August 12, 2016

Three Months Since My Husband Died

I have wanted to write about things other than my husband's death and my and my kids' grief in the last month and a half....

I really have.

My daughter's Sweet 16 birthday, for example. With a lot of help from my besties, I threw her a luau themed party (on a cloudy Puget Sound day). Throwing parties is not something I do often (or well), but she loved it and had a great time, which was all that mattered to me.

I remember telling Mark when I first started thinking about having a big to-do for her, that it would happen no matter what, like if he was in the hospital or something. He asked why he'd be in the hospital and I replied, "because you just are sometimes, duh!" He asserted that he wouldn't be in the hospital.

I suppose he was right.

I did miss him very much that day; the kinds of days he should be here to experience with us. There will be many more, I know.

Another big thing I could have shared was the 2 1/2 week California vacation we got to go on. My mom and step-dad flew us down to spend time with them, and then we got to see friends too. I did share photos via Instagram along the way....

Highlights include my kids getting to see Santa Cruz, Monterey and Yosemite for the first time. Going to Santa Cruz was the very first trip Mark and I ever took together way back in 1994, and I spent my 18th wedding anniversary there this year.

That was really special.

Or, how while we were away, I had family coming and going from my house getting a plumbing leak repaired, my dented garage door replaced and my shabby (not chic) exterior trim repainted.

New garage door and first story green trim repainted.

So yeah, I could have sat down and written about things we did or that happened that didn't (directly) have anything to do with Mark's death.

A dizzying amount of things have happened or changed.

The thing is, it seems, no matter what is going on, and despite moments of distraction from our loss, my thoughts constantly return to Mark and that he's gone.


Like, I wouldn't have been on that trip were it not for Mark's passing. I would have sent my kids and stayed home with him. I occasionally found myself thinking he was at home waiting for us to return. Some guilt crept in, even though I know it's silly.

I've had a lot of (often unsettling) dreams about Mark, so I'm not free from my thoughts of him even while asleep.

I finally got around to finishing the HBO series True Blood. The very last song played at the very end of the final episode was "Thank You" by Led Zeppelin, which was our song. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't have cried, or even thought much of it, had I watched before Mark died; probably would have merely thought, "oh that's a cool song choice".

But now?

"If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you. When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me."


Three months into the grieving process I continue to have moments of disbelief that Mark is actually gone. Still! And then I can't believe that I still can't believe it.

I suppose my obtuse-ness goes to show that no amount of forethought and/or knowledge of someone's fate makes accepting it any easier.

I most definitely miss my husband. I'm feeling his absence more and more.

June 27, 2016

Six and a Half Weeks

Hi there.

It's been six and a half weeks since my husband died. That amount of time feels both like a lot and very little at the same time.

I get asked how the kids and I are doing by someone, in some way, probably every day. Honestly, we're doing better than I ever imagined we would.

So far.

We're not simply OKAY. Saying that would be too overly simplified and make it sound like losing Mark wasn't a huge and sad event in our lives.

Because it was. It is.

June 6, 2016

How My Husband Died

It's been nearly four weeks since my husband passed away.

His death still doesn't feel fully real.

Even though I knew -- we all knew -- he wasn't long for this world, it's hard to believe that he died. That Mark actually DIED and is GONE.

I think death is just very hard for us to understand.

He had survived so much in his 47 years. We thought he was going to die four years ago, but he didn't. He fought back just like he had done so many times before.

But not this time. This time was different.


May 16, 2016

My Husband's Obituary

As many of you may have heard by now, my husband, Mark, passed away.

He suffered cardiac arrest and although medical professionals were able to restart his heart and keep him alive with meds and machines, it was ultimately his time to go.

Mark died quickly and peacefully just before 6:00 PM on May 12, 2016.

There is much more I would like to say, and probably will, but for now, I just want to share the obituary I wrote.

April 21, 2016

How My Husband is Doing This Spring

Hello there.

The last detailed update about the state of my husband's chronic health problems was about two and a half months ago. There have been a few changes.

We now have another condition to add to the list: low thyroid (most likely due to taking the anti-arrhythmia medication, Amiodarone). This news actually gave us a little hope because Mark can take another medication to bring his thyroid level back up, and maybe that would help how he feels overall.

Since seeing his Endocrinologist, Mark's dosage of Levothyroxine has been upped twice. It has taken many weeks, but he is a bit less tired and bit more hungry.

One step forward....

April 5, 2016

A Funny Thing Happened

I am in an odd place.

A hard to explain place.

I think I've said that a lot over the past year or so. But now it's, like, more.

For the last three weeks, I have been thinking and noodling and pondering just what is going on with me. Where am I at? What do I want to say? Do I have anything to say?

That last question is the most important because you see, I recently read something another blogger wrote in which she was giving new blogger advice. One piece jumped out at me and I have been chewing on it ever since. She said to write what you want to read.

March 14, 2016

Alone in the Village

There are many doctors (and their nurses or assistants) involved in my husband's health care.

An entire team including a nephrologist, technician, RN and dietician at the dialysis clinic.

A palliative care nurse.

Home health nurses who change dressings and check vitals a few times a week.

A paid caregiver provided by the state who helps with some housework, appointments and other errands, and helps Mark get a good shower every week.

Then there's me.

March 2, 2016

I'm Less Important Than Everyone Else

I have always felt like my needs/wants/desires have been less important than anyone else's.

No, really.

Kind of odd for an only child, wouldn't you say? (Only children are generally characterized as a bit on the "it's all about me" side.)

Marrying the man I did doesn't help.