February 17, 2014

Because of Chronic Illness

Warning: This is not going to be a happy blog post. But it is a necessary one. Because no matter whatever else I blog about, this is always in the background.

Lately it is in the forefront.

Now that we're past the middle of the month I feel I can safely say February 2014 will probably go down in history as one of the cruddiest and most stressful for Mark and I.

Technically, I suppose everything is really happening to Mark. Seems like everything that isn't a major medical crisis is afflicting him. But see, when you're married, the things that happen to your spouse, happen to you too.

Normally I feel like Mark is being a little dramatic when his attitude turns to thinking the world is out to get him or it seems like nothing will go right for him.

But this month? He has every right to feel that way.

The 3rd, 5th, 6th, 12th, 13th, 14th, and at least the morning of the 17th have all been shit days around here, plus dealing with all the shit the rest of the days.

We have both been worried, stressed, on edge, touchy, frustrated and snappy, but trying oh so hard not to be.

Valentine's Day was probably the worst day of all. Mark was in a great deal of pain from his fistula surgery, we were trying to figure out how to get some car repairs done and then we had to take a trip to the ER because we were worried about enough blood flow getting to Mark's hand.

We argued and I cried. My poor dad had to deal with my scary female emotions when he took me to get a prescription for Mark, and stupid cat food.

I felt like a schmuck of a mom because we didn't get any sort of Valentine's treats for the kids, had to order them a pizza and leave for the ER. I kept calling them to apologize and say I love you over and over again.

My husband is a very unhappy camper right now and I'm having a hard time holding it all together for us both. I'm trying so hard to be kind, considerate and helpful to him, but sometimes he bites my head off and then I feel defeated.

I tell you this because having a chronic illness and loving someone who has a chronic illness is sometimes really damn hard. And I'm just completely unable to sugar coat it.

I can put on a brave face till the cows come home. Mark can be a super trooper all his life. But sometimes it just plain sucks.

Sometimes it's miserable.

And sometimes you really are justified in feeling like the sky is falling, that nothing will ever go right for you again, that all the love you feel for someone doesn't make a damn bit of difference and you just want to crawl under a rock.

This is not melodrama. This is real.

This is part of who I and we are because of chronic illness.

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