This Shit is Real

"How are you?"

"I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm OK" are the standard answers, whether true or not.

I say them all the time. Partly because there are things I feel like I shouldn't -- or don't want to -- admit.

You know, things that could make me look vulnerable or weak.

Because I pride myself on being a strong person. I've earned it.

But you know what? I still have feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt, or weird and hard to understand.

9 Musings on Grief

1. I fucking hate grief.

2. It adds insult to injury because you're forced to lose someone you love, which rips your heart out and throws it onto the floor.

3. Totally exposed, raw and sensitive.

What I've Been Doing Instead of Writing

I have been uncharacteristically quiet since my husband's death a little over a year ago.

This post just might be a figment of your imagination....

So what have I been doing instead of writing?

Honestly, binge-watching ALL THE SHOWS, and some grief nesting.

"Grief nesting", as I call it, began the very night Mark passed away when I came home from the hospital, took one look at his glucometer and meds, and threw them all in the trash.

10 Months Since My Husband Died

I had a string of things happen last week that jabbed at my heart and my brain (and exhausted me) to the point that I'm certain the Universe was trying to validate something I was mulling over.

You know how women have been particularly pissed off since last November, to the point that there was the biggest protest EVER the day after the inauguration? Then, last Wednesday was International Women's Day, when women were encouraged to participate in "A Day Without a Woman".

This isn't really about that. Per se.

A Funny Thing Happened

I am in an odd place.

A hard to explain place.

I think I've said that a lot over the past year or so. But now it's, like, more.

For the last three weeks, I have been thinking and noodling and pondering just what is going on with me. Where am I at? What do I want to say? Do I have anything to say?

That last question is the most important because you see, I recently read something another blogger wrote in which she was giving new blogger advice. One piece jumped out at me and I have been chewing on it ever since. She said to write what you want to read.

How My Husband is Doing

I thought about titling this "How My Husband is Actually Doing" because there is the surface-y version and then there is reality.

Or his version. Because anytime someone asks Mark how he is, he will almost always, to almost everyone, say, "I'm good." While I, in the background, shake my head.

Sometimes I have to force myself to not snort at Mark's assessment of how he is. It's absurd to me that he can so easily prattle off the words, "I'm fine", without choking on them.

"How can you say that??", I'm thinking.

One Word for 2016

Hi.

I am astonished to find that it has been three weeks since I last wrote. In my mind, it had only been since the kids started their holiday break -- two weeks at the most.

I totally didn't mean to do that.

Everything is OK here; no need to worry. I mean, as OK as it gets for us. I am happy to report that we've welcomed Mark's mother and sister as permanent residents of Washington -- finally! And we had a very nice Christmas.

But today is New Year's Eve and as it has approached I've been pondering what my One Word for 2016 ought to be....

The Real Reason People Are Pissed Off About Starbucks Cups

source: Starbucks

I have been following the absurdity that is the "War on Christmas" with a mixture of amusement, bewilderment, and lots of head shaking.

I Can Handle It

There's this thing I've noticed that people are wont to do when interacting with people like Mark and I as someone who is ill and his wife/caregiver.

They often water down their problems for us. People say things like:

• It's nothing like what you deal with.
• It's so small compared to your struggles.
• I don't want to add to your stress.

OK so, yeah, we have struggles, and yeah, along with chronic illness comes chronic stress. I'm not going to deny that.

But we both still want to be in real, give and take relationships with our friends and family. We want others to share their lives with us.

An Awful, Negative and Ranty Post

I'm afraid to write this and share it because of how I might be judged.

But I think I'm at a point where I don't care what anyone thinks about how I'm feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with honesty and being real.

Oh the FEELINGS. All the FUCKING FEELINGS!

It's uncomfortable, sure, and everyone wishes the less-than-happy-and-positive feelings didn't exist.

But they do, dammit.

People feel bad sometimes.

I feel bad sometimes.

Being Discreet at Target

I first wrote about my occasional light bladder leakage and Always Discreet almost nine months ago.

Since then I have been relieved to have this product on hand in my bathroom.

Relieved. Ha.

Because, it doesn't appear that this is a problem that will just magically go away. In fact, sometimes I can't strain my lower abdominal muscles even a little bit without a something escaping.

Ahem.

I Can't Blog....I Haz the Life

I am writing this real quick, on the fly, before I bail out of my house for a girl's night out that I'm desperately hoping I can fake my way to happy for.

You see, things have been very trying for me (and Mark) for the last few weeks, and it's all been bubbling to the surface these last few days.

there's all of THAT, along with the kids home for the summer and a very long and annoying heat wave uncharacteristic of Western Washington.

Some Things Just Are What They Are

While perusing my Facebook news feed recently I saw a fan page status asking followers what common phrases get under their skin.

Several people answered, "It is what it is." One person clarified, "Ugh, just change it!"

I kept thinking about this for hours. (Funny how something you see in passing will do that to you, hu?)

You see, that phrase is one if my life mantras (I have it printed on a mug, and would buy a wall hanging of it if I found one I liked), so I can't understand why anyone would be put off by it.

And the person who exclaimed "just change it!" bothered me because that is the exact opposite of what the phrase is about.

When a Blogger Has Too Much on Her Mind

....And cannot focus on any one topic enough to flesh it out and make any sort of actual point....she might choose to employ the exercise known as a "brain dump".

Because just like when your house is very messy and you look around at where to start and just end up overwhelmed so you freeze and do nothing?

Well, that's how my brain feels right now. There's a big ol' mess up in there!

Sometimes getting it out is necessary, if only to help you discover, and focus on, what matters most.

10 Things That Piss Me Off About Chronic Illness and Caregiving

Having a chronic illness and caregiving -- both -- are tiring. And often frustrating. In different ways, but sort of the same too.

It's not about being happy or unhappy, per se. It's just stressful and overwhelming....and it gets real easy to see some annoying things about your situation.

So I'm gonna take a moment here to get out some of the peeves I have, m'kay? Because it's healthy to do so, right? Right.

1. It's chronic, meaning continuing for a long time.

How I Really Feel About Valentine's Day

When my daughter doesn't like something she says it "can go die in a hole".

Not sure I feel quite that strongly about Valentine's Day, but close.

I haven't always been a V-Day poo-poo-er. Oh no, I I'm usually a hopeless hopeful romantic. When others would contend that couples shouldn't need a special day to express their love for each other, I would think they're just being difficult and contrary. Is there something wrong with buying your love a box of chocolates?

But this year, looking around at all the pink and red, heart-shaped, cutesy, frilly, fluffy sweet shit in every store is....kind of making me what to hurl.

8 Ways to Save Money

I'm not super comfortable talking openly about money with most people. It's something that is just too easy to pass judgement on. I learned this 11 years ago when Mark and I went through bankruptcy after our relocation to Washington state.

But life around my house has changed quite a bit over the last 12 months, and part of those changes involve money. This is due mostly to my husband's chronic health conditions and his working less and less (and eventually not at all) ,which in turn has an impact on our budget.

I mean, obviously.

And I have found that some people are curious about how we make ends meet. Because of my hesitation to discuss personal money matters, I could simply say it's none of anyone's business. It really isn't, after all. However, I have been tweaking what we do and don't spend money on -- because I've absolutely had to -- and I thought perhaps what I've done could be of help to someone else.

No One To Talk To

I might need to go back to my therapist.

The other night Mark and I were having some issues with each other.

OK, we were arguing.

While of course I've never liked fighting with my husband, I really hate it now that he's so much sicker. It feels wrong somehow. Like, why are we fighting with each other when we have so many other things to fight?

It feels counterintuitive.

For my part (because I can't just go speaking for Mark), I am trying to balance being a loving, kind, understanding and caregiving wife to a chronically ill man with the fact that he's also still just my husband. And yeah, sometimes my husband pisses me off. Should I let him get away with saying or doing things I don't like because he's sick?

Am I supposed to just roll over and let him hurt me because he could die?

A Post About Puke

I hate vomiting.

I don't think anybody likes it, but I have been known to feel so strongly against throwing up -- and try with all my might not to -- that when I finally do, I also pass out. And cry.

Then fall against the bathroom door so my husband can't get in to check on me.

You see, before I met Mark, I wasn't around people who had serious health problems. In my mind, if you needed to expel the contents of your stomach back out through whence they entered, you were really sick.

And probably dying.

I've Had Two Babies and I'm 40...so LBL Happens

LBL = light bladder leakage.

That's right, I'm talking about pee.

You know, we are born unable to control our bladders....and then GIVING BIRTH lessons the control we worked so hard at age two or three to gain!

Full circle? Irony? Cruel joke?

Whatever it is, it's really darn annoying.

I promise you, I have done my share of kegel exercises. And I know I'm not alone in this. I think I have, like, one friend who claims to not have this issue even after having four babies.

I think she's lying.