March 14, 2012

What can I say?

What's that I've got up there as my tagline? My life is a roller coaster? Yeah. That.

Not only that, but there are roller coasters WITHIN the roller coaster of life. The past two weeks have taken me on one helluva ride.

And it's not even over.

I'm not even going to be coy with placing links within my sentences. Here is a list of what I've written since the first of the month:


Today I am trying to process everything. After thinking my husband was about to die, I got to bring Mark home yesterday. I am amazed, overwhelmed, happy, stunned....and thinking WTF??

WTF because, WTF just happened? HOW-TF did he survive what he went through? And, WHERE-TF is this going to take us from here?

I need to be clear. It is amazing, and quite possibly another freaking miracle, that Mark is home with us right now. But he is still sick. He is currently stable, but that could change at any moment. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. His heart is seriously compromised by heart attacks, Atrial Fibrillation and CHF (Congestive Heart Failure), not to mention STOPPING several times now. He is on some strong ass drugs to try to prevent A-Fib and blood clots. Pile that all on top of his Diabetes and dialysis and my husband is indeed sicker than he was on February 29th. He will not be returning to work and legally he is not allowed to drive for at least 6 months after coding. Our lives are changed.

But Mark is STILL ALIVE, for crying out loud! His mother was convinced this was it. I was almost convinced.

I feel so many things that I don't know if I can adequately articulate right now. Some people have felt anger over what is happening to Mark. I refuse to waste this time I have with him on anger. I'm also trying not to be sad over what almost happened, or even that it could still happen. I don't need to feel sad until it DOES happen. I feel blessed and awed and happy that I got to bring him home. Home to his kids. This was honestly the best possible outcome, and we got it.

What I need to work through right now is stress and fear. Stress over the changes (financial, logistical, medical). And fear of the "what ifs". What if he codes here at home? What if he dies in his sleep right next to me? What if something scary happens in front of the children? Can I ever leave him alone? And what if I lose him forever?

Another thing I feel is immense GRATITUDE. Yes, grateful that Mark came through this. But the outpouring of love, support and help has overwhelmed me! "Thank you" doesn't feel like enough. I keep saying it, and it's just not doing it for me.

All of our parents came. Mark's sister and nieces came. My aunt was at the hospital every day. My uncle and a couple of cousins came. Mark's co-workers at Home Depot have been so generous. And my best girlfriends, who spent more than one night at the hospital with me, who made sure my kids were well taken care of and who cried with me. To have people in your life who are YOUR advocates while you're busy advocating for your spouse, is a tremendous gift.

Lest I forget, all the comments and tweets from those of you who read me have truly helped to bouy me and make me smile in the midst of some scary shit. Sorry, but swearing about this feels kinda good.

See? This stuff I'm saying sounds totally inadequate. Maybe I can do better expressing my feelings as time goes on.



36 comments:

  1. I think your outlook is beautiful. Sadness & anger could crowd out all the joy & love you feel at having him with you at home. I'm so glad to hear this positive step & I hope he heals well.

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    1. Yeah, it's just pointless to feel those right now. Maybe it'll change. But for now, nu uh.

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  2. I'm so glad Mark is okay. I am sorry you have to go through all this but I hope all the bad is behind you now.

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  3. Don't spend your time worrying about the "what-ifs". . . Trust me, they will get you every time.

    So happy that Mark got to come home. That is a blessing.

    Sending continuing prayers your way, Mama.

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  4. Wow, glad to hear that Mark is at least at home. And don't think about the what-if's! They will stress you out even more.

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    1. I will try not to think about them, but people are also asking me about them a lot.

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  5. Just focus on the blessings and acknowledge yourself for what you ARE doing Jen, seriously you are stronger than you give yourself credit for I think.

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    1. I do see my strength. I don't know where I get it (well I kinda do), but I see that I do have it.

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    2. Well good, then keep acknowledging it and it will keep showing up - I feel like you are in a good place even though it's a surreal reality.

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  6. Wow. Amazing!! Nothing but the best from her on in, babe!

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  7. I am so so happy he is home. I know there are so many unknowns facing you; just try to take it one day at a time. I will continue to pray for all of you. You are a strong, amazing woman.

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    1. Trying to take it one day at a time. Kinda hard, tho, when everyone wants to make "plans".

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  8. Wonderful news that Mark is back home! I am just gonna keep on praying for the miracle to keep going!

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  9. Just hooray!! Hooray he's home with you and the kids. I know it was hard but your attitude through this was amazing.

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    1. And you're gonna help me keep up the good attitude, right?

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  10. You and Mark are both obviously fighters and because of this, you have more time together as a family. I'm so happy he got to come home. One day at a time, Chica. You are strong. You can do this.

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    1. No choice but to be strong. Thank you.

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  11. wow...absolutely amazing! I'm so happy for you, and Mark, and your family...will continue to pray...

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  12. So amazing that he is home! Keeping you in my prayers. xo

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  13. Mark being home? Amazeballs and awesomesauce. So glad to hear it. One day at a time now. One day at a time. Now, I'm going to go hug my husband and son. And belly.

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  14. You are amazing. Keep up your fabulous positive attitude and treasure every moment. So glad Mark is home!

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  15. I think everything you are expressing is clear and more than adequate. I'm so glad that you are receiving so much support and that your husband is home. I will continue to pray for you all.

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  16. Take every life ending movie tear jerker and throw them away. What I saw my daughter go through over the last few weeks is so far beyond. The conversations she needed to have with Mark were epic. Superman has nothing on her! She faced everything head on. Did she do this without flinching? No. She collapsed and let us help her, then turned to steel and forged ahead, because she knew she had to. It wasn't a choice. This battle chose her. I am in awe of her courage, and proud of the love between these two.

    All my love,
    Dad

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  17. What an awesome dad you have! That just got me all choked up.

    Jennifer, You are incredible and strong. I pray that Mark does well at home and that you have much more quality time with him. It sounds like your support system will help you figure out the details of how to manage--it will all come together.

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    1. Thank you so much, Jen. I think my dad is trying to kill me with kindness!

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  18. I'm so glad he's home! Still praying for a speedy recovery.

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  19. Gosh I've been folllowing a bit on twitter and here - I'm happy he's doing a bit better and I'm so so sorry you guys have to go through this.

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