May 21, 2015

I Don't Think I'm Doing it Right

Twenty-one years ago yesterday my husband and I kissed for the first time.

We were drinking Zimas sitting on a blanket in a park.

I had turned 20 years old the month before. Mark was 25.

We don't know who kissed whom. I think it was mutual.

Yesterday, exactly 21 years later, I had to leave my husband in a skilled nursing/rehab facility.

My mom said, "You're not leaving him....just moving to a place where he can heal. Much better than trying to bring him home without the skilled nursing staff he needs right now."

I know she's right, but when I think about how his room is at the end of the hall and how drab it is, I can't help but worry that my very social husband will get lonely and sad. Also, about how young he is compared to other people who tend to need this sort of care.

And, ooph, is this feeling much different than I thought it would!

Before the surgery, I figured I'd feel like this was going to be like a break in caregiving for me. That other people could take care of things for awhile and I'd have some breathing space.

Sure, it's less physically demanding. But emotionally, it's a whole new ball game.

I am torn clean down the middle. I cannot be in two places at once. I want to spend time with Mark, but I also need to be home with my kids (whether my teenager thinks so or not).

Since the surgery, I have not been at home when they returned from school more days than I have been home. My nine year old doesn't like it. His sister isn't always nice to him and he misses me.

He also misses his dad. A lot. AJ is upset with me for going to see Mark while he's at school, and then I come home and that's it.

If I could drive I would run back and forth if necessary. Because I can't, I want to make it as convenient as possible for those who give me rides as I can. I don't feel like I should ask someone who went out of their way to get me to Mark, to go back and grab my kids later.

And if I wait until after school to go see Mark, as much as my son wants to see him, he gets bored easily, so we can't stay long....and then I feel like I haven't given Mark enough time.

Torn. That is what I feel. That is what I am.

For inasmuch as we have been dealing with my husband's health problems for years now, we've never been down this particular road before. This is new to all of us. It's a change, we don't have a routine yet and we have no idea how long it will last.

I don't know if I'm doing this right. I don't think that I am.

No comments:

Post a Comment