This Day Means Nothing

It doesn't matter that a year ago today my husband was admitted to the hospital for observation due to possible arrhythmia.

It doesn't matter that in the middle of the night, about 3:30 AM, I was awakened by my cell phone ringing. It means nothing that this wasn't the first time I'd gotten a phone call of this nature.

It doesn't matter that the person who jarred me awake was a doctor at the hospital where Mark was only spending the night for observation.

What the doctor told me doesn't matter. That Mark had experienced arrhythmia and that it had stopped his heart.

It's not important that the doctor went on to tell me they had shocked and rescusitated him, then moved him to the ICU.

It doesn't matter that less than an hour later a nurse called me back and told me I may want to get to the hospital as soon as I can because he was real sick and they were worried.

It was no big deal when I called my friend and dad over to help me with my kids and transportation, or when I called Mark's parents to tell them what was happening.

It's inconsequential that what transpired over the next week sent our loved ones, Mark and myself into a tailspin of stress, worry, fear and grief.

The changes that have come as a result of these events don't matter either.

None of this means anything nor matters because I don't want it to. Because I don't want it to sit on our shoulders, pressing down, threatening to suffocate us with continuing stress, worry, fear and grief.

It all mattered at the time. But my husband made it through that trauma. He survived it. He is still with us.

That is what matters now.

Hope, love, endurance and strength are what matter.

For better or worse, in sickness and in health are what matter.

Always.


Linked with the Yeah Write Weekend Moonshine Grid.

How to finally kick your own ass into shape!

How are you doing with your resolution to start exercising?

I am in no way a health and fitness nut so I am not here to pretend that I am or lecture anyone on such things.

I do, however, want to share what has been my process in arriving at a place where I finally WANT to exercise and take better care of my health.

Maybe "arriving" is the wrong word. Considering all the temptations out there, and that I know I will give into them sometimes, it will continue to be a process.

One thing I know for sure is that making healthier choices has to be something YOU decide to do. No amount of anything besides your own motivation will make you do it. Further, I believe there is a moment when it simply clicks and you will finally see it through.

Psychologically

You have to be FED UP. You have to be sick and tired of how you feel or look or both. Just done with not being wherever it is you want to be physically.

I have this idea of what size clothing I should and shouldn't wear. In my mind I should never be any larger than a size 14, and I would prefer to be a 12 or 10. I honestly don't see myself being any smaller than that because I just am a curvy girl with large breasts and hips. Beyond that, I know that I am on the other side of looking and feeling good if I get up to a size 14.

You have to really want to make a change. Like, this is for real, different from other times. You feel it in your gut. It's not gonna happen if your heart isn't in it

For me, it is literally my HEART that's in it. You put my husband's health problems (including many with his heart) and that my dad has had a heart attack, not to mention that my uncle died from sudden cardiac arrest, all into a bowl, and I have the recipe to create fear for the health of my own heart. The cherry on top? Finding out my cholesterol is "marginally high".

It sucks, but it really helps if there's some key factors motivating you, such as a recent health screening, wanting to be healthier for your family, maybe even a recent health crisis.

Physically

You have to be honest with yourself about what form of exercise will work best for you.

Walking is my thing. I think it has naturally evolved as such due to my inability to drive. When we lived in the Bay Area I walked and used public transportation nearly every day. I stayed in pretty good shape doing so. That was California where it's sunny, or at least not raining, most of the time. I experience the exact opposite here in Washington. I got out of the habit of walking pretty quickly after moving to the Evergreen State, and my body has suffered for it.

But I still really enjoy walking so it is what I have gotten back into over the past several months. I'm not gonna lie, I am having to push myself to walk as fast as I once did, as well as figure out the right things to eat before exercising so I don't go all low blood sugar out in the middle of the street. Walking may not seem like a high impact exercise, but when you've gotten as out of shape as I have, it'll work.

I also like yoga, and from the small amount of it I've done, I am a firm believer in its benefits to the whole you, mind and body.

I've met people here online who love to run. Others who enjoy an elliptical, bicycle or Zumba. We each have to find what we will enjoy doing. If you hate the form of exercise, you're not going to do it regularly, therefor you're not going to lose any weight or feel healthier.

It is a pretty well known fact that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit. You have to push through the early days in order to make exercise a true ROUTINE.

Don't you think I've tried before now to get back into walking? Of course I have! But the difference I discovered last summer is that I hadn't pushed on through for a month before I slacked off again.

When the Holidays (and winter) came I got real worried that all my effort at my walking routine would be ruined. It did slow down, but I got on my treadmill every day that I could, and then I found myself itching to get back to it more often once the new year hit.

I am now in a place where I truly want to exercise and know that I feel better when I do. I am pretty blown away by this.

Once you push through the hurdle of it being extra-ordinary, it becomes ordinary and just a part of your life.

Accountability

I have hated that word over the years. I've never wanted to feel like I had to justify myself to anyone. But the thing is, it really does help. Not in an "answer to" way, but more of a "report to" way.

Not telling anyone of your intention to do something is another way to let yourself not do it. If you didn't tell anyone, they'll never know, hence no disappointment (or judgment). Except in yourself. Letting yourself down is really no better than letting someone else down.

I got involved with Chosen Choas' Run Blog Give last summer, and her Adopt-A-Pantry this fall. All those involved reported their mileage or days exercised to Jamie and she kept track of it on a spreadsheet. I'm not a runner, just a walker, so I didn't log as many miles as most of the other participants. But no one let me feel disappointed in myself for that. On the contrary, Jamie was a friendly cheerleader.

In my experience, accountability can actually translate to encouragement and support. For me, having someone to report to in the beginning is what helped me push past the 21 days I needed to form my new exercise habit. I'm not holding myself accountable to anyone right now, yet I'm still exercising.

Patience

I am a 38 year old woman who has grown, birthed and nursed two babies. I wasn't exercising at all for YEARS. Women's fat cells like to stay put. All that, and I still gotta eat. Therefor, weight loss is not proving easy for me.

Still, I know I am doing good things for my body and that keeps me trying. I'm not on a fad diet, I'm making lifestyle changes for the long-term. I feel good about that.

You need to have patience both with yourself and the process. There is no point in beating yourself up if you decide to eat a cookie, nor to throw in the towel on your exercise routine because you don't think you're seeing results fast enough. Just keep swimming. Hey, swimming is great exercise!

Bottom line (Ha ha - bottom):

• Feel it
• Choose it
• Do it
• Tell someone
• Be patient

Do you have any tips or tricks to motivate yourself or others into healthy habits?

Coping Mechanisms

Are you OK?

I have no idea how many times EACH DAY I ask my husband that question.

But I know it's a lot.

While he's still sleeping (if I think he's breathing funny).

Mark.....are you OK?

Shortly after he gets up.

How are you, Honey?

If he starts yawning a lot or can't finish a sentence which could mean his blood sugar is getting low.

Do you need to eat?

When he grunts, groans or moans.

Are you OK??

__________

I worry about Mark. So much.

It's not as if I don't have ample reason to worry. The fact that his heart stopped 6 times in 2 years is enough. Not to mention diabetes and dialysis.

So you can understand why I might not jump for joy when we get a little bit of good news. I may think "well that's good", but I don't feel all that much relief.

We recently found out that Mark's heart pump function has improved since his arrhythmia trauma last March. At that time it was functioning at only 25%, but now it is up to 45%.

This is good news and I spread it, because I know the people who care about us want to know these updates.

On our family Facebook page:

Which I also shared to my personal page. I then posted on my blog fan page where it got 13 likes and a couple of comments. I tweeted and got a few excited replies.

But do you see above how I merely stated the results? No expressions of excitement, no !!! or :-).

It's because there's just a lot to factor in. Sure, this is a bit of good news, but.....

The thing is, too much has happened. Mark has too many health problems that pose various threats to his stability for me to naively celebrate ONE good test result.

This does nothing to reassure me of how much longer my husband will live. How much longer he can push back against all that is trying its damnedest to shove him to the ground.

Mark is an amazing and inspirational testament to the strength of the human spirit!

But....

So sue me if I can't be excited that his heart pump is stronger.. I have to look at the whole picture. I have to keep my head out of the clouds.

I have to be only cautiously optimistic. It's a coping mechanism.

I fear it may come off as cold and callous. That is the opposite of what I really feel. In fact, I feel so much, that if I don't employ a way to deal, I'll absolutely end up a puddle on the floor.

Maybe what some see as cold or callous, is actually strength.

Strength and self-preservation. Because watching someone you love so much suffer with health problems, as well as live with the fear of losing them, hurts. It hurts bad.

There is a constant battle going on inside me to find a balance between the stress and fear on one hand, and the gratitude and joy that my husband is still with us on the other.

So I feel and process. I deal and find gratitude. I self-preserve and I get stronger.

Or it's really just fear and denial. I honestly don't know which. Could be both or all.

All I know is I have my ways of coping. Right, wrong or indifferent....

The Calm After the Storm

Well, I *think* things have calmed down now.

For me and my loved ones, March roared in like a lion with my husband Mark being hospitalized. Things looked bad enough that everyone thought he was dying. Including me.

We braced ourselves for the worst. But Mark had other plans. I truly believe he decided, "Nu uh, I'm not going anywhere yet!"

He rallied and we brought him home after 13 days in the hospital. Everyone was amazed and grateful, yet still very worried this might only be a temporary reprieve. There were so many conversations exploring the what ifs and Mark's wishes, home health and in-office appointments, crying and holding each other.

We went to a follow-up appointment where Mark's cardiologist said to stop worrying, he was doing well now.

Really? Oh. Small sigh of relief.

Only a small sigh of relief because both of us still had this nagging suspicion that it wasn't that cut and dry. How could it possibly be, considering ALL of Mark's co-existing conditions?

A couple of weeks later, at the beginning of April, we sought the opinion of an arrhythmia specialist, who confirmed that there was still something to worry about. He gave us a different diagnosis and said Mark should have an ICD, an Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator. Without one, his heart could go into Ventricular Tachycardia at any time and there may not be enough time get him help if he's at home.

He had the surgery last week. Now that Mark has an ICD, if his heart goes into V-Tach, the device will shock it back into a regular rhythm, or shock his heart back into any rhythm if it stops. At least that's what it's supposed to do.

While we now feel like we have a bit of an insurance policy, if you will, we're still not wholly relieved.

This is better than the alternative and we are grateful.

However, we are still left with so many what ifs, concerns, worries and questions. The thing is, though, they're all things we simply cannot know, cannot do anything about....besides do our very best to take good care of Mark. The rest is unknown.

The past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion, confusion, fear, uncertainty....and hope. It's been overwhelming at times. Not only adding yet another condition to the list of what Mark battles, but also the realization confirmation that he is indeed mortal. That has rocked Mark to his core.

With what we've been facing I felt inspired to renew our vows. I told my friends who were very excited and began making plans. But I just decided to cancel it.

Remember the post I published from Mark last Wednesday? It was in response to another post I wrote at the end of January. Those two posts, along with all the heart-to-heart talks we've been having lately, have shown me that he and I have been saying all the things we need to say to each other already. I know we both know how we feel about each other.

Not only that, but I just want to BREATHE right now. I want to be calm, get centered and find our new normal, which is continuing to evolve. Mark needs to heal and see how strong he is (or isn't). I know he really wants to go back to work at some point, even if not in the same position. I know I don't want him to push himself. I think gone are the days when he needs to push himself.

So here I am, breathing. Just breathing.

Hospital Hour

On Thursday, May 3, 2012 from 4:45-5:45 PM:

1. Sitting in the cath lab waiting room, after getting the details of the procedure from Mark's doctor, my father and I wait to be escorted to where Mark will be staying for the night.

2. As soon as he sees me, Mark reaches for my Starbucks cup because he's so thirsty. And hungry. The nurse starts pushing his bed toward the elevators and I hurry to keep up asking, "Hey, where you going with my coffee?"

3. Up on the third floor I am pleased to find that Mark gets a private room. 336. I watch as he moves from the OR bed to the room bed, wanting to help somehow, but there are already two nurses right there.

4. The nurses adjust the bed, fluff the pillows and give Mark an ice pack for the incision site. I'm leaning on the wall at the foot of his bed and when I step away, I cause a plastic body board that was also leaning on the wall to fall over. Oops.

5. Over at the large window I place my purse and Kindle on the sill and listen as the nurses buzz around doing their duties, admitting Mark to the floor. One tells him to do something and he flat out says no. I may or may not have scolded him a little to not give them a hard time.

6. A round, grey-haired nurse enters to do the intake. Or as it's more aptly described, ask you every question under the sun making you feel like you're selling your soul. Do you drink, smoke, do recreational drugs (isn't drinking and smoking recreational too?), have regular bowel movements or ever exceed the speed limit? How many surgeries have you had? Um, how much time do you have?

7. Mark is starving...TO DEATH. He really wants to call an order in for food but this woman keeps asking him questions. Finally she realizes this and tells him to go ahead, that she can ask me instead. Oh yippee! Mark scratches his head for a few more minutes trying to figure out what someone who's on a diabetic and heart healthy diet will be allowed to eat. Turns out, a French dip sandwich and fries without salt is alright. Go figure.

8. The nurses finish their tasks and food arrives promptly. I am relieved Mark is getting to eat because his blood sugar was only 74 and we already dealt with a low that day. As he eats, I flip through a brochure about the device that now resides in Mark's chest. Looking at the illustrations I can see why the shape of a love heart is what it is; real hearts do somewhat look like one. In an abstract sort of way.

9. I check the time. It's nearly 5:45, going on 6:00. Thinking about the kids, and my dad's yawning next to me, we should leave soon. But I hesitate. It's gotten easier over the years, but I will never like leaving my husband at the hospital by himself, while I get to return to the comfort of our home. It's hard in a different way now, though. Now I am traumatized by terrifying middle-of-the-night phone calls that something scary is happening to Mark.

10. I shake the scary thoughts away. Literally shaking my head a little. Mark sounds perfectly alright with my leaving. I tell him to be good and that I love him. Love you too....bye....call if you need me....I'll have the kids call to say goodnight....one more I love you....

Inspired by "An Hour in a Day" at Stacey's Mothering Moments

Submitting this to the Yeah Write #56 Challenge Grid.

Questions

My head is spinning and I just gotta type some stuff out to try to help clear....things....up...?

I don't know if that's possible.

OK. Mark's nephrologist (kidney/dialysis doctor) was really bothered while he was in the hospital that Mark's cardiologists may not have been doing their due diligence for him. He was very concerned that they seemed to want to just send Mark home to die, when they hadn't called any arrhythmia specialists in to see him.

Since being discharged from the hospital Mark's nephrologist has found a specialist who can see him. Apparently this doctor has gone over Mark's charts and thinks he did NOT suffer Atrial Fibrillation.

What?? WTF happened, then? SOMETHING happened to Mark's heart. SOMETHING caused it to stop MORE THAN ONCE, and SOMETHING made everyone think he might not survive.

But we cannot get answers to these questions until we see this new doctor on April 9. Twelve more days.

I need to lay out the series of events.

• 2/28 - Had tooth fragments pulled
• 2/29 - Felt really tired and crappy
• 3/1 - Went to dialysis in the morning where his heart rate first spiked. Went to ER to get this checked out. Heart rate and blood pressure were normal, but was admitted for observation.
• 3/2 - Somewhere around 2:00 - 3:00 AM his blood sugar is real low, then his heart rate spikes, blood pressure bottoms out and heart stops. Is shocked, intubated and moved to ICU.
• 3/2 - 3/4 - Remains intubated and sedated and on IV meds to support his blood pressure and keep his heart rate from spiking.
• 3/4 - Breathing tube comes out and wakes up. Sore throat (from tube) and coughing a lot. Heart rate is till erratic, but not dangerously high.
• 3/5 - Coughing gets worse until around 9:00 PM when his stats go wonky and his heart stops again. Use meds to get it going but has to be re-intubated.
• 3/5 - 3/7 Find out he has staph in is lungs (pneumonia). Remains intubated and sedated and on IV meds to support his blood pressure and keep his heart rate under control. Spend this time thinking Mark may not survive this.
• Night of 3/7 - Let him wake up and be extubated again. I explain the situation to him and he too thinks this might be it.
• 3/8 - Have a huge family meeting about possibly needed hospice care. No cardiologist in attendance. Nephrologist comes in and is appalled that everyone wants to send Mark home to die. We have his cardiologist paged. When he comes he says there's nothing they can do to fix Mark's heart. He says he consulted with 2 arrhythmia specialists who concurred.
• 3/9 - We think Mark is rallying, but there's still nothing they can do to fix the problem so he's probably going to get worse and worse. Nephrologist is still insistent that he needs to see a specialist.
• 3/10 - Mark is doing well enough to leave ICU late that day.
• 3/11-3/13 - Stable and ready to go home but it takes a long time to figure out what the plan is. Get home afternoon of 3/13.

Since we've been home Mark has been stable. He's still struggling to get all the fluid off that the hospital packed on him. We have been and are in this weird limbo place where we're trying to go on with life, with major changes, while constantly worrying about Mark possibly dying.

Again, today we hear that the specialist Mark will be going to see doesn't think the problem was A-Fib. And this is supposedly good news, because I guess non-A-Fib arrhythmia can maybe be helped with a pacemaker...?

I don't understand why we needed to be teased with this little bit of info when the doctor hasn't actually SEEN Mark, only his charts, and we don't get to meet him for twelve more days.

How the HELL do we not sit around wondering our brains out about what is really going on with Mark's heart?

Nope. I'm no clearer on anything.

And probably just confused the hell out of anyone reading this. Sorry about that. Welcome to my world.

Tomorrow we're going to see Mark's regular cardiologist and I expect will be pressing him pretty hard for some explanations. Mark is not happy with him at this point. All I know is I need answers. I need to know if my husband is going to live or die.

What can I say?

What's that I've got up there as my tagline? My life is a roller coaster? Yeah. That.

Not only that, but there are roller coasters WITHIN the roller coaster of life. The past two weeks have taken me on one helluva ride.

And it's not even over.

I'm not even going to be coy with placing links within my sentences. Here is a list of what I've written since the first of the month:

• My Husband is in Critical Care
• A Critical Listcle
• Still Critical
• TGIF - 3/9
• A Sick Heart

Today I am trying to process everything. After thinking my husband was about to die, I got to bring Mark home yesterday. I am amazed, overwhelmed, happy, stunned....and thinking WTF??

WTF because, WTF just happened? HOW-TF did he survive what he went through? And, WHERE-TF is this going to take us from here?

I need to be clear. It is amazing, and quite possibly another freaking miracle, that Mark is home with us right now. But he is still sick. He is currently stable, but that could change at any moment. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. His heart is seriously compromised by heart attacks, Atrial Fibrillation and CHF (Congestive Heart Failure), not to mention STOPPING several times now. He is on some strong ass drugs to try to prevent A-Fib and blood clots. Pile that all on top of his Diabetes and dialysis and my husband is indeed sicker than he was on February 29th. He will not be returning to work and legally he is not allowed to drive for at least 6 months after coding. Our lives are changed.

But Mark is STILL ALIVE, for crying out loud! His mother was convinced this was it. I was almost convinced.

I feel so many things that I don't know if I can adequately articulate right now. Some people have felt anger over what is happening to Mark. I refuse to waste this time I have with him on anger. I'm also trying not to be sad over what almost happened, or even that it could still happen. I don't need to feel sad until it DOES happen. I feel blessed and awed and happy that I got to bring him home. Home to his kids. This was honestly the best possible outcome, and we got it.

What I need to work through right now is stress and fear. Stress over the changes (financial, logistical, medical). And fear of the "what ifs". What if he codes here at home? What if he dies in his sleep right next to me? What if something scary happens in front of the children? Can I ever leave him alone? And what if I lose him forever?

Another thing I feel is immense GRATITUDE. Yes, grateful that Mark came through this. But the outpouring of love, support and help has overwhelmed me! "Thank you" doesn't feel like enough. I keep saying it, and it's just not doing it for me.

All of our parents came. Mark's sister and nieces came. My aunt was at the hospital every day. My uncle and a couple of cousins came. Mark's co-workers at Home Depot have been so generous. And my best girlfriends, who spent more than one night at the hospital with me, who made sure my kids were well taken care of and who cried with me. To have people in your life who are YOUR advocates while you're busy advocating for your spouse, is a tremendous gift.

Lest I forget, all the comments and tweets from those of you who read me have truly helped to bouy me and make me smile in the midst of some scary shit. Sorry, but swearing about this feels kinda good.

See? This stuff I'm saying sounds totally inadequate. Maybe I can do better expressing my feelings as time goes on.

A Sick Heart

I am sitting here to blog when I should be going to bed. We "spring forward" in a few hours, losing an hour of sleep, which is really the last thing I need right now.

But this is the first quiet, alone time I've had in days. I need to write about what's happening. It helps me process. I honestly don't think I can go to bed without doing it.

The basic update is this: Mark was moved out of the ICU to the regular cardiac care floor on Saturday around 6:00 PM. Since having his second breathing tube removed late on Wednesday he has made improvements. His heart rate and blood pressure have remained stable. With lots of medication. He is on an antiarrhythmic called Amiodarone to help control Atrial Fibrillation. He has also been put on a very strong blood thinner, Warfarin (Coumadin), to help control blood clots that can result from A-Fib. Mark's heart is enlarged (Cardiomyopathy). Further, he is in congestive heart failure.

All those complicated terms and meds boil down to one simply fact: Mark's heart is super sick.

If I list EVERYTHING wrong with my husband, it's overwhelming:

Type 1 Diabetes (insulin dependent)
End Stage Renal Disease (kidney failure)
Peripheral Vascular Disease (veins)
Neuropathy (loss of feeling in his lower extremities)
Coronary Artery Disease (has had 2 heart attacks & double bypass)
Arrhythmia
Cardiomyopathy
Congestive Heart Failure
and prone to staph infection

Everything stems from Diabetes. He has been dealing with it since age 9. Obviously what is most troubling at this juncture are all his heart problems. I have talked at length about the night of Mark's bypass surgery and that his heart stopped 3 times. In this past week, Mark's heart has stopped twice more.

Before last Thursday, We didn't know that things were so serious. I, at least, naively thought Mark's heart would be good to go for many years after having bypass. It's been only a year and a half.

In this past week I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband's life may come to an end at any moment.

I have also talked before about how I have known for a long time that I would outlive Mark. But until now, it was all "what if" and theory and probability. Now it's reality.

When Mark was extubated on Wednesday, I had to inform him that there's nothing more than medication that can be done for him. There are no surgeries. No cures. His diseases have taken their toll.

His first question was, "How long?" I couldn't give him an answer, and neither can the doctors.

I had to tell him I wasn't even sure he'd be leaving the hospital.

He said, "I have to go home."

Mark and I had to host a family meeting on Thursday morning to go over what our options are with hospital staff. We discussed end of life issues such as when to stop trying and hospice.

Everyone has their opinions on these issues. I had to look my husband in the face and ask him what HE wants.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to keep fighting for us, his loved ones, for his children. He's sad.

We filled out a Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney papers. We spent some time talking about songs that have had meaning in his life, about how he'd like a service for him to be.

These are not conversations any wife wants to have with her husband.

Right now, Mark is rallying, and it's wonderful. I have spent as much time with him as I could physically handle since he got off the breathing tube. I am so grateful for it. Everyone who loves him is. Nearly everyone who loves him has come to see him, from both near and far. And there are still more.

It is overwhelming, dizzying, amazing, sad and inspiring all at the same time. I am so proud of my husband. So proud of his shear determination to squeeze every drop out of life that he can. He understands what is happening, but he's not going without a fight. And none of us would expect anything less from Mark.

For myself....oh God. I have sobbed til it hurt and I have laughed til it hurt. I am bouyed by all the mass amounts of love, care, concern, well-wishes, help, prayers, hope, laughter and togetherness. I know I am not alone and that is awesome.

My kids are doing OK so far, although they are missing me. Especially AJ. He doesn't understand why I'm spending so much time at the hospital. I've told him that he and Cami need me, but so does Daddy, and I'm trying to divide my time. I have basically been home some every other day. ALL of there grandparents are here right now, their aunt too, and their cousins just flew in tonight. I think they shouldn't be thinking about me at all, right? Well, it's kind of nice to know that even with all that attention and fun, they might still miss their mom.

Mark and I are being bombarded with lots of information and opinions. But I think we are doing a damn good job of filtering it all and remaining focused on each other and our kids. We're gonna love each other through this, see where it takes us and have no regrets.

It's late and I should go to bed. I just have so much more I could say! But there is time for that. I know I will say all I need to say as I need to say it. For now, I am taking each day as it comes, loving and being loved.

TGIF: Not Perfect BEES Edition

First, I'm sure those who have been following along with me this week and know about my husband's current health crisis would like an update. He is still in critical care. He has gotten a little better since Wednesday, responding to antibiotics for pneumonia. However, his heart is still very sick. The goal for today is to wean him off IV meds and replace them with pills. Last time they did that, on Monday, he ended up having to go back on a breathing tube. There is apparently an issue with the stomach lining in diabetics that can prevent them from properly absorbing things. We are hoping so hard that he can be on the pills!

* * *

I hope you all don't think I'm crazy for going through with my regular TGIF post. I didn't last week. But this week is a very busy TGIF. I have a guest here.....and I'm a guest somewhere. It's all a little convoluted, I think. But like I said in my guest post for....wait for it......Let's BEE Friends (squee!), even in the face of crisis life is still going on around you, and you have to go on with it.

See why I couldn't not post today? Bruna is featuring me for Let's BEE Friends! So, PLEASE go over there and see what I have to say to her awesome readers....AFTER you read on below....

* * *

I also have a FABULOUS lady gal woman chic here to regale you with what makes her happy. I am beyond thrilled that Holly from Holly's House agreed to be here today! She is so freaking funny. And kind of irreverent. And a little ballsy. I love her. Oh, and she has a brand new blog design, so you gotta go check it out!

When sweet Jennifer asked me to write for her about what makes me happy, it really took me a while to get to it. And not just because I'm a lazy ass who somehow has to take care of a household with four children and a husband, but because so many things make me happy...how on Earth could I pick just one? I felt like that would be the same as lying to you fine fine folks, and I never tell a lie*...

So my solution? A list! If you know me-and if you don't may I just interject right here and ask why the fuck not?- then you know I love me a good list...so here you go...

1. Padded seats at church. Yes, my church has them....because there's nothing like cushioning the strain that religious devotion can bring upon one's soul...

2. Two ply toilet paper. This totally makes me happy. And I'll admit it's not something I think of often, yet the other day I was a friend's house and my poor vagina was subject to that grainy, not soft, harsh harsh paper. I'm a hard working woman and I deserve two ply...

3. Those weird ingrown hairs on your legs. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like when you shave and those hairs get trapped under the skin on your calf? And then when you're sitting on the couch watching True Life on MTV you notice one but can't quite get it, so you get a needle and dig it out? Then you notice a bunch more because your razor was dull and by the time the show is over your leg looks massacred? Yeah, that makes me happy...

4. Hoarders. I love me some Hoarders. Hoarders make me happy. And not because I want people to live with 40 dead cats under the 20 tons of old bills and banana peels or with 2 year old fossilized poop in their non working toilet, but because my cluttery home all of a sudden looks like it could be Architectural Digest. Do I have crunched up goldfish on the kitchen floor? Sure do. Do I have smears of toothpaste on the walls in the kid's bathroom? You bet your sweet ass I do. But I don't have a room filled exclusively with used adult diapers that are years old...let's all say it together....eeewwwwww!

5. Other people telling me how great I am. Like Jennifer. Like when she emailed me and asked if I would guest for her because she loves me and adores me....sure, maybe the person she really wanted cancelled, but whatever...true sucking up or total fake sucking up? Doesn't matter to this bitch...it makes me happy...

What makes you happy? And feel free to say me...ahem...

*that's totally a lie

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Um, Holly, there was nobody else I wanted for today who cancelled, my friend! And if you had said naa, writing a post about stuff that makes me happy is really not something I want to do, I probably would've cried. And maybe hated you forever.* But you said yes and here you are and everyone is happy!

*or not, I dunno, one can't predict these things

Write a post, grab the button ---> and link up! Linky is open all weekend.

It's always good etiquette when you join a link-up to check out the other posts, leave comments and such, right? Well, I especially need you guys to do me the favor of doing that this week, since I will be indisposed dealing with my life. Thank you so much!

Still Critical

First and again, thank you all so much for being such wonderful people who leave incredibly warm and heartfelt comments for me here. I assure you I am seeing every single one and they are deeply appreciated.

I need to let you all know that Mark took a turn for the worse Monday night. He had to be re-intubated and sedated, as well as put back on all the supporting meds for his heart rate and blood pressure. They've also found staph in what he was coughing up. We're currently waiting on results of a blood culture to know if the staph is in his bloodstream. His heart may be infected with staph. But I don't actually know that yet.

My husband is very, very sick. You know he is a Type 1 Diabetic on dialysis. Those are his "health problems". But now, he is just plain sick.

We don't know if Mark can recover from this. It is just wait and see right now.

I am very scared, but also holding up. My kids asked me the tough questions last night. I was as honest with them as I needed to be.

The kids and I got some good sleep together last night. I needed that, and to be with them.

I don't know what today holds. I'm simply hoping for more information and understanding, as well as grace to handle all of this.

I have a huge support system all around me. Both my and Mark's parents are either already here or on their way. I have wonderful friends, my dad and extended family, as well as this sweet online community.

I know I am not alone!

If you are so inclined, I am asking for your thoughts, prayers, vibes and energy towards what is BEST FOR MARK. Not what we want. What is simply the right things for him.

Thank you so much.

My husband is in critical care.

I'm so sorry for not having a TGIF post this weekend, but there's just no way I can write about happy things right now.

Well, except to say I'm happy my husband is alive.

Thursday morning while at dialysis he experienced a rapid heart rate. His nurse there told him she thought he needed to get checked out. When he came home we called his cardiologist's office and a nurse there said it sounded like atrial fibbrillation and yeah, he should get checked out.

So we made arrangements for the kids and headed to the ER early Thursday afternoon. Mark didn't display any symptoms the entire time in the ER. Labs showed elevated cardiac enzymes, however, so they opted to hold him overnight for obsveration.

Very glad for that because sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 AM his heart rate spiked again and his blood pressure bottomed out. It got so bad that his heart actually stopped.

They restarted it and transferred him to cardiac critical care. Mark has been intubated and sedated since then, on pressors to keep his blood pressure up and another medication for the rapid heart rate. It's Saturday morning as I'm writing this.

The plan for today is to TRY and lesson the pressor meds and give him a long, slow dialysis treatment. I'm not sure about the breathing tube or when they might try to extubate him.

Mark has congestive heart failure. His heart pump is weak and we think it's trying to compensate by going into A-Fib. I see it like his heart is confused as to what it's supposed to be doing.

There's a delicate balance the doctors need to find between dialysis and his blood pressure. Dialysis will help his heart by removing fluid and potassium, yet it can also make his blood pressure drop. This is why they will do a slow and gentle treatment.

I was up from 3:00 AM Friday morning, arriving at the hospital before 5:00. They actually told me I should come in because of how unstable he was at the time. That phone call is THE SCARIEST call you can get. It's horrific to be at home and get a call from the hospital that your husband might be dying. And this wasn't even the first time that's happened to me.

Last night I slept on the couch with the TV on low, with my glasses still on and my cell phone right next to my head. I'm a bit of a wreck. Everything is making me cry.

What I'm trying really hard to do right now is stop my brain from thinking about the thousands of variables and concerns about what this all means. Whether he recovers from this or not...if he does, will he be sicker than he already was? And if the worst happens.....

But like I said, trying so hard not to think about all of that, to focus on TODAY, each minute if I have to.

One of the hardest things about going through medical crisis is that life continues to go on around you. The kids still have school, the house still needs to be cleaned up, laundry still needs to be done and bills have to get paid. I have to worry about all of that.

Thankfully I have an excellent support system. I have fabulous friends and sweet family. Gosh, that is half of what makes me emotional.

Well, my kids are home, so I'll sign off now.

I Am Grateful for You

We can do no great things, only small things with great love.

~Mother Teresa

I have written entire posts about, or alluded to, my husband’s health problems and more specifically his heart attack and bypass surgery no less than 15 times since last September. That’s an average of 2.4 times per week.

I write about gratitude regularly.

However, I have never written about my gratitude surrounding the events of last Fall.

I think I should.

Disclaimer:
I am not by any means grateful that Mark had another heart attack requiring double bypass surgery. I am not grateful that he had a septic staph infection surrounding his heart. And I am not grateful his heart stopped 3 times. Nor am I grateful for the 2 weeks he spent in the hospital and the total of 8 weeks he spent on antibiotics and with sternal precautions. Along these lines, I am actually grateful that the doctors found a bone infection in a toe on his left foot and amputated it so it couldn’t get any worse.

What I am truly grateful for are the PEOPLE in our lives, those who were there for us in so many ways.

Mark drove himself to the ER and when we found out they needed to look at his heart my dad went to the hospital since I was home with my kids. My poor dad had to be the one to call and tell me it was bad and they needed to do surgery the next day. For some reason my aunt and grandma were there with my dad and my aunt came and got me and my kids so I could be at the hospital to sign papers and get all the information. I am grateful for their immediate logistical help and support.

Right after I spoke with my father I called my friend Jessica crying. She was in the middle of trying to celebrate her husband’s adoption of her son. I felt horrible that another drama of mine was interfering with that. But because Jess is so sweet, she simply shifted gears and contacted our mutual friends to tell them the news and start rallying the troops. When I talked to her again later that night and couldn’t articulate what kind of help I needed, she seemed to just know. I am grateful for Jessica’s calmness and intuitiveness.

I try very hard to keep my kids from being burdened by their dad’s health problems. They operated on Mark first thing in the morning, but I wasn’t at the hospital for it. I decided to be home with my kids to get them off to school so they could have a normal day. That was probably for the best too, because I would’ve just been a nervous wreck at the hospital. I am grateful for my children because they give me equally important things to focus on when we have these crisis.

After taking the time to focus on my kids in the morning, I was then able to hand them off to my friends Carin and Roxy. When my friends have my kids I know I don’t need to worry about them a bit. Carin got my kids and Jessica’s kids off their buses (because Jess was with me). Roxy ended up staying with my kids until very late that night. I am grateful for my fellow mom friends who care for my kids and give me peace of mind. I am also grateful for their teamwork.

The day of Mark’s surgery Jessica took me to the hospital and stayed with me for the rest of the day and into “the night from hell”. Most of the day was fairly typical I guess. Just spending time by Mark’s bedside and getting reports from his doctors and nurses. My dad and aunt were also there some. We all spent the time talking about things, planning logistics for me and the kids, updating other family and friends and thinking everything was going to be just fine. I am grateful for the companionship.

About 9:00 that night I decided I should probably go home. Jessica and I were maybe halfway when the hospital’s spiritual counselor called to tell me I should come back because Mark had coded and been resuscitated. When we got back, I asked Jessica to come with me to Mark’s room. I’m pretty sure that was the last thing she wanted to do, but she did. After I saw Mark, Jess held me while I cried and held my hand while people talked to me. Carin showed up a little while later. I was sitting in the waiting room with the 2 of them and on the phone with my mom when the counselor came out and told me Mark had coded and been resuscitated again and that I needed to go in there and have a little talk with him. I am grateful that I had 2 people I trust physically with me, my mom praying for us and this wise lady telling me to suck it up and be strong for Mark.

I am so very grateful for Mark’s nurse and doctors that night who saved his life 3 times.

In the days that followed Jessica organized childcare, rides and a mini food drive for my family. Several people contributed food and household items we needed. Jess also cleaned up my house a bit because my in-laws were coming and even carted her 3 and my 2 kids to a Girl Scout meeting. Carin, through the job she had at the time, arranged a discount on hotel rooms for Mark’s parents. J Ho cried with me on the phone, wishing so badly she lived closer. Our friends and family were at our service for whatever we needed. I am so grateful for this.

In the weeks that followed our family and friends continued to show their support by visiting Mark in the hospital, with rides to and from the hospital for me, spending time with my kids, checking on us and how we were doing with Mark’s IV antibiotics, taking Mark to and from dialysis and follow-up appointments…..

I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR ALL OF THIS.

People need people.

"Independence"... [is] middle-class blasphemy.
We are all dependent on one another, every soul of us on earth.

~G.B. Shaw, Pygmalion, 1912

150th Post!

Does this mean I'm a full-fledged blogger?  I sure hope so!

* * * * * 

I have been sitting on this wonderful quote from Marianne Williamson.  She says some really amazing things.

"Go forth in confidence and go forth in peace. For there are angels to your left and angels to your right, angels in front of you and angels behind you, angels above you and angels below. You are loved, and you are not alone..."

  Confidence....peace....angels all around....loved....not alone....  Have you ever heard anything more lovely?

I completely believe in angels.  I have no idea if they look anything like all the angel figurines I collect, though.

Got her for my birthday this year

I don't care what they look like in the slightest.  I just care that they're there.  I know they are.  I've had many a moment where I'm certain an angel must have whispered in my ear.

And then there are Mark's angels.  They work overtime!  Last September when Mark had his bypass surgery, my friends, family and I were all joking about it.  We decided he must have some pretty bad ass angels.  Jessica made a cover for Mark's heart pillow to reflect the bad-ass-ness.

Before

After

Angels are God's minions.

Marianne's quote makes me feel so good and happy and comforted.

What comforts you?

"I'm 5 Years Old Now"

My little boy is so.....I don't even know what word to use.  He kills me!

All the way back to babyhood AJ has had this habit of sucking his thumb and playing with my hair.  Say what you want about thumb-sucking, but let me tell you, I have been so grateful he had a way to self-soothe after my daughter who didn't.  AJ has been much easier to put down to sleep and just didn't cry as much in general.  The hair thing started sometime while nursing and it just became his thing to suck his left thumb and touch my hair with his right hand while cuddling, tired or sad.

He has never been an incessant thumb-sucker, only did it when appropriate.  He never sucked his thumb in the middle of playing nor did he try to eat around it (yes, I've seen a kid do this).  Therefore, I've always been completely fine with it and knew that he would grow out of it and stop when he was ready.  Mark, on the other hand, has not been as OK with it as I have and has said things to AJ like, "you're getting too big to keep sucking your thumb", in spite of my insistence in my confidence that it wouldn't last forever.  But that's my husband for you, has to express his opinion no matter what!

Last night as I was sitting with AJ at bedtime he showed me what a big, smart and thoughtful boy he is.  He reached out for my hair but then stopped.  I thought maybe it was because I had it tied in a bun so I asked him if he wanted to play with my hair.  He said no and I asked if he was sure.  He said, "no, I have to try not to."  I said, "you do? why?"  He said, "because I'm 5 years old now".

I said, "oh sweetie, you're such a big boy!"

And then my heart broke a little.

I have loved my cuddly little boy who would sit in my lap, suck his thumb and play with my hair.  He's been the BEST cuddler!  He had already been doing the hair thing less with me since I cut mine short last spring.  He's been playing with his sister's hair a lot since then.  Not only did he not touch my hair last night, but he also didn't suck his thumb.  I knew he would grow out of it when he was ready and until then there was nothing wrong with something that helped him feel safe and secure.

I honestly don't know whether to be sad or proud.  I guess it's both.  Aah, what's a mommy to do?

Oh, when I came downstairs and told Mark about AJ's little epiphany, he said he feels bad for saying anything to him, that he didn't really know if he should be stopping.  I of course said I told ya so.  Don't argue with maternal instinct, man!

"In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores,

child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything.

You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage."

~Bill Cosby, Fatherhood, 1986

Diabetes is Dumb

That's putting it mildly, but I have this aversion to swearing on the Internet so I try not to.

Diabetes is an insidious disease that kills you slowly over time.  That is the honest to God truth.  Even if you take excellent care of yourself, if you have Diabetes some complication which it causes will most likely lead to your demise.  I don't even want to list all the problems that can crop up because it is too long and depressing, but suffice it to say, Diabetes is the leading cause of blindness and kidney disease, two very terrible and permanent afflictions.

I married a man with Type 1 Diabetes and over the years have been watching it take its toll on him.  It actually started its insidiousness in Mark before I met him.  He was diagnosed at age 9 and by 25 he was legally blind, had lessening kidney function and neuropathy had begun in this feet.  Once his kidneys failed he was blessed to receive a kidney and pancreas transplant which commenced a 6 year reprieve from Diabetes.  There is a lot that goes into taking care of transplanted organs too, which can make it feel like you've traded one disease for another, but it was indeed a healthy time.  We got married and had a baby during those years.

Mark has been back on dialysis and insulin since winter of 2002, another 9 years now, and there isn't much hope for a second transplant due to antibodies in his system from the first set of organs.  The other problem is, Diabetes and dialysis have caused complications with his heart which ultimately led to his double bypass last September (after several angiograms, angioplasty and stent placements failed), and one very important thing you need in order to undergo transplant surgery is a strong heart.  So he has been listed as active and inactive on the transplant list over and over since 2003.  Each time an "abnormality" shows up on a heart stress test, he is deactivated, then after treatment and a clear heart stress test he is reactivated.

I'm pretty sure one's heart can be strong enough for surgery after bypass, but there's still the antibody issue.  Therefor, in my mind Mark will likely live this way for the rest of his life.  However, one never actually voices this to him.  He still focuses on the possibility of another transplant because it gives him hope.  I can't argue with that, nor should I try.  Taking away some one's hope is cruel.  And despite everything Mark goes through he is one of the most positive and upbeat individuals I have ever known.  It's one of the qualities that makes me love him and how he has taught me so much.

Case in point: sometimes Mark goes through phases of insulin sensitivity.  Meaning he can get low, have an insulin reaction, easily and for no apparent reason.  He seems to be in such a phase right now (which is why I started this post).  The night of my birthday this past Saturday, after a great day in Leavenworth and eating plenty of food (too much if you ask me), Mark ran to Walmart to return a movie and get me a bottle of wine and proceeded to get low while there.  I had a strong feeling something was wrong because this little errand was taking way too long.  He realized he was low himself when he stumbled and bumped into a few people.  They asked him if he was OK and he said his blood sugar was low.  Someone got him some orange juice, he drank it and was feeling better, so he got my wine (and a box of cereal because he thought it might look weird to be low and buy just wine).  But he didn't make it out the door because his sugar was still too low so someone called 911.  Paramedics/EMTs helped him and even drove he and his car home.  I'm not proud, but I was really angry for a little while, not understanding how this could've happened.  Mark tried to reach out to me but I pushed him away.  But, I didn't want the day to end on such a crappy note, so I suggested we find something funny to watch.

Mark spent yesterday afternoon hanging curtain rods in our and Cami's rooms.  At 4:30 he realized he needed to eat and he did.  Then we had dinner around 6:30.  Between 9-9:30 he was getting low again.  He said he hadn't taken a bolus of insulin with dinner because he didn't eat much carbs.  While in the kitchen trying to fix himself something to eat his sugar crashed to the point where he was totally out of it and couldn't stand up anymore.  He had made some toast so I moved it to the table hoping he'd go sit down at it to eat.  I tried to help him walk but he wouldn't let me.  I kept trying to help.  He still wouldn't let me, even though he was about to fall flat on his face.  Thankfully he manged to just slide down to the floor, but not without totally fighting it first.

Once he was safely sitting on the floor I stuck a straw in the cup of milk he had poured and tried to help him drink, but he kept leaning away from me.  I started to get scared that he was going to remain uncooperative and yelled at him to just freaking drink the damn milk already!  He then decided I needed to give him the cup so he could do it himself.  I loathe giving him a cup of liquid when he's low because he will most likely spill it, which he proceeded to do because he kept moving the cup around trying to keep it away from me even though I had backed off.  Mark is like a drunk 2 year old when his blood sugar gets so low!  He was yelling at me to let go of the cup (I had) then he spilled it and I burst into tears, crying as I sopped up milk.

Sometimes if I get upset during an insulin reaction he will hear it and it will make him think just clear enough to actually start consuming something.  He chugged what was left of the milk and I gave him the toast he had made and got him more milk, crying the whole time.  Once I knew he was getting sustenance I went to the bathroom for tissue...and to keep crying in private.  Sometimes I cry out of utter frustration with the way Mark is behaving.  And I was frustrated, but it was more than that.  I was crying so much due to fear.  Yeah it's irritating, then on the flip side, kind of funny after the fact.  But it's also very disconcerting to see Mark be completely different from his normal self....not to mention where my thoughts invariably lead me....this is hurting him....he could die if I can't help him....please God, help me make him better.

Now here's the kicker.  He's feeling a bit better and sits down at the table to just chill.  I'm sitting on the couch and keep looking over at him, asking if he's doing OK.  One time he says he's wishing something would just go his way for once.  Well this hurts my heart so I go over and comfort him.  The next thing he says is "but I'm so grateful".  Grateful?  Now?  What for?  "Because you're here", he says.

I am here.  I am 100% here with Mark, and our kids.  This is what I do, who I am.  Even as I often hate Mark's health problems, want to scream and throw things and not do it anymore, I am completely in love with my family.  How do I reconcile these conflicting emotions?  Hell, life is a massive jumble of conflicting emotions!  All I can do, all any of us can do, is focus on the good, laugh and sprinkle in plenty of other things that make us happy and fulfilled too.  Such as friends, hobbies, work, music, books, movies, great TV shows, food and wine, nature, pets, birthdays, Christmas, caramel....

Diabetes is still dumb.  Watching someone you love struggle is dumb.  Being afraid all the time is dumb.  Anything that sucks is dumb!  I wish it would all go away.

On the other hand....

"We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, `Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way."

~ Author Unknown

Detour

We have hit a detour on the moving road.  Had planned to go to Michael's for Cami's spray glitter and then try to get dressers moved today.  But Mark needed to turn off and go to the ER for a dialysis treatment.  So the kids and I are just hanging out at the apartment.  I suppose one could argue that a break from all the craziness isn't the worst thing in the world, and that Mark's health is of utmost importance.  But, yeah.....still wish it didn't have to take an ENTIRE day!

Mark has been struggling with his fluid/sodium/phosphorus levels the past few weekends.  We're busier than usual, having a lot to do by June 15, and we're not eating well and have strayed from our normal routines.  Plus it's all a little stressful.  Totally understandable while moving.  But it's obviously taking a toll on Mark.  Maybe I need to try to help him more.  I simply HATE it when he doesn't feel as good as he can!  And then icky thoughts creep into my head..... I literally have to tell myself to STOP thinking them.  I wouldn't wish health problems on anyone.

Mark just told me he has to stay overnight.  Of course!  They always find a reason to keep him at least 1 night!  Apparently they want to make sure it's not his heart because of his shortness of breath.  I reminded him that this has been happening every weekend like clockwork lately, but he's fine the rest of the time.  I guess the cardiologist said some certain levels were slightly elevated which could indicate a teeny, tiny little heart attack.  So they want to recheck those levels first thing tomorrow morning.  But they're also gonna have to take into consideration that tomorrow is his regular dialysis day too.

OK, I'm gonna have a selfish little meltdown here for a minute..... My plans, thoughts, ideas of how things will go in our lives are constantly getting screwed up!  My Mother's Day was ruined cuz Mark had bronchitis and that was a very stressful time cuz we were also closing on the house.  We had this huge fight over plans for yesterday, that Mark had things he wanted to do wtih his friends but I had obligated him to do something with kids.  Well not only did he get to go shooting and hang out with friends yesterday, but he also hung out with John on Friday.  I was hoping to get to sneak off to see Splice with Jessica tonight, but now I can't.  Mark often thinks everything is conspiring against him and what he wants.  Well, he's gonna have to revise that idea cuz it looks to me like it's ME who's getting shafted lately!!

See now, while I feel like that on one hand, on the other, he's still the one getting screwed with isn't he?  He's the one with all the health problems and has to spend the night at the hospital, not me.  I'm just visually impaired so I can't really keep doing the things I wanted to do today cuz I can't drive, and stuck at home cuz the kids need me.  Whatever.

I'm missing my mom more than usual lately.  It's going on a year since I've physically seen her and we really should talk on the phone more often.  She mentioned possibly flying Cami down to see her in August, but I'm honestly not very happy with that idea.  What about me?  What about AJ?  Is 2 years in a row really necessary?  We don't really like going to Oregon 2 summers in a row.  I know Washington isn't my mom and Doug's destination of choice.  But I'm here.  Shouldn't that be enough?

Things with my friends aren't getting any better.  Actually I guess you could say they're worse.  I had a debate with Roxy about Serra and Jessica this week that was really frustrating.  I was very surprised by the things Roxy said to me.  She may have also been surprised by the things I said to her.  She defended Sierra and I defended Jessica.  I never in a million years would have thought that would be the way things shook out.  It's so disappointing to learn that something isn't the way you think it should be.  Regardless, I feel I'm more right than Roxy cuz she doesn't really know all of what she speaks since she hasn't actually talked to Jess about it.  And I don't think they're gonna talk about it any time soon since Roxy doesn't feel like it right now and Jess is hurt by the things Roxy is thinking.  I decided to tell Jessica about my debate with Roxy after struggling with it overnight, and then hearing from Sierra that she does plan to come out for Roxy's birthday GNO.  Once I knew that, I felt Jess should know so she wasn't ambushed the night of.  Jessica is glad I filled her in, but I feel like it did exactly what I was worried it would do, which is only hurt her more.  What's done is done I guess, and I've been told that I can't fix it.  It's not for me to fix.  I just wanna know one thing: why do some people have to be such jerks?

Guess I've also had a detour of the mind today!
"Physical ills are the taxes laid upon this wretched life; some are taxed higher, and some lower, but all pay something." ~Lord Chesterfield