August 13, 2015

I Don't Want to Talk About It

I've been having a problem lately.

I can't seem to -- or don't want to -- talk about things.

Or, for the purposes of my blog, write about them.

I am referring to my thoughts, feelings, struggles, resolutions, and etcetera regarding my husband's health problems and being his primary caregiver.

It's my biggest issue in life and I don't really want to talk about it.

I don't know if anyone has noticed.

The last couple of posts I've written that have to do with chronic illness and caregiving aren't entirely clear. Even my awful, negative, ranty post -- as honest as it was -- still skirted around some things.

A couple of my friends try asking me pointed questions about a specific issue, yet all I do is give generalized answers.

I don't seem to know what to say anymore.

I think it's all been said. Ad nauseam.

It's hard but manageable. It sucks, but we do have good days. He's not getting any better, but he's not dead yet either.

We love each other, but things have changed. We take life one day at a time. He's in counseling and I'm trying to take care of myself too.

We still have our kids, of course, and there are a few parenting issues here and there, but for the most part they're a lot easier than the damn chronic illnesses.

I don't know what else to say.

The thing is, the feelings associated with it all are so deep that digging down into the abyss of emotions is, well, painful. Literally. When I try to come up with more than pithy answers or explanations, it starts to hurt. Not only that, but I don't know how far down the well goes, and that feels a tad overwhelming.

Also, I'm pretty sure everyone is weary of hearing about it. Oh, the weariness.

We're just here, living day to day, trying to enjoy ourselves as much as possible. Trying not to hate the circumstances.

Ooh, I got it!

You know what it is? I'm in a whatever place.

It's just my/our life. I'm kind of over it. And, actually, it sure would be nice if our lives could not completely revolve around Mark's health problems.

Does this mean I'm in a place of acceptance, maybe that we've achieved our new normal?

Or does it sound more like I'm being cynical?

Someone, please tell me what I'm thinking, 'cause I sure as hell don't seem to know!

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