Moving On

I blogged very consistently for several years, but writing about my life has seriously dwindled for about the past three years.

A very sick spouse, grief and moving on into a new relationship have contributed to my absence.

But more so is this complete 180 in a particular aspect of my personality. The part of who I was that is kind of necessary to be a blogger: wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I kind of don't anymore.

Since Mark's death, I have become much more private about my personal thoughts and feelings.

And I don't know why.

I didn't need or want much help navigating my grief. I took the first year after my husband's death to JUST BE, to get comfortable with being a widow and with what life looked like without Mark (and everything that came with him) in it. I knew I was strong enough to get through it, and I guess I wanted to do it on my own.

(I am still an open book, however. If you ask me something, I'll answer honestly and from my heart. That will never change.)

Shortly after that first year, I decided I wanted to start dating. This was a surprise to me, as I had once thought I would have no desire to do so for a long time after my loss. Since I surprised myself with wanting to date, I didn't feel like I could adequately explain it to anyone else, so I kept quiet.

Just four months into online dating, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. Over the last 7 1/2 months, not only have I been all ushy-gushy over Sweet Man -- savoring every bit of it -- and again, staying pretty quiet (about our relationship) because I decided I don't care what anyone thinks about it.

Especially if there are any judgments floating around.

Fuck that. Don't need it. Not gonna have it.

I have earned my happiness and have zero desire to justify it to anyone.

For the record, I have no idea if anyone is harboring any negative judgments about how I've handled widowhood and finding love again. Maybe there aren't any. Probably not, honestly. But if there are, I don't care to know, so why would I open that particular can of worms by being all hey, look at me, my husband died and I've found love again....what do you think of that!?

I'm just over here living my life.

And I'm not sure I have anything else to say, to write about.

Sure, I'm still experiencing things, learning and growing and gaining wisdom and all that shit. But I don't find myself feeling the need to pontificate about any of it. I don't think I have anything unique to offer the world by sharing the things I go through publically.

I'm not special. I don't have more wisdom than anyone else (well, maybe a little about some things), and I don't want to be open to public criticism.

I'm also not willing to compare my relationships with Mark and Sweet Man. Those details of my life are too private and really only for me to think about.

Then there are my children. Well, my daughter is almost 18 and it's not really for me to chronicle her adult life. I don't feel it's appropriate to write much about my foster daughter because she's a ward of the state and there's a still on-going criminal case against her father. My son is in middle school, plays the bass clarinet and Fortnite and, well, big kids just aren't as interesting as babies and little kids, are they? Heck, even Jill Smokler, who founded Scary Mommy, has moved on from mom blogging!

Perhaps something will change in the future, and there is a lot of posterity here that I want to keep somehow, but it seems to me that my personal blogging journey has run its course.

I enjoy writing so maybe I will try to do some other form of it, but who knows?

Remember, I'm very Zen about these things.

What I've Been Doing Instead of Writing

I have been uncharacteristically quiet since my husband's death a little over a year ago.

This post just might be a figment of your imagination....

So what have I been doing instead of writing?

Honestly, binge-watching ALL THE SHOWS, and some grief nesting.

"Grief nesting", as I call it, began the very night Mark passed away when I came home from the hospital, took one look at his glucometer and meds, and threw them all in the trash.

The Art of Avoidance

Thoughts.

Feelings.

Events.

Good days.

Bad days.

Blogging Existentialism

For the entire last year it has been difficult for me to get my stuff out here. To write.

To share my life with whoever is interested.

This bothers me so much. I remember, like, four years ago, as I was getting all gung-ho about blogging, that I would often come across other bloggers who were complaining of writer's block and time constraints or whathaveyou thinking, "that'll never be me. I never seem to have a shortage of things to write about and the words just flow....".

Yet here I am.

I want so badly to be able to write for other sites, to lend my perspective where appropriate, to a wider audience, and maybe even be paid for it (is that OK to say?). But if I can't even manage to maintain my personal blog any more than once a week -- for myself -- how am I supposed to write for anyone else?

*scratches head.

I Am Poem

Hey you guys! This? This right here that you're reading? It's my 1000th post!!

What in the world should I write for my 1000th post??

Well....

A couple or three years ago many bloggers I read were writing "I Am" poems. I didn't at that time, but saved the template for it in my favorites, hoping I would one day set to writing one of my own.

This appears to be as good a time as any.

Why Am I Still Blogging?

Five years ago today I set up a Blogger account, created a blog I cleverly titled "Just Jennifer" and wrote my very first post.

I had no idea what I was doing. I had no clue about blogging, the "blogoshere", the hops, link-ups, memes, community or Twitter. I remained clueless for the entire first year. I didn't even think anyone besides my mom and my bestie would ever read it. I thought blogging was merely an online form of journaling.

(Why I thought that I don't know. Why write online if you don't want people to read it?)

Over the course of the next four years, however, my little bloggy mind expanded and things evolved into what you see now.

It's been very organic and Zen, for the most part. I mean, I'm not dumb, I have learned a little about SEO and social media engagement, thinking up clever post titles and how to create pinnable images in order to maybe have my writing read by a few other people than my mom and bestie.

There's the rub. I realized I wanted to be read by others. Potentially by lots of others. In getting to know other bloggers, their niches and whathaveyous, I discovered that I have a unique, and maybe even interesting, perspective on life.

How to Survive NaBloPoMo

Ah November!

AKA, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) or National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo).

It is about writing every day. To either crank out an entire novel or 30 consecutive blog posts.

I am not a novel writer (nor do I have any aspirations therein), but I am a blogger and I have completed two NaBlos.

Oy. The second one made me swear them off entirely. I became downright sick of myself!

My theory is that NaBloPoMo is especially good for bloggers who need a push, who have fallen off the blogging wagon and want to get back on, or maybe newbies who are looking for the learning and networking to be gained.

So, perhaps you've planned ahead, plotting out what you will post each day of this month. Or maybe you decided to take the plunge at the last minute and are flying by the seat of your pants.

Ask Jen Blog Post Series

The View From Here has had its year in the sun and is winding down (last post will be 9/25).

I have thought of something new to try, however. Not another guest post series....although it could be, maybe, a way for ME to guest post for others....

This idea has actually been knocking about my head for quite awhile. Ever since I had you guys ask me questions for my blogiversary in 2012.

I got lots of questions! So many that I did a series of posts to answer them.

The View From Here: Liminal Space

For this week's View I bring you someone whom I easily liked very shortly after discovering her blog. She has this habit of saying "here's the thing..." which is something I often say as well.

In fact, "Here's the Thing" used to be the name of her blog.

Oh, "she" is Kenya.

You'll get the rest of the skinny on her down below.

__________

Liminal Space

I’m in a liminal space right now, the threshold of what my life is and what I want it to be.

Directions

I can’t drive because my vision is impaired.

Yet, sitting in the passenger seat, I navigate streets better than the driver.

Allergic Reaction

The pain is intense.

Please hit me with the meds.

The View From Here: Just Do It

The View this week is from Lindsey Renaurd and....

Well, like the title says...

Let's just get to it!

__________

How do you do it all?

As an only parent this is the first question people ask me. My answer always has been, "I don't know. I just do."

Am I a Writer?

When I think about the answer to "am I a writer?", I always think, "naw, I'm just a blogger".

I've never had any great desire to write a book.

I don't have the first clue as to how to write poetry (I have oodles of respect for those who do).

I don't have the next great novel hiding somewhere inside me.

Guest Posts Needed

I need a favor.

My mother-in-law and niece are coming for a six day visit and I would like to take this opportunity to invite a couple guest posts.

It's kind of short notice. They will be here from the 9th to the 14th. I am thinking about two or three guest posts.

Hey, I'll have guests in my home AND on my blog!

That is, if any of you lovely people will step up and help a girl out.

I'm really easy.

Um....

You can write about whatever you want - I do! You don't even have to have a blog in a similar genre to mine. Maybe you have something in mind you could write about, but aren't sure it fits on your own blog. Lemme publish it! Don't even have a blog? Heck, I'm open to that too.

All I ask is that you'll help share the love on social media and interact with those who comment on your post.

I can even give you this handy-dandy image to include in a post on your blog:

If interested, please email me at jenannhallblog (at) gmail (dot) com. Or you can tweet me with questions.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

A Bloggy Year in Review

Oh 2012.....

It's been an interesting year for me. In many ways not good and very stressful. Yet also quite good and exciting. This year has changed me, really, as any year should, but I feel it more profoundly now. Just as my tagline reads, I've blogged my way through it all.

As this year draws to a close, I would like to list those posts that were either most viewed, or a personal favorite (or both), in each month.

January: I Am a Blogger - published on New Year's Day, you know, just to clarify.

February: I totally almost peed my pants!

March: My husband is in critical care.

April: It's My Birthday!

May: Confessions of a Blogger

June: Getting to Know My Daughter Better

July: A Simple Gratitude Post

August: Did You Know? About Dialysis

September: Let's be honest, shall we?

October: The Beauty All Around

November: Oh the things I'm learning....

December: He Struggles Too

Thank you for coming along on the ride with me!

NaBloPo-effing-Mo

10 Reasons NaBloPoMo is Pissing Me Off*

1. For me, it's making me post things that I'm not completely satisfied with, just because I have to post something.

2. That's not supposed to be the point, but I just can't put as much effort into 30 posts in 30 days as I otherwise would.

3. Therefor, I am not as proud of my posts right now.

4. I think perhaps NaBloPoMo isn't actually for someone like me, who has something of a regular posting rhythm.

4. It is more for those who are inconsistent bloggers and need to push themselves to post more often.

5. Sure, I take lots of pictures with my phone, but I can't imagine anyone needs to see any more of them than I already share.

6. And sure, I'm a little crafty, and I cook a little, but this is not a craft or cooking blog, so posting things like that should not dominate.

7. Erica at Yeah Write has been so supportive, even inviting those on the NaBloPoMo grid to enter posts on the challenge grid. But, see #3.

8. I could have written about choosing baby names for today's Listicle, but....meh. Do you really want to know how we arrived at our children's names? Most of you have never even asked what AJ stands for. If it weren't for NaBloPoMo I probably just wouldn't have posted today. But because I must bow down to the National Blog Posting Month gods, here I am butchering a Listicle....

9.  ....complaining about NaBloPoMo. Because I chose to do it and I'm too stubborn not to finish, but I'm not really enjoying it!

10. Will someone PLEASE make sure I don't sign-up for it next year?? I mean, seriously, reach through the computer screen and slap me if I even mention it!

I bet a bunch of bloggers are really diggin' it. I honestly thought I would too, because I did last year. I have learned a thing or two along the way, which is always a good thing. But....I think I'm at a point with blogging where I just don't need any challenges.....

You know what it is? Blogging is not supposed to be challenging. It is supposed to be the one thing in my life that is pretty easy. I feel like writing all the time. But if I don't feel like it, I don't have to. Right now though, NaBloPoMo is saying I have to. It's like it thinks it's the boss of me.

Well screw you, NaBloPoMo! I will finish out the week and then NEVER AGAIN.


*Could be that I'm just in a bad mood, frustrated, PMSing or fed up with something else entirely and choosing to take it out on NaBloPoMo**.

**Whatever.