It's All Topsy-Turvy

Do I want to write right now?

I do and I don't.

There are all these things I'd like to say, but I feel like it's not going to make sense.

Each and every blog post should be well thought out and have a point, right?

It's just that, everything is all topsy-turvy in my life at the moment.

June 24th was the day things changed. The day my husband had his left big toe amputated and is forced to use a wheelchair for many weeks.

Why didn't I think it would cause such big changes? God, I can be so shortsighted!

To be fair, the surgeon did not explicitly say Mark would not be allowed to walk on his foot AT ALL before the surgery. We did not discuss his mobility beforehand.

I had no idea it would mean that I would have to go to dialysis with him every time because no one in the clinic is allowed to come out to the parking lot to help him and he can't get out of his vehicle, get his chair and get inside on his own. And I cannot drive myself home, so I must stay with him for 4 hours.

I'm such a schmuck for complaining. At least I know this will be temporary. Mark will still have to go to dialysis once his foot is healed.

He can drive, because it's his left foot, not his right -- yay!

But again, someone has to go with him, or be at the destination to help him. And let's not forget that we live in a two story house. This has created a lot of extra work for me and the kids. Mostly me.

Heh, I thought I was a caregiver to my husband before this?

I haven't had a real conversation with anyone in two weeks and I'm not getting out for as many walks as I used to. I'm sensitive because I want to do everything right for Mark. He's sensitive because he's so needy and, well, it kind of sucks to have a part of your body lobbed off. We're on edge because change is hard, so it's way too easy to end up in a squabble, which is the very last thing we want to be using our energy for.

I wanted to call my friend today, but then a couple of issues arose and it overwhelmed me and then I didn't want to talk to anybody.

Deep breath. It's gonna be OK. It might be kind of rough right now, but it will be OK eventually. We'll weather this storm just like all the others. We can do this. We always do.

And maybe I should cut myself a little slack, hu?