I'm Less Important Than Everyone Else

I have always felt like my needs/wants/desires have been less important than anyone else's.

No, really.

Kind of odd for an only child, wouldn't you say? (Only children are generally characterized as a bit on the "it's all about me" side.)

Marrying the man I did doesn't help.

Losing Myself

I feel like I'm losing who I had been becoming before my husband got so much sicker.

I was an insecure young adult. I met Mark when I was 20 years old and was that clingy girlfriend. In my defense, I had recently become visually impaired and had just left home. Also, my inner child.

Marriage, babies, my 30s, blogging, and some therapy later, I felt like I was finally coming into my own. I felt I had gotten to know myself pretty well. Just Jennifer (my former blog name). The Me I am aside from The Carer of All Things.

Besides WifeMomCaregiver, I am someone who likes to write a blog, make things with yarn, go for walks, watch TV, listen to books and hang out with friends.

How I Do It

I recently shared an article on Facebook about how caregivers aren't superheroes. It asserts that "superhero" isn't a good enough descriptor for a caregiver.

My aunt commented her agreement, and that she doesn't know how I do it.

I am so very appreciative to know that others think I'm doing a good job. Validation, you know?

But then I got to thinking about how to respond.

How do I do it?

Learning to Delegate

It's an odd thing to feel like there's so much for you to control, and at the same time need to ask for help and delegate when you can in order to manage it all.

My husband got into our state's paid caregiver program last spring. He qualifies for someone to come into our home solely to help him. We can have an agency send someone, or we can have a friend or family member trained to do the job. We currently have a caregiver through an agency.

I used to be the sort of person who got very nervous when it came to having company in my home. We rarely did for so long (before we moved to Washington where some of my family lives and we actually made some friends).

Blogging Existentialism

For the entire last year it has been difficult for me to get my stuff out here. To write.

To share my life with whoever is interested.

This bothers me so much. I remember, like, four years ago, as I was getting all gung-ho about blogging, that I would often come across other bloggers who were complaining of writer's block and time constraints or whathaveyou thinking, "that'll never be me. I never seem to have a shortage of things to write about and the words just flow....".

Yet here I am.

I want so badly to be able to write for other sites, to lend my perspective where appropriate, to a wider audience, and maybe even be paid for it (is that OK to say?). But if I can't even manage to maintain my personal blog any more than once a week -- for myself -- how am I supposed to write for anyone else?

*scratches head.

Being a SAHM is Actually Easier

I think it is, in fact, easier to be a stay-at-home mom than a working mom.

There, I said it. Someone needed to, because really.

I can say this because I have been a SAHM for 12 years, since my firstborn, my daughter, was three years old (I worked part-time before we relocated from CA to WA). I had my son two and a half years later.

In that time I watched many an Oprah or Dr. Phil or The View, listening to discussions of work/life balance, tips on time management for busy moms, how to lose the baby weight, and and and...

I have read countless articles and blog posts on the topic of the so-called "Mommy Wars" (even written one or two myself), about how staying home with your kids isn't a real job, but if you work outside the home you're selfish.

I am SO OVER it. The finger-pointing and judgments.

Let's just look at it logically, shall we?

When a Blogger Has Too Much on Her Mind

....And cannot focus on any one topic enough to flesh it out and make any sort of actual point....she might choose to employ the exercise known as a "brain dump".

Because just like when your house is very messy and you look around at where to start and just end up overwhelmed so you freeze and do nothing?

Well, that's how my brain feels right now. There's a big ol' mess up in there!

Sometimes getting it out is necessary, if only to help you discover, and focus on, what matters most.

Desperately Seeking Balance

Once a week? Twice a week?

That's all I can manage to blog?

I don't like it.

It's making me sad.

I know many bloggers struggle to post regularly. But I never have. This is foreign to me.

Sure, sometimes my posts are fluff. Sometimes they're sponsored. Right now, though, I have thought after thought after feeling that I'd like to write about. Flesh them out, both for my benefit and someone else's.

Blogging Over the Holidays

Three, two, two....

Those numbers are how many times each of the weeks of December I have published a post. Apparently I squeezed out three the first week, but only two posts each of the following weeks.

When I am one who normally blogs three or four times every week.

But it's the Holidays. Not to mention, MY LIFE as of late.

I have been ten times busier in my everyday life since my husband's hospital stay in September. It has been a lot of work on my part (even with help) to keep everything running smoothly for us.

My blog is my refuge....but I haven't been able to get to it as much as I'd like. It makes me sad. But also in a way, it doesn't.

Because while blogging makes me feel good, so does taking care of my family.

I actually kind of hate it when bloggers feel the need to explain why they've been blogging less, or might need a break, to their readers.

6 Signs You Might Need a Good GNO

GNO = Girl's Night Out.

I got to get together with my girlfriends last week. It was for one of their birthdays.

The last time I had gotten together with all of them was for another one's birthday back in July.

That is way too long to go between Girl's Nights! Sad thing is, I had only missed ONE night when we were all supposed to hang out, so it's not like they were partying without me.

Ugh: Life.

Women need other women. No matter how much we love our significant others, children or extended family, girlfriends are a necessity. There are things that only they can understand and love you through.

So anyway, I got to thinking about how I know it's time. How I know it's been quite long enough, thank you, and I NEED to see my girls.

And because I'm super thoughtful, I will include HOW to make it happen.

BOOM.

I Need More Time

I was supposed to have more time for ALL THE THINGS when my kids went back to school after summer break.

For....

• Taking my walks
• Doing my chores
• Crocheting
• Keeping up with TV
• Making family dinners
• BLOGGING
• And.....

Things I want and need to do.

But just two weeks after school began my husband developed infection in multiple locations in his body, requiring a nine day hospitalization, including two procedures, and ongoing care at home and clinics ever since.

5 Little Ways I Take Time for Myself

I have been asked about how I could possibly find time for myself with all I have on my plate as a mother, wife and caregiver.

I pointed this out in my first Ask Jen post, but I'll just say again, I'm not aiming for any sort of perfect. I'm not going to cry in my Cheerios if something doesn't get done.

In fact, I must admit I completely forgot about my son's school picture day earlier this month. The school sent home the order form and I fully intended to place an order online beforehand and send AJ to school looking sharp. But because I spaced it (the order form got lost under other papers and I didn't write it on the calendar), he wore some graphic tee and probably shorts that day.

That's a bummer, but it's not the end of the world. I got some nice pictures of him last year, and I can try again next year.

I may not be campaigning for the Perfection of Womanhood Award, but we all know it's a pretty universal female trait to think of ourselves last. We are natural nurturers.

It's Not ALL About Me

A couple of weeks ago, right before my husband's recent hospital stay, we had an appointment with his vascular surgeon. He scheduled another procedure for Mark, an angiogram of his right leg, which he never actually ended up having....

But that's not really what I want to talk about.

After seeing the doctor and talking with him about the nasty sore Mark has on his right heel, and what it might mean if we can't get it to heal, that this is another thing, something changed for me.

It has been coming over time, with each new ordeal that crops up in Mark's chronic illness journey....

That he and I are on two SEPARATE paths. Two different journeys.

Ask Jen: On Motherhood, Caregiving and Time Off

Reader Question

Asked by Peggy, a fan of the Dancing in the Rain Facebook page: How do you deal with being mom, wife, caretaker, etc, with little to no time for yourself?

My Answer

I saw this on Facebook several months ago:

To which one person replied, "Not if you are a mom!"

It kind of annoyed me.

The View From Here: Liminal Space

For this week's View I bring you someone whom I easily liked very shortly after discovering her blog. She has this habit of saying "here's the thing..." which is something I often say as well.

In fact, "Here's the Thing" used to be the name of her blog.

Oh, "she" is Kenya.

You'll get the rest of the skinny on her down below.

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Liminal Space

I’m in a liminal space right now, the threshold of what my life is and what I want it to be.

At the Heart of My Journey

In the post I wrote last week about finding ME and shedding the bulk of my insecurities, there was something I didn't mention.

One of the things that helped spur me on to getting to this place.

I might have thought of it while I was writing that post, but felt uncertain about voicing it.

It might come across as macabre.

It's not as if I haven't talked about it before.

It's just....

I try so hard in my daily life not to dwell on the idea that my husband could leave me a widow due to his myriad health problems, so the longer I can go without mentioning it on the blog, the better I guess I think I'm doing with it....?

I don't know. The truth is, The thought crosses my mind daily. Sometimes it's fleeting and I shrug it off easily. Other times it sucker punches me straight in the gut and I literally have to catch my breath.

photo credit: dlemieux via photopin cc

It's a fine line I feel like I'm walking ever since Mark's arrhythmia two years ago: finding myself and becoming stronger, without pulling away from my husband. While I think I've come to a logical conclusion based on past events that I will outlive him, I never want to start acting like -- or treat him like -- he's already gone.

Mark himself has expressed that he often feels like people are just waiting for him to die, failing to see that he's still right here, trying to live his life to the fullest that he's able to. His wife can't make him feel that way. I don't want to.

I love him and want him here for absolutely as long as possible. He could be for quite some time still. We just don't know. That uncertainty is very frustrating and scary. It makes me angry and sad sometimes that this is something I can't shake, that I think about on some level every single day of my life.

So this is what I left out of that other post: that the potential loss of my spouse is one of the things that has helped motivate me to get right with myself. To figure out what really matters to me, to feel like I'm awesome all on my own.

Because in the event of Mark's death, I will NEED to know that. My kids will need to be able to look to me and see someone who's got this. Camryn and AJ need a strong and capable mom. If they lose their dad, I will have to be able to hold them up, but I won't be very good at it if I'm not already holding myself up.

It's akin to the instructions you get on an airplane about the oxygen masks. What do they always tell us? To place the mask over our own nose and mouth before our children's.

I'm speaking as someone who has been shown the very real possibility of losing her husband. However, I think even for those who don't worry about losing their spouse every day, it is a good idea to get to a place where you feel like you could handle life on your own if you had to.

Slowly But Surely

I am nearly 40 years old. I have a little countdown widget over in the sidebar.

It wasn't until right around the time I was turning 39, that a switch finally flipped inside me.

You know the one.

It's the one that has to do with your self-esteem, having a pretty good idea of who you are and what matters to you, and feeling comfortable in your own skin. The one where, once finally switched on, lets you feel your self-worth, lets you know that you matter.

Yeah, that one.

I tell people all the time when describing my daughter that she'll get there, slowly but surely. I've always thought this has to do with having ADHD, that she's constantly getting distracted and is rarely in any great hurry to do anything.

But maybe it has nothing to do with ADHD. I don't have it, and never did, yet I am now thinking the same thing about myself.

I'll get there.....eventually.

Being that I'm one to ask why, I asked myself, "So Jen, why do you think it's taken you so long to feel good about yourself, and have a little more confidence?"

Light bulb!

I think it has to do with meeting my husband at only 20 years old.

Not that Mark has ever done anything to make me feel less than. He is a wonderful man, has loved me well for nearly half of my life. He is a great husband.

However.....

I think attaching myself to another person -- THE person -- at such a young age, made it more difficult for me to discover who I am as an individual.

Not only that, but all of the trauma we've endured together has served to make us each quite damaged in our own ways.

I would in no way take back anything about my relationship with my husband. I've said it before, and I'll say it until the day I die, Mark is the great love of my life. We met when we met; there's no changing that.

I'm just saying that I think when you become part of a couple -- and I didn't see it before now -- there is indeed a tradeoff. You get to go through life with someone you love and who loves you back, but maybe it then takes longer than it might if you were single, to find out who just YOU are.

I was such a control freak in the beginning with Mark. I had to be a part of everything he was involved in. I had to go to every single appointment and know and manage ALL THE THINGS. Mark isn't a control freak, so he let me. I think he also didn't mind the help.

Then I became a mother and had to let Mark take care of his own self more. Then lots of big, scary things happened to Mark and I was forced to see that there's nothing I can do about it. No amount of control freak will fix his health problems. I had to accept that I actually have no control.

As it turns out, learning that lesson was liberating. And then blogging. And then therapy. Oh, the things I've learned!

I found my way to a place -- fighting tooth and nail with myself the whole way -- where, even though I am still married and in love with my husband and he still has health problems....I'm still a mom, still have these people who need me and expect things of me....I am also ME. Jennifer. Jen. Jenni. Mrs. Dancing in the Rain.

It feels good. But man, it was slow!

I can't say I'm not a little disappointed in myself for letting it take so long. I also can't say I am suddenly devoid of insecurities. My eyes will always be a stumbling block for me. Regularly needing to ask others for help when Mark is in the hospital or something, will continue to give me a complex.

Nor am I claiming to have found the magic formula for attaining balance. That is something that each of us has to look for every day. It changes what it looks like every single day.

Perhaps this is a cautionary tale. Maybe what I'm trying to impart here is that no matter who or what are factors in our lives, we must still find a way to be who we are. To figure that out. To embrace it.

And if we can do that, even if it comes about slowly, surely it will.

Zen Blogging Goals

What are my blogging goals for this year?

Funny you should ask.

Well, maybe not YOU specifically, but the Finish the Sentence Friday gals did.

I'm not sure if I can say I have hard and fast GOALS because I take a very Zen approach to my blogging. I do what feels right at the time. I don't have some calculated strategy to try and become some big time, famous capital-B Blogger.

Sure, I want to do it well, I don't dislike making a little money through blogging. I want to be liked, I enjoy writing about my life (it is very therapeutic) and of course I love the interactions with others. Now that I've been at it awhile, I've become quite compelled to be a voice for others like me, loved ones of those with chronic illness. I have yet to find another blogger who is the spouse of someone with complicated health problems, nor have I met one who is visually impaired like me.

I know I have a unique perspective to draw on and share, and that's the biggest reason I love blogging. Each of us does, in some way, and that's why I love other blogs too.

So, no "I'll be working hard towards this" goals, per se, but I do have a few things that have been bouncing around in my head.

I renamed my blog from just JENNIFER to Dancing in the Rain in October. That was a pretty big task because it involved changing my URL, creating new visual elements for EVERYTHING, updating links across all social media channels and creating a new Facebook page and bugging people to like it.

But it was totally worth it. I felt such a sense of relief, actually, when it was done. There's something unsettling about a piece of you not being the correct representation OF YOU, if you know what I mean.

Yeah so, there's that.

A lot of "blogging advice" I've read mentions having a newsletter option, so I've thought about that. I want to keep The View From Here guest post series going for at least a year. Wanna help me out? Go HERE.

I've also been thinking about wanting to have a conversation about the definition of a caregiver. I feel that someone in my situation is overlooked as such, and therefor not given the kind of support they might need. I want to write about it, and see if it will open people's minds a bit.

I want to write a post about how my MIL got my husband diagnosed with diabetes when he was nine. She came up against a stubborn doctor and had to fight for what her son needed.

I'll probably be writing more about my daughter's school situation, as things arise. My son's 8th birthday is this month, and I want to share his school portrait and ask him the same interview questions I asked Camryn last fall. I will most definitely be blogging about hitting the ripe old age of 40 in April!

I have drafts started on the topics of marriage and other relationships, motherhood, being a homeowner, my opinion on gun control, girl power, more self-psychoanalysis and fitness challenges, decorating my bedroom....

I guess you could say my goal is to keep blogging about my life!

Isn't that the whole point, anyway?

Beyond all that, I will always remain open to the possibilities that blogging and social media bring my way, express gratitude, and will strive to balance it with the other things I love.

Next, I need to post about my word for 2014!

The View From Here: Not in the Picture

The first View of 2014 is coming to you from Larks Notes This!

Pretty sure she is someone I met at Yeah Write.

Larks' Twitter bio reads:

Interested in politics, parenting, food, and pop culture. Laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have pneumonia. Then take antibiotics.

She is a fellow Washingtonian, was chosen one of BlogHer's 2013 Voices of the Year, is funny and smart, and her post for this series is something I'm fairly certain so many of us can relate to. She hasn't posted on her own blog since the end of NaBloPoMo in November, so I'm pretty flattered that she wrote for me today.

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Not in the Picture

I am unreasonably irritated by a bumper sticker on one of the cars I see at my kid’s school. It reads, “I am my kids’ mom.”

I know this is me taking a simple four word slogan and projecting my own issues onto it but I picture “I am my kids’ mom” as being the first sentence in a paragraph that continues along the lines of, “As my way of giving back to those less fortunate, I will pray for your partner and children because you are one of those broken women who have outside interests that extend past chevrons.”
  

It’s the whole “motherhood as martyrdom” thing. I mean, I get it, bumper sticker haver. Your children are your priority. As opposed to the rest of us hanging around at elementary school pick up who are pretty much indifferent towards our offspring and just decided to show up to retrieve them because all the good bars aren’t open yet.

But here’s the kicker:

I was going through my Instagram feed the other day as kind of a “year in review” exercise. There’s a lot of random stuff in there, some worth saving, some not. My daughter making Christmas cookies. A pacifier with a mustache attachment. So many sunsets. Even a dude wearing a possum like a Baby Bjorn for hill people. But you know what’s not in there? Me.

Okay, okay so that’s not entirely true. There are two pictures of my feet and one picture of me ill advisedly going down a three story high slide in a maxi dress. But out of hundreds upon hundreds of snapshots that’s it.

I’m not in the picture. And it’s not just because I don’t know how to take a selfie. It’s that it never occurred to me to do so.

As I reflect back on 2013 I can’t help but think this is emblematic of a larger issue. I wear a lot of hats. We all do. I’m a lover of red wine and red nail polish, a wife, a Doctor Who fan, a Seattleite, an awkward jogger and yoga enthusiast, a feminist, a reader of everything from Pablo Neruda to Cassandra Clare, a writer, a Michael Buble skeptic. And so many more things. But over the past five years one label has subsumed my identity: Mother.

What can I do to promote early reading skills? Why is everyone at Monster High emaciated? How can I put healthy family dinners together every. single. night. while sticking to a tight food budget?

All of these are important questions and mother is an important role, but at some point it bled into everything else. And I am no longer in the picture. Literally.

As my daughter grows older and needs me less this thought becomes increasingly unsettling. I don’t want her to grow up thinking that once you have kids it’s all hideous jeans and saccharine conversations that use “the children” as strawmen. Yet here I am, the not so proud owner of a grand total of one pair of jeans that are vaguely flattering. And I just spent twenty minutes talking to a woman who used the phrases “our little blessings” and “think of THE CHILDREN!” at least a dozen times.

Clearly I’m in need of some mother-life balance. Not that I need or want to focus on my family less. I just need to focus on myself more, dust off some of my other hats, and remember what it feels like to wear them.

I want to be a lot of things, but a seriously annoying bumper sticker isn't one of them.

__________

Happens all the time, doesn't it?

Balance.

Find more of Larks at her

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**If you are interested in contributing to this series, please go HERE**

At the End of the Day

Just last week I confided to a couple of my friends that regardless of how much I generally wear my heart on my sleeve, I still think there are a few things I can't, or shouldn't, say.

Also, I do get very tired of harping on the stuff I deal with. It is what it is.

Of course, though, a big reason I blog is to air it all out, to share my life perspective. For the benefit of GETTING IT OUT,  and if, perchance, someone in a similar situation came here and felt like somebody understands....

Life is a mixed bag. A big, jumbled, tissues, chewed bubblegum, hair clips, chap stick and change in the bottom MESS of a bag.

There are things that you make happen, whether intentionally or not, and things that happen TO you.

For example, wanting to have a child. I wanted that and made it happen. On the other hand, my eye problems happened to me. That was not something I wanted.

I'm not sure how to categorize my husband's health problems.

I met him as a visually impaired Diabetic. I married him as a sighted kidney-pancreas transplant recipient. Now, and for the last almost 12 years, Mark is a Diabetic on dialysis with multiple heart conditions.

Mark and I made the transplant happen. But the rest of it? Happened to him/us. No one wanted any of it. No one wants any of it.

They say it's not what you're given but how you handle it that matters. I tend to agree. More on that later.

Because sometimes I get disheartened, even angry, about what we've been given.

Did I ask for a sick husband because I married him knowing the possibilities?

I don't think so. Even when two people getting married are both perfectly healthy and they say the vows "in sickness and in health", they don't really think about the possibility of sickness. And perfectly healthy people can develop health problems down the road.

When you get married and say those vows, though, you sign up for it all. In our case, "it all" is a lot. Not as much as some, but more than most.

I didn't want to be worried all the time. I didn't want ever to be faced with the idea of being a young(ish) widow. I didn't want to deal with nasty low blood sugars that take everything out of both of us. I didn't want to feel like hospitals are my second home. Regardless of how informed I may or may not have been on my wedding day, I didn't bargain for the disease(s) to lead to a loss of intimacy with the love of my life. I didn't want every cough, sneeze, ache and pain my husband has to make me think about worst case scenarios. Every. Single. Time. I didn't want PTSD because my husband has had to be shocked back to life on more than one occasion.

To know the itemized cost of resuscitation. How much a life is worth. Around $346.

I never wanted to feel helpless sitting at home because I cannot simply jump in the car and get to wherever Mark or one one of my kids is at a moment's notice. I never wanted to feel like this life, these limitations, are holding me back, that there are things I simply cannot do. That because of all this crap, I have so many worries, and I hesitate. I question. I fear. I am damaged.

And yet. And yet I am happy.

To know true and abiding love. To be a mom. To have sweet and generous family, and caring friends. My little house and big, fat cat. That I'm not totally blind, and that, despite everything he's been through, Mark is a fighter.

How we handle the things we've been given? I can now hold my head up and own that we do it with courage and grace. Because having to wage war on the crap life throws at you gives you the perspective to truly appreciate the good. To focus on it. To nurture it and help it grow BIGGER than the bad.

This is what we try to do every day. Sometimes we're not successful. But mostly we are.

So yeah -- and I'm saying all of this as much for myself as for anyone else -- we have to deal with some tough stuff. Sometimes it really sucks. There are things missing; things we want but can't have. I will never sugar coat it.

But we have the most important things that at the end of the day are all anybody really wants. And we CHOOSE to let those things fill us up.