May 30, 2012

Fine

Source: Uploaded by user via Jennifer on Pinterest


I have issues.

I'm a mess.

And I don't know why.

Well, I'm not totally stupid. I basically know why. But, I don't completely know why.

For about a week now I've felt so....just....umm....

I've been quiet unless I needed to speak, not smiling much. I feel so....

What?

What am I feeling?

I'm pretty sure it has to do with all the ups and downs in my life. There are so many it's practically dizzying.

I mean, how does one deal with her husband being fine one day, to nearly dying, to (seemingly) fine again? But not. Especially when it's not even the first time.

How?

How does that happen??

And how am I supposed to feel about it?

The other day, we were talking about the possibility of refinancing our house and Mark says, "Lower payments will be good for you down the road."

And then he realized what he was saying, and said, "Or....us."

God.

He says a lot of things like that, and not only to me. He's been trying to work up the gumption to make videos for the kids in which he talks to them about things, giving his fatherly advice. You know, for when he's not here.

The topic of Mark's possible impending departure from this world has been at the forefront of our minds since March 1st.

And the need to get his blood pressure checked out at the ER sends me running to sob in the shower. Every. Little. Thing. Is scary now, and the what-ifs bombard my mind.

Yet he is still very much with us.

He came home from the ER and insisted we go out for the day.

Anytime he steps foot into a hospital, I expect him to be admitted.

It is really hard to juggle this stuff!

Imagine my arms stretched out, the good on one side, the bad on the other, playing tug of war.

I am always focusing on the positive, remembering that he's "not dead yet". Mark is here and we are together, loving each other and our kids, trying to make the most of what we've got. I am an Attitude Ninja!

You know how one can be great in a crisis, but break down after the dust has settled? That's me. So I think that's partly where I'm at. But also, the constant worry of losing Mark right at the surface, all the time.

It's just....hard.

::

My daughter is wrapping up 6th grade with a big "Who Am I?" project. She has to write several poems and stories for it. She gave me permission to share the following:

Prompt: My greatest sadness


The Time When My Dad Was In The Hospital


My dad was in the hospital in the beginning of March. It was very, very devastating. He stayed in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Almost the whole family came to Marysville. It was so sad for everyone there. But one day my dad woke up crying that he wants my mom, my brother, and me. So my grandpa took us to the hospital to see my dad. I was happy to see my dad was getting a little bit better. But one day he got worse, so bad he wasn't able to talk, or pick up his hands. All he could do was nod or shake his head yes or no. But then he got better after like 2 or 3 days, and was able to talk, but it was like a mumble when he talked. So then one day he was able to sit up and stand up and was fully understandable. And in 3 days he CAME HOME! And I was happy that he was home. But also scared, because I was afraid that it might happen to him again. But it hasn't, so I'm not as worried now.


Linking up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out and hanging at Yeah Write.

51 comments:

  1. this is sooo ... hard. i'm really so incredibly sorry for all that you're going through on a daily basis. i'm glad you can get some of it out here and i hope you know that you can lean on us. ::big hugs::

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    1. I do know I can get it out and lean you guys, and I love it!

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  2. Tears. And hugs for you Jennifer. You are amazing in the way you are moving through this most difficult time in your life. I am in awe of your strength. Keep writing your feelings. It helps. I've been very low a couple times in my long life. The only important thing to hang on to is that things do change. Things get better. And they will. Maybe not exactly the way you prescribe, but you are a survivor and you'll be ok.
    HUGS,
    Terri

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    1. Yes, things will always, eventually, be OK.

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  3. More HUGS! There are no easy answers, just the comfort of hugs.

    Love,
    Dad

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  4. Hugs Jenny xoxo

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  5. Sending prayers for your family- that everything will be okay and there will be no more greatest sadnesses.

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  6. You are very brave and amazing for holding it all together. I would be a mess. I will pray for you family.

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    1. You might be surprised at what you're capable of!

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  7. I love the simplicity of Camryn's post. Just so...present. I love that kids don't gobbeldygook up what happens with a bunch of complicated emotions and projections, etc. Amazing. I wish I was that cool.

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  8. BTW, Jen, I am a post trauma freakout kinda girl, myself (and never anything half so traumatic as what has happened to you guys!) I find it useful for coping, but highly annoying...hard to be happy when you're "supposed" to be! Just try to be kind to yourself and let those feelings be. Maybe read that poem "the guest house", always makes me feel better! Love you.

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  9. http://www.panhala.net/Archive/The_Guest_House.html

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  10. I think it is perfectly "fine" and even acceptable to be a bit of a mess right now. who among us wouldn't be? that's a lot to deal with, and sometimes it takes a bit of time to process it all. I think you are showing amazing strength -- but it's okay to falter too. Just don't give up. we're here :)

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  11. I hope everything turns out alright. I will be thinking about you and sending you up in prayers. You are a strong woman, and you can feel the loving through your words. Keep writing it out, and I hope you find some comfort in the comments. Keep pushing forward.

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  12. I've been playing the 'fine' card lately too. . .

    I'm not really fine. I'm just going through the motions. . .

    Stay strong. . . Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  13. I believe you are stronger than you think. I'm so sorry for what you have to go through. Big hugs and love to you.

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  14. Oh my goodness, your daughter's writing got me teary eyed! I' really glad she got a chance to write about how she was feeling with Mark's illness as well, kids sometimes have the hardest time processing and handling it all. I cannot imagine what the last few months have been like for you but as you said, with all those ups and downs and constant worry hanging overhead, anyone is going to not be "fine" and absolutely would be breaking down at times. I'm so sorry and wish I lived in Washington so I could do something for you or even just take you out for coffee :) I hope you are finding some peace in the quiet moments and feel everyone's care that reads your blog.

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    1. I LOVE that she wrote that so much cuz trying to talk to her about isn't easy. She's not real forthcoming. And I would so enjoy grabbing a coffee with you!

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  15. Fine... such a powerful word. I'm sorry for all you're going through. Wishing you peace and strength.

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  16. I love that picture. I found it a few days ago on Pinterst and often look at it when I am feeling crazy. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family have been through over the past years. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

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    1. Whatever did we do before Pinterest? Thank you, Laci!

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  17. I pop in here regularly and very rarely comment. I can't begin to imagine how you live your life with that hanging over your head or how you put one step in front of the other.

    A friend of ours died suddenly on Sunday aged 41 from a heart attack. No warning, no previous illness, no ability for his wife and two young children to prepare or say goodbye. The extended family has fallen apart because of their entire reliance on this one person who will be desperately missed.

    You and Mark need to wring every ounce of love and goodness and family time out of every day while you can. As hard as it may be - do it, because you can.

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    1. Oh God! My uncle died from a sudden heart attack last October. It is SO devastating. We are trying to wring out the ounces, for sure. Thank you so much for commenting!

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  18. Definitely tears ... I'm so sorry for what you're going through ... I feel like I need to go back in your blog and catch up since I'm new to reading your words :) ... Strength is a hard thing to have sometimes ...

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  19. Oh, my goodness. I would be fine/not fine, too. Many hugs and good thoughts for you and your family.

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  20. That is what I find the hardest. It is Mark's struggle for sure. You are there for him, for your family. But this also has an impact on you, the kids. I think a huge hug is order!! I cannot begin to imagine how you felt reading your girl's paper.

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    1. I mostly felt really proud of her. And relieved. I needed to know how she felt.

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  21. Oh my goodness, Jen. I went through it for, like, four days. I can't even imagine going through it indefinitely. Hugs to you, my friend.

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    1. I don't know what's worse, things continuing this way, or when something happens suddenly.

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  22. Oh Jen, reading your post here brought tears to my eyes. Sending you a great big *hug* from me. Reading your daughter's paper must have been hard as it was for me and I'm not in your family. I wish there were something I could do. It's hard to be strong all the time.

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    1. You're doing something when you leave such sweet comments!

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  23. It's a difficult situation that you are handling as well as possible. Just be there both for and with everyone as much as you can.

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  24. So sorry that you are struggling....that PTSD is real! I can relate with the fear on a small level...my husband almost died last July after running a 10K with my sons for "fun" and his body temperature went up past 107 and was unresponsive and had a few seizures. When he did become alert it was 2 days in the hospital and questions about whether he would have permanent kidney or liver function. Thankfully he didn't, but it took months to feel back to normal...and the emotional toll it took on him(and me) still lingers.

    I'm sorry you have to struggle with the anxiety daily. I give you SO much credit for being so positive! You can't always be Superwomen, though, so I hope that you find comfort in letting others hold you up when you're tired...through prayer, encouraging words and lots of hugs! Hope the sunny side of things is easier to see and hold onto soon!
    Michelle

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  25. Wow! You and your family are going through so much. You should be so proud of your daughter for "writing it out". I think one of the things we do as bloggers is role model for our children what a great and appropriate release writing can be.

    Thinking of your family.

    Stopping by from SITS

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    1. Yeah, I'm thinking she expresses herself better in writing, like me.

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  26. Oh, you dear, sweet thing. I am so sorry for the pain in your life right now. The fear you must be feeling. The frustration of feeling helpless. The unsettled nature of things. It must feel like the foundation you were sure of has shifted and you have to learn to walk on a new surface, that may shift again.

    May you be blessed with so many peaceful moments. Moments of clarity. Moments of joy that help you get through this tough time. You and your family will be in my prayers tonight. I will pray for health and strength and the best possible outcome. I will also pray that people will say kind things to you and that you will not be hurt when they say stupid things just because they don't know any better.

    Thank you for sharing. Your story is important.

    Stopping by from SITS. I hope you have a great weekend. With lots of sunshine.

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    1. Thank you so much for such wonderful comments!

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  27. Reading the "anonymous" comment signed Dad broke me down in tears.
    Of course you'll always be fine... Fine is a bitch of a word don't you think?

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    1. Oh I'm sorry! I hate that I'm always making people cry.

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