Falling in Love Again

A very surprising thing happened to me three months ago; I fell in love again.

I know, right!?

I say "again" because it is comparable to what I had with my late husband. If it wasn't, I wouldn't say again. Because the time, love and commitment that Mark and I shared set the bar high for me.

It's surprising because, although I was actively dating, I wasn't meeting men who were love and relationship material. Also, I sincerely didn't expect to find what many widows call their "chapter two".

But I think I have.

The Evolution of a New Widow

My husband died 15 months ago and there have been many changes. Some days I feel like that's what my life is now: change.

I'm doing really well. So are my kids.

We've been through the gambit of grief emotions, of course. It's interesting to me to note, though, that I haven't experienced much anger.

One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.

7 Year Blogiversary

This humble, little space on the web is seven years old today.

This blog and I have been through a lot together. From knowing absolutely nothing when I set it up, to blogging like a fiend about a lot of dumb things, to finding my focus, to life getting more intense and time-consuming, to quiet introspection.

8 Months Since My Husband Died & One Word for 2017

The song "Take it All" by the amazing Adele is one that speaks to me as I journey through the grief process.

Actually, it spoke to me even before Mark passed away. Probably because I knew he was going to (have to) leave me. I've really been grieving for, like two and a half years.

The lyrics are most obviously about a break-up. My husband and I didn't break up, but I've always thought that many love/break-up songs can easily be applied to other circumstances; felt in other ways, for other reasons.

15 Quotes on Grieving

Two years ago this month I shared nine quotes I liked that had to do with grief.

I had felt grief, but it was naive grief, I believe. On the periphery, if you will. Before I had lost one of the most important people I will ever have in my life.

The quotes I shared before are fine. Good, actually. I mean, anything Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has said is excellent.

But there are several more that have touched my heart since my husband died, that truly resonate. That I have found and shared randomly but wanted to compile  and elaborate on.

For me specifically, my children have "mom's sad" radar and get very concerned and want to make it better. It's sweet, but also a little stifling in that it makes me feel like I can't fully openly grieve around them.

Six and a Half Weeks

Hi there.

It's been six and a half weeks since my husband died. That amount of time feels both like a lot and very little at the same time.

I get asked how the kids and I are doing by someone, in some way, probably every day. Honestly, we're doing better than I ever imagined we would.

So far.

We're not simply OKAY. Saying that would be too overly simplified and make it sound like losing Mark wasn't a huge and sad event in our lives.

Because it was. It is.

Alone in the Village

There are many doctors (and their nurses or assistants) involved in my husband's health care.

An entire team including a nephrologist, technician, RN and dietician at the dialysis clinic.

A palliative care nurse.

Home health nurses who change dressings and check vitals a few times a week.

A paid caregiver provided by the state who helps with some housework, appointments and other errands, and helps Mark get a good shower every week.

Then there's me.

Forcing Thankful

I've been in the downy-dumps most of this week, despite trying thing after thing to raise my spirits.

It hasn't been all terrible-awful, but definitely a whole lot of blah and meh. And sigh. And maybe some ugh.

One thing -- on top of the other many things -- which has been weighing on me is that my husband has had C. diff since (at least) sometime after his last round of antibiotics began the week of our son's birthday last month.

Something My Son Said

One night (sometime last month), my husband was having a particularly rough time. His blood sugar had gone low and then he needed to go to the bathroom several times.

Low blood sugars, for Mark, at least, tend to cause the need to use the toilet. Let's just leave it at that. Because TMI.

Well, Mark had just had a doozy of an insulin reaction, plus his muscles are already weak, so getting from the bed to the bathroom was very hard for him. He was requiring quite a bit of help from me and everything was just a very frustrating mess.

I became emotional at one point. Our son, AJ (who turns 10 next week), has some sort of "mom is upset" radar, so he got emotional too. In between things Mark needed help with, I talked to AJ about what he was feeling.

The Art of Avoidance

Thoughts.

Feelings.

Events.

Good days.

Bad days.

One Word for 2016

Hi.

I am astonished to find that it has been three weeks since I last wrote. In my mind, it had only been since the kids started their holiday break -- two weeks at the most.

I totally didn't mean to do that.

Everything is OK here; no need to worry. I mean, as OK as it gets for us. I am happy to report that we've welcomed Mark's mother and sister as permanent residents of Washington -- finally! And we had a very nice Christmas.

But today is New Year's Eve and as it has approached I've been pondering what my One Word for 2016 ought to be....

Today

I just want to tell you what we did today.

It was such a little thing, really. A family outing that probably most people just do and don't really think much of.

But it's kind of a bigger deal to me.

Because Mark can't drive anymore (I never could, remember) and he may have one doctor appointment or another, or be in the hospital, or even just not feel well enough....

So we don't do many fun things as a family these days. I do things sometimes, and our kids do too, with friends and such. Once in awhile Mark gets to as well.

Today? We took a quick 15 minute drive with Mark's paid caregiver to a local beach and picnic area called Kayak Point.

(Don't think the caregiver is supposed to take us to do such things, but it's very nice that she wants to; kind of feels like she's taking care of all of us a little bit.)

Daily Diabetic Complications

No one is supposed to actually come out and say this, but Diabetes is an insidious disease that kills you slowly over time.

Truth.

Even if you take the best care of yourself you possibly can, some complication of Diabetes will most likely lead to your demise.

I don't even want to list all the problems that can crop up because it is too long and depressing. Quite commonly, Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness and kidney disease, two terrible and permanent afflictions.

I married a man with Type 1 Diabetes and over the years have been watching it take its toll on him. It actually started its rampage in Mark before I met him. He was diagnosed at age 9 and by 25 he was legally blind, was losing kidney function and neuropathy had begun in this feet. Once his kidneys failed he was blessed to receive a kidney and pancreas transplant which commenced a six year reprieve from Diabetes (and dialysis).

A Summer Bucket List of Little Things

I've noticed that many people seem to be into this notion of creating a summer bucket list. I get it. It's about seizing the moment, carpe diem and all that.

We often think there's plenty of time to do all the fun summer things, but then those three months go screaming by.

I don't think I have a "bucket" list so much as a "to-do" list. My family is just not the kind that gets to do a whole lot of BIG things.

He is Fragile

My husband needs my help to get ready for a shower. He is currently sporting three different dressings that need to be kept dry.

I don't mind helping him, but I kind of hate seeing him without clothes on these days.

He's so thin.

Imma Throw Around Some Thankfuls

When your week goes screaming by so fast -- and a bit dramatically -- and you never get a calm moment to write anything else, you sit down on Friday and decide the very least you can do is come up with things to be grateful for.

41 Things I've Learned in 41 Years

Today is my 41st birthday.

I didn't !! that sentence because, meh. Forty-one just isn't sexy.

Although, I have a friend who thinks it's the bee's knees. She's not here yet and is hoping to have life a lot more figured out by 41.

I told her I think maybe I have it at least half figured out. Also, that some of us are late bloomers. I say that because I think I should have learned more by now. Slowly but surely...

You wanna know what I've learned in my 41 years? Here ya go!

What Compassion Means to Me

Earlier this week I posted about what a pretty perfect day for me would be like.

I wrote it that way because of how overwhelmed by my life I was feeling in that moment, and I wanted to speak up for my personal happiness and sanity.

But before sitting down to write that post, I had thought I might write about what I would want for the world at large, if I had my way.

About things that really matter to me, that tug at my heart and I feel compassion for.

Not that fixing any of those things would be easy. But in a perfect world....

::

I asked my 9 year old son if he knew what compassion was. He said he sort of does, that "it's when you have compassion for people".

When I asked him to clarify what having compassion for people IS, he didn't really know what to say.

I told him that you have compassion for others when you are able to put yourself in their place for a minute and try to get a sense of what their life is like. When you see what some one's circumstances are and feel something about it. Maybe you want to help, or maybe you just show concern. It's also when you are KIND to others because they need some kindness.

My son's attention started to drift so I stopped there. But there's quite a bit more to it, isn't there?

And My Heart Melted

Yesterday was my son AJ's 9th birthday.

Altogether now: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AJ!

This kid, man. He has been such a good guy these past months. Before Christmas I teased that he must be trying to get to the tippy-top of Santa's Nice List.

One day during Christmas break, he was spending most of his time hanging out with his friend who lives right next door to us. He was even planning to spend the night there.

His sister was also at a friend's house when my MIL and I decided to run to the store for a few things. This left my husband home alone.