This one time....
I got so drunk I thought I was going to die of alcohol poisoning.
No joke, you guys.
Well, I mean, I wasn't seriously so drunk I could have died from alcohol poisoning. Buuuuttt....I was very young and naive, so I thought I was.
Let me also add, that I knew someone who did die of alcohol poisoning a few years prior, and I guess that traumatized me more than I knew at the time.
OK so, here's the silly story:
It was like 1995-97, somewhere in there. Probably can't remember exactly because I was drunk.
I was no more than 21 or 22.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
February 12, 2015
October 6, 2014
10 Things a Blogger Does when Her internet is Down
If you follow me on social media you may have seen my whining about my internet being broken one day last week.
I'm sorry, but THINGS SHOULD JUST WORK!
Also, I'm a blogger. The web is kind of important to me, right?
Just be happy you didn't have to hear as much of my angst as my husband did.
So what does someone who NEEDS the internet on a daily basis do when she is forced to go without?
I'm sorry, but THINGS SHOULD JUST WORK!
Also, I'm a blogger. The web is kind of important to me, right?
Just be happy you didn't have to hear as much of my angst as my husband did.
So what does someone who NEEDS the internet on a daily basis do when she is forced to go without?
September 4, 2014
The View From Here: Don't Sweat the Small Stuff
Kayso, this week's View will be perfect after the heaviness I posted yesterday.
Because I snagged the one and only Darcy Perdu of So Then Stories!
The name is fake, but her funny writing is so NOT.
She has been selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year the past two years, as well as
1st place in the National Society of Newspaper Columnists in the blog category.
Here ya go!
__________
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – In Fact, Don’t Sweat
So then…Jennifer Hall of Dancing in the Rain invites me to guest post for her series The View From Here where writers share their “unique perspective on life”.
My immediate thought is, “Holy Cow! Does Jennifer’s website have enough ROOM to print my voluminous LIFE philosophy? I could go on for 47 HOURS on this topic!”
July 20, 2014
What Summer With Kids Looks Like
We are justabout to the halfway point of summer here and I've made some observations of how things are shaping up in our house.
Keep in mind that my children are 14 and 8 1/2. I no longer have Littles. Also keep in mind that things have been quite upside down as far as routine or normalcy go since my husband's most recent surgery.
That's not to say we have no routine this summer. My days typically entail:
What?
Keep in mind that my children are 14 and 8 1/2. I no longer have Littles. Also keep in mind that things have been quite upside down as far as routine or normalcy go since my husband's most recent surgery.
That's not to say we have no routine this summer. My days typically entail:
- Either sleeping in or getting up with the sunrise
- Chores or exercise
- Shower
- Lunch
- Various errands or computer time, interrupted by helping my husband or kid needs
- A load of laundry
- Scratching my head over dinner
- Wondering where my son is off to and if my daughter will ever emerge from her room
- Finally growing tired of the computer
- Heading downstairs for a cocktail and Doctor Who with Mark (maybe the kids too)
- Too often letting the kids stay up as late as me
What?
December 2, 2013
The Romance is Still Alive
Scene: As we're getting ready to go to bed, Mark is in the kitchen taking his meds and testing his blood sugar. I walk up behind him, place my hands on his upper arms and rest my head on his shoulder. We stand there quietly like that for a few seconds and....
Me: I love you.
Mark: I love you too.
A few more seconds pass and...
Me: I still don't know why I love you.
I giggle, let go and start to walk away....
Mark: Well, you can sleep on it and maybe the answer will come to you in the morning.
Me, calling back from the living room: It seems I've been sleeping on it for 19 years!
Mark: That just means you're dedicated.
Me: I think it means I'm slow.
Ah, marriage!
October 10, 2013
The View From Here: A Love Affair in My Kitchen
This week's View comes from someone who is sweet, kind, goofy, funny and older than me.
She is Kristi, aka the robot mommy.
(No, not all of these posts will be written by women named Kristi.)
__________
A Love Affair In My Kitchen
You are more to me than just a breakfast. You are what makes a day worth being a part of.
I'm very blessed. My days get to be filled with something that truly gets me.
Your crunch muffles the sound of my kids fighting or the latest episode of Dora The Explorer. All I hear is rainbows forming and birds tweeting in their nests.
You hold up my ego as you hold up my spoon. If I'm not devouring your joyfulness fast enough, sometimes you let me down. Yet I can't seem to quit you. I just try again with more of you.
You're not jealous of my coffee. You get that I can only enjoy a mug or two during the day. But with you, I can spend some time in the middle of the night. It may be sneaking around but I don't care. You make me into a bran-loving whore.
You don't seem to care about how my hair looks or if I'm wearing makeup when I hold you. It feels like love when I hear the dink dink as you hit the bottom of my bowl.
Each spoonful fills my soul with kinship. I don't worry about my family or the stressors that come with living out of suitcase. Or that we need to keep our son on top of his curriculum so he doesn't fall behind.
You don't care that my son's outfit is mismatched or that my toddler is eating her nose candy. You just concentrate on me and my needs. The pains and woes of my everyday disappear when I open my mouth and let you in.
You are so inviting....
so flavorful....
....and when we sit alone and I masticate you, I am complete. I am whole.
Oh cereal.... You are amazing.
Your puffs filled with peanut butter and understanding make me feel like I can do anything.
Like I can finish this blog post. Like I'm the princess and you and all your raisins are my princes.
Thank you for being a dollar off with coupon.
t.r.m.
__________
See why I can call her goofy? And funny.
Kristi's view is all about finding the humor in the mundane.
The humor in motherhood and raising kids.
Her perspective is to find FUN wherever she can.
If you like Kristi's sense of humor as much as I do, follow along via
September 11, 2013
Social Media Truths
Something that has been driving me a bit bonkers lately is why do I have WAY more Twitter followers than I do Facebook page likes? I mean, what is the difference? Why do people follow me on Twitter more than like my fan page on Facebook?
(It's not that I'm obsessing about the numbers, it's just that asking why is sort of my thing.)
Granted, I started using Twitter before I created a Facebook page. But not THAT long before.
Trying to figure this phenomenon out, I then got to thinking about how people maybe view and feel about their social media platforms.
Because I find it all very fascinating. (Remember my Social Media Rights?)
I think....
LinkedIn is like why not? Couldn't hurt.
Twitter is like whatevs, stream goes by so fast, if I see something I don't really like, it'll be gone from view in a sec.
Google+ is like sure I'll circle you, it's not as if I'm ever on there anyways.
But Facebook....it's like PERSONAL so if I like your page it's as if I'm making a commitment!
Here's an image to prove it. Because an Internet graphic is like God handing down the 10 commandments.
And that's what Pinterest is for!
By the way, my "Instagram Hearts Summer" link-up with GIVEAWAY is happening RIGHT NOW through the 15th. Come play with me!
(It's not that I'm obsessing about the numbers, it's just that asking why is sort of my thing.)
Granted, I started using Twitter before I created a Facebook page. But not THAT long before.
Trying to figure this phenomenon out, I then got to thinking about how people maybe view and feel about their social media platforms.
Because I find it all very fascinating. (Remember my Social Media Rights?)
I think....
LinkedIn is like why not? Couldn't hurt.
Twitter is like whatevs, stream goes by so fast, if I see something I don't really like, it'll be gone from view in a sec.
Google+ is like sure I'll circle you, it's not as if I'm ever on there anyways.
But Facebook....it's like PERSONAL so if I like your page it's as if I'm making a commitment!
Here's an image to prove it. Because an Internet graphic is like God handing down the 10 commandments.
And that's what Pinterest is for!
Agree? Disagree? Would you add or change anything?
__________
June 4, 2013
Kids Do the Darndest Things
Let's explore a hypothetical situation, shall we?
Maybe just after dinner on a quiet Sunday evening you send one of your children up to take a shower.
Said child gets into the shower while you're downstairs in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner remnants and helping your other child with his or her homeworkat the last minute.
The homework-doing child is at the kitchen table. When you leave his or her side to get back to the dishes you step in something wet and ask, "Who spilled something in here?"
As you look down hoping to determine what the mysterious liquid is, you feel a drop on your head.
You look up.
And feel another drop.
"WT-?", you mutter.
Then, "Oh shit! The ceiling is leaking....from the bathroom....WHERE MY KID IS TAKING A SHOWER!"
Perhaps you peal out of the kitchen and hightail it upstairs as fast as your thirty-something legs will take you and burst into your kids' bathroom yelling, "What the hell is going on up here??"
The confused bathing child says, "I'm taking a shower. Duh."
"There is a leak into the kitchen!!", you exclaim. Then you look down and see that most of the bathroom floor is very wet.
Your other child observes, "There's water all over the ceiling...."
At first you'll be like, I'm not worried about the ceiling, obviously this child is somehow flooding the floor so much it's leaking down into the kitchen!
Suppose you scream at the showering child to turn off the water and get the hell out. He or she complies, and not quite grasping what's going on here, very calmly grabs a towel and heads to their room to put on pajamas.
As you too grab a towel to sop up water, you yell to your child, "What the hell were you doing in here??"
Child yells back, "I dumno..."
Arg! Sop, sop.
You will lean a little to get the floor around the toilet and notice that it too is covered in little drops of water.
"Child! The toilet is all wet too!" You check the shower curtain to see if he or she had it hanging inside the tub properly. It seems to be, but the outer, decorative curtain is all wet....
Again, "What the HELL were you doing in here?!"
Quietly, you might hear, "Well, I did take the sprayer down...."
As this tidbit sinks in and you're still sopping up water with a second towel, you move over to the little heater vent and it dawns on you that this is probably where the water is leaking down from.
Say just then your husband walks in from running an errand and your other child darts straight to him spewing these exciting events at him.
You hear your husband say, "WTF?!", as he looks up at the kitchen light fixture and sees a little pool of water collecting in the dome.
You don't want your beloved to panic because you have already discovered the problem so you hurry back downstairs to explain....
But let's just say, that this does nothing to settle him and he too must hike upstairs to try and understand this crazy turn of events.
When he left to run his errand, just 30 minutes ago, the house was in good working order and everything was FINE.
You follow him and explain that your one child was in the shower, took down the sprayer, must have beena bit a lot careless and got the entire bathroom a little very wet.
Off to lecture the newly clean and pajama-clad kid your husband goes as you once again head down to the kitchen to assess the leaking situation.
You will remove the light dome and EMPTY THE WATER FROM IT. You will place a bowl on the floor to collect remaining drips.
Your husband will take off the bathroom heater vent cover and place a fan on top of it to hopefully dry things out. And lecture the offending child a little more.
Oh, and let's say that in the course of dealing with this flooding-bathroom-leaking-kitchen-light-fixture situation you also discover that the kids' sink is clogged and your husband has to go BACK out for Drano....
Because, of course.
Maybe just after dinner on a quiet Sunday evening you send one of your children up to take a shower.
Said child gets into the shower while you're downstairs in the kitchen cleaning up the dinner remnants and helping your other child with his or her homework
The homework-doing child is at the kitchen table. When you leave his or her side to get back to the dishes you step in something wet and ask, "Who spilled something in here?"
As you look down hoping to determine what the mysterious liquid is, you feel a drop on your head.
You look up.
And feel another drop.
"WT-?", you mutter.
Then, "Oh shit! The ceiling is leaking....from the bathroom....WHERE MY KID IS TAKING A SHOWER!"
Perhaps you peal out of the kitchen and hightail it upstairs as fast as your thirty-something legs will take you and burst into your kids' bathroom yelling, "What the hell is going on up here??"
The confused bathing child says, "I'm taking a shower. Duh."
"There is a leak into the kitchen!!", you exclaim. Then you look down and see that most of the bathroom floor is very wet.
Your other child observes, "There's water all over the ceiling...."
At first you'll be like, I'm not worried about the ceiling, obviously this child is somehow flooding the floor so much it's leaking down into the kitchen!
Suppose you scream at the showering child to turn off the water and get the hell out. He or she complies, and not quite grasping what's going on here, very calmly grabs a towel and heads to their room to put on pajamas.
As you too grab a towel to sop up water, you yell to your child, "What the hell were you doing in here??"
Child yells back, "I dumno..."
Arg! Sop, sop.
You will lean a little to get the floor around the toilet and notice that it too is covered in little drops of water.
"Child! The toilet is all wet too!" You check the shower curtain to see if he or she had it hanging inside the tub properly. It seems to be, but the outer, decorative curtain is all wet....
Again, "What the HELL were you doing in here?!"
Quietly, you might hear, "Well, I did take the sprayer down...."
As this tidbit sinks in and you're still sopping up water with a second towel, you move over to the little heater vent and it dawns on you that this is probably where the water is leaking down from.
Say just then your husband walks in from running an errand and your other child darts straight to him spewing these exciting events at him.
You hear your husband say, "WTF?!", as he looks up at the kitchen light fixture and sees a little pool of water collecting in the dome.
You don't want your beloved to panic because you have already discovered the problem so you hurry back downstairs to explain....
But let's just say, that this does nothing to settle him and he too must hike upstairs to try and understand this crazy turn of events.
When he left to run his errand, just 30 minutes ago, the house was in good working order and everything was FINE.
You follow him and explain that your one child was in the shower, took down the sprayer, must have been
Off to lecture the newly clean and pajama-clad kid your husband goes as you once again head down to the kitchen to assess the leaking situation.
You will remove the light dome and EMPTY THE WATER FROM IT. You will place a bowl on the floor to collect remaining drips.
Your husband will take off the bathroom heater vent cover and place a fan on top of it to hopefully dry things out. And lecture the offending child a little more.
Oh, and let's say that in the course of dealing with this flooding-bathroom-leaking-kitchen-light-fixture situation you also discover that the kids' sink is clogged and your husband has to go BACK out for Drano....
Because, of course.
May 2, 2013
The Phases of a Woman's Menstrual Cycle Through the Years
So this might be a bit TMI but we're all adults here so we can handle it. Besides, it's not as if we haven't been subject to tampon commercials for as long as we can remember.
See, I have had the good fortune of NOT having my period for quite a few years due to the use of an IUD. But about a year ago I had to have said IUD removed and, wouldn't ya know it? My period returned.
As if nothing ever happened. It was all, "Oh hey Jen, long time no see! You didn't call or write, but don't worry, I won't hold it against you. We can pick up right where we left off!"
I think it's safe to say women have a love/hate relationship with their "Aunt Flo".
Am I right, ladies?
We are eager for it or we dread it. It's easy or it's the WORST. THING. EVER. I have known women who ought not leave their houses for at least the first two days of their period, and others who barely notice it at all.
The hormones involved screw with our feelings, emotions and dietary habits. You can be eating the healthiest foods possible but when your period is looming it's all about the chocolate. And the french fries. Oh! What about french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake??
So I got to thinking about how our periods effect our lives over the years and came up with 15 stages of menstruation....
1. OMG I'm 13 and I haven't started yet! I'm such a loser! When I get it, I'll be a WOMAN!
2. *skipping down the hall....I finally got my period. I feel so grown up. NOW I'm a WOMAN!
3. Can everyone tell I'm on my period? Gross.
4. I need to go home from school because these cramps are the worst.
5. Alright, using pads feels like wearing diapers. Time to try tampons.
6. *after losing virginity.....Please don't let me get pregnant. Please don't let me get pregnant. *period arrives....Oh thank GOD!
7. *goes on the birth control pill....This is great! These control WHEN I get my period and it's not as bad (and I won't get pregnant). Best invention EVER!
8. Fuck you and your PMS jokes! Jerks! No, I am NOT "on the rag", maybe I just feel like being a bitch! (Being a girl is such a pain.)
9. *ready to have a baby.....Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.
10. *pregnancy....no period for 9 months AND I can eat more? This is fantastic!
11. I won't get my period during breastfeeding either? That's a neat trick!
12. Hey, I'm a mom now. I can get that cool IUD that might stop my period. Imma do that!
13. *wants to get pregnant again...Arg, periods. Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.
14. So I'm done have babies but now my insurance won't cover the IUD, so I'm stuck with the Pill and have to get periods even though I have NO INTENTION of getting pregnant EVER AGAIN. How is this fair?
15. Menopause can come any time now. Truly. (Will probably hate menopause.)
See, I have had the good fortune of NOT having my period for quite a few years due to the use of an IUD. But about a year ago I had to have said IUD removed and, wouldn't ya know it? My period returned.
As if nothing ever happened. It was all, "Oh hey Jen, long time no see! You didn't call or write, but don't worry, I won't hold it against you. We can pick up right where we left off!"
I think it's safe to say women have a love/hate relationship with their "Aunt Flo".
Am I right, ladies?
We are eager for it or we dread it. It's easy or it's the WORST. THING. EVER. I have known women who ought not leave their houses for at least the first two days of their period, and others who barely notice it at all.
The hormones involved screw with our feelings, emotions and dietary habits. You can be eating the healthiest foods possible but when your period is looming it's all about the chocolate. And the french fries. Oh! What about french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake??
So I got to thinking about how our periods effect our lives over the years and came up with 15 stages of menstruation....
1. OMG I'm 13 and I haven't started yet! I'm such a loser! When I get it, I'll be a WOMAN!
2. *skipping down the hall....I finally got my period. I feel so grown up. NOW I'm a WOMAN!
3. Can everyone tell I'm on my period? Gross.
4. I need to go home from school because these cramps are the worst.
5. Alright, using pads feels like wearing diapers. Time to try tampons.
6. *after losing virginity.....Please don't let me get pregnant. Please don't let me get pregnant. *period arrives....Oh thank GOD!
7. *goes on the birth control pill....This is great! These control WHEN I get my period and it's not as bad (and I won't get pregnant). Best invention EVER!
8. Fuck you and your PMS jokes! Jerks! No, I am NOT "on the rag", maybe I just feel like being a bitch! (Being a girl is such a pain.)
9. *ready to have a baby.....Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.
10. *pregnancy....no period for 9 months AND I can eat more? This is fantastic!
11. I won't get my period during breastfeeding either? That's a neat trick!
12. Hey, I'm a mom now. I can get that cool IUD that might stop my period. Imma do that!
13. *wants to get pregnant again...Arg, periods. Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.
14. So I'm done have babies but now my insurance won't cover the IUD, so I'm stuck with the Pill and have to get periods even though I have NO INTENTION of getting pregnant EVER AGAIN. How is this fair?
15. Menopause can come any time now. Truly. (Will probably hate menopause.)
I'm at 14-15. Where are you at?
March 11, 2013
When Procrastination is a Good Thing
I am. I admit it.
BUT. It's not totally a bad thing. I may regularly channel Scarlett O'Hara, but I do eventually get everything I need to done.
Actually, I prefer to think of it as PRIORITIZING. Some things are more important than others. Often, a thing's importance changes a few times. Maybe even in the same day. Stuff happens!
Now, I don't want to brag, but when I was in school I could put off, say, writing a paper, until the last minute, crank it out, and get an A. I work well under pressure.
So there.
In order to prove my point I give you a list of reasons procrastination isn't always a bad thing....
1. Failing to plan anything for dinner. Yes, your family will be hungry, but hey, maybe you'll get to go out! Either that or you'll be stuck with cereal for dinner. Oh no, not that!
2. Sales, because the prices often go down even more when time is running out.
3. Getting out of bed. Really, you only feel better the longer you stay.
4. Apparently always publishing blog posts at the same time isn't a great thing. We bloggers should put posting off by a few hours once in awhile.
5. Getting up for more coffee. I mean, because "they" seem to think drinking too much coffee isn't good for you. But, whatever.
6. Not opening that "grading notification" email from your daughter's school. Ignorance is bliss.
7. When you don't respond right away to something that has the potential for conflict. Knee-jerk reactions are rarely good. Best to think on it a bit.
8. Letting the DVR record your shows and watching later. Hello, no commercials!
9. Cleaning your house the day before guests arrive. Because children. And husbands. It's really pointless to do it any sooner.
10. Waiting to see new movies until others have and can tell you if they're worth it or not. Let all those instant gratification types waste their money first!
So you see, procrastination has an upside. People should really stop poo-pooing it.
Because I'll totally get it done. Just might not be today.
Monday Listicles.
January 24, 2013
What Men Really Want
I have it on good authority (not naming my sources) that what a man would really love to have access to is.....
A Big Book of Vaginas.
I kid you not, like an actual large, leather-bound catalog of sorts.
They just want to see All The Vaginas.
(And All The Boobies.)
It's true!
Doesn't matter that they all look basically the same.
Sure, you can trim them up in various fashions....
You can even decorate them with piercings or vajazzling.
(No pictures, please.)
Ouch! No thank you.
But really, if you've seen one vagina.....
I would like to point out that I think it's fairly safe to say that there aren't any women pining for a Big Book of Penises.
Just sayin'.
A Big Book of Vaginas.
I kid you not, like an actual large, leather-bound catalog of sorts.
They just want to see All The Vaginas.
(And All The Boobies.)
It's true!
Doesn't matter that they all look basically the same.
Sure, you can trim them up in various fashions....
You can even decorate them with piercings or vajazzling.
(No pictures, please.)
Ouch! No thank you.
But really, if you've seen one vagina.....
I would like to point out that I think it's fairly safe to say that there aren't any women pining for a Big Book of Penises.
Just sayin'.
November 30, 2012
The Longest Haircut EVER
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| source |
Not long as in, long hair. Long as in IT TOOK TWO FREAKING HOURS.
I have had a short hair style for about 3/4 of this year. It's like an inverted bob, short in the back, about down to my jaw in the front. With layers and texturing and stuff.
It's a bit more complicated than a straight, blunt trim. But not some crazy difficult style either.
Our local community college has a cosmetology school located right here in our town. Haircuts, regardless of style, length or whathaveyou, are only $8. My family has been getting our haircuts there for years.
They are pretty awesome. You get a cheap haircut because you let students play with your hair. But never fear, there are teachers overseeing everything; the student talks with a teacher about how they plan to cut your hair before starting, and a teacher checks their work when they're finished.
I have never come out looking like a monster. In fact, my daughter went IN looking quite ridiculous after taking scissors to her own hair, and came out looking much better.
However, I have also never had a haircut take two whole hours!
Students do cut your hair slower than someone who has more experience. So you have to go into the school knowing it will take a bit longer.
Not that much longer, though. Seriously, it was awful.
The girl they had do my hair was obviously brand spankin' new. Not only that, she seemed to naturally move in slow motion. She walked me back to her station slowly, back to the wash sinks slowly. Everything....slowly.
So I shouldn't have been surprised by how long cutting my hair took, right? Well I'm sorry, I was utterly beside myself!
I kid you not, I wanted to say something to her so badly, but I'm a huge chicken about that sort of thing.
Inside I was all, "Get this effing haircut done and let me get the hell out of here!"
It took so long I got really anxious thinking I just might HAVE to say something to her face about it.
Mark got a haircut at the same time. His stylist was done way before mine, so he sat and watched. He told me she looked scared. He said she would hover over my head with her scissors poised to make a cut, but take several moments to follow through. He was sitting there silently cheering her on, "Make the cut! You can do it!" He also said the instructor gave him a few looks of apology.
I sat in her chair and nearly fell asleep. At first I didn't care. Going to get my haircut is a fantastic excuse to sit and relax. But once I realized just how long this was taking, and that we were going to need to get home for the kids, I started getting really impatient.
She had trimmed up the back, and even done some snipping in the front. I thought she must be almost done. Instead, she gets her instructor, asks him a question and he shows her a little something. Suddenly it was like she started all over. She kept snipping and snipping and snipping at the back of my head. It took everything in me to not jerk my head away and yell, "Please back away from my head. Put the scissors down. Just stop the cutting! STOP IT!!"
When she moved to the front of my hair I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she still had more to do. At that point I realized that the two students on either side of me had each done two cuts while I was sitting there. I also noticed how chatty those other stylists were with their clients, while mine was concentrating too hard to hold a conversation.....yet still taking FOR-EV-ER.
Finally I started dropping hints. I asked Mark what time it was. I mentioned the kids coming home from school. Mark pointed out how we hadn't even had lunch. I said I was so hungry I had a headache. He said he was starving to death. I let him LEAVE to get some BBQ from across the street. I wasn't worried he would take too long because this chic was clearly not done with me!
Finally -- FINALLY -- she called her instructor over one more time. After two hours of working on my head, he still had to fix a couple things. He tried to hand the scissors back to her to do the fixes herself, but she asked him to just do it because I had been in her chair too long.
THANK YOU GOD!
I am really not trying to pick on the poor girl. I'm actually trying to illustrate the humor in the whole thing. On the way home Mark and I shared what was going through our heads in those two hours, and giggled....shaking our heads and giggling some more.
It was just.....Yeah. And...Wow.
__________
This post concludes NaBloPoMo 2012! I made it! I sincerely hope you have enjoyed the ride
October 26, 2012
TGIF: Funny Shit My Son Says #2
This is technically the second post like this because I previously posted about the Cheeto and the Spider (just didn't call it "funny shit my son says").
Regardless, AJ is pretty damn funny.
The other night I was up in my room watching a TV show when, close to bedtime, AJ walks in, clearly upset.
ME: Hey little man, what's up?
AJ: Mommy, I can't find my sound sort homework ANYWHERE!
ME: What? Why are you worried about your homework right now?
AJ: Because I really have to do that one with the /t/ /th/ sounds.
ME: But sweetie, that one was from last week. You have a new one with /c/ /h/ and /ch/ sounds for this week.
AJ: But I just can't find it! You didn't throw it away did you? I'm supposed to do it! Mrs. V wants me to!
ME: OK, calm down. No, I didn't throw it away.
AJ: Well then *starting to cry* WHERE IS IT??
ME: *sigh* I'm pretty sure it's on the table. I promise I'll find it. CHILL OUT.
AJ: NOW, Mommy! PLEASE! *sniffle*
So we head downstairs, I locate the missing homework and all is right with the world.
A little while later we are upstairs to get the kids into bed. AJ is lying in his bed and both Mark and Camryn are sitting there, all three talking about something, when I walk in.
I don't know what they're talking about and don't care. I crack the whip: "Bedtime!"
So Camryn leans over and kisses AJ on the forehead and says, "I love you, AJ".
To which he replies, "I hate you."
Awhile later as Mark and I are watching TV I, forgetting about the "I hate you" moment, start gushing about how good of a little student AJ is becoming and how sweet I think he is to worry about his schoolwork so much.
Mark agrees, and points out how sweet Camryn is too because of how she kissed AJ and said she loves him at bedtime.
Total moment of parental pride, right?
So I ask, "Well did you hear AJ's response?" He says he didn't.
I tell Mark that AJ said "I hate you".
Mark starts laughing and I'm all, "What?"
I guess my brain wasn't firing on all synapses because I wasn't getting the irony.
Mark goes, "Oh yeah, AJ is so sweet! One minute he's all emotional about his homework and the next he hates his sister."
We both start cracking up!
And it's all downhill from there. We start dissecting the Jekyll and Hyde intricacies of our son, sweet vs. evil, and we're laughing so hard we can hardly breathe!
So then I go, "I'm gonna have to blog about this."
Now it's you're turn!
Bring me your happy, funny, special....
And link it up!
(Button in the sidebar. Keeping linky open until the 1st now!)
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| IDK if it's weird to link a linky to a linky, but , you know...it just fits! |
September 4, 2012
Did You Know? You're driving me crazy!
Everyone knows I love my husband, he's perfect in every way....
But.
Maybe you don't know Mark does do some things that push me just a wee bit closer to the loony bin each day.
Such as....
Leaving things out.
Not hearing me.
Forgetting the things I tell him.
Claims he can't not pass gas.
Buys more than what he went to the store for. Every. Single. Time.
Leaves his socks, shoes/sandals and hats all over the place.
He likes really soft bread, but he'll leave the package open.
He makes me worry so much when he loses track of time and I can't reach him.
Oh here, just to make it fair, I'll list the things I do that probably make Mark crazy.
Umm....let's see....well....
Oh, I know! I leave my coffee spoon out on the counter all day. But I have a good reason for that. I mean, what if I want more coffee? Why dirty another spoon?
My avoidance of the mail.
And....
Nope, that's it, can't think of anything else.
January 27, 2012
TGIF: Yeah. Good Times. Edition
I've got a fun treat for you today.
The gal behind Yeah. Good Times. is here to get her happy on with us!
Jill is unique. She's also pretty awesome. She blogs semi-anonymously as @Jillsmo or "Jill H. Smo", lives in Berkeley and she has two sons whom she refers to as Child 1 and Child 2. Jill describes herself as an "excessively chatty", "snarky, liberal bitch" who is "actually a nice person".
And she really is -- all of those things -- and I really enjoy her posts. Jill can completely crack me up with her funny drawings, or make me think when she has an important issue she'd like to discuss.
Today, I'm just beyond thrilled that she agreed to share her brand of happy with us! You will see below how it might be just a little bit of a twisted happy....
When Jen asked me to write about something that made me happy, I originally thought I would write about how awesome it is when my 2 boys (one with autism, one without) play together, despite their often "saucy" use of language. I even drew this picture!!
But then something else happened that I thought was funny, so I changed my mind. But I didn't want this picture I already drew to go to waste, so there it is. Totally out of context.
Child 2 has this LeapPad Explorer thingy; it's like a fake tablet for kids, and you have to hook it up to a computer to install stuff on it. The other day we were messing around with it and when we hooked it up to the computer we had to install some software. I guess as part of their marketing strategies, the LeapPad company thought it was necessary to put in pictures of REALLY happy people using their products, so as we sat there waiting for it to install, we were treated to pictures like this:
... and, well.... I thought that was kind of funny. Because who is actually that happy to be using their computer? Without a glass of wine? So I say to Child 2: "Man, that woman is happy to be using her computer, don't you think?" He didn't care, so I kept going. I like to mess with him during down time. Here, I drew it for you....
... until he shrieked at me: "STOP IT, YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!!"
"But do I look as happy as she does?" I insisted. "I AM installing software right now!!"
"YES. YES YOU DO. Now stop, this is really awkward!"
Ahhhhhhh...... Happy :)
Hahaha! It IS fun to mess with our kids! I mean, they've gotta be good for something, right?
Leave Jill some comment love here and then go check out her blog, Yeah. Good Times.
The gal behind Yeah. Good Times. is here to get her happy on with us!
Jill is unique. She's also pretty awesome. She blogs semi-anonymously as @Jillsmo or "Jill H. Smo", lives in Berkeley and she has two sons whom she refers to as Child 1 and Child 2. Jill describes herself as an "excessively chatty", "snarky, liberal bitch" who is "actually a nice person".
And she really is -- all of those things -- and I really enjoy her posts. Jill can completely crack me up with her funny drawings, or make me think when she has an important issue she'd like to discuss.
Today, I'm just beyond thrilled that she agreed to share her brand of happy with us! You will see below how it might be just a little bit of a twisted happy....
* * * * *
When Jen asked me to write about something that made me happy, I originally thought I would write about how awesome it is when my 2 boys (one with autism, one without) play together, despite their often "saucy" use of language. I even drew this picture!!
Child 2 has this LeapPad Explorer thingy; it's like a fake tablet for kids, and you have to hook it up to a computer to install stuff on it. The other day we were messing around with it and when we hooked it up to the computer we had to install some software. I guess as part of their marketing strategies, the LeapPad company thought it was necessary to put in pictures of REALLY happy people using their products, so as we sat there waiting for it to install, we were treated to pictures like this:
... and, well.... I thought that was kind of funny. Because who is actually that happy to be using their computer? Without a glass of wine? So I say to Child 2: "Man, that woman is happy to be using her computer, don't you think?" He didn't care, so I kept going. I like to mess with him during down time. Here, I drew it for you....
"But do I look as happy as she does?" I insisted. "I AM installing software right now!!"
"YES. YES YOU DO. Now stop, this is really awkward!"
Ahhhhhhh...... Happy :)
* * * * *
Hahaha! It IS fun to mess with our kids! I mean, they've gotta be good for something, right?
Leave Jill some comment love here and then go check out her blog, Yeah. Good Times.
Do YOU have something HAPPY to share? Grab the TGIF button in my sidebar, write a post and link it up! You've got all weekend....
January 13, 2012
TGIF: Anything But Edition
Welcome to a GUEST POST edition of...
You know her. You love her origami flowers. She's @MyBelovedAdoria on the Twitter. But did you know she also has a personal blog called Anything But, and Then Some?
"She" is Jessica and the person who suggested I start a blog. Jess is one of my very best friends IRL, which means she must be pretty awesome (I recently bluntly told her I had a hard time seeing all of her blog, so she made it totally "Jen friendly"). She is UBER creative; don't think she can go a day without being crafty or expressive in some way.
Without further adieu, heeeeeerrrrrrrres Jessica!
* * * * *
When Jen asked me to be a guest blogger this week for TGIFriday I immediately said, “Sure!” I was certain I would have something really amazing to talk to you about. I mean, my life is seriously amazing, wait no that’s not me…
Never mind, I’m quite boring, so I actually have nothing to talk about.
Honestly, I thought this whole thing would feel a little different. I thought it would feel dirty, or exciting to be a guest blogger. I thought I would sit down, slip my fingers onto the keys and open up this world of amazing revelations or something. I thought maybe some strange light would begin to glow from my computer and the song of bloggers would stream out in glorious harmony. I don’t seem to be getting any of that now… Perhaps I’ve done something wrong… Here, let me just… Hmmm… There? No, still nothing.
Perhaps I should drive over there to her house and blog at her computer. Perhaps that would give me a bit of a thrill, sort of like sneaking out at night as a teenager, or taking a nap in the break room at work. I could put my hands all over her computer, invade her bloggy home… Then I really would be guest posting in her blog!
All these things I would write would suddenly sound so much more tantalizing coming from foreign keys. All those mouse clicks coming from some strange mouse. It would all seem so innocent at first, but then as the words came through faster it would just get better. Everyone would be riveted, clinging to the edges of their seats. I would spin this fabulous story about fate and time and a long lost world.
Of course, I’d be cheating.
I’d come home and my computer would smell some other keyboard on me…
Tomorrow I’ll wake up and all of my pictures will have the faces photo shopped out, replaced by pics of my computer. My note pads would start popping up with accusing new questions already typed on them, like “Where have you been?” and “Why won’t you just love me.”
Then Jen’s computer would start getting hate mail. Weird viruses suddenly running rampant through her system… Her documents erased, left with only one small }8[ left.
I would start breaking into the other local computers then. Stealing money from banks and switching hotel room information. The chaos would be horrendous until the cops came pounding at my door, ready to take me away as I screamed and cursed at the desktop, “Why you do me like you do me?!”
No, I think my computer will work just fine. But I still have nothing to talk about.
Maybe next time I will have something more interesting to say…
* * * * *
OMG I am seriously LOLing over here! Why had I never thought about how guest posting could be considered cheating? I always just kind of thought of it as sharing.
Umm.... Right.
Moving on.
My clever friend here is a busy gal, and you can follow around the interwebs in any of the following ways, or a combo therein:
On the Twitter
On Facebook
Don't forget to give Jessica some love here, before you run off to check out the rest of her stuff.
AND, don't forget to write up some of YOUR happy and link it up!
TGIF is about ending your week on a positive note by writing about something that makes you happy!
To participate
1. Write a post about something good that happened this week (or if you don't blog, tell me by leaving a comment). It can be anything. Just keep it positive!
2. Grab the #TGIF button and include it somewhere in your post.
3. Come back here and link up. Linky is open all weekend (even when I publish a new post).
4. Visit other linkers, leave comments and consider giving them a follow (it would be nice if you followed me, but no pressure).
5. Share posts on Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon, etc, if you are so inclined!
6. TGIF is open to guest posting! In fact, I'd like to have someone else here every other week. If you want, instead of just linking your post to mine, you can write the post instead of me. Just let me know and I will happily schedule you a week to take the floor! Be warned, if no one volunteers, I might put you on the spot and you will feel obligated to do it because you love me!
Sharing with Lovelinks, cuz I love this post!
December 17, 2011
Adventures in Christmas Shopping
Today was the first day Mark and I were able to get out to shop for our kids.
A Saturday. In December.
We're pretty spoiled when it comes to days/times to shop because Mark has days off work during the week, so that's usually when we choose to shop.
It's much less busy during the week.
Mark had dialysis this morning. When he got home we formed a game plan and got ready to go. Calledthe babysitter my dad to let him know our ETA.
Slowed the car down, tossed the kids out Left the kids in Grampa's capable hands and off we went.
I consciously decided (is that redundant?) to check in with Foursquare everywhere we went in order to have a record of the day:
As you can see, we were not having any luck at the first 3 stores. The stores either didn't have what we wanted or we didn't like the price.Coulda Maybe Almost bought something at Walmart, but we weren't standing in a long line for cookies!
We found the gift we wanted to be from us at the Sony Outlet Store - yay!
By this time we NEEDED food. Because it was just the 2 of us, we headed for our favorite BBQ place. It was the messiest damn thing I have ever eaten but I did NOT get one single drip of sauce on me.
As we ate we talked about what we should do about the fact that we were coming up empty-handed. I consulted the handy Amazon app on my phone and found that the things we wanted to get were available there and we still had time to order for pre-Christmas delivery. I couldn't believe we were going to spend all this time out shopping only to go home and order everything online!
Checked in with Grampa and told him we wanted to try one more store.
We headed to Target, at the other end of town.
I needed to use the restroom but Mark was antsy so he said to meet him back in the toy section. Pfft, whatever, Mr. No Pee!
He left me unattended near the dollar bins! Silly man.
Actually, after finding a couple cool snap bracelets I restrained myself from further perusal and made a beeline for the toys.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear?A miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer My husband with stuff in his cart! Stuff we wanted even. And, AND it was ON SALE for less than everywhere else we had been, including Amazon!
Target gave us a Christmas shopping miracle!
{Begin gospel interlude} Oh happy day! Oh happy day! {End gospel interlude}
Still came home and placed an order for some things. And there's still stocking stuffers to get and small packages to send.
But major progress was made and I am pleased. And I didn't even want to kill anyone.
A Saturday. In December.
We're pretty spoiled when it comes to days/times to shop because Mark has days off work during the week, so that's usually when we choose to shop.
It's much less busy during the week.
Mark had dialysis this morning. When he got home we formed a game plan and got ready to go. Called
I consciously decided (is that redundant?) to check in with Foursquare everywhere we went in order to have a record of the day:
As you can see, we were not having any luck at the first 3 stores. The stores either didn't have what we wanted or we didn't like the price.
We found the gift we wanted to be from us at the Sony Outlet Store - yay!
By this time we NEEDED food. Because it was just the 2 of us, we headed for our favorite BBQ place. It was the messiest damn thing I have ever eaten but I did NOT get one single drip of sauce on me.
As we ate we talked about what we should do about the fact that we were coming up empty-handed. I consulted the handy Amazon app on my phone and found that the things we wanted to get were available there and we still had time to order for pre-Christmas delivery. I couldn't believe we were going to spend all this time out shopping only to go home and order everything online!
Checked in with Grampa and told him we wanted to try one more store.
We headed to Target, at the other end of town.
I needed to use the restroom but Mark was antsy so he said to meet him back in the toy section. Pfft, whatever, Mr. No Pee!
He left me unattended near the dollar bins! Silly man.
Actually, after finding a couple cool snap bracelets I restrained myself from further perusal and made a beeline for the toys.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear?
Target gave us a Christmas shopping miracle!
{Begin gospel interlude} Oh happy day! Oh happy day! {End gospel interlude}
Still came home and placed an order for some things. And there's still stocking stuffers to get and small packages to send.
But major progress was made and I am pleased. And I didn't even want to kill anyone.
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" ~ Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
November 22, 2011
Tweetness
Hopefully you recall that back on November 13 The Sarcasm Goddess published a guest post from me in which I used the words vagina, bacon and legwarmers, per her request.
If you don't recall, you can read it HERE.
But the topic of this post is what transpired in among the resulting blog comments and tweets.
I said in my guest post that I didn't understand why legwarmers were making a fashion comeback. To which SG replied:
I asked:
Does she actually think I would lie? I accepted the challenge!
One person was not a fan:
And another was simply confused:
OK. See how @chicktuition mentioned colors? This was my next question.
I tweeted SG, asking what color she thought the legwarmers should be. She said pink and purple and tried to convince me she had held a twitter poll and that's what everyone decided. We argued back and forth a bit, and then this:
Finally, SG stopped being ornery:
PUNK and purple? That sounds fun!
Yesterday was the first opportunity I had to get to the craft store for yarn. I went with Jessica who likes to say things to me on Twitter like:
By the way, Jessica wants it noted for the record that she would not make me use such obnoxious colors. She's just sayin'.
If you don't recall, you can read it HERE.
But the topic of this post is what transpired in among the resulting blog comments and tweets.
I said in my guest post that I didn't understand why legwarmers were making a fashion comeback. To which SG replied:
I asked:
Does she actually think I would lie? I accepted the challenge!
One person was not a fan:
And another was simply confused:
OK. See how @chicktuition mentioned colors? This was my next question.
I tweeted SG, asking what color she thought the legwarmers should be. She said pink and purple and tried to convince me she had held a twitter poll and that's what everyone decided. We argued back and forth a bit, and then this:
Finally, SG stopped being ornery:
PUNK and purple? That sounds fun!
Yesterday was the first opportunity I had to get to the craft store for yarn. I went with Jessica who likes to say things to me on Twitter like:
I tweeted SG that I was on the job!
 |
| And this is what I bought! Can you believe it? There's pink, purple AND green there. Am I good, or what? |
This has been your first installment of the "Saga of the Legwarmers". Stay tuned for the next update.
Oh, and if you'd like to witness every detail, go make sure you're following all the ladies mentioned herein...forthwith!
November 5, 2011
Sir Julius the Orange
Almost a year ago I became the proud adoptive parent of a large-and-in-charge orange tabby cat. He is big and loud. Mouthy, really. He pretty much demanded I become his new Mom.
Why I needed another loud and mouthy presence in my life I do not know, (ahem) Mark (ahem)!
This called for an uber special name. After not a lot of deliberation I decided to call him Julius, both for his orangeness and his regal-ness. Then my friend Jessica came up with my cat's official Title:
Since the day after I brought him home I have been wanting to share Julius' "morning report" with you all, but every time I try to take a little video of him meowing his fat little ass off, he clams up.
That's a cat for ya.
So you're just going to have to take my word for it, he meows and meows at me EVERY morning from the second I descend the last step from my bedroom.
"Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!"
I imagine it's translatable to something like...
"Mom! Hi mom. OMG you're up! Good morning! Wow, all night I waited and waited for you to emerge. Well, I slept too, but really only because you weren't here, I swear. And wow, I really need fresh water. Oh and I'd LOVE to play with your yarn and if you'd hold me up high on your shoulder like a human baby I'd be so happy and oh don't forget to scratch my face. Oh oh, yes, that's it, that's the spot. If I could tell you what the kids were doing before you got up they'd be in so much trouble. Oh mom, I'm so happy you're up! ....But I'd be fine if you weren't."
And that, my friends, is a day in the life of my cat. Don't you just want to to pet and scratch and squish him? No? Just me? Well OK, but I promise if you ever visit, he'll make you love him!
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Why I needed another loud and mouthy presence in my life I do not know, (ahem) Mark (ahem)!
This called for an uber special name. After not a lot of deliberation I decided to call him Julius, both for his orangeness and his regal-ness. Then my friend Jessica came up with my cat's official Title:
Sir Julius the Orange from the Land of Purr
Captain of the Army of Snuggles
and
Speaker of the House of Meww
Since the day after I brought him home I have been wanting to share Julius' "morning report" with you all, but every time I try to take a little video of him meowing his fat little ass off, he clams up.
That's a cat for ya.
So you're just going to have to take my word for it, he meows and meows at me EVERY morning from the second I descend the last step from my bedroom.
"Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow!"
I imagine it's translatable to something like...
"Mom! Hi mom. OMG you're up! Good morning! Wow, all night I waited and waited for you to emerge. Well, I slept too, but really only because you weren't here, I swear. And wow, I really need fresh water. Oh and I'd LOVE to play with your yarn and if you'd hold me up high on your shoulder like a human baby I'd be so happy and oh don't forget to scratch my face. Oh oh, yes, that's it, that's the spot. If I could tell you what the kids were doing before you got up they'd be in so much trouble. Oh mom, I'm so happy you're up! ....But I'd be fine if you weren't."
 |
| The day I brought him home. |
 |
| You get a gold star if you can tell me what movie this line is from. |
And that, my friends, is a day in the life of my cat. Don't you just want to to pet and scratch and squish him? No? Just me? Well OK, but I promise if you ever visit, he'll make you love him!
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