What Men Really Want

I have it on good authority (not naming my sources) that what a man would really love to have access to is.....

A Big Book of Vaginas.

I kid you not, like an actual large, leather-bound catalog of sorts.

They just want to see All The Vaginas.

(And All The Boobies.)

It's true!

Doesn't matter that they all look basically the same.

Sure, you can trim them up in various fashions....

You can even decorate them with piercings or vajazzling.

(No pictures, please.)

Ouch! No thank you.

But really, if you've seen one vagina.....

I would like to point out that I think it's fairly safe to say that there aren't any women pining for a Big Book of Penises.

Just sayin'.

The Longest Haircut EVER

source

Not long as in, long hair. Long as in IT TOOK TWO FREAKING HOURS.

I have had a short hair style for about 3/4 of this year. It's like an inverted bob, short in the back, about down to my jaw in the front. With layers and texturing and stuff.

It's a bit more complicated than a straight, blunt trim. But not some crazy difficult style either.

Our local community college has a cosmetology school located right here in our town. Haircuts, regardless of style, length or whathaveyou, are only $8. My family has been getting our haircuts there for years.

They are pretty awesome. You get a cheap haircut because you let students play with your hair. But never fear, there are teachers overseeing everything; the student talks with a teacher about how they plan to cut your hair before starting, and a teacher checks their work when they're finished.

I have never come out looking like a monster. In fact, my daughter went IN looking quite ridiculous after taking scissors to her own hair, and came out looking much better.

However, I have also never had a haircut take two whole hours!

Students do cut your hair slower than someone who has more experience. So you have to go into the school knowing it will take a bit longer.

Not that much longer, though. Seriously, it was awful.

The girl they had do my hair was obviously brand spankin' new. Not only that, she seemed to naturally move in slow motion. She walked me back to her station slowly, back to the wash sinks slowly. Everything....slowly.

So I shouldn't have been surprised by how long cutting my hair took, right? Well I'm sorry, I was utterly beside myself!

I kid you not, I wanted to say something to her so badly, but I'm a huge chicken about that sort of thing.

Inside I was all, "Get this effing haircut done and let me get the hell out of here!"

It took so long I got really anxious thinking I just might HAVE to say something to her face about it.

Mark got a haircut at the same time. His stylist was done way before mine, so he sat and watched. He told me she looked scared. He said she would hover over my head with her scissors poised to make a cut, but take several moments to follow through. He was sitting there silently cheering her on, "Make the cut! You can do it!" He also said the instructor gave him a few looks of apology.

I sat in her chair and nearly fell asleep. At first I didn't care. Going to get my haircut is a fantastic excuse to sit and relax. But once I realized just how long this was taking, and that we were going to need to get home for the kids, I started getting really impatient.

She had trimmed up the back, and even done some snipping in the front. I thought she must be almost done. Instead, she gets her instructor, asks him a question and he shows her a little something. Suddenly it was like she started all over. She kept snipping and snipping and snipping at the back of my head. It took everything in me to not jerk my head away and yell, "Please back away from my head. Put the scissors down. Just stop the cutting! STOP IT!!"

When she moved to the front of my hair I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she still had more to do. At that point I realized that the two students on either side of me had each done two cuts while I was sitting there. I also noticed how chatty those other stylists were with their clients, while mine was concentrating too hard to hold a conversation.....yet still taking FOR-EV-ER.

Finally I started dropping hints. I asked Mark what time it was. I mentioned the kids coming home from school. Mark pointed out how we hadn't even had lunch. I said I was so hungry I had a headache. He said he was starving to death. I let him LEAVE to get some BBQ from across the street. I wasn't worried he would take too long because this chic was clearly not done with me!

Finally -- FINALLY -- she called her instructor over one more time. After two hours of working on my head, he still had to fix a couple things. He tried to hand the scissors back to her to do the fixes herself, but she asked him to just do it because I had been in her chair too long.

THANK YOU GOD!

I am really not trying to pick on the poor girl. I'm actually trying to illustrate the humor in the whole thing. On the way home Mark and I shared what was going through our heads in those two hours, and giggled....shaking our heads and giggling some more.

It was just.....Yeah. And...Wow.

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This post concludes NaBloPoMo 2012! I made it! I sincerely hope you have enjoyed the ride more than I have. I will now remove my hands from the keyboard and slowly back away from my blog for at least the weekend....

TGIF: Funny Shit My Son Says #2

This is technically the second post like this because I previously posted about the Cheeto and the Spider (just didn't call it "funny shit my son says").

Regardless, AJ is pretty damn funny.

The other night I was up in my room watching a TV show when, close to bedtime, AJ walks in, clearly upset.

ME: Hey little man, what's up?

AJ: Mommy, I can't find my sound sort homework ANYWHERE!

ME: What? Why are you worried about your homework right now?

AJ: Because I really have to do that one with the /t/ /th/ sounds.

ME: But sweetie, that one was from last week. You have a new one with /c/ /h/ and /ch/ sounds for this week.

AJ: But I just can't find it! You didn't throw it away did you? I'm supposed to do it! Mrs. V wants me to!

ME: OK, calm down. No, I didn't throw it away.

AJ: Well then *starting to cry* WHERE IS IT??

ME: *sigh* I'm pretty sure it's on the table. I promise I'll find it. CHILL OUT.

AJ: NOW, Mommy! PLEASE! *sniffle*

So we head downstairs, I locate the missing homework and all is right with the world.

A little while later we are upstairs to get the kids into bed. AJ is lying in his bed and both Mark and Camryn are sitting there, all three talking about something, when I walk in.

I don't know what they're talking about and don't care. I crack the whip: "Bedtime!"

So Camryn leans over and kisses AJ on the forehead and says, "I love you, AJ".

To which he replies, "I hate you."

Awhile later as Mark and I are watching TV I, forgetting about the "I hate you" moment, start gushing about how good of a little student AJ is becoming and how sweet I think he is to worry about his schoolwork so much.

Mark agrees, and points out how sweet Camryn is too because of how she kissed AJ and said she loves him at bedtime.

Total moment of parental pride, right?

So I ask, "Well did you hear AJ's response?" He says he didn't.

I tell Mark that AJ said "I hate you".

Mark starts laughing and I'm all, "What?"

I guess my brain wasn't firing on all synapses because I wasn't getting the irony.

Mark goes, "Oh yeah, AJ is so sweet! One minute he's all emotional about his homework and the next he hates his sister."

We both start cracking up!

And it's all downhill from there. We start dissecting the Jekyll and Hyde intricacies of our son, sweet vs. evil, and we're laughing so hard we can hardly breathe!

So then I go, "I'm gonna have to blog about this."

Now it's you're turn!

Bring me your happy, funny, special....

And link it up!

(Button in the sidebar. Keeping linky open until the 1st now!)

IDK if it's weird to link a linky to a linky, but , you know...it just fits!

My Cat's Six Word Memoir

TGIF: The Spider and the Cheeto

Holla for....

Today I would like to share a funny story. Because I have kids who make me laugh often and I don't think I share enough of the funny shit they do. Their funny makes me HAPPY!

My kids like to have a little bedtime snack.

What? Don't look at me! It's their father's fault.

Ahem.

So this one night last week Camryn came down in her PJs to look for something to eat. AJ followed after a few seconds.

Cami was looking in this big bowl we have on the counter where we keep snack type stuff.

She turned around when AJ appeared, and proceeded to freak out.

She hopped up onto the counter, screaming and pointing at a spider on the floor.

AJ: "Where, where?"

Cami: whining and pointing

AJ: "Oh I see it!"

Cami: "Kill it!"

Me: "Yeah, kill it, AJ."

AJ grabs Mark's stainless steel Contigotravel cup and tries to smash the spider with it.

AJ (as he's smashing): "Aah!"

He missed.

He tries again, screaming like before.

Me (laughing): "OK, I don't think the cup is gonna work."

AJ: "Oh ok, I know......"

He runs off to get a shoe.

Meanwhile, the spider is fleeing across the floor.....towards Camryn, who is squealing in terror.

AJ (shoe in hand, smashing): "Aahh!"

Still he misses.

Me: "Give it to me!"

I take the shoe, locate the spider and SLAM!

AJ: "Aahh!"

Cami: some high-pitched sound

I press down for good measure.

AJ grabs the shoe and turns it over to inspect the bottom.

Both kids feign disgust: "Eww!"

Me: "AJ, go put the shoe away, please."

I go over to where Camryn continues to perch on the counter top, whimpering.

Me: "Sweetie, it's OK. The spider is dead. It's gone. It wasn't even very big."

Cami: pitiful whining sound

AJ returns, looking around. I suspect canvassing the area for more offenders.

Me: "OK Cami, hop down. You're fine."

She does, and scampers out of the kitchen, hopping over a wayward Cheeto as she goes.

AJ: "What, are you afraid of Cheetos now?"

At that I could no longer contain my amusement.

Me (cracking up): "AJ!"

Camryn is utterly DONE now and lashes out at us: "Don't laugh at me! It's not funny!"

Me (still laughing): "Oh honey, I'm not laughing at YOU, I'm laughing at AJ...what he said was just funny."

But she's not having it: "STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!"

As she runs/stomps up the stairs.

AJ and I just look at each other, still giggling.

It's so hard to be a pre-teen.

What are you HAPPY about right now?

You can grab the button and link up if you want!

I totally almost peed my pants!

source

Guys, I narrowly escaped peeing my pants last night!

Allow me to explain. I was finishing up dinner (BLTAs - yum!) and noticed I needed to go to the bathroom. I excused myself from the table and headed upstairs.

I stepped into my bathroom and immediately felt my nose tickle.

No! I can't sneeze NOW, I've got a full bladder here!

But the sneeze was coming. There was no stopping it.

Instantly my hand flew to between my legs and then I crossed them for good measure, and braced myself for the inevitable by planting my other hand on the little counter.

Let me just stop right here and point out that I was STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE TOILET. Talk about adding insult to injury.

ACHOO! (Holding my crotch with crossed legs, trying not to fall backward. I wish I knew how to do crappy drawings for you.)

OMG I didn't pee! I didn't even leak!

I guess I've done enough kegels.

Yay me!

TGIF: Making Progress Edition

Welcome to....

<a href="http://jah-justjennifer.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt=""src="http://i1200.photobucket.com/albums/bb331/JenAnnHall/Becky_TGIF-1-1-1-1-1.png" /></a>

 Go HERE to read all about how this came to be.  Basically, it's about ending your week on a positive note!

To participate

1. Write a post about something good that happened this week (or if you don't blog, tell me by leaving a comment). It can be anything!
2. Grab the #TGIF button and include it somewhere in your post.
3. Come back here and link up.  Linky is open all weekend (even if I publish a new post).
4. Visit some of the other linkers, leave comments and consider giving them a follow.
5. Share posts on Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon, etc, if you are so inclined!

**Ch-ch-ch-changes!**  I have decided to open TGIF up to guest posting.  If you want, instead of just linking your post to mine, you can be THE poster here.  Just let me know by sometime Wednesday of the week that you want to do it, and I will happily step aside and let you take the floor!  Be warned, if no one volunteers, I might put you on the spot and you will feel obligated to do it because you love me!

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I have titled this week's post "Making Progress" because after 2 years of knitting, I have finally also picked up a crochet hook.  Thanks to @MyBelovedAdoria for the lesson.  I wouldn't say I'm a natural, but I know how, am practicing and I'm proud of myself!

Not only that, but things are (so far) going better with Camryn and her math work.

Also, Mark found out this week that the schedular at his job had way too many restrictions on his available hours, which is why he's not been getting as many hours as he could.  Due to dialysis schedule changes over the past couple of years, Depot wasn't keeping up with when Mark could and couldn't work.  So he got that all cleared up

Speaking of Mark, here is what made him happy this week:

I have no idea if this is cool with Starbucks.
The shooting range Mark goes to has this on stickers, t-shirts and sweatshirts.

And then there's this cool new thing I'm doing.

My very first post went up yesterday.  You can go see it HERE!  Yay!

Here's a little something funny for you:

saw this on facebook

So how was your week? What GOOD things occurred?

Link up and make me smile!

TGIF: Head Shaking Edition

Welcome to....



<a href="http://jah-justjennifer.blogspot.com/" target="_blank"><img border="0" alt=""src="http://i1200.photobucket.com/albums/bb331/JenAnnHall/Becky_TGIF-1-1-1-1-1.png" /></a>

Go HERE to read all about how this came to be.  Basically, it's about ending your week on a positive note!

To participate
1. Write a post about something good that happened this week (or if you don't blog, tell me by leaving a comment). It can be anything!
2. Grab the #TGIF button and include it somewhere in your post.
3. Come back here and link up.  Linky is open through Saturday (even if I publish a new post).
4. Visit some of the other linkers, leave comments and consider giving them a follow.
5. Share posts on Twitter, Facebook, StumbleUpon, etc, if you are so inclined!

* * * * *

I have had one of those weeks in which things that make you go Hmmm have happened.  Like, things that just made me shake my head.

So, I'm going to focus on the funniness of these things.

On Monday, Mark officially began the process of having all this teeth pulled and getting dentures.

No, he's not 60 years old or anything.  He's 42, but not only was he born with weak tooth enamel, his myriad health problems have also contributed to quite a bit of tooth decay.  We all know now that unhealthy teeth can contribute to health problems such as heart disease, soooo....you can see why this is probably the best way for him to go.

But O-M-G!  It's so funny because he's only 42 and I'm only 37 and...dentures?  Really?  Hahahaha & *shaking head*!

Also on Monday, Camryn came home without any clue as to what she was supposed to do for homework.  She claimed she went to the bathroom when the teacher explained it.  I pointed out that she needed to then ASK the teacher or a fellow student what she missed.

Hello, child!  My children's lack of common sense is a continuous source of amusement to me.  So since she was totally lame about her homework, I made her fold AND put away her clean clothes all by herself.  Hahahaha & *shaking head*.

On Wednesday I completely spaced that it was early release day.  Thankfully I was sitting in a quiet house (no TV or music on) and heard AJ's bus coming.  I hi-tailed it outside in a t-shirt, pajama bottoms and birks.  Hahahaha & *shaking head*.

Oh, and earlier on Wednesday, Mark was getting ready to leave for work and turned on the kitchen faucet to rinse his travel cup out noticing that we had very little water pressure.  We both stood there as the water slowly...just....stopped....running.

Uh, WTF water?  Why did you stop?

Mark looked at me questioningly and asked if I had paid the city utility bill.

Um...yes!  I paid....half....was waiting for more money to pay the rest.  Kinda thought they'd warn us if they were close to shutting it off.

Apparently not.

We went outside and, lo and behold, there was this laminated orange card sticking out from where the water meter lives.

Terrific.

We took care of it, but it was still gonna be awhile before the water got turned back on.  I thought, oh well, guess this means I don't have to run any laundry right now!

Way to be positive, right?

Hahahaha & *shaking head*!

Lastly, after the #WaterBillDebacle, Home Depot decided to cut hours this week.

We obviously don't need LESS money.

But after the other silly mishaps of the week I can only.... Hahahaha & *shake head*.

But people, if you have any home projects on your list, I encourage you to go to your local Home Depot to buy your supplies.  Please and thank you.

Something to make you laugh:

So how was your week?  What GOOD things occurred?

Link up and make me smile!

Guest Post: Fashionista? More Like Fashion-NeedAStylist

I'm sure everyone who reads me is well aware by now that I am on vacation this week.

Yes, Jennifer, you've mentioned it.

Right. So, I decided this was the perfect excuse opportunity to ask for my very first guest post from a blogger I dig.  My choice was simple, didn't have to think about it much at all.

Who do I love to read every single time they post?  Who has been open and fun to tweet with?  Who puts a smile on my face?

The Sarcasm Goddess.

I'm not saying she's the ONLY blogger who fits the bill, but, well, you'll see.....

* * * * *

I cannot think of a greater honor than being asked to guest post on a fellow blogger’s blog. Imagine!Someone gives up control of their blog for one whole day to let you write whatever you want. WHATEVER YOU WANT. And if they don’t like it, tough! There’s nothing they can do about it. They have to display your content no matter how stupid, boring or vulgar it is lest they break the legally binding conditions of Guest Posting.

What?!

That’s not true?! There are no legally binding conditions? They don’t absolutely have to post what I write for fear Very Bad Things Involving Lizards and Rabies and Robots and A WORLD WITHOUT BACON!

Shenanigans! Someone call my attorney.

For serious though, when Just Jennifer, or as I like to call her: Just Plain Awesome, asked me if I wanted to guest post I was all, “sure thing!” And then I went and sat in the corner and started eating my hair cuz OMG is there any greater pressure than writing for someone else’s blog?

No. No there is not.

Just Jennifer was very supportive and encouraging. “You’re a great writer,” she said. “Just be yourself. Pretend you’re writing for your own blog. Don’t worry, I’m not expecting a Pulitzer.”

Well, Just Jennifer, you may not be expecting a Pulitzer, but I am. In fact, I’m getting kinda pissed. I’ve been blogging for over a year and I still don’t have a Pulitzer.

Who’s in charge of giving these things out anyway? Because honestly, I am long overdue for one. I mean hello, are you people reading this stuff? Pretty freaking awesome, yes?

I don’t even know what the requirements for receiving a Pulitzer are, but clearly, I am worthy.

GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, PULITZER PEOPLE!

Okay, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get to the point of today’s blog.

There’s a point?

Well of course there is.

Maybe.

Probably not.

I am a pretty intelligent person, as evidenced by the 300+ words of mindless drivel above. I graduated with honors; I (usually) refrain from sticking metal objects in light sockets; I take the cap off sharpies before using them; and I only use calculators for the really hard math like adding single digit numbers

You’d think a person with such a high level of smarts would be all, “Fashion? Psht. Easy piece of does this cheesecake make my thighs look fat?”

But nothing makes me scratch my head and say, “Huh? I don’t get it,” more than getting dressed every day.

My fashion vocabulary consists of pants, shirts, shorts, dresses and skirts.

Camisole? Cami what?

Cardigan. Come again?

Capris? The city in Italy?

When I was in high school, mom-jeans weren’t just were for moms. They were also for teens with no fashion sense. And by teens with no fashion sense, I mean me.

To my sixth grade graduation, I wore a Pepto Bismol pink junior bridesmaid dress with a giant-ass bow. And by giant-ass bow, I mean there was a giant bow right above my ass. I might as well have worn a sign that said, “please point and laugh and shove me in a locker.”

You only have to learn me once, though. To my high school awards ceremony I wore a tight black I-can-only-shuffle-my-feet-or-I’ll-bust-a-seam skirt with an electric blue my-boobs-might-just-explode-outta-this shirt. Because when in fashion-doubt, dress like a whore.

The older I get, the more confused I become. A typical shopping trip goes like this:

Look at item of clothing on hanger.

Get confused.

Is it a shirt?

A dress?

A skirt?

Decide to take it to the fitting room. I’m sure I’ll figure it out once I put it on.

Yeah, no. But I do manage to pull seven different muscles in my back as I try to wrangle the not-shirt over my head.

My befuddlement isn’t entirely my fault, though. Have you seen the clothes they make these days? A few weeks ago I was shopping and grabbed the most adorable shirt off of the hanger. And then I looked at the back.

The hell?

Is that ruching? As in, a place for your boobs to go? But, but, this is the back. Look, there’s the tag. Maybe this one’s defective. I’ll try another one.

They’re all like that!

Am I supposed to have boobs on my back now? Is this the new style? WHY DON’T I EVER GET THESE MEMOS?! WHHYYYYYY!!!!!

I put it back on the hanger, grabbed a pair of pants and headed to the dressing room. It took me fifteen minutes to realize the pants were a scarf. Or maybe a blazer. Or some other article of clothing I don’t even know the name of.

Who knows? And honestly, who cares?

I may never win a fashion contest, but as I mentioned before, I am smart. And being smart trumps being fashionable any day. Which do you think is more impressive to your employer: dressing for success or naming all 57 states in under a minute?

But there are only 50 states.

Exactly.

Well, there you have it. My guest post about, um, clothes and smartness and stuff. I’d like to take a moment and speak for Just Jennifer and say, “Wow. Incredible post. Truly it was. And your writing? Superb. Beyond compare. Life, nay, world changing. I expect your Pulitzer to arrive any day now.” Aww, thanks Just Jennifer. That is so sweet. It’s no wonder I call you Just Plain Awesome.

* * * * *

See what I mean? You totally LOL'd, right?  Because I did - a lot!  And I can relate to the Goddess' fashion woes.  How 'bout you?

I love this girl.  If you do too (and you really should), leave her some comment love below and then go check her out at her place, For the Love of Writing.  Follow her there, and/or hook up with her on Twitter at @SarcasmGoddess.

This was SO FUN!  Thanks, Lady!