One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.

An Interview with a Ten Year Old

Here is the third installment of my yearly tradition to "interview" my kids.

Since my daughter's birthday is in the summer, I wait for her new school year pictures and share her answers in the fall. AJ's birthday is in January when I already have his school portrait, so I try to share his right afterward.

This year he is TEN! I happen to think 10 is a little special because you've made it to the double digits.

An Interview with a Fifteen Year Old

Three years ago I started an annual tradition of having my kids answer the same 20 questions in order to watch how they change.

My daughter Camryn is 15 years old this year and a sophomore in high school. She has changed SO MUCH over the last year. Basically, she became a full-on stereotypical teenage girl, with an attitude to match.

Ahem.

She knows all the things, doesn't need not one single adult for anything, is sarcastic about everything, and would probably like to have a pair of earbuds surgically implanted into her ears.

I Am Poem

Hey you guys! This? This right here that you're reading? It's my 1000th post!!

What in the world should I write for my 1000th post??

Well....

A couple or three years ago many bloggers I read were writing "I Am" poems. I didn't at that time, but saved the template for it in my favorites, hoping I would one day set to writing one of my own.

This appears to be as good a time as any.

An Interview With a Nine Year Old

This is the second year of a new tradition to ask my kids the same questions shortly after their birthdays to chronicle how their answers change over the years.

I shared Camryn's in the fall, after we got her school pictures back....

I completely forgot about AJ's school picture day, so I will use a photo my friend took, that I haven't shared anywhere else yet:

This Time Last Year

October of 2013 saw some changes around this lil blog, and I thought I'd like to take a look back. Won't you join me?

The biggest thing is that I changed the name of my blog from "Just Jennifer" to "Dancing in the Rain". I have been so very happy with that decision! It just so much better represents me and what I'm doing here than a name that millions of other women share.

The Ninth Day of 9th Grade

I'm a late with this.

But ya know, husband in the hospital and all that....

Also though, the teenager leaves for school at 6:15 in the morning.

Ain't nobody in the mood for picture taking at that hour!

So I give you....

On the 11th day. Whatever.

Years of Friendship

26 years of friendship.

Well, to be completely honest, there was one year that we didn't speak (because of a stupid boy), so maybe we can only claim 25 years of friendship.

But not just 25. Technically, we met in 7th grade (1986), but remained mostly acquantances until 9th grade (1988).

Regardless, I've known her for more than half my life. She is the closest thing I have to a sister.

My best friend shares my name, where we graduated high school, divorced and remarried parents, sticky family dynamics, weddings, babies, long distances and now even blogging.

She calls me Jenni and I now refer to her as JHo. "Jenni" is left over from high school when I let everyone call me that, and "JHo" (since she married Joe) is a play on JLo. Also extra funny because "Ho".

The BANGS!

Over the years we have danced at prom and each other's weddings. JHo is partially responsible for Mark and I finally getting engaged (nudge, nudge) and she was instrumental in planning my wedding. We are both mothers to one girl and one boy. She is Godmother to both my kids, and I am an honorary Godmom to her son. She is ten times better at the Godmother thing than I am. She is "Auntie Jen" to my kids.

JHo says some of her favorite memories include:

• Number one would have to be the notes we passed daily! I guess I can think about the days since high school…
• Or maybe the day you called me to tell me you had just given birth to a baby girl : “I am woman – hear me roar!”
• Hearing your giggle as I toasted your marriage at your wedding (a la Princess Bride).
• Oh! Your bridal shower!

I too loved our note passing, especially because JHo drew these awesome little comic strips illustrating what we were dishing about at the bottom. I absolutely LOVED her "wild, wild west" themed wedding and was beyond honored to be her MOH and Camryn a flower girl.

She HANDMADE all the dresses!

My most recent favorite memory was when we hooked up while I was visiting my mom in Lake Tahoe. Loved that our kids got to play together!

Most of our relationship has been a long-distance one, so we do each have our local besties too, but she has proven to be one of the Constants in my life. Distance be damned!

__________

This year, as we both turn 40, we are looking forward to commemorating this milestone together on a little cruise between LA and Ensenada in early March. I've never ever been on a cruise before, so I'm so EXCITED!

(Maybe you've noticed the PayPal "Donate" button I put up there in my sidebar? You know, just on the off-chance someone would like to help me finance a massage, mani-pedi or a drunken stuper on the ship....)

It's going to be wonderful. We will get to warm up from winter, see the beautiful Pacific ocean, be gluttonous, talk and play and just be us girls TOGETHER. I almost don't even know what to do with myself.

This is so huge because for years I hesitated in traveling away from Mark for fear that something bad might happen with his health without me here. Little by little -- crisis by crisis -- I have been learning to let go of that. Taking this trip with JHo is part of my year of living Bravely. I knew I wanted to do this years ago, but I wasn't sure if it would really happen. At least if I would actually leave home;  maybe she would just come see me here.

I am nervous, still. I will probably have to battle my anxiety a few times as the date approaches. JHo will need to be armed with plenty of reassurances that everything will be OK and I CAN let myself have this. let myself RELAX.

But I know it's going to be great! And I love her so much for gently pushing the issue.

Now, just get me to March 5th.....

Tween to Teen

My daughter Camryn will turn 13 in a month.

Yeah, I know.

THIRTEEN.

She was halfway through her childhood at 9. Now she is just 5 short years away from legal adulthood.

FIVE.

I'm not sure we're ready for this.

I remember at the younger ages from about four to seven or so.....this push and pull thing going on. Like, I'm getting big, but still little enough to need my mommy a lot.

They call it autonomy.

This age involves a lot of push and pull too.

It's always about a month before Camryn's birthday that I start noticing changes in her. It's like her biological clock is perfectly timed to her birth date. She will suddenly acquire a new skill or a fresh new understanding of something. She will gain a new perspective or form a new opinion. Something will click that hadn't before.

I remember one year it was being able to cook eggs all by herself. Another year it was switching from a kiddie party to a big girl slumber party.

Now? Now it's the beginning of parental embarrassment. The beginning of sarcastic sassyness that knows-no-boundaries-but-she-better-damn-well-learn-them.

One day last week we went to Red Robin for dinner and my little girl who really doesn't want me to call her Cami anymore refused the kid's menu.

Push.

A few days later we headed to Payless for some new sandals for summer. Camryn spent the majority of the time we were there trying on fancy high heels we would never let her buy nor wear. Her dad was beside himself, leaning over to me and whispering, "I'm really not OK with this."

We sized her foot, discovering she and I are currently the same size. I thought this could be rather convenient because we could share shoes.

But my darling daughter wants nothing to do with sharing shoes with her mother.

Push.

Turns out her feet are skinnier than mine so she can squeeze her little tootsies into shoes I cannot. Whatever. She still has feet way too big for a 12 year old, so there!

But her big feet make me think back to when I was pregnant with her and the day I had my 20(ish) week ultrasound. We got a picture of her foot, which the tech commented on being big. When she was born, a friend of ours called her feet skis.

There are a couple of things leftover from littlegirlhood. Cami still calls us Mommy and Daddy. Since I know every other kid her age (and younger) is using the shorter Mom and Dad, I find myself asking her when she might make the switch. She seems to be unconcerned with it.

Pull.

Cami still likes to be tucked into bed at night. She is utterly offended by the idea that she could just go up to bed on her own.

Pull.

On the other hand, Camryn is asking me about the possibility of riding her bike places. Like outside of our neighborhood and by herself.

(I was doing that much younger than her, but we all know how parenting and childhood have changed.)

Push.

I'll take this push and pull right now, even though it might give me a little whiplash.

I will cherish the moments I hear, "Mommy, I need to talk to you about something." And when she sits right up next to me on the couch. Or when she looks back at me as she's walking up to the fast food counter to get more ranch for her fries....

I will keep encouraging her to stick with Girl Scouts for as long as absolutely possible.

Because I know it's all going to change. I know my daughter; maybe it will be slowly. But the saying goes, "slowly but.....surely".

Also connected with Memories Captured and Pour Your Heart Out.

2011: Year in Review

Of course the last Monday of the year our Listicle task is 10 Things 2011.

I mean, obviously.

My 2010 Year in Review was a no-brainer.  There were two very distict (distinctly different) events to point to last year.

The events of 2011 were a bit more gradual and not necessarily obvious, except to me.

1. I experienced a serious PITA first thing last January that really pissed me off and made me all emotional and stuff.  Specifically, this PITA was a problem with the squishy stuff (yes that's a technical medical term) in between 2 of my lower lumbar that was very painful and stayed that way for awhile.

2. I went through a lot of personal growth and learning last winter and spring.  I was a bit of a drama queen. I had a DUH moment.  I ruminated on romance (or the lack thereof).  Didn't blog at all for a few weeks.  Got more adventurous with my knitting.  Six months post-bypass came and I realized I was learning how to turn my "wounds into wisdom".

3.  I began a series of posts highlighting Random Acts of Kindness.

4. I turned 37 in April and starting shedding expectations, to be truly grateful for whatever gifts come my way.  Little or big or whatever.  To simply celebrate life.

5. I wrote a post about my boobs and then said a prayer.

6. June brought 3 milestones for my kids.  AJ graduated from Pre-K, Camryn bridged from Junior to Cadette Girl Scout and then she graduated from 5th grade.  I was a proud mom, while asking myself what is going on here??  July also brought Cami's 11th birthday and our 13th wedding anniversary.

7. Over the summer I dove head-first into blogging more.  I discovered memes, writing prompts and Twitter.  I made new friends and learned so much!

8.  The kids and I got to spend a week with family and friends in Lake Tahoe in August.  I didn't know how happy I would be to go back until I did.

9. The 1 year anniversary of Mark's bypass and the "night from hell" came and I proclaimed that it had been the worst night of my life, to date.  But also that I came "away from nearly realizing my biggest fear with a fuller heart and with so much gratitude, I can't even fully express it."

10. My family experienced the sudden loss of my uncle on October 22.  I made it through November NaBloPoMo complaining that I didn't win a prize only to turn around and win THREE prizes elsewhere (I am now thinking the Universe heard everyone's outrage at my prize-less NaBloPoMo).  Lastly, we've been dealing with a medical hiccup with Mark and then had Christmas!

(If you'd like my year in more of a nutshell, you should really read my guest post at finallyMom.)

I think 2011 was a pretty full year.  Ups and downs and twists and turns.  But isn't that how every year is?    It wasn't exceptional, nor did it suck, and that's totally fine with me.  Now I am looking forward to 2012 armed with all that I've learned this year!

Back in the Day

Being a kid today is so much different than it was when I was a kid!

I was born in 1974.  I grew up in the 80s, graduating high school in 1992.

Oh the 80's!  But that's an entirely other subject....

What I'm talking about today are things I wish my kids could do nowadays that I did when I was a kid.

I'd like to say that I wish they didn't have to sit in car seats or wear bike helmets, because I manged to survive without them, but honestly, those things keep kids safe and that's a good thing.

However....

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1. I drank whole milk.  Today, pediatricians tell us to stop that by the time our kids are 2, to switch to 2% or even 1% or - gag - fat free.  I think "fat free milk" is an oxymoron.  Nevermind the fact that I no longer like the taste of milk.  That's not the point.  I'm talking about my kids!

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2.  I climbed trees.  I can't for the life of me find a decent climbing tree anywhere!  My cousins had a great one right in their backyard and we climbed it every chance we got.

3.  We had lots of family get-togethers.  It seems like having parties with kids now can only be for a kid's birthday party.  We don't get together, just families, and have fun together much.  The adults in my life felt fine with having their fun right along side us kids having our fun.  Seems like everyone wants more separation nowadays.

4.  I could run around town.  Even though there really isn't any more danger to kids these days than there was years ago, we are now afraid to let our kids out of our sight.  I guess this is because of the media?  I don't know, but we are so worried they will be kidnapped or worse.

5.  I could stay out until the street lights came on.  My parents knew about where I'd be, but not always specifically.  I had more freedom than my kids do.

6.  I could go to the bus stop by myself even in Kindergarten.  I have to be at the bus stop with AJ when he gets on in the morning, and the driver won't let him off after school if I'm not standing right there.

7.  I ate Twinkies.  I don't think I've ever given one of my children a Twinkie.  I wasn't even sure if they still existed until I found this picture!

8.  I was a latch-key kid.  I had my own house key and was at home alone after school all the time.  Even as early as age 7.  No parent does that now.  But I was fine.  No boogieman ever got me and I never burned the house down.

9.  I hardly ever needed help with my homework.  Why do my kids always need help?  Well actually, just Camryn since AJ hasn't had any homework yet.  Is it just that she's got ADD?  Is it actually harder?  I think some things are harder, but some stuff isn't being taught anymore at all.

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10.  MTV was brand new and pretty much only videos.  I'm not an old fuddy-duddy who doesn't like new music.  On the contrary, I like a lot of what comes out.  But I won't watch MTV anymore because it's hardly about music.  And I don't really want my kids watching it because they're just going to see a whole bunch of crap.

What would you add to the list?

My Babies Aren't Babies Anymore

Of course I knew this day would come. But knowing something is coming doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My kids growing up is in no way as hard as, say, a death, but there is a sense of loss involved. It is a change, and every change needs to be processed.

My daughter was a slow talker, but oh how I loved the way she would pronounce things. Flower was “fwow-wow” and hot dog was “ga-gog”. I never want to forget things like that!

My son is was a thumb-sucker and hair player-with-er. It has been really special to have my little boy sit in my lap sucking his thumb and playing with my hair, so happy and content. But he is earnestly trying to kick this habit because he’s a big kid now. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t missing it just a little.

My beautiful daughter Camryn is now 11 years old and heading into middle school in a month. She is a full-on Tween, at the stage of childhood where she is a goofy little girl one moment and then a young lady the next. She has ADD so she is slightly less mature than most of her peers, but she is still well on her way. She just became a Girl Scout Cadette and is currently attending her 2^nd year at horse camp. She got her love of horses from my mother. Apparently it skips a generation!

I have a confession. I find myself staring at Cami’s body quite a bit, waiting for any sign of puberty. I want to be prepared the moment she needs a real bra (she sometimes wears little training bras) and hope to God I have a good reaction when she starts her period! I don’t want to be overly excited or giddy which might be embarrassing. Nor do I want to let out a heavy sigh because I know just how much fun periods are.

My adorable son AJ is 5 ½ and starting Kindergarten in September. He attended a year and a half of preschool, complete with riding the bus, so I’m not real weepy about him starting K (although I do know he will begin reading this year and that‘s a big deal). No, it’s more the other things he’s doing now that get me. That he’s already started losing his baby teeth, that he learned how to ride a 2-wheeler in about 5 minutes and suddenly he can reach the kitchen faucet. Oh, don’t let me forget that he’s now spent a couple nights away from us this summer!

Seriously, just how many milestones, regardless of how small, need to happen to a mommy all at once?

Every time I turn around lately my kids get or do something new. They simply aren’t little anymore and that’s crazy. And it’s not only about accepting where my kids are at now, but also what that means in relation to ME as their mom. I have now been a mother for 11 years. I’ve got some real experience under my belt. I find I’m able to share my “motherly wisdom” with others from time to time.

Actually, that last part is funny. On one had I feel like I have some wisdom, but on the other hand one of the things I’m wise to is that I don’t have all the answers. I thought I did before I ever had children. But now, nope.

What I know right now is my children, my beautiful babies, are becoming actual young PEOPLE. Time is marching on….and on and on. And in the immortal words of Steven Tyler, I don’t wanna miss a thing.

Junior to Cadette

Today was milestone #2 of this month.

My daughter Camryn has completed her 2 years of Junior level Girl Scouts and at a "bridging" ceremony today she "climbed up" to Cadette Girl Scout!  I believe she will be a Cadette through her middle school years (3).

In her green Junior vest

She is so pretty!

Changing from her green Junior vest to a khaki Cadette vest

Crossed over the bridge!

After Bridging with her friend Raven who also bridged from Daisy to Brownie!

"We must accept the fact that transport and communications will bring the world in close relations and the youth of the world should have standards and ideals in common."
~ Juliette G. Low, Girl Scouts founder

The Preschool Graduate!

In reading some other "Mombloggers" (Scary Mommy, My Suitcase Full of Tricks) there seems to be this general consensus that the idea of a preschool graduation, at first, sounds a little absurd. But then you get there and you're all, "That's my baby! Go baby!" And you're happy and proud and taking photos just like all the other crazy parents. Darn kids.

The reason I think even something that seems small in the grand scheme of things IS important, is because it's about celebrating accomplishments.  It's about celebrating LIFE.  And by holding a little graduation ceremony for preschoolers, we're showing them this.  That milestones matter, that they matter, that we love them and we're proud of them.  It's never too early to show our kids those things!

For me, AJ is my last child, therefor this was my last preschool graduation.  At least until perhaps he or his sister have children and they graduate preschool.  My little boy is a Kindergartner already!  Why did his first 5 years go by so much faster than Cami's?  I swear the love and pride I feel for my kids could fill the universe!  On a good day that is.... LOL

And now for your viewing pleasure I present a pictorial of AJ's Pre-K year:

First day of school

A masterpiece

Snow day!

5th Birthday

AJ & Julius - LOVE!

Valentine's Day

Stylin' & Profilin'

That's my boy!