July 20, 2015

An Awful, Negative and Ranty Post

I'm afraid to write this and share it because of how I might be judged.

But I think I'm at a point where I don't care what anyone thinks about how I'm feeling. I don't think there's anything wrong with honesty and being real.


It's uncomfortable, sure, and everyone wishes the less-than-happy-and-positive feelings didn't exist.

But they do, dammit.

People feel bad sometimes.

I feel bad sometimes.

And if I don't express it in some way, I will be even more frustrated.

I will feel alone, like no one understands.

Maybe no one will understand. But maybe someone will, and that could make all the difference.

I simply cannot maintain my positive, grateful attitude 100% of the time. I feel other things too.

So here it is: I have been hating my life lately.

The past year and a half has beaten me down quite a bit. So much has changed in my/our world, and it's pretty much all been bad.

As I write this, my husband is in the hospital again, for another infection. He was off antibiotics for LESS than a month (had been on some form or another for nine months). He had no symptoms of infection and was in denial that it could be happening. This development is pretty scary because I think his body can no longer fight off infection AT ALL.

Mark also cannot see well right now because his cornea is dry and scratched.

So, he is an insulin dependent diabetic on dialysis, can't walk well, is losing the feeling and dexterity in his hands, can't see well and can't resist infection. Oh, and his heart is all jacked up.

Mark's body is completely betraying him. It makes him so frustrated, angry and insecure, which creates a lot of problems for both of us.

He is still alive, but I've already lost him. I used to say that I feel this way, but I see now that it just is. It's fact. Mark is not the same man I married. We are no longer on the same page as a couple....

Hell, we aren't even really a couple anymore. There is nothing romantic about our relationship. We still love each other very much, but our life together consists only of his health problems and how we deal with them, friendship and parenting.

He was in the hospital this past Saturday on our 17th wedding anniversary. I didn't even see him because of our stupid community garage sale that I really shouldn't have bothered with.

But that's me these days. I am faking my way through life, trying to be like normal people, normal families who do shit like a summer garage sale even if my husband is in the hospital and it's our fucking anniversary.

I wrote last week about putting on my big girl panties and trying to fake my way through my bestie's birthday GNO, hoping beyond hope I would be able to shed the crap here at home and somehow have a good time even though someone whom I currently have quite an awkward relationship with would also be there. I thought maybe if I just drank enough....

I failed miserably.

I am not cut out for being fake. Which is why I have to say these things.

I fear becoming depressed, I don't really care to get up in the morning; I have been sleeping in very late. What's the point? All I have to look forward to is doing things for my husband, worrying about how he is every moment of the day, and trying to keep my kids entertained during a pretty boring summer for them.

I have such conflicting thoughts and feelings where my husband is concerned. I love him, Deeply. Truly. And if and when he dies, I will be devastated and I will miss him immensely.

But I also sometimes wish this could just be over. Both for him and his having to go through all of the shit he's going through, and for me, so I can see what the rest of my life is going to look like.

It is so very, very hard to watch someone you love suffer so much. I've been feeling lately like it's just too much. WHY the fuck does he have to go through all of this? What is the fucking point?

It's all changing us. Hurting us. It HURTS. On so many levels.

Back in January I chose the word Resolve to guide me through this year because I knew. I knew I would need to steel myself and stay strong.

For the last several weeks,though, it's been more difficult. I've been sad more than happy. I'm struggling to separate Mark's shit from my own, therefor I hold a lot of his and it weighs me down.

And the GUILT!

I'm worried I'm going to become an angry and bitter person. I don't want that to happen to me.

But I feel jealousy. I feel envy of other people's marriages, of their sex lives, their vacations and normal, happy things they get to do. I don't have much patience for people's typical, everyday complaints. It's not nice.

I feel like a shitty person who is constantly making mistakes. Whether with my husband, kids, family or friends. I feel like I'm not doing anything right and can't make anyone happy, least of all myself.

Besides maybe counseling again, I am at a loss as to how to make any of this better. Do I keep up the "fake it til you make it" mode I'm in?

I don't think I have the luxury of anything else....

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