February 3, 2015

Desperately Seeking Balance

Once a week? Twice a week?

That's all I can manage to blog?

I don't like it.

It's making me sad.

I know many bloggers struggle to post regularly. But I never have. This is foreign to me.

Sure, sometimes my posts are fluff. Sometimes they're sponsored. Right now, though, I have thought after thought after feeling that I'd like to write about. Flesh them out, both for my benefit and someone else's.

I'd also really like to submit posts to other sites. Like, really bad. I think about all the opportunities that are passing me by every day.

Making time to spend on the computer a priority just isn't happening as often as I need, though.

I don't think anybody besides a fellow blogger/writer can understand that it feels like I'm losing a part of myself.

To be perfectly honest, it's my husband's fault. Mark needs me so much right bow. And sometimes it's just that he wants me in the same room with him.

I started pecking this out on my phone while he watched Gold Rush. He didn't ask me to sit on the couch with him this time, but it seems that so often when I try to make myself comfortable at the computer, which is upstairs, I get called back down for one need or request after another.

And whenever I feel like I have a good opportunity to spend time on the one thing besides my family that I love, I tell Mark I want to be upstairs for awhile, he seems disappointed.

And then I feel bad.

Because what if I shouldn't be taking that time away from him because what if he doesn't live much longer?

On the other hand, what if he's going to be here awhile still and I don't need to put my stuff on hold waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop?

How do I find the balance amid the unknowns??

OR, it's a Monday, Wednesday or Friday morning when Mark is at dialysis and, typically, the kids are at school. I'm alone in the house....but there are still all these things nagging at me. Things that, in all honesty, truly are more important than my desire to blog.

Questioning it feels wrong because of how I've always boasted my Zen approach to blogging. It's serendipitous, I say. I write what I'm meant to write, it's never forced, and all that jazz.

No, I still don't need to force the writing.....it's the TIME I'm having a problem with!

Am I too nice? Do I give up on what I want too easily? Perhaps. I keep trying to make everyone happy, but they're not necessarily trying to do that for me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I have no desire to be a martyr. I simply want to move through this chronic illness and caregiving journey with as much grace -- and resolve -- as I can muster.

Without losing myself.

Simply? It's obviously not simple.

So much has changed, and I'm still trying to find my footing.

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