe of her sacrifice of one of her own kidneys in order to improve Steve's quality of life. She is a strong and determined woman and I admire her.

I find myself getting emotional about it, actually. I started this post hoping I could explain why, but I keep finding myself stunted in finding the words. Suffice it to say, I -- Mark and I -- GET IT. All of it. On so many levels.

I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for each and every individual without some sort of pre-existing condition to be a registered organ donor! Not only that, but to keep an open heart and be willing to donate a loved one's tissue and organs if ever presented with that choice.

Can't Buy Me Love

Yes you can, actually. I have great fondness for people who give me things.

Oh like you don't! Think about it. When someone buys you something you think they're pretty awesome for doing that which makes you feel good about that person. It makes you feel loved, doesn't it?

I rest my case.

Of course I know what the point really is....that the most important things in life aren't THINGS.

Obviously.

So what are some wonderful things that don't cost a dime?

This is kind of hard because, like, I wanted to say water, because I love the stuff, but water isn't actually free. It costs money to treat it and bring it to my home.

Or Twitter. Technically Twitter is free and I love it. However, you need to have an Internet connection to use it and access to the Internet costs money.

So, maybe not the sort of stuff I should be thinking of. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed.

OK, ok, I got this!

10 Lovely Things That Cost Nothing

1. Hugs - good ones, not quick, obligatory ones. If you're gonna hug me, really hug me!

2. Compliments - they make people feel so good.

3. Walks - good for you, time to think.

4. Clouds - the sky is the canvas, clouds are the paint. I actually prefer a few clouds to completely clear skies.

5. A perfect spring day....70 degrees, sunny with a few clouds floating by, light breeze.

6. Sunsets - a beautiful sunset is what makes me feel the most grateful I can still see.

7. The way outside smells when it rains after it's been dry for awhile - sorta dirty and sorta clean at the same time.

8. Laughter - especially a child's.

9. My kids' long, pretty eyelashes - which they get from their father.

10. The quiet moment immediately after my son leaves for school in the morning - it's like this hush settling in and I have to debate with myself if I want it to stay quiet, or turn on some music.

Quoteswave

Linked with Monday Listicles.

This Is My Path

Throughout your life you make choices and decisions that set you upon some path. Perhaps they are simple and straight, or complicated and winding. They all have ups and downs.

When I made the decision to marry Mark and build a life with him I knew it could get complicated. Inasmuch as you "know" these things before they happen. You can intellectually know something without ever really being prepared for it.

In fact, I believe it is near impossible to truly prepare for something. But don't we all think we can? We plan every detail of our wedding, only to have some unforeseen snaffoo occur. We concoct detailed birth plans when expecting our babies, but labor rarely goes how we think it will. You can make yourself to-do lists all day long, and still forget something.

You can have a husband with multiple health problems and think it only logical that you will outlive him, worry, fret and be filled with anxiety over it till your head is spinning....even mentally plan and prepare for when that day comes, and it will probably still blindside you.

I learned this particular lesson, and really took it to heart, when my friend passed away in 2007. Everyone knew her cancer had taken over and she was dying. Yet when I finally got the call, I couldn't believe it. These things just cannot be comprehended in an instant. That is why there is grief.

I am on a similar path as my friend's husband. Longer and more drawn out, but similar.

And now, I really need to get something off my chest.

How I handle my life, whether now or later? It's all mine. It's for me to figure out, for me to navigate.

It doesn't need to be anyone else's concern how I choose to handle the possibility of becoming a widow and single parent. There should be no judgments.

There is nothing my friends or family -- or any of you -- can do about Mark's health problems or what might happen. But what happens after is something people think they can help me with. They will still be here, know I will need some help and want me to feel empowered now rather than wait until it happens to try and figure whatever out.

But all that really is, is trying to control the situation. A circumstance that no one, not even me (or Mark), has any control over. Further, focusing on the end now robs me of today. I've said it before, I am trying to balance present reality with future possibility.

Quite honestly, the notion that someone else thinks they know better than I how to handle my life kind of offends me. It offends me that I may not be being given credit for probably thinking about the whole picture. Given credit for being a grown woman who has had many years of practice at taking care of things and feels she can continue to do it, on her own, when she has to.

This is MY path to walk. And I feel that those who have no idea what it's like to walk it, to be worried day in and day out that their spouse will die, can even remotely understand. Until your spouse is sick and you're faced with the idea of losing them, and your children losing their other parent, you can't know. You simply cannot know this struggle unless it happens to you.

I do not want to be told how I should walk my path. I do not want to be judged for how I walk it. Unless I ask for help or advice, I want it to be assumed that the things that are on your mind are most likely on my mind as well.

One thing I don't think anyone should be able to accuse me of, is burying my head in the sand.

I deserve to be respected for how I bear my burdens. I respect others in how they bear theirs. I would never presume to think I know what's best for someone (other than my children). I will not voice my opinion on another's personal matters unless they ask it of me.

I don't mind being asked, "Hey have you thought about...?" But to TELL me how you think I should handle something when I didn't ask for your opinion....it's stepping over a line. And it doesn't feel good.

Companionship and compassion feel good. Hugs and smiles, and just love feel good.

I'm walking my life path the best I can. I may stumble. I may stop and smell the roses. I may sit awhile. I will keep walking it. Or running or skipping! The point is, it's mine to travel.


Enthusiastically linking up with Pour Your Heart Out!

When Procrastination is a Good Thing

I am. I admit it.

BUT. It's not totally a bad thing. I may regularly channel Scarlett O'Hara, but I do eventually get everything I need to done.

Actually, I prefer to think of it as PRIORITIZING. Some things are more important than others. Often, a thing's importance changes a few times. Maybe even in the same day. Stuff happens!

Now, I don't want to brag, but when I was in school I could put off, say, writing a paper, until the last minute, crank it out, and get an A. I work well under pressure.

So there.

In order to prove my point I give you a list of reasons procrastination isn't always a bad thing....

1. Failing to plan anything for dinner. Yes, your family will be hungry, but hey, maybe you'll get to go out! Either that or you'll be stuck with cereal for dinner. Oh no, not that!

2. Sales, because the prices often go down even more when time is running out.

3. Getting out of bed. Really, you only feel better the longer you stay.

4. Apparently always publishing blog posts at the same time isn't a great thing. We bloggers should put posting off by a few hours once in awhile.

5. Getting up for more coffee. I mean, because "they" seem to think drinking too much coffee isn't good for you. But, whatever.

6. Not opening that "grading notification" email from your daughter's school. Ignorance is bliss.

7. When you don't respond right away to something that has the potential for conflict. Knee-jerk reactions are rarely good. Best to think on it a bit.

8. Letting the DVR record your shows and watching later. Hello, no commercials!

9. Cleaning your house the day before guests arrive. Because children. And husbands. It's really pointless to do it any sooner.

10. Waiting to see new movies until others have and can tell you if they're worth it or not. Let all those instant gratification types waste their money first!

So you see, procrastination has an upside. People should really stop poo-pooing it.

Because I'll totally get it done. Just might not be today.

Monday Listicles.