Transitions

As I mentioned in my first post of the year, my mother-in-law, who has been living nearby in order to be of help to us since my husband's hospital stay back in September, is going back home to California.

Today, in fact.

The reasons are personal to her, and have nothing to do with us. She doesn't want to leave, and does hope to return.

I have made no secret that 2014 was a bitch of a year for Mark. Several things started going south for him (his health), to the point that he is no longer working or driving. I've never been able to drive, because of my stupid eyes. Mark's mom's arrival on the scene was timed perfectly (completely by accident), and we've had the luxury of transitioning to a new way of life more gently than we could have hoped for.

Upon her departure, Mark's dad is going to roll into town to try to help us figure out how best to proceed without an extra family member whose sole purpose is to help us. I think he will be here for a week or two. He may come and go. I'm not actually sure what his intentions are. I don't think we can know until he sees for himself how much more difficult things have gotten for Mark, and thus for all of us.

I didn't necessarily intend for Mark's dad to come right on the heels of his mom, but I did write to him to let him know that his son's condition has deteriorated further than I think he understands, and that I thought he should come for a visit sometime to see.

In preparation for MIL's departure, FIL's arrival and our eventual need to navigate these murky chronic illness and disability waters more independently, I brainstormed how to handle the most important things Mark needs (dialysis, wound care and medications), and we've met with a social worker to help us find more solutions.

While there seem to be ways to work around most logistical problems, the one thing that still seems to be elusive is emotional and mental support for coping with what we're dealing with. Help for Mark and I in our hybrid marital caregiving and care-needing relationship....

Not to mention how I take care of EVERYTHING and try to make EVERYONE happy....including maybe even myself.

I'm so afraid that's not remotely possible and I'm just going to make a mess of every last thing.

What if I can't balance it all?

I bought a new fingernail file yesterday, took it out and tried to remove it from its package. It was completely uncooperative and I dropped it on the table (still in its packaging) and said, "Mark, why does every little thing have to be so damn hard? Every. Thing. Is difficult!"

He didn't know. It was a rhetorical question anyway.