Falling in Love Again

A very surprising thing happened to me three months ago; I fell in love again.

I know, right!?

I say "again" because it is comparable to what I had with my late husband. If it wasn't, I wouldn't say again. Because the time, love and commitment that Mark and I shared set the bar high for me.

It's surprising because, although I was actively dating, I wasn't meeting men who were love and relationship material. Also, I sincerely didn't expect to find what many widows call their "chapter two".

But I think I have.

The Evolution of a New Widow

My husband died 15 months ago and there have been many changes. Some days I feel like that's what my life is now: change.

I'm doing really well. So are my kids.

We've been through the gambit of grief emotions, of course. It's interesting to me to note, though, that I haven't experienced much anger.

Forcing Thankful

I've been in the downy-dumps most of this week, despite trying thing after thing to raise my spirits.

It hasn't been all terrible-awful, but definitely a whole lot of blah and meh. And sigh. And maybe some ugh.

One thing -- on top of the other many things -- which has been weighing on me is that my husband has had C. diff since (at least) sometime after his last round of antibiotics began the week of our son's birthday last month.

Learning to Delegate

It's an odd thing to feel like there's so much for you to control, and at the same time need to ask for help and delegate when you can in order to manage it all.

My husband got into our state's paid caregiver program last spring. He qualifies for someone to come into our home solely to help him. We can have an agency send someone, or we can have a friend or family member trained to do the job. We currently have a caregiver through an agency.

I used to be the sort of person who got very nervous when it came to having company in my home. We rarely did for so long (before we moved to Washington where some of my family lives and we actually made some friends).

Go Fund Us!

At my husband's behest, I set up a GoFundMe campaign last night.

Hall Home Help

I titled it "Hall Home Help" because we need to do some things around our house. And I enjoy alliteration.

We're going down this path because we tried applying for home equity loans/lines of credit but were summarily denied by three different banks.

These Little Moments

There have been some little changes going on in our house these past couple weeks that are kind of cool.

Mark got another hole punched in his hospital frequent visitor card, which of course is not so good. But it was, like, OK. Sure, he had developed yet another infection and was put on yet another round of IV antibiotics (plus an anti-fungal).

It's just that he was different during that stay. Calmer and more accepting. There was some emotional tension to work through after he got home, which included a trip to his therapist, but that ended up OK too.

And I'm left feeling grateful for some things:

Today

I just want to tell you what we did today.

It was such a little thing, really. A family outing that probably most people just do and don't really think much of.

But it's kind of a bigger deal to me.

Because Mark can't drive anymore (I never could, remember) and he may have one doctor appointment or another, or be in the hospital, or even just not feel well enough....

So we don't do many fun things as a family these days. I do things sometimes, and our kids do too, with friends and such. Once in awhile Mark gets to as well.

Today? We took a quick 15 minute drive with Mark's paid caregiver to a local beach and picnic area called Kayak Point.

(Don't think the caregiver is supposed to take us to do such things, but it's very nice that she wants to; kind of feels like she's taking care of all of us a little bit.)

Bullshit vs. Gratitude

I felt a whole lot of gratitude this week.

It's not that anything particularly wonderful happened.

I think what it it is, is that, at least for me, the circumstances of my life have taught me to easily notice all the things I could/should be thankful for.

To the point, honestly, where I am often dumbfounded by those who don't see. I am that person who, when listening to someone complain about something, can almost always find a way to spin the complaint into something to be grateful for.

Now before you go calling me Suzy Sunshine, it's not that I always arrive at my gratefuls without ever first feeling anger, bitterness or the urge to coat my feelings in sarcasm.

I am both easily frustrated....and easily thankful.

10 Reasons I'm Thankful for my Husband's Surgery

My husband Mark had surgery on his chest this last week. He had been trying for many months to avoid this surgery. There was much anxiety associated with it.

But everything went very well. He is currently still in the hospital awaiting evaluations for inpatient rehabilitative care.

I am very thankful for some things, and they are:

Imma Throw Around Some Thankfuls

When your week goes screaming by so fast -- and a bit dramatically -- and you never get a calm moment to write anything else, you sit down on Friday and decide the very least you can do is come up with things to be grateful for.

I'm Still Lucky

I read some awful news on Facebook yesterday.

A blogger friend's wife passed away. I knew she had been diagnosed with breast cancer some time back, but I had apparently not kept up with how she was doing...

But that's not my point. It floored me, of course because of the loss, but also because fuck yeah, that does happen. People do lose their best friend and significant other. All the time, in fact.

And there is a very real possibility that it will happen to me.

What I'm Thankful for Right Now

Yes it's Thanksgiving week and yes, lots and lots of people are thinking (and writing) about what they're thankful for.

As it should be.

I am no different. If you've read me at all, you know I share my gratitude a lot. In the four and a half years I've been blogging, I have never been able to let Thanksgiving go by without some sort of thankful list.

So why should this year be any different?

It shouldn't.

Even though it has been one of the hardest years. Or rather, BECAUSE it has been a hard year?

Because of Love

My dad, for all his inherent manliness, is really a big softy.

There are many things he's taught me during my life, like:

• How to ride a bike
• How to cook the basics
• Work before play (but DO play)
• Love of music
• Responsibility

There have been lots of pearls of wisdom and advice given over the years (some that I took in and others I didn't, for better or worse), but the thing that sticks out the most in my mind right now, is actually something we talked about very recently.

Digging Deep for Smiles and Gratitude

I've gotta try to do this.

Because I'm not in a great place right now.

And I really want to pull myself up.

But it's hard when there's so much weighing you down.

Like today being one week since the school shooting in my town. Or this year of continuous health complications for my husband.

I feel like I am surrounded by grief and loss and heartache. Perhaps I'm too empathetic. Maybe I should have a thicker skin.

But I don't. That's not who I am.

I'm walking a fine line between letting myself feel however I feel, and not wallowing in it.

I realize this might not be the best way to begin a happy/thankful list, but it's the truth.

The Canadians Made Me Do It

I think a gratitude list is called for in honor of Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend.

I wish American Thanksgiving was in October too, because it's just too close to Christmas.

No one's gonna listen to me though, are they?

The Year of Surgeries Continues

I made mention on Facebook on Thursday that my husband was having another surgery, so I thought I should explain.

It was sort of sudden. I mean, we knew it was a possibility that the latest dialysis fistula "hook-up" (the 3rd) in Mark's left arm was diverting too much blood away from his hand. But we were for sure holding out hope that it wasn't.

After all the previous surgeries he's had this year (they now know and remember us on the 3rd floor of the hospital), Mark's vascular surgeon decided the fistula had to go. It was indeed stealing blood from his hand. He was in a great deal of pain from the lack of blood, and he has a couple of sores on his pinky finger that may not have healed because of it.

3 Things I've Been Thinking About

Personal bloggers....we think people wanna know what's on our minds. I mean, that's why you're here, right?

One thing has been on my mind for over a week. One has been on my heart since the 11th. And the other just became a thing to chew on yesterday.

First, I experienced what Oprah would call (did she make it up or did she hear it somewhere...?) a "full circle moment" when I sent my kids to visit my mom in Lake Tahoe, just like I used to do three times a year, before moving to live with her, when I was a kid.

When Stress Gives Way to Relief

From February through July, for six months straight, life was one unending, head-spinning roller coaster.

• Down: Mark's dialysis access clotted off and he had surgery to repair it.
• Down: We got news that we were about to lose a chunk of our monthly income.
• Up: I got to go on a cruise with my BFF to celebrate our birthdays, entirely her treat.
• Up: Mark's dad visited him and the kids while I was away.
• Down: Mark went to the ER for abdominal pain, fearing it was his appendix (it wasn't).
• Up: Mark's mom and niece came for a visit. Thought mom might be moving up here.
• Down: While MIL was here, Mark had to go to the ER twice because his new access was infected.
• Down: Mark spent five days in the hospital for a new access surgery and infection treatment.
• Down: While in hospital, doctors discovered sore on Mark's left big toe that looked pretty bad.
• Up: Celebrated my 40th birthday a couple more times.
• Down: Second access surgery yielded a weaker fistula which wasn't providing for adequate dialysis.
• Down: AJ, Mark and I all got a nasty virus.
• Up: Mark had an angiogram of his iliac artery, it was cleaned out and a stent was placed, allowing for better blood flow to his left leg.
• Down: I had to go on antibiotics for a sinus infection.
• Down: Initially seemed like the toe might get better, but it turned out to be too far gone and would need to be amputated.
• Up: We finally received some money owed to us from two years ago that helped us greatly with Mark's leave of absence.
• Up/Down: Mark had both his fistula reworked to be stronger and his toe amputated on the same day.
• Down: He couldn't walk at all for at least a full month, meaning no working and needing lots of help, including me going to dialysis with him.
• Up: Celebrated Camryn's 14th birthday.
• Down: I had to take a second round of antibiotics for the sinus infection (say it with me class, stress much?)

No Longer a Candidate for Kidney Transplant

I just opened a letter from the University of Washington Medical Center dated March 5, 2014.

I hadn't bothered to open it when it first arrived because I already knew what it contained. Mark's nephrologist had called us into his office to tell us what the UW transplant surgeons decided:

"Your risk of transplant surgery and immunosuppression outweigh the benefit due to multiple medical co-morbidities including coronary artery disease and vascular disease."

"We understand that this is a difficult time for you, but transplant is not the optimal treatment for all patients with kidney failure. Due to your high risk for complications, the physicians feel you will do better on dialysis. Our transplant team supports the best treatment plan for you as an individual."

My Kids Step Up When I Need Them To

What makes your kid extraordinary isn’t just the epic stuff, like getting good grades, shooting a goal or winning an award. It’s the little things too. The small moments that maybe only you see — and quietly celebrate every day.

My kids have been doing something over the last several months that has been, and is, a very big deal to me.