A Letter to Those in Charge of My Daughter's Education

Dear Principal and Counselor at My Daughter's School,

I am writing today to tell you how very disappointed my husband and I were in the meeting we had with you and some of her teachers last month.

Since the meeting, I have been trying to get over how it felt and what we took away from it, but I can't. I keep coming back to it and what a huge waste of time it was. My husband tried to say something during the meeting, but I quieted him because I didn't want to undermine you all in front of our daughter.

But we can't continue to be quiet.

We asked all of you to come together with us to help our daughter because she is struggling at school. You took the opportunity to tell us how to parent. Principal, you pointed your finger at us and said we were wrong. It was condescending and completely unhelpful.

At the risk of sounding defensive, I must say that my husband and I are good parents. We do everything in the world that we can for our children. We have tried and tried and tried to give Camryn all the tools she  needs to succeed at school. I asked for the meeting because I am worried about her ability to succeed there. You all decided that the problems were only hers and ours.

Well I disagree. You are passing the buck. You all are not willing to take any responsibility for failing my daughter. Both literally and figuratively. From the moment Camryn stepped through those doors in 6th grade, you have not been willing to lift one finger to help her.

Except to have a couple of meetings which accomplished nothing. They were just for show, to make it look like you were putting in some kind of effort.

After school homework help? Great. Yes, that's helpful, but Camryn is STILL shy at school. She still isn't comfortable asking for help. She is going (when it's not cancelled for no reason), but this doesn't help her with feeling overwhelmed by being behind and continuing to have more and more piled on her.

I am not saying she isn't at all responsible for her own school work. She is 13 and in 8th grade and of course she has to take some responsibility for these things.

However, she has ADHD and maybe you don't know this, but kids with ADHD mature slower than their peers. Camryn is not like other kids! I feel that you do not get that at all. Her brain works differently. She has a LEARNING DISABILITY. Yet that doesn't even seem to register for you.

All any of you have ever said to us the entire time she's been at your school is that she has to do this and we has her parents need to do that. WE DO all the things you suggest. She TRIES.

What are YOU doing?

You all are the college educated, trained professionals. YOU are supposed to know how to help kids learn and succeed in school. My husband and I are not trained teachers.

I was talking with Camryn last night about some school things. You want to know what she told me? She is having a hard time not feeling like just giving up.

My heart breaks for her over this. She is a good girl who wants to do well. You all tell me this! No teacher has ever had anything but great things to say about having her in their class.

Yet she's just on her own there. She gets no support from you. No one ever pulls her aside and asks if she needs anything, if she understands what's expected of her, if she feels good about things. She doesn't feel like any of you give a damn about her.

Yes, yes, I know she's not the only student. I know she's not the only kid with a learning disability. But, honestly, that's not my problem. You all should have some game plan on how to deal with these things.

There is something else I feel you should know. We have some unique family circumstances that might play a factor in the way Camryn is. Her dad and I are both legally disabled. I have bad eyes and her dad has chronic illness. He is a type 1 diabetic who is on dialysis and has heart problems. He nearly died in March of 2012.

We know these things weigh on Camryn a bit and cause her some anxiety. We got her into counseling over the summer. So she has ADHD and some family stress she is carrying around. We are doing everything we can to help her learn and grow and end up well-adjusted. But we NEED your help too!

Perhaps a 504 plan isn't good enough. Maybe it should be bumped up to an IEP. Counselor, wouldn't that be your department?

The simple fact is, my child is currently failing most of her classes. NO ONE should want that and EVERYONE should want to fix it. Do you want my daughter to fail? Shouldn't you be intervening? Doesn't it reflect poorly on you as educators when students fail?

ISN'T IT YOUR JOB TO TEACH MY CHILD??

Please stop being apathetic about her. Please step up and do your jobs. I'm begging you. What is happening here is not OK. We are angry, and we are done being polite.

Unhappy, but sincere,
Camryn's personal advocate
aka MOM

**I actually sent a version of this to my daughter's principal and guidance counselor (what guidance?), and CC'd the school psychologist. I wasn't kidding when I said I'm done pussy-footing around these issues. I stand here right now, ready and willing to rock the boat. I have read too many other blog posts written by parents of children with much bigger needs than my daughter's, who have found the exceptional educators their children need to succeed, even in public school. I hear in their words the immense relief they feel knowing that their child's teachers actually care on some level. I desperately want to feel that too! And my daughter deserves better.

5. Talk about a problem you tackled this week.

At a Loss

My daughter has Attention Deficit Disorder. She doesn't really have the hyperactivity factor, so I leave the H out. Her problems are inattention and impulsiveness. She is forgetful and disorganized.

Camryn struggles a great deal in school. If I'm being honest, in everything that is a responsibility, really.

My biggest concern is school, though. She is currently in 7th grade. Middle school has been a shock to her system. ADD kids tend to mature at a slower rate than their peers, so the things that are expected of every other kid her age are a bit more daunting for Cami. It's like she doesn't quite 'get' things they way she ought to. Or rather, the way she is expected to.

My daughter doesn't fit into a pretty little box. Her brain works differently. She processes differently.

I think she had an actual panic attack during a portion of the state testing last week! She felt dizzy and was having a hard time catching her breath. She was having such a hard time we had to pick her up and bring her home.

Her dad and I have been banging our heads up against the school walls for years now, but most especially since Camryn entered middle school in 6th grade. I thought surely by now, nearly the end of 7th grade, she'd have figured things out, gotten into a groove and would be able manage.

But we still struggle. And it is all of us, not just her. She is struggling to hold it all together, and failing, quite literally. But we as her parents are struggling with how else to help her. What more can we do that we haven't already done?

We are good parents. Mark and I do all the things we should do for our kids. We are very interested in their schooling. We have had teachers thank us profusely for being the kind of parents who attend all the conferences, make sure homework gets done, email the teachers with questions and ask for feedback on our kids. We aren't active in the PTA, but we are attentive to what is going on with our children.

But now? Now I am at a loss as to how to help Camryn do better in school. Her teachers tell me they care, that I can email them with questions anytime, and Cami even has a 504 plan. However, I feel like I hit a wall whenever I try to communicate with her teachers, and her counselor is pretty much a non-entity due to budget cuts.

I don't know what I can reasonably expect of her as an ADD kid. Should I be expecting her to talk to her teachers herself and relay the information to me? It doesn't seem to work at all. Just yesterday I told her to talk to her science teacher about the F she currently has in his class. I asked her about it when she got home. Camryn said she did talk to him, but could not, for the life of her, remember what he said.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Camryn's inattention makes her come off as flighty and unconcerned. I must admit, it often feels to me like she just doesn't care and sometimes that makes me very impatient with her. But I know that can't be the case, because I also know a bright, inquisitive and curious child who has these moments of clarity and perceptiveness.

She isn't dumb. But I sure feel dumb not knowing what to do to help her.

Middle school isn't the be all, end all, but high school kind of is, and I feel like we're running out of time to prepare her for it.

We need some extra help, and I think that it will have to come in the form of a counselor for Camryn. Perhaps we should have had her in behavioral therapy already. I just really thought we had a handle on things because she doesn't necessarily have any behavioral problems per se. We have been lucky on that end of possible ADD issues.

This feeling of helplessness is just the worst.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

Measurements of Student Progress

We live in Washington state. Our public school state test for grades 3-8 is called the MSP.

They say, "The MSP name conveys the goal of the test: to measure student progress. State testing should never be the sole judge of a student’s academic skills and knowledge. A student’s entire performance should always be considered."

Yet, if a child doesn't pass the MSP, they will be placed in a "Lift" class the following year. For a middle schooler, this means losing out on an elective. This is the case in our district. I do not know if it's the same in others.

If I'm giving educators the benefit of the doubt, it looks like they want to help my child do better in whichever subject they didn't pass.

If I'm being cynical, it looks more like they want my child to freaking pass the MSP already so they can get more funding or ask for raises or whatever kids passing these tests does for them.

I understand that this is public education funded by the government and is free to me (well, besides my property taxes). I promise, I try not to complain about it too much. Like all the days off school there are. Mark complains about that a lot. I get it (mostly). But when they use the results of their standardized test to penalize my child, I get a little angry.

Many kids don't fit into their standardized box. Kids have varying learning styles.

My daughter has ADD.

Last year Camryn failed the MSP by four points and had to spend all this year taking a "Literacy Lift" class. And if she failed again this year, she'll have another similar class added to her schedule in 7th grade, thus locking her out of any sort of an elective.

She really wants to be her current homeroom teacher's TA in 6th period next year.  When she came home and told me this, I felt SO PROUD of her! I was thrilled that she would want to take this kind of initiative. And proud of my (not so) little girl for choosing an elective in which she will be helping new 6th graders (and a teacher).

Camryn may have ADD, but it has no bearing on her intelligence. It may look that way at times, because she can appear flighty, spacey, even air-headed. This is because her brain moves a mile a minute. She has "ooh shiny!" syndrome. But she is not stupid.

ADD makes it difficult to concentrate. Kids with ADD are famous for not doing well on tests. It takes Cami longer to finish the MSP testing than other kids.

I don't yet know how she did this year, but she may never pass one of those tests.

It's only because the test is "standard", yet she is not.

And this means, that she may have to continue to miss out on any elective she might be interested in. The very classes that help keep kids engaged in school, and help them discover what they're good at.

My heart breaks over this because it damages her already fragile self-esteem. I really don't think it's fair.

In all honesty, I think her school wants to push the kids to pass the MSP so they look good. I don't mean the teachers specifically. I'm sure that most of my daughter's teachers care about her learning what she needs to learn, and perhaps loathe those tests as much as I do. I get that teachers are in a tough spot between what their hearts want for the kids and what the administrators are making them do.

If it weren't for this ridiculous rule they've put in place, I probably wouldn't even tell Camryn whether she passed the MSP or not, when I get the letter in September

Because I don't think it has any bearing on who she is as a student.

It's just so very frustrating.

(Before someone tells me this is one reason they homeschool, please don't. I'm not that mom. Not only do I not have the discipline to homeschool, I wouldn't be able to do a good job of giving my kids an enriching homeschool experience because I can't drive them to great extra-curricular learning places.)

Linked to the Yeah Write Hangout and....

Doing My Due Diligence

I have a parenting challenge that is weighing on me quite a bit right now.

A little backstory

My daughter Camryn has Attention Deficit Disorder with an emphasis on being inattentive and impulsive.  This was first brought to our attention (no pun intended) when she was in kindergarten.  Since she's a summer baby and therefor one of the youngest in her class, we thought maybe she just needed a little time to mature more.  So we didn't do anything about her possible ADD until about the middle of first grade.

I don't need to write out ALL the details.  Suffice it to say, she does indeed have ADD and she does take a stimulant daily.  From 6 1/2 to 11 1/2 (where we are now) there have been many ups and downs in regards to behavior, meds and school.  But for the most part, she has been a bright, inquisitive, well-behaved girl who seems to enjoy school and learning.  We have seen her trying her hardest over the years.

Where we're at today

School is what I'm really concerned with right now.  Well, that and just this overall lack of effort on her part.  Because it's not only evident in regards to her schoolwork and grades, but also here at home.

When I first started writing this we were on day 3 of Cami being home sick.  On the first day she was home I logged into the school family access site where we parents can view our children's school records.  This includes grades, assignments, attendance and any disciplinary actions.  Now, this was my first time logging in all year because I didn't know I needed to disable my pop-up blocker for it open the secure window (so I just thought it wasn't working for me).

What I found was very disheartening.  Cami is in 6th grade this year and we are nearing the end of the first semester when they will be filing report cards.  According to the online records, she currently has 3 Ds.

She has always struggled with math and we did experience a hiccup with that earlier in the year.  But that turned out to only be about an assignment she simply didn't turn in.  Total ADD move on her part.  So you live and learn, right?  Ever since then, we have routinely asked her if she's turned in her completed work, to which she always answers yes.

I guess my first clue to the troubles should have been when she called me from school and told me she needed to turn in 2 missing math workbooks.  I asked her if she had them, she said yes, so I said to freaking turn them in!  She replied that they weren't finished.  I told her that doesn't matter.  Some is better than none.

In fact, whether she finishes all her math homework or not doesn't matter, according to the agreement we made with her math teacher and written into her 504 plan.  Her math teacher explained to us that it should only take each student about 30 minutes to do their homework.  Since Cami has ADD, if someone is sitting with her, helping to keep her on task, that's all she will expect of her as well (if she's working on her own, we'll give her an hour).  The teacher said math homework is really just practice, so finishing it all isn't necessarily the point; as long as she's trying and doing most of it, she will get credit.

But here Camryn is still thinking she can't turn it in if it's not complete.  So it shows an F in her record.

Seeing an F in your child's school record is one of the most upsetting things for a parent.  Or at least it is for me.  F means FAIL.  I don't want my child to fail!

OK. So, I talked about all of this with her, explained that something is better than nothing and that if the teacher tells Cami she has to finish it, to have her call me because that's not what is supposed to happen. I also spoke with her about how now that she's in middle school her grades count towards the rest of her school career, and ultimately the rest of her life.

That's a big thing to lay on an 11 year old, but it's the truth.  I told her we expect nothing less than a C and if she brings home Ds or Fs there will be serious consequences.  I reiterated what my mother told me, that school is her job and her grades are her pay.

Camryn listened, nodded, said OK....

But then I'm up in her room a day later sorting through her laundry and such.  Now, keeping her room clean has always been an issue, and seems to be an issue for most ADD kids.  She's sick, so I'm not bothering her much, but when it comes time to put some clean laundry away, I discover that the last time I had her put away clean clothes, she simply threw them all into the bottom drawer of her dresser.  I also discovered that she's shoving hoodies onto a shelf in her closet, rather than hanging them up.

These might seem like small things, but this combined with the school stuff screams of a total lack of effort on her part.  All this time I was under the impression that she always tries her hardest, that it's just difficult for her to stay on task.  And I still think that's true.....but....

I also think she is just kind of floating through her little life right now.  I guess she's lost in her own little world way more than I thought.

I've been wracking my brain with, "what do I do?" and "how do I help her?".

For many parenting dilemmas I believe in natural consequences, but I'm now thinking that might not be the way to go with her, with this.  She's not stupid, but she is...how do I say this delicately....?  Things go in one ear and out the other, or right over her head entirely.  Let me say again, she is not dumb, she's just got ADD and her brain is all over the place.

I think I am going to have to hold her hand and walk her through some things for awhile.  Things that other 11 1/2 year-olds can take care of just fine on their own, Cami still needs help with.

We are going to have to start checking her binder and planner religiously every day, as well as help her organize each assignment so she knows when to turn it in (which should already be written down in her planner, but....).  I will have to start checking the online records at least weekly.

As for her bedroom, I am going to have to help her get it really cleaned up and organized, and then push her into a routine of keeping it that way.

Nag, nag, nag.

So I know what I and we have to do.  The problem is how exactly to execute it.  How to balance it so that I don't go back to doing everything for her.  And how to get her to understand that these things matter and are important.  I think it is so easy for an ADD kid to just not care about certain things because it's so hard to focus on them.

I worry so much about her future if she doesn't learn how to take care of these things now, while she still has mom and dad to help her.  Since learning about ADD, I have felt that my most important job as her mother will be to teach her how to function well -- how to be organized, not lose things, not always be late to places.  If I can teach my ADD daughter these things, I will feel successful as her mother.

Right now, I'm failing at this and I'm really disappointed in myself.  I thought I was doing all the right things.  I do ask questions about school, have been to every conference and 504 meeting.  I help with Cami's homework the best I can, math not being my strongest subject either (there's a lot of Googling).  I encourage her, tell her she can do anything, she's smart and beautiful and funny and I love her so much.  Her teachers have told me they feel the same way about her and that they really appreciate me as a parent, that so many other parents just don't seem to care.

So why is she still struggling?  Obviously some changes need to be made and I have to suck it up and make them. It maybe even require a trip to the doctor to reevaluate her medication needs....

I just want to get this right, and I feel like I'm already running out of time since we are now over halfway through her childhood.