September 26, 2017

This Shit is Real

"How are you?"

"I'm good", "I'm fine" or "I'm OK" are the standard answers, whether true or not.

I say them all the time. Partly because there are things I feel like I shouldn't -- or don't want to -- admit.

You know, things that could make me look vulnerable or weak.

Because I pride myself on being a strong person. I've earned it.

But you know what? I still have feelings. And sometimes my feelings get hurt, or weird and hard to understand.

I'm not lying when I say I'm fine because I really am OK. I could complain about this or that, but eh.

There's more to it, though. For you too, I'm sure. Stuff there isn't enough time or the right opportunity to say or explain.

Reminds me why I have a blog. Ahem.

To elaborate:

I'm in a new and strange place in my life, which I guess is actually a running theme.... I (currently) feel overwhelmed, alone and a little sad. At the same time, not alone and hopeful for the future.

The little bit of sadness is just there, at least for a while still. Or forever. It doesn't really matter. How can one ever not feel sad over those they've loved and lost?

I feel overwhelmed by being an only parent to three kids. It stresses me out quite a bit, actually. Every parent wants to do right by their kids, but I think a widowed parent feels that even more keenly because their kids have also suffered a loss and because there is no co-parent.

I am now also a foster parent to a girl who was abused, who has never had truly capable, unconditionally loving parents.

Why did I take that on? Oh, I've asked myself that! And been asked.

Of all the bad, hard, stressful, unfortunate things that have ever happened to me, making Abi a part of our family is not one of them. Even if it overwhelms me at times, her presence in our home is a good thing. A happy thing.

Then there is dating, a very new and foreign concept for me and, not surprisingly, my feelings about it are all over the place. Because I met Mark when I was only 20, I have never been a single, dating person. I met boys in school or through mutual friends, Mark included.

Ironically, dating new men makes me miss him more (hence feeling alone), which is confusing, to say the least. Mark wasn't perfect, of course, but he knew me and loved me and did the best he could to show me every day. He really did. Interactions with crude, crass or disrespectful and dismissive men remind me of what a great husband I had.

The fact that I lost that hurts.

On the other hand, because I've had a great man and a good marriage, I know it's possible. So I've found that I want to be loved again and some days I feel a little impatient for it, which surprises me because I didn't think I'd feel that way for some time, if ever. I guess I'm a hopeless romantic in spite of everything I've been through.

I want to love again, but I also want to be careful. I don't want to settle.

And....I want to have FUN! Seriously, FFS! (Sorry, I just had to say that.) There has not been enough fun in my life. Just sayin'.

I ultimately want to find a real love again. But for now, my approach to dating is to be open to each situation (that I'm comfortable with and interested in) as it comes, be patient with the process, have fun, try not to hurt anyone (including myself) and learn some things, about both me and others.

By the way, I will probably not share more than generalities on my dating experiences here because, well, my parents (and potentially my kids) read this. But if anyone would like to ask about the deets, feel free to email, PM, DM, or whatever, me and we'll dish! 'Cause it is kind of interesting...

Seriously. So funny!

So yeah, there's a real answer to the question of how I am. More than just OK, good or fine, which has been all I say so often nowadays.

This is me trying to open back up after losing my writing mojo for well over a year. Hoping I get it back!

How are YOU?

No comments:

Post a Comment