October 11, 2016

15 Quotes on Grieving

Two years ago this month I shared nine quotes I liked that had to do with grief.

I had felt grief, but it was naive grief, I believe. On the periphery, if you will. Before I had lost one of the most important people I will ever have in my life.

The quotes I shared before are fine. Good, actually. I mean, anything Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has said is excellent.

But there are several more that have touched my heart since my husband died, that truly resonate. That I have found and shared randomly but wanted to compile  and elaborate on.

For me specifically, my children have "mom's sad" radar and get very concerned and want to make it better. It's sweet, but also a little stifling in that it makes me feel like I can't fully openly grieve around them.
Everyday life is trivial; actually has been for the last few years.
There was recently a shooting at a mall not far from where we live. I could not suppress my emotion over, not only how awful shootings are, but over the death, and therefor, grief that comes with them. My heart ached for the loved ones of the victims.

Before Mark died, I would see things like this shared and think, "oh that's nice".
Now I GET it. It's not about canonizing the dead person. But you must remember, you must talk about them. Because they were human and you loved them and they mattered.

It does. At least for me, in the five months since Mark passed, each morning when I wake up I seem to have to remind myself that he died. It was even necessary until recently because I was having the recurring dream that he wasn't dead, but I knew he was supposed to be. So confusing.

I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat when I saw this. And then I thought, HOW have I never heard this quote before?? I wrote several years ago, quoting another poet, about the "depth and breadth" of our love. Mark and I loved each other unconditionally. We were best friends; a true team in life. If it hadn't been for his stupid illness(es), we would have been happily married forever. 

I truly believe this.

Grief is a dichotomy. It is wrought with inconsistencies and contradictions. It is so confusing! It's very easy to not know if you're coming or going, if you're sad or happy, if you should do this or that. You're forgetful, selfish and a little thoughtless. But only because it's SO BIG. It's a good thing I have my kids. If it were just me, I think I would completely shut out everyone and everything. At least for awhile.

I don't let myself cry so often, that when I do, it feels like this.

On the other hand, this. I know, and I know I will.

On the other, other hand.... See what I mean about the dichotomy?

Oh the things you think about something before you actually experience it! Grieving the loss of my husband is different than I imagined it might be. There is no point A to point B. It so much about the history you shared and what that person taught you.

Mark is mine. He is our kids'. I think when someone you love dies, that never changes. It's not like you broke up, like they're just not in your life anymore. They were taken from you when you didn't want it.

This poem was sent to me shortly after Mark died. This touched me quite deeply because it describes exactly what happened. I know that Mark is whole and no longer suffering, which truly does bring me a lot of comfort.

This sums it up.

This is how this post came to be. I may be relying some on others' words to help me express how I am doing, but I am here, and that feels really big to me right now because I've been feeling very insecure about blogging my way through this. Probably because grieving is the hardest thing I've gone through, whether the anticipatory portion, while I slowly watched my husband fade away, or the reality of his departure. I may have thought other bad things were terrible and awful and just the worst, but I was wrong.
Mark's death is a complete and total game-changer.

I am trying to give it words.

I do hope this wasn't a purely self-serving endeavor. I hope it was helpful too.


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