For me and my loved ones, March roared in like a lion with my husband Mark being hospitalized. Things looked bad enough that everyone thought he was dying. Including me.
We braced ourselves for the worst. But Mark had other plans. I truly believe he decided, "Nu uh, I'm not going anywhere yet!"
He rallied and we brought him home after 13 days in the hospital. Everyone was amazed and grateful, yet still very worried this might only be a temporary reprieve. There were so many conversations exploring the what ifs and Mark's wishes, home health and in-office appointments, crying and holding each other.
We went to a follow-up appointment where Mark's cardiologist said to stop worrying, he was doing well now.
Really? Oh. Small sigh of relief.
Only a small sigh of relief because both of us still had this nagging suspicion that it wasn't that cut and dry. How could it possibly be, considering ALL of Mark's co-existing conditions?
A couple of weeks later, at the beginning of April, we sought the opinion of an arrhythmia specialist, who confirmed that there was still something to worry about. He gave us a different diagnosis and said Mark should have an ICD, an Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator. Without one, his heart could go into Ventricular Tachycardia at any time and there may not be enough time get him help if he's at home.
He had the surgery last week. Now that Mark has an ICD, if his heart goes into V-Tach, the device will shock it back into a regular rhythm, or shock his heart back into any rhythm if it stops. At least that's what it's supposed to do.
While we now feel like we have a bit of an insurance policy, if you will, we're still not wholly relieved.
This is better than the alternative and we are grateful.
However, we are still left with so many what ifs, concerns, worries and questions. The thing is, though, they're all things we simply cannot know, cannot do anything about....besides do our very best to take good care of Mark. The rest is unknown.
The past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion, confusion, fear, uncertainty....and hope. It's been overwhelming at times. Not only adding yet another condition to the list of what Mark battles, but also the
With what we've been facing I felt inspired to renew our vows. I told my friends who were very excited and began making plans. But I just decided to cancel it.
Remember the post I published from Mark last Wednesday? It was in response to another post I wrote at the end of January. Those two posts, along with all the heart-to-heart talks we've been having lately, have shown me that he and I have been saying all the things we need to say to each other already. I know we both know how we feel about each other.
Not only that, but I just want to BREATHE right now. I want to be calm, get centered and find our new normal, which is continuing to evolve. Mark needs to heal and see how strong he is (or isn't). I know he really wants to go back to work at some point, even if not in the same position. I know I don't want him to push himself. I think gone are the days when he needs to push himself.
So here I am, breathing. Just breathing.
