August 11, 2017

The Evolution of a New Widow

My husband died 15 months ago and there have been many changes. Some days I feel like that's what my life is now: change.

I'm doing really well. So are my kids.

We've been through the gambit of grief emotions, of course. It's interesting to me to note, though, that I haven't experienced much anger.

I've said it many times (whether here or elsewhere) that I am grateful for the end of Mark's suffering. He had a really hard life and was so strong and resilient through it all. He deserved to go peacefully, as he did. It was a relief and a blessing. Our kids know this too.

If I ever feel negative about anything, it's a frustration with not being able to understand why some people have to go through such difficulties and, more importantly to me, why I had to lose the man I loved so much, and who loved me too. The loss of such a real and true love is senseless to me; feels like a waste.

If Mark had been a typically healthy man, we would have been married for 50+ years. Instead, we only got 22 years together (married 18), and that does feel like a rip-off.

However, I roll with the idea of accepting the things we cannot change, so I have. And I'm grateful for having that love and the time we did. It will always be mine. I had that. I did that. I loved fiercely and unconditionally, and I'm proud of it.

But back to changes. Just when I was getting used to being a family of 3, my mama bear heart decided to take in a friend of my daughter's who needed to be removed from her home.

She started staying with us two days before my birthday in April and I believe she will stay indefinitely. She really has no other stable option. Being with us means she gets to be someplace safe and familiar, not bounced around foster homes.

Taking on another kid when I'm already an ONLY parent to two of my own has been a lot, and does stress me out some days, but she's such a sweet girl (just turned 16) and is so happy to be with us, that I just can't see why she shouldn't be here.

Although, all this selfless giving of myself to the care of others (seriously) has shown me that I deserve some things too. I'm 43 years old and have not had the opportunity to explore what all I might enjoy or like to do.

For example, I have finally volunteered at our local food bank. I know, I know, not a selfish thing to do, but it is something I've wanted to try for years. I've gone only once so far because it's been very hot and I did not like sweating for four hours straight, but I intend to get into a routine of going weekly.

Another thing I've decided to do is.....wait for Not to seriously find my "chapter 2", as widows like to call it. Just to go out, meet new people (adults!) and have some fun. I have set up profiles on two dating apps, and have met two men. The first was very nice, but there wasn't anything there. I saw the second guy for about two weeks.

So over the last 15 months, I went from a married mother of two to a widowed mother of three who is attempting to step out of her comfort zone to give back and meet new people.

Really? Me? Who AM I?

Who am I NOW?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

PS: My social media buttons are gone because Photobucket is apparently no longer offering free third party image hosting. If you're interested in following me, there's a social media page at the top with links to my accounts. :-)

June 24, 2017

What I've Been Doing Instead of Writing

I have been uncharacteristically quiet since my husband's death a little over a year ago.

This post just might be a figment of your imagination....

So what have I been doing instead of writing?

Honestly, binge-watching ALL THE SHOWS, and some grief nesting.

"Grief nesting", as I call it, began the very night Mark passed away when I came home from the hospital, took one look at his glucometer and meds, and threw them all in the trash.

May 12, 2017

One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.

April 30, 2017

7 Year Blogiversary

This humble, little space on the web is seven years old today.

This blog and I have been through a lot together. From knowing absolutely nothing when I set it up, to blogging like a fiend about a lot of dumb things, to finding my focus, to life getting more intense and time-consuming, to quiet introspection.

March 13, 2017

10 Months Since My Husband Died

I had a string of things happen last week that jabbed at my heart and my brain (and exhausted me) to the point that I'm certain the Universe was trying to validate something I was mulling over.

You know how women have been particularly pissed off since last November, to the point that there was the biggest protest EVER the day after the inauguration? Then, last Wednesday was International Women's Day, when women were encouraged to participate in "A Day Without a Woman".

This isn't really about that. Per se.

January 12, 2017

8 Months Since My Husband Died & One Word for 2017

The song "Take it All" by the amazing Adele is one that speaks to me as I journey through the grief process.

Actually, it spoke to me even before Mark passed away. Probably because I knew he was going to (have to) leave me. I've really been grieving for, like two and a half years.

The lyrics are most obviously about a break-up. My husband and I didn't break up, but I've always thought that many love/break-up songs can easily be applied to other circumstances; felt in other ways, for other reasons.