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I have issues.

I'm a mess.

And I don't know why.

Well, I'm not totally stupid. I basically know why. But, I don't completely know why.

For about a week now I've felt so....just....umm....

I've been quiet unless I needed to speak, not smiling much. I feel so....

What?

What am I feeling?

I'm pretty sure it has to do with all the ups and downs in my life. There are so many it's practically dizzying.

I mean, how does one deal with her husband being fine one day, to nearly dying, to (seemingly) fine again? But not. Especially when it's not even the first time.

How?

How does that happen??

And how am I supposed to feel about it?

The other day, we were talking about the possibility of refinancing our house and Mark says, "Lower payments will be good for you down the road."

And then he realized what he was saying, and said, "Or....us."

God.

He says a lot of things like that, and not only to me. He's been trying to work up the gumption to make videos for the kids in which he talks to them about things, giving his fatherly advice. You know, for when he's not here.

The topic of Mark's possible impending departure from this world has been at the forefront of our minds since March 1st.

And the need to get his blood pressure checked out at the ER sends me running to sob in the shower. Every. Little. Thing. Is scary now, and the what-ifs bombard my mind.

Yet he is still very much with us.

He came home from the ER and insisted we go out for the day.

Anytime he steps foot into a hospital, I expect him to be admitted.

It is really hard to juggle this stuff!

Imagine my arms stretched out, the good on one side, the bad on the other, playing tug of war.

I am always focusing on the positive, remembering that he's "not dead yet". Mark is here and we are together, loving each other and our kids, trying to make the most of what we've got. I am an Attitude Ninja!

You know how one can be great in a crisis, but break down after the dust has settled? That's me. So I think that's partly where I'm at. But also, the constant worry of losing Mark right at the surface, all the time.

It's just....hard.

::

My daughter is wrapping up 6th grade with a big "Who Am I?" project. She has to write several poems and stories for it. She gave me permission to share the following:

Prompt: My greatest sadness


The Time When My Dad Was In The Hospital


My dad was in the hospital in the beginning of March. It was very, very devastating. He stayed in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. Almost the whole family came to Marysville. It was so sad for everyone there. But one day my dad woke up crying that he wants my mom, my brother, and me. So my grandpa took us to the hospital to see my dad. I was happy to see my dad was getting a little bit better. But one day he got worse, so bad he wasn't able to talk, or pick up his hands. All he could do was nod or shake his head yes or no. But then he got better after like 2 or 3 days, and was able to talk, but it was like a mumble when he talked. So then one day he was able to sit up and stand up and was fully understandable. And in 3 days he CAME HOME! And I was happy that he was home. But also scared, because I was afraid that it might happen to him again. But it hasn't, so I'm not as worried now.


Linking up with Shell's Pour Your Heart Out and hanging at Yeah Write.

Question Me: About Kids

Here is the third installment of the questions you asked for my blogoversary. It's the third post and there are three questions....about kids!

::

1. Do you wish you could have just one more baby?

Sure, I wish I could....but I'm totally OK with not. I feel extremely blessed to have been able to have the two I have, considering my husband's health. Diabetics often have a hard time with fertility. When we decided to try for our first, Mark was doing well with his transplant, and it took us only 2 months to conceive. But the second time we tried, Mark no longer had his transplant and it took 6 months. Not a huge difference, but still noticeable. The kicker is that I had Gestational Diabetes in both pregnancies. Seriously? So ironic.

I always wanted more than one child. I got two. Would have loved to have three, but honestly, that ship has sailed. Mark's health declines a little more each year, and I'm on the down slope towards 40. If circumstances had been different, maybe we'd have three....

2. Are you excited for the day your kids are old enough to drive you around?
...or scared?

Both? Of course I've thought, "hey, my kids can drive me around someday!", but it's not like I'm waiting with bated breath for the day to arrive. I don't really know if I'll want them to drive the moment they turn 16, and I honestly have no idea where they're gonna get cars. Guess they better plan to get jobs too!

And I'm always scared in cars. I have no control! So I bet I won't be any more scared with them than I am with anyone else. At least with my kids, I can justify yelling at them!

3. Will you want your kids to live with you after they turn 18?

I don't know if want is the right word, but I have a feeling I wouldn't mind it. I don't think I will be one to be anxiously awaiting the day my kids get the hell out of my house!

Pretty much, I don't want them to move out until they're ready. I want to feel, and for them to feel, that they can take care of themselves, that they have the skills and resources to do so. Now that's not to say I want any "failure to launch" issues! I just think I am their mom and with me is their first and forever home. I want them to know they always have a soft place to land, without taking advantage of it. Hopefully I can pull that off!

I am currently anticipating the next chapter of motherhood: having both kids gone to school 6 hours a day, 5 days a week (well, give or take holidays and teacher days). Next September my baby boy will start first grade! That will be more emotional for me than preschool or kindergarten ever were. Those were more like Awww moments. This is HUGE. I am no longer the mom of little kids. They're big kids now! And with that comes all sorts of new and different joys and challenges.

Camryn is a pre-teen, for crying out loud! She turns 12 this summer. I've purchased her first little bras! How does this happen?? The passage of time astonishes and bewilders me. I still think about her little toddler self all the time, the way she said "flow-wow" for flower and "ga-gog" for hot dog.

I just love these pains in the neck them so much.

10 Words for Home

My fellow Washingtonian and our Listmaster has tasked us with listing 10 Words That Describe Home. I wonder if any of hers and mine will be the same?

I live in Western Washington, about 40 miles north of Seattle, straight up I-5, in a bedroom community called Marysville.

I guess it's a small town, but it has grown a lot in just the 9 years we've been here, and it's growing still. We now have our own Costco, Taget, Olive Garden and Mark's favorite new addition, Cabela's.

We like it here. It's very family-oriented with lots of nice people. It's not perfect, but where is? I was born in the next city south, Everett, in the same hospital as my son (new building). You may remember that I lived in Lake Tahoe from 12-19. I consider that home too. But I live back in Washington now, so here is where I will talk about.

1. Wet - it rains spits steadily 10 months of the year.

First day of school, day after Labor Day. Mother Nature just knows.

2. Clean - all that water.

3. Green - once the sun comes out and combines with the water. Also, lots of crunchy folks here.

Snapped these photos on Saturday when we took a drive with my dad north along Chuckanut Drive, into Bellingham, stopping at this lookout in Mt. Vernon on the way home. See how green?

4. Coffee - Seattle is Starbucks headquarters and Marysville has no less than seven stores, not to mention a myriad of corner coffee huts.

5. Volcanoes - Washington boast TWO mountain ranges, the Olympics and the Cascades, many of which are volcanoes. Anyone remember the eruption of Mt. St. Helens in 1980? I had just turned 6, slept through it and was greeted by a blanket of ash outside my front door.

6. Strawberries - My house sits on land that used to be strawberry fields. The annual Marysville Strawberry Festival is held every June. I love living in a town that still has old fashioned parades and carnivals.

7. Community - I don't know if it's just us, but we have managed to meet some of the kindest people here. From our personal friendships to Girl Scouts, our kids' teachers, various health care professionals and Mark's co-workers at Home Depot. It's very cool.

About my actual house....

8. Condo - our dwelling is zoned as a condo to justify the tiny lots, but it is a fully separate house. We have barely enough room to turn around in our "backyard". Just enough for a BBQ and a small garden, which Mark has recently begun purchasing supplies for.

9. Cozy - our house is just big enough for the 4 of us, not too big, not to small. Sure, more space would be nice, but like my mom always says, "the bigger the house, the more there is to clean!"

10. Ours - before two years ago I didn't think we'd ever buy a house. I was used to renting and was really comfortable with it. Now I'm so glad we took the plunge.




PS: I have taken over my BFF's blog, Mom Rocks Mealtime, for this week and next. I would love it if you went and checked out my first post!

TGIF: The Spider and the Cheeto

Holla for....

Today I would like to share a funny story. Because I have kids who make me laugh often and I don't think I share enough of the funny shit they do. Their funny makes me HAPPY!

My kids like to have a little bedtime snack.

What? Don't look at me! It's their father's fault.

Ahem.

So this one night last week Camryn came down in her PJs to look for something to eat. AJ followed after a few seconds.

Cami was looking in this big bowl we have on the counter where we keep snack type stuff.

She turned around when AJ appeared, and proceeded to freak out.

She hopped up onto the counter, screaming and pointing at a spider on the floor.

AJ: "Where, where?"

Cami: whining and pointing

AJ: "Oh I see it!"

Cami: "Kill it!"

Me: "Yeah, kill it, AJ."

AJ grabs Mark's stainless steel Contigotravel cup and tries to smash the spider with it.

AJ (as he's smashing): "Aah!"

He missed.

He tries again, screaming like before.

Me (laughing): "OK, I don't think the cup is gonna work."

AJ: "Oh ok, I know......"

He runs off to get a shoe.

Meanwhile, the spider is fleeing across the floor.....towards Camryn, who is squealing in terror.

AJ (shoe in hand, smashing): "Aahh!"

Still he misses.

Me: "Give it to me!"

I take the shoe, locate the spider and SLAM!

AJ: "Aahh!"

Cami: some high-pitched sound

I press down for good measure.

AJ grabs the shoe and turns it over to inspect the bottom.

Both kids feign disgust: "Eww!"

Me: "AJ, go put the shoe away, please."

I go over to where Camryn continues to perch on the counter top, whimpering.

Me: "Sweetie, it's OK. The spider is dead. It's gone. It wasn't even very big."

Cami: pitiful whining sound

AJ returns, looking around. I suspect canvassing the area for more offenders.

Me: "OK Cami, hop down. You're fine."

She does, and scampers out of the kitchen, hopping over a wayward Cheeto as she goes.

AJ: "What, are you afraid of Cheetos now?"

At that I could no longer contain my amusement.

Me (cracking up): "AJ!"

Camryn is utterly DONE now and lashes out at us: "Don't laugh at me! It's not funny!"

Me (still laughing): "Oh honey, I'm not laughing at YOU, I'm laughing at AJ...what he said was just funny."

But she's not having it: "STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!"

As she runs/stomps up the stairs.

AJ and I just look at each other, still giggling.

It's so hard to be a pre-teen.

What are you HAPPY about right now?

You can grab the button and link up if you want!

Measurements of Student Progress

We live in Washington state. Our public school state test for grades 3-8 is called the MSP.

They say, "The MSP name conveys the goal of the test: to measure student progress. State testing should never be the sole judge of a student’s academic skills and knowledge. A student’s entire performance should always be considered."

Yet, if a child doesn't pass the MSP, they will be placed in a "Lift" class the following year. For a middle schooler, this means losing out on an elective. This is the case in our district. I do not know if it's the same in others.

If I'm giving educators the benefit of the doubt, it looks like they want to help my child do better in whichever subject they didn't pass.

If I'm being cynical, it looks more like they want my child to freaking pass the MSP already so they can get more funding or ask for raises or whatever kids passing these tests does for them.

I understand that this is public education funded by the government and is free to me (well, besides my property taxes). I promise, I try not to complain about it too much. Like all the days off school there are. Mark complains about that a lot. I get it (mostly). But when they use the results of their standardized test to penalize my child, I get a little angry.

Many kids don't fit into their standardized box. Kids have varying learning styles.

My daughter has ADD.

Last year Camryn failed the MSP by four points and had to spend all this year taking a "Literacy Lift" class. And if she failed again this year, she'll have another similar class added to her schedule in 7th grade, thus locking her out of any sort of an elective.

She really wants to be her current homeroom teacher's TA in 6th period next year.  When she came home and told me this, I felt SO PROUD of her! I was thrilled that she would want to take this kind of initiative. And proud of my (not so) little girl for choosing an elective in which she will be helping new 6th graders (and a teacher).

Camryn may have ADD, but it has no bearing on her intelligence. It may look that way at times, because she can appear flighty, spacey, even air-headed. This is because her brain moves a mile a minute. She has "ooh shiny!" syndrome. But she is not stupid.

ADD makes it difficult to concentrate. Kids with ADD are famous for not doing well on tests. It takes Cami longer to finish the MSP testing than other kids.

I don't yet know how she did this year, but she may never pass one of those tests.

It's only because the test is "standard", yet she is not.

And this means, that she may have to continue to miss out on any elective she might be interested in. The very classes that help keep kids engaged in school, and help them discover what they're good at.

My heart breaks over this because it damages her already fragile self-esteem. I really don't think it's fair.

In all honesty, I think her school wants to push the kids to pass the MSP so they look good. I don't mean the teachers specifically. I'm sure that most of my daughter's teachers care about her learning what she needs to learn, and perhaps loathe those tests as much as I do. I get that teachers are in a tough spot between what their hearts want for the kids and what the administrators are making them do.

If it weren't for this ridiculous rule they've put in place, I probably wouldn't even tell Camryn whether she passed the MSP or not, when I get the letter in September

Because I don't think it has any bearing on who she is as a student.

It's just so very frustrating.

(Before someone tells me this is one reason they homeschool, please don't. I'm not that mom. Not only do I not have the discipline to homeschool, I wouldn't be able to do a good job of giving my kids an enriching homeschool experience because I can't drive them to great extra-curricular learning places.)

Linked to the Yeah Write Hangout and....

Question Me: About Blogging

After recently publishing Confessions of a Blogger, I thought the next set of blogoversary questions I answer might as well be the blogging ones!

::

1. What is your favorite piece you've written and why?

I think I've determined that my most favorite post is How Do I Love Thee?, because I was able to articulate to my satisfaction the complexities of my feelings for my husband. And I still think it sums things up well, despite having written it back in 2010 and lots happening since then. I do have a page up there under my header where you can find a list of my best posts.

2. How do you feel the connections/friendships you have made in the blogging world, have impacted you in comparison to your "real life" relationships?

The connections that can be made online are totally real. The great thing about them is that these people most likely aren't judging you AT ALL. And you get a whole other perspective from online friends. In comparison to IRL friends? I would say that online friend compliment, or round out, IRL ones.

There's even the possibility of making someone you met online a "real life" friend. I got to finally meet Danielle of motherhood: TRUTH this past weekend! My bestie Jessica (who also has a blog) and I met Dee in Seattle.

We had dinner at The Old Spaghetti Factory where we were seated next to a screaming child. All three of us shook our heads, wondering WHY when we moms get out for the night do we still have to listen to screaming children?

We had a little time left before Dee's ferry back to her side of the Sound so we stopped into the Red Robin bar where I drank one of these:

And then we asked the bartender to take a photo of us!

Left to right: Danielle, Jessica, Me
(We would have had bigger smiles, but the bartender took a little
too long to take the picture.)

It was quite literally wonderful to meet Danielle! She let me give her a big hug and squeeze her tight, something I've been wanting to do for months now because we both need all the hugs we can get.

I simply must add that being able to blog through the tough stuff in my life, and receiving so many sweet, caring and thoughtful comments back, is a HUGE gift.

3. Do you have any subjects that are off-limits to your blogging?

Well, no, not really. I can't say anything is completely off limits because I can't seem to help how transparent I am. That said, I do have things I'd rather not blog about. Not all that hip on discussing sex, money or dieting. Funny, but I can handle religion and politics, perhaps because I enjoy a good, healthy debate. Just haven't had lots of reasons to talk about those things. But I suppose I may since this is an election year. (Can we just skip it, leave Obama in office and call it good?)

But let me add, that I do try to be tactful and appropriate with my honesty and transparency.

Oh and, I don't want to completely embarrass my kids. I know, I'm too nice. I'm sorry, I just can't blog about something mortifying that happened to one of my kids. But there is a "sliding scale", shall we say? ;-)

4. Does all your family know about your blog, and are they supportive?

Yes, I do believe everyone in my family is now aware of my blog. They weren't at the beginning of the year, which is why I proclaimed, "I am a Blogger". And yes, I think they are all supportive. I know my parents are (they even comment). I think Mark's are too, but I have no idea how much they check it out.

This goes back to what I said about transparency. Don't think I'd have been able to go for long without talking about blogging with everyone, at some point. Also, Mark brags blabs about it a lot!

5. Where do you think you'll be with blogging in 2 more years?

I intend to still be doing it. Beyond that, I don't really know. I am open without expectation!

What I do know is that blogging gives you a voice. Whether it's to find yourself, help others, share recipes or fashion tips, or all of the above...it's your voice and a platform. I didn't realize this when I started; I just didn't know about the scope of the blogosphere. Now that I do, I see it as this amazing opportunity to connect and share, to find a new path, to influence....for free therapy. I hope I will always blog well.

Do you know how you'd answer any of these questions?

How to be a Good Husband

As of yesterday, Mark and I have been together for 18 years. In July, we'll celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary.

So I think I know a thing or two about husbands. Or at least, what I like in a husband.

Mark is really a good guy. I mean, there are always a few things I could complain about like his socks, but he doesn't do anything out of maliciousness or spite; he never intends to be a jerk. He knows me better than anyone, and loves me anyway. He's also a good dad.

For the most part, I think being a good husband (or wife) is about wanting your spouse to be happy. If you both want the other to be happy, chances are you both will be.

Also? Communication. I have come to the conclusion that communication is the most important thing in a marriage. You have to talk to each other. Which is not something men particularly enjoy. In fact, it can be like pulling teeth. But, it simply has to be done.

10 Things Husbands Should Do (based on what Mark actually does)

1. Change light bulbs and hang pictures.

2. Exceed the speed limit on the shoulder of the freeway when his wife is in labor.

3. Be capable of doing domestic things. Moms of boys: teach your sons to cook and clean!

4. Take care of all things related to automobiles.

5. Be in charge of the garage. Seriously men, don't complain about the garage getting messy or unorganized. We women do not care! I view the garage as a utility room. I'm sorry.

6. Make sure his wife has her favorite coffee creamer and wine on hand at all times.

7. Rearrange plans he had with a friend so his wife can go meet her bloggy friend.

8. Ask how time spent apart was, and actually want to hear the answer.

9. Take how ever many family portraits his wife wants with a smile.

10. Make her laugh!

Yep, Mark does all of the above. I know, I got a good one. He's good at making up for all the crap he makes me deal with! Just kidding. Maybe.

Confessions of a Blogger

As a blogger who blogs and reads blogs and tries to be supportive of other bloggers, I have a few confessions to make.

1. I don't understand why anyone would design their blog to be user UN-friendly. For example, making the font tiny or difficult to read in some other way (contrast). I really don't think your main font, that your posts will be published in, should be a script, "handwritten" or in some light color.

I realize I feel this way because I have bad eyes. But the thing is, I'm not the only person in the world who has bad eyes. And when I go to a blog that I can't see, I regretfully have to click away. Why would anyone want that? Wouldn't you rather make it easy for ALL readers to stay and read what you've taken the time and effort to write?

2. Along the lines of #1, I think photos should be published LARGE. I figure if you go to the trouble to include pictures, you want your reader to take notice of them, right? However, don't make them so big that they overflow outside your post area. That just looks unkempt. Which leads me to....

3. I don't enjoy blogs that are really cluttered. It totally distracts me from the post I'm there to read. I have stuff in my sidebar, but I've made sure it's all formatted nicely, flows straight down the page, nothing flashy, scrolling, blinking or makes noise.

4. If I've come, read and enjoyed your blog and decide I want to follow you in some way, I hate having to search for follow buttons. If I can't find them, I can't follow.

You do have follow buttons, right?

5. Speaking of following, I haven't noticed any successful bloggers who aren't on Twitter. If I read a post I really liked, I want to tweet it to tell others about it, but if the blogger isn't on Twitter too, I can't give them credit, thus pointing potential new followers in their direction. This makes me a little sad. By the way, the place I have the most followers? Twitter.

6. I think sidebars should be on the right. This is because we read from left to right. If you decide to have two sidebars, I wish you wouldn't make your middle area, where your posts live, super skinny. Your posts are the meat of your blog, not all the stuff in your sidebars. The sidebar is where you accessorize your blog.

7. It doesn't feel very good when another blogger forgets they agreed to do a guest post for you. It also doesn't feel good when they ignore tweets from the blogger they forgot about. People should try really hard not to do that. If you do forget, admit it and apologize. Basic common courtesy here, people.

Tip: Use a calendar for blogging. Google offers a very nice, handy one for FREE. And, it will email and text you reminders!

8. Word verification/Captcha is really annoying. I'm not one who will refuse to comment on a blog that is still using it because, well, I don't know it's there until after I've typed my comment and once I have already gone to the effort, I'm not just abandoning it. Guess I'm stubborn like that. BUT, the thing is, you don't need to use it. I happen to know that both Blogger and Wordpress have comment spam filtering. They will catch it. I've only ever had ONE comment squeak through that I considered to be spam, and I simply deleted it myself. Not a big deal.

I may be stubborn enough to deal with the captcha and make my comment go through, but that doesn't mean I like it. And I know MANY other people totally HATE it and WILL click away from your blog without leaving a comment because of it.

9. If a blogger wants to write sponsored posts and host giveaways, or even make money with their blog, I'm all for it....as long as this is balanced with what I really love about the blog. I admit, I'm NOT into the blogs that ONLY post reviews and giveaways. Unless of course they're hosting a giveaway I'd like to enter. Speaking of which, you should totally enter blog giveaways! You have a much better chance of winning them than the big sweepstakes on larger, corporate websites. I can attest to this, as I've won more than a few cool things through blog giveaways.

10. The number one thing I look for in a blog is authenticity. When I can tell that the blogger is representing their true self, I have the utmost respect. A sense of humor is a close second. Third is finding something I can relate to. Maybe it will only be one post. But that's something, right?

Would you add anything to my list?

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I Was (sort of) a Senior Hottie

Twe-cough-nty years ago THIS YEAR I graduated high school.

Class of 1992.

South Tahoe High: Home of the Vikings.

I had an interesting last couple years of high school. I really didn't have much fun my senior year, barely managing to squeak in the final memories of the senior class picnic and prom.

But I did!

I'm feeling a little self-conscious about sharing these photos because they show my blind left eye, long before I got a pretty prosthetic.

Senior Portrait

Yearbook

Prom
My date was my good friend, Derek

Graduation

BONUS: My BFF's prom pic - she was really HOT!

Whom I now lovingly refer to as J. Ho,
which has nothing to do with this photo!

And a recent photo of me:

Man, there's no denying that I've changed a lot!

Question Me #1

Apparently I didn't have enough brain power to try to come up with 10 things I wish I could delete.

Or denial.

Either way, I'm a Listicle topic rebel today.

I think I'm ready to put the disappointment of my blogoversary Q&A post somehow being eaten by Blogger behind me, and re-answer the questions that were submitted in bright and shiny fresh, new posts!

I'd like to start with the light, silly questions since things in my life have been so not light and silly as of late.

Cool? Good.

1. Do you sleep in the nude?

Um. No. No I do not. And frankly, I cannot understand how anyone can. I ask you, oh anonymous questioner, what if there's an emergency in the middle of the night? How do you not freeze? You gotta put something on when you get out of bed, right? Why not just sleep in something??

2. What color is your bedspread?

It's a duvet over a down comforter and it is green with darker green leaves.

My bedroom and bathroom colors are greens and blues. Very refreshing and calming. At least I think that's the way it's supposed to work.

3. What is your worst habit?

I get confused between habits and vices. Because I could say, my addiction to Coffee Mate. But that's a vice, isn't it? When I was a kid I shewed my fingernails, hair, necklaces, pens and pencils. But I kicked that habit as a teenager. I have a fidgety habit of playing with my fingernails if I don't have anything in my hands. If I do have something in my hands, I play with it. If it's a remote control, I turn it over and over in my hands as I'm sitting there. I've even been known to toss a remote because I got a little overzealous with my turning. This is why knitting and crocheting are good for me.

4. What was your first job?

I worked at my local movie theater which is the best job ever for a teenager!

5. What kind of camera do you use?

Well, I have a Kodak EasyShare Z650. But I don't use it anymore. I don't like how big it is. I tend to just use my phone and edit the crap out of the pictures. I want an awesome tiny little digital camera. Any suggestions?

6. Do you like bacon or sausage better?

Sausage. However, now that I need to watch my cholesterol, turkey bacon or sausage will be my breakfast meats of choice from now on. Good thing is, I actually really like them.

7. What kind of band-aids are in your cabinet right now?

I think we might be out, lemme go check..... We have a few large Curads from a value bonus pack.

8. What do you collect?

Angels!

9. What was your favorite Saturday morning cartoon?

Jem. And Looney Toons. And Fraggle Rock, except that wasn't a cartoon.

10. What fashion trend would you like to see come back in style?

I don't really think it matters if I would like something to come back in style. It seems they just will, whether I want it or not. Also, I'm a firm believer that if you wore it the first time around, you shouldn't the second time. This is why it's good to have a daughter, because I can buy her the stuff I'm not allowed to wear and live vicariously through her!

I am, however, still trying to force myself to finish knitting the legwarmers I promised  my friend The Sarcasm Goddess I would knit and wear in public and blog about. Maybe by next Fall....?

I feel betrayed.

This?

Is a betrayal.

I used to read TIME magazine religiously. Loved it. Trusted it.

Sure, I've fallen off the wagon since becoming a mom, which exposed all my feelings and left me no longer desensitized to the bad news in the world.

But I made sure to pick up the occasional copy of my old standby news magazine when something super important happened that I thought I might want to keep a memory of for later in life.

The death of Princess Diana.

9/11.

The election of our first black President.

Let me be clear, it's not the picture of a mom breastfeeding her older child that's got me.

That doesn't bother me even a little bit.

Well, I can't say I'm all for it (the continued breastfeeding of a preschooler), but I have zero problems seeing breastfeeding.

I mean, I'm a woman, a mom, who breasted both of her babies. To me, it's a perfectly natural thing that the majority of the moms I know have done.

So it's not that.

It's the headline, "Are You Mom Enough?".

Are you kidding me, TIME?

How could you do this to me? How could you betray me like this?

How could you openly, blatantly not only participate in, but also perpetuate, these ridiculous so-called "Mommy Wars"?

Right before Mother's Day too. Oh, but that's just it, isn't it?

Shameless!

Can I trust any news agencies anymore?

My local reporters don't know how to properly gather information before they break a story.

I have felt disconnected with national news shows since Peter Jennings died, and Tom Brokaw and Charlie Gibson retired.

They were my go-to news guys. Especially Peter.

Sure, I like some who have come after, but not the way I trusted those guys.

Everyone knows FOX News is politically biased. Can't watch them.

And now this sensational magazine cover that is meant only to rile American moms and sell copies.

It's such a disappointment.

Don't even get me started on how much we moms don't need this crap thrown in our faces!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

I no longer trust you.

Guess I'll just have to get my news from Twitter.

For some other great opinions on this matter, check out:
Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms
and
The Momalog

Do you agree with me? Do you have a different take on this?

TGIF: Mother's Day Edition

If you took time lapse photography in my living room you would see me sitting at the computer, frequently getting up to do things and sitting back down, with my husband and kids buzzing around me.

One particular weekend I posted the following status updates on Facebook:

Word problem for you: There are 4 members of the Hall Family, mom, dad, girl and boy. Dad and girl leave. Boy's friend arrives. How many people are left?
(Answer is 3: me, boy and friend)

Time alone at home? What an unexpected treat!

Today's word problem: There are mom, dad, girl and boy in the Hall Family. Boy's friend spent the night. Girl went to a sleepover and spent all day away. Dad, boy and boy's friend went out. Dad and boy return. Later, girl comes home. Then dad and boy leave again. Who's home now?
(Answer is mom and girl)

Did you notice that I am the ONE person who never left?

I could cry laugh at this, thinking, jeez Jen, it seems you have no life.

But while I may not have gone anywhere at all that weekend, I do get out. So it's really not about that.

I'm the constant. I am the one all three of them can count on.

I'm their go-to gal. The one who usually has the answer to, "Where are my shoes?"  or "Whose bath night is it?", and "Do we have any more toilet paper?"

(The one question I often do not have an answer for is, "What's for dinner?" In my defense, Mark is a better cook, so I defer to him on that one.)

I am always the one to get up with the kids in the morning, and almost always also home to tuck them in at bedtime. I get them off to school, and again, almost always greet them when they arrive home. If I'm not, I make sure they know who will.

My husband and children can count on me 100%.

I'm the Mom.

I truly hope we all get to feel special and loved. May your children, and mine, behave like the perfect angels we think they are. May someone rub our feet. May there be breakfast in bed and bubble baths, or whatever would make us smile.

(Love to my Mom and Grandmothers!)

Today you can use either the Mother's Day blogCard or TGIF button.

Grab one --> and link up!

And then go read Dudes....put down the flowers and the stupid card. C'mere. at Food Good, Laundry Bad. Trust me. Oh, and also, Don't Let Mother's Day be Martyr's Day from DocG. I'm serious. Do it.

The Calm After the Storm

Well, I *think* things have calmed down now.

For me and my loved ones, March roared in like a lion with my husband Mark being hospitalized. Things looked bad enough that everyone thought he was dying. Including me.

We braced ourselves for the worst. But Mark had other plans. I truly believe he decided, "Nu uh, I'm not going anywhere yet!"

He rallied and we brought him home after 13 days in the hospital. Everyone was amazed and grateful, yet still very worried this might only be a temporary reprieve. There were so many conversations exploring the what ifs and Mark's wishes, home health and in-office appointments, crying and holding each other.

We went to a follow-up appointment where Mark's cardiologist said to stop worrying, he was doing well now.

Really? Oh. Small sigh of relief.

Only a small sigh of relief because both of us still had this nagging suspicion that it wasn't that cut and dry. How could it possibly be, considering ALL of Mark's co-existing conditions?

A couple of weeks later, at the beginning of April, we sought the opinion of an arrhythmia specialist, who confirmed that there was still something to worry about. He gave us a different diagnosis and said Mark should have an ICD, an Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator. Without one, his heart could go into Ventricular Tachycardia at any time and there may not be enough time get him help if he's at home.

He had the surgery last week. Now that Mark has an ICD, if his heart goes into V-Tach, the device will shock it back into a regular rhythm, or shock his heart back into any rhythm if it stops. At least that's what it's supposed to do.

While we now feel like we have a bit of an insurance policy, if you will, we're still not wholly relieved.

This is better than the alternative and we are grateful.

However, we are still left with so many what ifs, concerns, worries and questions. The thing is, though, they're all things we simply cannot know, cannot do anything about....besides do our very best to take good care of Mark. The rest is unknown.

The past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion, confusion, fear, uncertainty....and hope. It's been overwhelming at times. Not only adding yet another condition to the list of what Mark battles, but also the realization confirmation that he is indeed mortal. That has rocked Mark to his core.

With what we've been facing I felt inspired to renew our vows. I told my friends who were very excited and began making plans. But I just decided to cancel it.

Remember the post I published from Mark last Wednesday? It was in response to another post I wrote at the end of January. Those two posts, along with all the heart-to-heart talks we've been having lately, have shown me that he and I have been saying all the things we need to say to each other already. I know we both know how we feel about each other.

Not only that, but I just want to BREATHE right now. I want to be calm, get centered and find our new normal, which is continuing to evolve. Mark needs to heal and see how strong he is (or isn't). I know he really wants to go back to work at some point, even if not in the same position. I know I don't want him to push himself. I think gone are the days when he needs to push himself.

So here I am, breathing. Just breathing.

Hospital Hour

On Thursday, May 3, 2012 from 4:45-5:45 PM:

1. Sitting in the cath lab waiting room, after getting the details of the procedure from Mark's doctor, my father and I wait to be escorted to where Mark will be staying for the night.

2. As soon as he sees me, Mark reaches for my Starbucks cup because he's so thirsty. And hungry. The nurse starts pushing his bed toward the elevators and I hurry to keep up asking, "Hey, where you going with my coffee?"

3. Up on the third floor I am pleased to find that Mark gets a private room. 336. I watch as he moves from the OR bed to the room bed, wanting to help somehow, but there are already two nurses right there.

4. The nurses adjust the bed, fluff the pillows and give Mark an ice pack for the incision site. I'm leaning on the wall at the foot of his bed and when I step away, I cause a plastic body board that was also leaning on the wall to fall over. Oops.

5. Over at the large window I place my purse and Kindle on the sill and listen as the nurses buzz around doing their duties, admitting Mark to the floor. One tells him to do something and he flat out says no. I may or may not have scolded him a little to not give them a hard time.

6. A round, grey-haired nurse enters to do the intake. Or as it's more aptly described, ask you every question under the sun making you feel like you're selling your soul. Do you drink, smoke, do recreational drugs (isn't drinking and smoking recreational too?), have regular bowel movements or ever exceed the speed limit? How many surgeries have you had? Um, how much time do you have?

7. Mark is starving...TO DEATH. He really wants to call an order in for food but this woman keeps asking him questions. Finally she realizes this and tells him to go ahead, that she can ask me instead. Oh yippee! Mark scratches his head for a few more minutes trying to figure out what someone who's on a diabetic and heart healthy diet will be allowed to eat. Turns out, a French dip sandwich and fries without salt is alright. Go figure.

8. The nurses finish their tasks and food arrives promptly. I am relieved Mark is getting to eat because his blood sugar was only 74 and we already dealt with a low that day. As he eats, I flip through a brochure about the device that now resides in Mark's chest. Looking at the illustrations I can see why the shape of a love heart is what it is; real hearts do somewhat look like one. In an abstract sort of way.

9. I check the time. It's nearly 5:45, going on 6:00. Thinking about the kids, and my dad's yawning next to me, we should leave soon. But I hesitate. It's gotten easier over the years, but I will never like leaving my husband at the hospital by himself, while I get to return to the comfort of our home. It's hard in a different way now, though. Now I am traumatized by terrifying middle-of-the-night phone calls that something scary is happening to Mark.

10. I shake the scary thoughts away. Literally shaking my head a little. Mark sounds perfectly alright with my leaving. I tell him to be good and that I love him. Love you too....bye....call if you need me....I'll have the kids call to say goodnight....one more I love you....

Inspired by "An Hour in a Day" at Stacey's Mothering Moments

Submitting this to the Yeah Write #56 Challenge Grid.

April's Best

For the Best of the Blogosphere in April, sweet Sue has asked me to co-host the link-up!

I know! This is a lot of linkies for me this week, isn't it?

But it's cool. I can handle it.

Well, maybe. I mean, my husband is having a minor surgery later today and spending the night in the hospital. So, you know, I may not be the best co-host, but I will really try to check out all the posts. Just give me through the weekend, OK?

That being said, here is my list of great posts I read during the month of April. I think it was a pretty darn good bloggy month.

The Garden of the Evening Star by Lori at Random Ramblings of a SAHM.

Guilty Indulgences. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. by Jamie at South Main Muse

The Yuppie Mom's Guide to Playing the Lottery by Kristin at What She Said

An Open Letter to My Uterus by Susan at Smushyface, Baby

Get Over It by Julia at Elated Exhaustion

I Have My Reasons by Anna at The Mommy Padawan

What's love got to do with it? by Bridget at Twinisms

Extraordinary by Lance at My Blog Can Beat Up Your Blog

Metamorphosis by Rach at Life Ever Since

If You're Fighting in the Mommy Wars: You've Already Won by Anna at Random Handprints

Blogging is not a hobby. by Nicole at By Word of Mouth Musings

Renew our vows by Jamie at Chosen Chaos

Fuck you, Universe. Or whatever your name is. by Jill at Yeah. Good Times.

Bonus:

Wordless by Amy at Coffee Lovin' Mom who did an amzing job with the A to Z Blogging Challenge in April. Cheers to Amy! I chose this simple post because it's cool, but you should check out the others she wrote all about Europe. Lots of beautiful photos!

AND, if you like to laugh (I sure hope you do), go check out The Sarcasm Goddess' "You Googled What?" posts at For the Love of Writing. They are knee-slapping, tears rolling down your face FU-UN-NY!

If you check out any of these posts, please let them know I sent you!

By the way, I found many of these through the most excellent blogging/writing community known as Yeah Write. That's also worth checking out!

So I think the drill is that you can link up your own list of posts you enjoyed, or your best post YOU wrote in April. Don't be shy; just do it!

Hey, come back here next Tuesday for a very special

Mother's Day blogCard link-up!

What would you like to say to your mom, your MIL, your grandma,

your mom friends, or even yourself?

Say it in a blog post, or "blogCard", and link it up with me!

(Linky will be open from 5/8-5/13 & TGIF for that week will also be part of it.)

Mark Blogs

My husband Mark recently got to reading my blog. He's read a little here and there, but not a whole lot. I tell him all about my posts. I tell him all about other people's posts too. But I'm never sure if he's actually listening to what I'm saying, or just being polite.

As is his husbandly duty. I mean, I'm polite all the time when he's rambling on about guns or motorcycles.

But I digress.

Specifically, Mark re-read the letter I wrote to him earlier this year, expressing how he is enough. After which he decided he'd like to write something. I told him I would totally publish a post from him. So he promptly started writing.

Which was a big surprise to me. I thought for sure he'd put it off. But he didn't, so without further rambling ado, here's Mark!

* * *

Well I’m not sure how to start. But here we go. My wife wrote a blog post “My Husband is Enough”  and it’s taken me a while to be able to write something back. So please bear with me; my words may not be as eloquent as hers.

Jen, I have not heard anything so loud in my entire life in words or print. There is a reason we have the lyrics to Led Zeppelin’s “Thank you”  on the wall.

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.
When mountains crumble to the sea, there would still be you and me.
Kind woman I give my all, kind woman nothing more
Little drops of rain whisper on the on the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.
Our love is strong, with you there is no wrong.
Together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.
And so today my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles.
Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.
Happiness, no longer sad, happiness… I’m glad.
If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you,
When mountains crumble to the see, there would still be you and me.

This is a testament as to the depth of my love for you. Without you I wouldn’t be enough man, husband, father. Without you I probably wouldn’t be. You and the kids are my hope for the future. Even if  we can’t stride off into the sunset together in this life, we will have each other in the end. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be watching, waiting for a time we can do this again when it doesn’t have to end.

In your post you wrote, “This life - yours, mine, ours - will never be picture perfect”. But yet it is, I never thought in my wildest dreams that I was capable of such love, and emotion. I’ve never wanted for love and support, and devotion. I am SOOO HAPPY, just don’t want it to end!


And just so you know I don’t worry for me, It’s you and the kids I worry for, I want to be there to make sure things remain picture perfect.

OK I’m done being a girl. Now I’m gonna go on and on about other things (juust kidding). But I too think about when we met and how far we’ve come -- the house, kids. I have never heard of a more blessed family or a person who has lived a more charmed life than I. I thank God for all that is and will be. Surely the hand of God will stay with you and keep you all safe. And if you doubt that you have a 357, and a S&W 40. Cal to keep you safe. You are my “Eye of the motherfucking tiger”, just point and shoot.

I should shut up now. Just know that I heard it loud and clear. I hate this quote but here it goes “you complete me”, and don’t you forget it!!

LOVE,
Me, who is enough, because you taught me to be ENOUGH.

* * *

I'm not even sure we need to renew our vows now. Kinda feels like we just did.

Mark is having his defibrillator surgery tomorrow. It's supposed to be no big deal, requiring only a one-night stay in the hospital, but of course I'm nervous. This is my husband we're talking about. Hell, I've been nervous for the last two months!

So please, say your prayers, think your good thoughts and help keep me sane.

Did You Know? Doomsday Preppers

Did you know there is a National Geographic Channel show called Doomsday Preppers?

It's all about people who are abso-freaking-lutely convinced some major global catastrophe resulting in the end of the world as we know it will befall us, and they want to be prepared.

Not prepared in the way that you or I might have a first aid kit or even a box in the garage that contains a radio, batteries, flashlights, canned foods and distilled water. We might feel "prepared" for your average natural disaster such as an earthquake or flood.

Not these people. They are going so much further than disaster preparedness.

We're talking about shelves stocked full of non-perishable foods and other supplies. Everything from beans to toilet paper, to seeds and weapons.

source

Yes, weapons. Because they are preparing for total anarchy.

They also build special "alternate homes" they can go to when the shit hits the fan.

My question is: Why?

Why are these people so concerned with surviving an apocalyptic event? Why do they want to be left when everyone is gone? Why do they feel the need to take on this enormous endeavor?

Personally, I'd rather just go with everyone else. I would prefer to just accept fate.

If the world is ending....doncha think there might be a reason for that?

It's the circle of life, man.

And honestly, the people who are into this....let's just say I'm not sure I would want to be around in a world where they're the ones being the leaders.

So I guess you could say it's win-win. The apocalypse happens, I die, the preppers live, and they can all have their messed up, fight for survival world with all their like-minded friends.

I'm thinking they don't have anything else to worry about. Must be nice.

So...

Got something interesting to share?

Write it, grab the button and link-up with me or my special co-host,

Amy at Coffee Lovin' Mom!

(Linky open through Friday.)

Also, come back here NEXT Tuesday for a very special Mother's Day blogCard link-up!

What would you like to say to your mom, your MIL, your grandma, your mom friends?

Say it in a blog post, or "blogCard", and link it up with me!

(Linky will be open from 5/8-5/13 & TGIF for that week will also be part of it.)