A very surprising thing happened to me three months ago; I fell in love again.
I know, right!?
I say "again" because it is comparable to what I had with my late husband. If it wasn't, I wouldn't say again. Because the time, love and commitment that Mark and I shared set the bar high for me.
It's surprising because, although I was actively dating, I wasn't meeting men who were love and relationship material. Also, I sincerely didn't expect to find what many widows call their "chapter two".
But I think I have.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
January 25, 2018
July 22, 2014
When You're Absolutely 100% Just DONE with a Relationship
I have had a very, shall we say, rocky relationship with the woman who was my step-mother for about 30 years.
She came into my life when I was around five and a half, not long after my parents separated. She moved in with us (my father retained custody of me) and I think things were OK, for a little while at least.
As time went on, she was pretty hard on me, even though I was a very good kid, by all accounts. She expected me to love and appreciate her automatically, pushing her boundaries as my dad's girlfriend (and eventually wife) to the point of trying to take my mother's place. This was a sore spot for her, but it wasn't our only problem. It was certainly no reason to treat me the way she often did.
January 7, 2014
Strings Attached
In the 19 years of my relationship with my husband I have learned that I should not be responsible for the intricacies of managing the connections with my in-laws. They had a relationship with Mark for 25 years before I came along. Why should I step in and make things happen for my husband who is a grown man?
I know many wives do this. And their husbands let them. I did for awhile too. I am really good at remembering dates and I would remind Mark of his parents' birthdays, and make sure he got them at least a card.
But sometime after having children I realized I was a parent now too and didn't need to keep mothering my husband. I had actual babies to worry about.
It's not as if he made sure I remembered my parents' birthdays or thought of gifts to give them for Christmas. Nope, that was all on me.
So I decided that Mark's relationships with his family members were his responsibility.
I had to tell his father too when he got in the habit of emailing me with questions for Mark. I can understand that my father-in-law is hard of hearing and using email is easier for him. I also understand that my husband would rather use the phone, so these opposing preferences present a problem. However, my father-in-law has high quality hearing aids and can pick up the phone and call his son.
Unless Mark is lying in a hospital bed, I don't need to be a middle-man.
Another problem has presented itself in the past few years. Mark's step-mother has called me twice a couple of days after Christmas complaining that we didn't call them on Christmas Day. I think both of the years in which this happened, we had guests for the Holiday and were kind of busy.
See, she feels it is the kid's job to call the parents on Christmas. And she is apparently pretty hard over on this.
I, on the other hand, think it shouldn't matter who calls whom. If you want to talk to me on Christmas, call. If I happen to think of it first, I'll call you. As long as we connect, it shouldn't matter who dialed the digits.
She called me again this year, two days after Christmas. She said, "We've been waiting. You're the kids."
::begin rant::
It is so completely frustrating to be scolded like that. Especially when it's not even my fault! I actually did remind Mark to call his dad. We had guests, we were doing things and he forgot.
I think these expectations are stupid. We are parents now too and busy making Christmas special for our kids. I think YOU should call if it means that much to you! And actually, all that should matter is that we talk sometime AROUND Christmas and the New Year. To check in, to talk about the gifts that were exchanged, whatever.
Why does it have to be FORCED?
It makes me feel like the gifts they send to us have strings attached. In fact, I have tried to get them to NOT give me anything before because of this. I stonewalled when asked what I wanted for Christmas last year. They wouldn't leave me alone until I gave them some clue as to what I might like.
This year, I told them about household items we could use. Nothing personal for myself. I just can't handle the sense of obligation that emanates from them.
When Mark's step-mother called this year, I cordially said I was sorry we hadn't called yet, but at that moment Mark had just gotten home from dialysis and wanted to take a nap before going to work. She said, "Well, it's the kids we really want to talk to." Oh. Well then call the kids!!
::end rant::
Cordiality. Obligation. Strings.
That's all I feel. It doesn't feel good, and I don't know what to do about it, IF there's anything I CAN do about it.
I don't think they have any idea I feel this way. Because of other difficulties in the relationships over the years I am always completely cordial and polite to/with them. I am beyond gun-shy of making waves.
So I sit here and bite my tongue the hardest I've ever had to bite it. I do that for my husband and my children. But it bugs me so much.
(I am 99% sure they don't read my blog, by the way. If they do read it and never say anything to me.....well that's just oogy.)
I know many wives do this. And their husbands let them. I did for awhile too. I am really good at remembering dates and I would remind Mark of his parents' birthdays, and make sure he got them at least a card.
But sometime after having children I realized I was a parent now too and didn't need to keep mothering my husband. I had actual babies to worry about.
It's not as if he made sure I remembered my parents' birthdays or thought of gifts to give them for Christmas. Nope, that was all on me.
So I decided that Mark's relationships with his family members were his responsibility.
I had to tell his father too when he got in the habit of emailing me with questions for Mark. I can understand that my father-in-law is hard of hearing and using email is easier for him. I also understand that my husband would rather use the phone, so these opposing preferences present a problem. However, my father-in-law has high quality hearing aids and can pick up the phone and call his son.
Unless Mark is lying in a hospital bed, I don't need to be a middle-man.
__________
Another problem has presented itself in the past few years. Mark's step-mother has called me twice a couple of days after Christmas complaining that we didn't call them on Christmas Day. I think both of the years in which this happened, we had guests for the Holiday and were kind of busy.
See, she feels it is the kid's job to call the parents on Christmas. And she is apparently pretty hard over on this.
I, on the other hand, think it shouldn't matter who calls whom. If you want to talk to me on Christmas, call. If I happen to think of it first, I'll call you. As long as we connect, it shouldn't matter who dialed the digits.
She called me again this year, two days after Christmas. She said, "We've been waiting. You're the kids."
::begin rant::
It is so completely frustrating to be scolded like that. Especially when it's not even my fault! I actually did remind Mark to call his dad. We had guests, we were doing things and he forgot.
I think these expectations are stupid. We are parents now too and busy making Christmas special for our kids. I think YOU should call if it means that much to you! And actually, all that should matter is that we talk sometime AROUND Christmas and the New Year. To check in, to talk about the gifts that were exchanged, whatever.
Why does it have to be FORCED?
It makes me feel like the gifts they send to us have strings attached. In fact, I have tried to get them to NOT give me anything before because of this. I stonewalled when asked what I wanted for Christmas last year. They wouldn't leave me alone until I gave them some clue as to what I might like.
This year, I told them about household items we could use. Nothing personal for myself. I just can't handle the sense of obligation that emanates from them.
When Mark's step-mother called this year, I cordially said I was sorry we hadn't called yet, but at that moment Mark had just gotten home from dialysis and wanted to take a nap before going to work. She said, "Well, it's the kids we really want to talk to." Oh. Well then call the kids!!
::end rant::
Cordiality. Obligation. Strings.
That's all I feel. It doesn't feel good, and I don't know what to do about it, IF there's anything I CAN do about it.
I don't think they have any idea I feel this way. Because of other difficulties in the relationships over the years I am always completely cordial and polite to/with them. I am beyond gun-shy of making waves.
So I sit here and bite my tongue the hardest I've ever had to bite it. I do that for my husband and my children. But it bugs me so much.
(I am 99% sure they don't read my blog, by the way. If they do read it and never say anything to me.....well that's just oogy.)
November 4, 2013
Disappointment
I never know what to do when someone disappointments me.
I have such faith in people, always giving the benefit of the doubt, that when I end up disappointed, I feel so dumbfounded by it.
My jaw hangs open. I shake my head. Shrug my shoulders. I stammer to say something, anything.
What am I supposed to do with it?
When you thought something was one way but it turns out another way. When you thought some ONE was one way but they turn out to be another.
It's just so very disheartening.
It's not because of expectations. Well, maybe it is, but only in the "I expect people to not be assholes" way. I will never concede that that is an unreasonable expectation. People should not be assholes. Period.
We can all be a bit thoughtless or inconsiderate sometimes. We don't always see what we should and react the way someone thought we would. But when it's only because we weren't seeing the whole picture, we should be allowed to say, "Oh, oops, my bad, I love you and I'm so sorry. I was shortsighted and I will try not to let it happen again", and be forgiven.
On the other hand, when you've given someone ample opportunity to see that they fucked up, that they hurt you, and they still won't try to make it right?
Then they are being an asshole and that is a huge disappointment. Especially when you've bent over backwards for them, given them every possible bit of leeway you could.
It hurts. It's not fair. And at some point you have to draw a line and say ENOUGH.
I'm done. I'm not going to let you do this to me anymore.
I have been witness to two examples of this lately and I am still shaking my head. It is so very unfortunate when someone can't set their pride or just general assholery aside and it causes relationships to be ruptured, possibly irreparably.
There is so much loss there. So much hurt. Scars form. Walls are built.
You may lose that person FOREVER.
But all you can do is insist on being an asshole.
I just don't understand.
October 10, 2011
About My Family Tree
Guess what??
This? This post that you're reading right here, is number 250!
I love that it's a Listicle.
This week's prompt was chosen by Ms. Mamalog and it's a doozie! She asked us to come up with 10 tidbits from our family tree.
Hmmm....
I can imagine my family members squirming in their seats.
Mwahahaha!
Lucky me, it just so happens that I got to attend a cousin's wedding this weekend where I saw most of the paternal side of my family and did a little recon.
Mwahahaha!
Here is what my immediate family tree looks like:
To clarify, this is my immediate biological family: My grandparents and my parents and their siblings.
1. My father's mother, Dolores, whom we fondly refer to as "Dode", is actually really into genealogy. As far as I know, she has tracked our ancestry back centuries. It seems to mostly lead back to England. I think Grandma Dode's trove of information is mainly names, places and dates, not so much anecdotal. So I will only be able to share with you what I know about my family.
2. My paternal grandparents are Wally and Dode who had 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl. Their names are Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay. Randy is my father. My Grandpa Wally and uncle Clay have passed away.
3. My maternal grandparents are Paul and Joyce who had 3 children, 2 girls and 1 boy. Their names are Dawn, Deanne and Scott. Deanne is my mother (pronounced Dee-anne).
4. I have two uncles named Scott and an uncle named Mark, which is my husband's name.
5. All these aunts and uncles married and had 2-4 children each, for a grand total of 14 cousins. One I have never known and one died of SIDS. They are made up of 7 girls and 7 boys. This sounds all even-steven like, but growing up, I was surrounded by mostly female cousins.
6. Many of us cousins are now married and having children too. My and my cousins' children number 13 so far.
7a. It seems that my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles all got married and had children pretty young by today's standards. At the wedding I just went to, I found out that one of my grandmothers and most of my aunts were pregnant on their wedding days. So was my mother, who was only 16.
7b. I was conceived in Lake Tahoe, born in Washington state where I lived for 12 years, moved to Lake Tahoe where I lived until I was almost 20, and now I live in Washington state again.
8. The wedding we just went to was for a cousin we didn't know until we were adults. My uncle Mark didn't know. Interesting thing is, this cousin's mother named him exactly the same name as my aunt Renee named her son, first AND middle names, without either of the moms knowing.
9. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother's father I think since my high school graduation, nearly 20 years ago. He upset me regarding my graduation, then he divorced his second wife whom we all loved and then he just sort of went away. He is bipolar.
10. Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned any siblings of mine? That's because I am an only child. Even though I had young parents who could have easily had more children in each of their second marriages, they didn't. I have had some angst over this my entire life. I'm trying to get over it. Really, I am.
This? This post that you're reading right here, is number 250!
I love that it's a Listicle.
This week's prompt was chosen by Ms. Mamalog and it's a doozie! She asked us to come up with 10 tidbits from our family tree.
Hmmm....
I can imagine my family members squirming in their seats.
Mwahahaha!
Lucky me, it just so happens that I got to attend a cousin's wedding this weekend where I saw most of the paternal side of my family and did a little recon.
Mwahahaha!
Here is what my immediate family tree looks like:
 |
To clarify, this is my immediate biological family: My grandparents and my parents and their siblings.
1. My father's mother, Dolores, whom we fondly refer to as "Dode", is actually really into genealogy. As far as I know, she has tracked our ancestry back centuries. It seems to mostly lead back to England. I think Grandma Dode's trove of information is mainly names, places and dates, not so much anecdotal. So I will only be able to share with you what I know about my family.
2. My paternal grandparents are Wally and Dode who had 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl. Their names are Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay. Randy is my father. My Grandpa Wally and uncle Clay have passed away.
 |
| My father and grandmother |
3. My maternal grandparents are Paul and Joyce who had 3 children, 2 girls and 1 boy. Their names are Dawn, Deanne and Scott. Deanne is my mother (pronounced Dee-anne).
 |
| My grandma Joyce Update: Dear Jen, the family name on my moms side is Littlejohn - He was given a land grant by the King of England in the new world in the 1600's. He came from Scotland and was Robin Hood's partner in crime. Believe me they were beyond fit, the movies make them look ridiculous. There are quit a few in our country's history too, like Danial Boon or was it Davie Crockett? My aunt has a book she is going to leave to me. luv Grams |
 |
| My mother |
4. I have two uncles named Scott and an uncle named Mark, which is my husband's name.
5. All these aunts and uncles married and had 2-4 children each, for a grand total of 14 cousins. One I have never known and one died of SIDS. They are made up of 7 girls and 7 boys. This sounds all even-steven like, but growing up, I was surrounded by mostly female cousins.
 |
| Grandma Joyce, mother, aunt, me, cousin and my daughter |
 |
| Grandma, dad, my family, aunts, uncles and cousins on dad's side |
6. Many of us cousins are now married and having children too. My and my cousins' children number 13 so far.
7a. It seems that my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles all got married and had children pretty young by today's standards. At the wedding I just went to, I found out that one of my grandmothers and most of my aunts were pregnant on their wedding days. So was my mother, who was only 16.
7b. I was conceived in Lake Tahoe, born in Washington state where I lived for 12 years, moved to Lake Tahoe where I lived until I was almost 20, and now I live in Washington state again.
 |
| My mom holding baby me |
8. The wedding we just went to was for a cousin we didn't know until we were adults. My uncle Mark didn't know. Interesting thing is, this cousin's mother named him exactly the same name as my aunt Renee named her son, first AND middle names, without either of the moms knowing.
9. I haven't seen or spoken to my mother's father I think since my high school graduation, nearly 20 years ago. He upset me regarding my graduation, then he divorced his second wife whom we all loved and then he just sort of went away. He is bipolar.
10. Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned any siblings of mine? That's because I am an only child. Even though I had young parents who could have easily had more children in each of their second marriages, they didn't. I have had some angst over this my entire life. I'm trying to get over it. Really, I am.
"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would
give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily
life too often as if we take our family for granted."
~ Paul
Pearshall
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