Moving On

I blogged very consistently for several years, but writing about my life has seriously dwindled for about the past three years.

A very sick spouse, grief and moving on into a new relationship have contributed to my absence.

But more so is this complete 180 in a particular aspect of my personality. The part of who I was that is kind of necessary to be a blogger: wearing my heart on my sleeve.

I kind of don't anymore.

Since Mark's death, I have become much more private about my personal thoughts and feelings.

And I don't know why.

I didn't need or want much help navigating my grief. I took the first year after my husband's death to JUST BE, to get comfortable with being a widow and with what life looked like without Mark (and everything that came with him) in it. I knew I was strong enough to get through it, and I guess I wanted to do it on my own.

(I am still an open book, however. If you ask me something, I'll answer honestly and from my heart. That will never change.)

Shortly after that first year, I decided I wanted to start dating. This was a surprise to me, as I had once thought I would have no desire to do so for a long time after my loss. Since I surprised myself with wanting to date, I didn't feel like I could adequately explain it to anyone else, so I kept quiet.

Just four months into online dating, I met a wonderful man and fell in love. Over the last 7 1/2 months, not only have I been all ushy-gushy over Sweet Man -- savoring every bit of it -- and again, staying pretty quiet (about our relationship) because I decided I don't care what anyone thinks about it.

Especially if there are any judgments floating around.

Fuck that. Don't need it. Not gonna have it.

I have earned my happiness and have zero desire to justify it to anyone.

For the record, I have no idea if anyone is harboring any negative judgments about how I've handled widowhood and finding love again. Maybe there aren't any. Probably not, honestly. But if there are, I don't care to know, so why would I open that particular can of worms by being all hey, look at me, my husband died and I've found love again....what do you think of that!?

I'm just over here living my life.

And I'm not sure I have anything else to say, to write about.

Sure, I'm still experiencing things, learning and growing and gaining wisdom and all that shit. But I don't find myself feeling the need to pontificate about any of it. I don't think I have anything unique to offer the world by sharing the things I go through publically.

I'm not special. I don't have more wisdom than anyone else (well, maybe a little about some things), and I don't want to be open to public criticism.

I'm also not willing to compare my relationships with Mark and Sweet Man. Those details of my life are too private and really only for me to think about.

Then there are my children. Well, my daughter is almost 18 and it's not really for me to chronicle her adult life. I don't feel it's appropriate to write much about my foster daughter because she's a ward of the state and there's a still on-going criminal case against her father. My son is in middle school, plays the bass clarinet and Fortnite and, well, big kids just aren't as interesting as babies and little kids, are they? Heck, even Jill Smokler, who founded Scary Mommy, has moved on from mom blogging!

Perhaps something will change in the future, and there is a lot of posterity here that I want to keep somehow, but it seems to me that my personal blogging journey has run its course.

I enjoy writing so maybe I will try to do some other form of it, but who knows?

Remember, I'm very Zen about these things.

This Shit is Real

"How are you?"

"I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm OK" are the standard answers, whether true or not.

I say them all the time. Partly because there are things I feel like I shouldn't -- or don't want to -- admit.

You know, things that could make me look vulnerable or weak.

Because I pride myself on being a strong person. I've earned it.

But you know what? I still have feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt, or weird and hard to understand.

The Evolution of a New Widow

My husband died 15 months ago and there have been many changes. Some days I feel like that's what my life is now: change.

I'm doing really well. So are my kids.

We've been through the gambit of grief emotions, of course. It's interesting to me to note, though, that I haven't experienced much anger.

8 Months Since My Husband Died & One Word for 2017

The song "Take it All" by the amazing Adele is one that speaks to me as I journey through the grief process.

Actually, it spoke to me even before Mark passed away. Probably because I knew he was going to (have to) leave me. I've really been grieving for, like two and a half years.

The lyrics are most obviously about a break-up. My husband and I didn't break up, but I've always thought that many love/break-up songs can easily be applied to other circumstances; felt in other ways, for other reasons.

A Funny Thing Happened

I am in an odd place.

A hard to explain place.

I think I've said that a lot over the past year or so. But now it's, like, more.

For the last three weeks, I have been thinking and noodling and pondering just what is going on with me. Where am I at? What do I want to say? Do I have anything to say?

That last question is the most important because you see, I recently read something another blogger wrote in which she was giving new blogger advice. One piece jumped out at me and I have been chewing on it ever since. She said to write what you want to read.

Losing Myself

I feel like I'm losing who I had been becoming before my husband got so much sicker.

I was an insecure young adult. I met Mark when I was 20 years old and was that clingy girlfriend. In my defense, I had recently become visually impaired and had just left home. Also, my inner child.

Marriage, babies, my 30s, blogging, and some therapy later, I felt like I was finally coming into my own. I felt I had gotten to know myself pretty well. Just Jennifer (my former blog name). The Me I am aside from The Carer of All Things.

Besides WifeMomCaregiver, I am someone who likes to write a blog, make things with yarn, go for walks, watch TV, listen to books and hang out with friends.

Apple Banana Muffin Cakes

The other day I noticed the bunch of bananas I recently bought -- all seven of them -- turning brown.

Obviously this calls for a loaf of banana bread, which, in my book, calls for four bananas.

Three left. Hmm... 

I decided to mix up two batches of banana bread batter, each with three and a half bananas. I made one regular loaf (because that's what the husband prefers), and then did something a little more interesting with the other batch.

Go Fund Us!

At my husband's behest, I set up a GoFundMe campaign last night.

Hall Home Help

I titled it "Hall Home Help" because we need to do some things around our house. And I enjoy alliteration.

We're going down this path because we tried applying for home equity loans/lines of credit but were summarily denied by three different banks.

Blogging Existentialism

For the entire last year it has been difficult for me to get my stuff out here. To write.

To share my life with whoever is interested.

This bothers me so much. I remember, like, four years ago, as I was getting all gung-ho about blogging, that I would often come across other bloggers who were complaining of writer's block and time constraints or whathaveyou thinking, "that'll never be me. I never seem to have a shortage of things to write about and the words just flow....".

Yet here I am.

I want so badly to be able to write for other sites, to lend my perspective where appropriate, to a wider audience, and maybe even be paid for it (is that OK to say?). But if I can't even manage to maintain my personal blog any more than once a week -- for myself -- how am I supposed to write for anyone else?

*scratches head.

I Don't Want to Talk About It

I've been having a problem lately.

I can't seem to -- or don't want to -- talk about things.

Or, for the purposes of my blog, write about them.

I am referring to my thoughts, feelings, struggles, resolutions, and etcetera regarding my husband's health problems and being his primary caregiver.

It's my biggest issue in life and I don't really want to talk about it.

I don't know if anyone has noticed.

The last couple of posts I've written that have to do with chronic illness and caregiving aren't entirely clear. Even my awful, negative, ranty post -- as honest as it was -- still skirted around some things.

Today

I just want to tell you what we did today.

It was such a little thing, really. A family outing that probably most people just do and don't really think much of.

But it's kind of a bigger deal to me.

Because Mark can't drive anymore (I never could, remember) and he may have one doctor appointment or another, or be in the hospital, or even just not feel well enough....

So we don't do many fun things as a family these days. I do things sometimes, and our kids do too, with friends and such. Once in awhile Mark gets to as well.

Today? We took a quick 15 minute drive with Mark's paid caregiver to a local beach and picnic area called Kayak Point.

(Don't think the caregiver is supposed to take us to do such things, but it's very nice that she wants to; kind of feels like she's taking care of all of us a little bit.)

I Can't Blog....I Haz the Life

I am writing this real quick, on the fly, before I bail out of my house for a girl's night out that I'm desperately hoping I can fake my way to happy for.

You see, things have been very trying for me (and Mark) for the last few weeks, and it's all been bubbling to the surface these last few days.

there's all of THAT, along with the kids home for the summer and a very long and annoying heat wave uncharacteristic of Western Washington.

Some Things Just Are What They Are

While perusing my Facebook news feed recently I saw a fan page status asking followers what common phrases get under their skin.

Several people answered, "It is what it is." One person clarified, "Ugh, just change it!"

I kept thinking about this for hours. (Funny how something you see in passing will do that to you, hu?)

You see, that phrase is one if my life mantras (I have it printed on a mug, and would buy a wall hanging of it if I found one I liked), so I can't understand why anyone would be put off by it.

And the person who exclaimed "just change it!" bothered me because that is the exact opposite of what the phrase is about.

When a Blogger Has Too Much on Her Mind

....And cannot focus on any one topic enough to flesh it out and make any sort of actual point....she might choose to employ the exercise known as a "brain dump".

Because just like when your house is very messy and you look around at where to start and just end up overwhelmed so you freeze and do nothing?

Well, that's how my brain feels right now. There's a big ol' mess up in there!

Sometimes getting it out is necessary, if only to help you discover, and focus on, what matters most.

Four Life-Altering Choices

I've been feeling a bit of bloggy nostalgia since my five year anniversary passed at the end of April.

While many of my early posts kind of suck, there are some that I am very proud of, but that most of you probably never read. Either because I was ignorant of how to pimp myself, or because you hadn't discovered me yet (which I suppose kind of go together).

So I'm thinking while my family is in this place of flux due to the end of the school year, coupled with my husband being away from home in a rehab facility, I would dig up some gems, edit and republish.

___

I first wrote this post back on May 6, 2011.

It's about those decisions we make in life that change our lives in some way.

A Summer Bucket List of Little Things

I've noticed that many people seem to be into this notion of creating a summer bucket list. I get it. It's about seizing the moment, carpe diem and all that.

We often think there's plenty of time to do all the fun summer things, but then those three months go screaming by.

I don't think I have a "bucket" list so much as a "to-do" list. My family is just not the kind that gets to do a whole lot of BIG things.

Why Am I Still Blogging?

Five years ago today I set up a Blogger account, created a blog I cleverly titled "Just Jennifer" and wrote my very first post.

I had no idea what I was doing. I had no clue about blogging, the "blogoshere", the hops, link-ups, memes, community or Twitter. I remained clueless for the entire first year. I didn't even think anyone besides my mom and my bestie would ever read it. I thought blogging was merely an online form of journaling.

(Why I thought that I don't know. Why write online if you don't want people to read it?)

Over the course of the next four years, however, my little bloggy mind expanded and things evolved into what you see now.

It's been very organic and Zen, for the most part. I mean, I'm not dumb, I have learned a little about SEO and social media engagement, thinking up clever post titles and how to create pinnable images in order to maybe have my writing read by a few other people than my mom and bestie.

There's the rub. I realized I wanted to be read by others. Potentially by lots of others. In getting to know other bloggers, their niches and whathaveyous, I discovered that I have a unique, and maybe even interesting, perspective on life.

Imma Throw Around Some Thankfuls

When your week goes screaming by so fast -- and a bit dramatically -- and you never get a calm moment to write anything else, you sit down on Friday and decide the very least you can do is come up with things to be grateful for.

41 Things I've Learned in 41 Years

Today is my 41st birthday.

I didn't !! that sentence because, meh. Forty-one just isn't sexy.

Although, I have a friend who thinks it's the bee's knees. She's not here yet and is hoping to have life a lot more figured out by 41.

I told her I think maybe I have it at least half figured out. Also, that some of us are late bloomers. I say that because I think I should have learned more by now. Slowly but surely...

You wanna know what I've learned in my 41 years? Here ya go!

Old School Blogging: Things You're Dying to Know

The theme of my life this week is "old school".

From my best friend since high school visiting, to the kick-ass new cabinet she built me*, to finally getting the retro diner style table I've always wanted....

Yeah, old school.

So, Elaine says that Old School Blogging this month is "full-on random".

Random works for me because, along with old school, everything feels pretty random to me right now as well! (I cannot seem to have a day go according to plan to save my life.)