Falling in Love Again

A very surprising thing happened to me three months ago; I fell in love again.

I know, right!?

I say "again" because it is comparable to what I had with my late husband. If it wasn't, I wouldn't say again. Because the time, love and commitment that Mark and I shared set the bar high for me.

It's surprising because, although I was actively dating, I wasn't meeting men who were love and relationship material. Also, I sincerely didn't expect to find what many widows call their "chapter two".

But I think I have.

One Word for 2014

I do not believe you should choose your one word for the year. I believe it should choose you.

2013 was the first year I had a word. I started out the year thinking I wouldn't. Couldn't think of one. Until one day, it just hit me.

My word chose itself. It was Hope, by the way, and it was terrifically apropos after the awful arrhythmia scare we had with Mark in March of 2012.

For this year, I knew my word before January 1 came.

BRAVE.

It too hit me out of nowhere. Right upside my head.

I think a few things made Brave the most logical word choice for 2014:

• I have felt, and continue to feel, so much fear in my life. It's exhausting, disheartening and a real struggle. I want to be able to face whatever happens and just know I can deal with it without so much fear getting in the way.
• Doing things outside my normal comfort zone. Stepping out of my box. I will be doing one this month, and I'm so very excited about it (but I can't tell you because it's a surprise)!
• I turn 40 this year and I want to meet that milestone with pride rather than trepidation or complaints about getting older. I mean, I have a sense of humor, so there will be jokes about how old I am, but you know what I mean.
• Just being confident in who I am, that I can meet challenges head on, even my worst fear, bravely.

To clarify, I don't mean being stoic or a martyr. Although,  I must admit, I do do that sometimes often quite a bit. I'm working on that.

To me, being Brave means:

• Having a backbone. Sticking up for yourself and those you love, and the things that matter to you.
• Asking for help when you need it, and receiving it graciously.
• Be willing to try new things, even if it scares you.
• Facing each day with hope and gratitude in your heart.
• Trusting your instincts, your gut.
• Owning who you are, wherever you're at as you walk your path.
• And like Sara Bareilles sings, "Say what you wanna say."

That last point relates directly to blogging, for sure, but also in general. Let me clarify, though, that while I believe in saying what you need to say, I also believe in temperance with your words. I have learned that we also have to discern what DOESN'T need to be said. That can be Brave too.

Now, just to make a Brave point, I recorded myself singing along to "Brave". Disclaimer: I am not a singer and don't claim to be. I missed some of the words and I'm pitchy. But whatever. Here's me doing something I've NEVER done before:

Oh Em Gee.

Well, here's to living Bravely this year!

Do you have a word you're living by in 2014?

If you blogged about it, feel free to leave me a link in the comments!

One Word for 2013

So everyone not living under a rock knows about this idea of choosing a word that you want your year to be based on, right?

I've seen BALANCE, CHANGE, ACCEPTANCE, COURAGE or SIMPLIFY tossed around.

These are all lovely words, for sure, but none were inspiring me. The theme word of my life is balance. I'm becoming a pro at acceptance and change. Courage? Pfft! And well, besides the complications of having a husband with health problems, my life is as simple as it can be without being utterly boring.

I didn't think I could choose a word, so I basically dismissed the whole thing. But the idea kept needling at the back of my mind....

Word cloud based on my blog tags

Until one day, about a week into 2013, it hit me.

My word for this year should be HOPE.

Because I felt myself starting to lose it in 2012. It does not appear up there in that word cloud.

Many things/reasons/influences were all telling me there's no hope. Why bother? Get your head out of the clouds.

And I listened. I have been letting my sense of hope (can I call it a sense?) dissipate.

Last March......was just about the worst month on record. It was a big trauma and it has scarred us. (I still have more to write about it.)

Fear, anxiety and worry took over.

I began to think about my husband dying EVERY DAY of my life. He was afraid to go to sleep at night for fear he might not wake in the morning.

We are damaged.

Not only do our personal struggles lend to hopelessness, but so does the outside world.

Terrifying natural disasters, mass shootings, ignorance, intolerance, asshole politicians, gossip, loss of a friendship, your kid getting an F....

It really wouldn't be hard to lose all hope.

When my husband, my rock, the most positive person I've ever known, tells me he is losing hope? Well, I may have become an emotional wreck.

Here is where I put my foot down and say NO MORE. I will not let the whole world steal my hope, dammit!

I am determined to remain HOPEFUL. To not become bitter or resentful.

That's not to say I won't still practice a little snark and sarcasm.

But I will know, at the heart of whatever I'm feeling in the moment, that HOPE is in there too. For it simply must continue to dwell within me. Even if only a little.

And perhaps declaring HOPE to be my word for 2013 will cause it to swell and fill me up. And then maybe, just maybe, I won't doubt its presence again.


Linked with Just Be Enough, and submitted to Yeah Write #94.