October 16, 2017

An Open Letter to Those Who Would Judge a Widow

Dear Random Dude on a Dating Site,

You saw my online dating profile and decided to message me. You must have thought I was cute or liked something I wrote in my bio.

Everything started out just fine; your standard introductory small talk. Then you asked how dating has been going for me. I answer and ask the same of you. You ask what I'm looking for. I say that I'm dating and hoping to find someone to have a relationship with.

Then you say, "You must not have loved your husband very much."


"Why would you say that to me?", I ask, incredulous.

"A man loves you and dies and you just move on like it didn't matter", is the reply.


Blocked. Done.

Oh but there's so much more I want to say to you!

How DARE you? Where do you get the nerve to question my love for my husband? You don't know me. You didn't know him. You know NOTHING about our relationship.

You don't know how we met, when we shared our first kiss or when we exchanged "I love yous". You don't know how he proposed to me or how much fun we had on our honeymoon.

You don't know what we overcame before we even got married, nor everything we went through during our marriage. You don't know when or why we decided to have our children.

You don't know how many nights I spent sleeping in a hospital chair because I just couldn't leave him. You don't know how torn I was between him and our children Every. Single. Time. he was hospitalized.

You don't know how hard his life was for him. You don't know how much I loved him through it all.

I loved my husband unconditionally and completely. I utterly lived up to my marriage vows.

Furthermore, unless you have actually lost a spouse yourself, you have no clue what it's like. And even if you have been widowed, every one of us grieves and processes differently. You still can't judge.

And actually, you're so very wrong in your thinking.

The fact that I want to find love again is a TESTAMENT to the love my husband and I shared. It means I had something special once and I have faith that I could have it again. It means that someone once loved me so well, that I miss it and want to love and be loved again.

We widows don't choose to lose our spouses. We do choose to go on and live life. That is a positive and badass thing. It is never something that should be judged negatively.

Have you walked a mile in my moccasins? I don't think so.

So shut up.

Just One Widow
on behalf of widows and widowers everywhere

September 26, 2017

This Shit is Real

"How are you?"

"I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm OK" are the standard answers, whether true or not.

I say them all the time. Partly because there are things I feel like I shouldn't -- or don't want to -- admit.

You know, things that could make me look vulnerable or weak.

Because I pride myself on being a strong person. I've earned it.

But you know what? I still have feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt, or weird and hard to understand.

August 25, 2017

9 Musings on Grief

1. I fucking hate grief.

2. It adds insult to injury because you're forced to lose someone you love, which rips your heart out and throws it onto the floor.

3. Totally exposed, raw and sensitive.

August 11, 2017

The Evolution of a New Widow

My husband died 15 months ago and there have been many changes. Some days I feel like that's what my life is now: change.

I'm doing really well. So are my kids.

We've been through the gambit of grief emotions, of course. It's interesting to me to note, though, that I haven't experienced much anger.

June 24, 2017

What I've Been Doing Instead of Writing

I have been uncharacteristically quiet since my husband's death a little over a year ago.

This post just might be a figment of your imagination....

So what have I been doing instead of writing?

Honestly, binge-watching ALL THE SHOWS, and some grief nesting.

"Grief nesting", as I call it, began the very night Mark passed away when I came home from the hospital, took one look at his glucometer and meds, and threw them all in the trash.

May 12, 2017

One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.