May 12, 2017

One Year Since My Husband Died

The first anniversary of my husband's death has arrived.

You knew there would have to be a post, right?

A year is a funny thing. Funny strange, not funny haha. It doesn't seem like time is flying by every day, but one always does that oh gosh, a whole year already? thing when looking back on it.

As with every other "first" over this last year, I've had no idea what I would feel as each one came up. I've never done this before, the grieving process. Not really. While other people I've known have died, no one I loved as much as Mark has. Not only that, but I'm aware that people have such varying experiences with grief; it's not one-size-fits-all.

When his birthday came, that was hard. Thanksgiving was difficult too, but not so much Christmas. The new year was fine, Good even. I think because it generally makes one feel refreshed and ready to start anew. In fact, I felt my least "griefy", as I like to say, in January and February (even if Valentine's Day did make me feel a little angsty).

I made myself griefy for a bit in March after seeing a movie. So much so that I thought my period might go AWOL again (I didn't have it for three months straight in the Fall). Easter? No, it was my birthday, and it was good.

Now? I must admit, I have been increasingly anxious since May arrived. Because it's like OK, here we are....what is THIS gonna feel like? Will I sail through, or will it mess me up?

I actually started thinking about what the heck to do for the first anniversary more than a month ago. How should I handle it? Should we DO anything in particular? Should I let the kids skip school? Would anybody else feel the need to recognize the day? Should I ask around? Did I need to think about others at all? Is it terribly selfish if I don't wanna?

This week has been interesting. Monday was the 8th, which was Mother's Day last year, which was the last "special" day before Mark died. The night of the 10th was when his heart stopped and he went to the hospital. All day Wednesday I had these moments that felt like little punches to the gut when I remembered, like I was reliving it.

Yesterday, the 11th, I was doing the exact same things I did a year ago on the 11th, household chores. Mark was in the hospital on life support, and I was doing dishes. Routine is comforting, you know? As I was standing at the sink this year, dishwasher open and hot water running, I felt a bit of a cool draft, which totally could have been nothing, but it really didn't feel like nothing. Right after I felt that coolness, a string of several songs streamed through my Echo that I could too easily place "Mark significance" on: "Magic Man" by Heart, "Faithfully" by Journey, "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper, "We Belong" by Pat Benetar, and "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan.

As I write this, I feel nostalgic and a little melancholy, but also OK. Losing Mark has been a mixed bag of sadness and relief. That's what I felt a year ago, and I still feel that today. I will always be grateful that his struggle ended. But I will also always be sad that it meant losing him.

There's no one to hold me when I cry. If only I could just rest my head on his chest....

So. The kids are skipping school today and we are going to be spending the weekend with Mark's mom and sister. Seemed exactly the thing to do since Sunday is Mother's Day.

We might make a banana cream pie, Mark's favorite dessert. I'm sure we'll watch the memorial video my aunt made. I really don't have any expectations of how I and we will feel, or that any ideas of what to do are set in stone. I've gotten very good at simply taking things as they come.

No comments:

Post a Comment