May 9, 2012

The Calm After the Storm

Well, I *think* things have calmed down now.

For me and my loved ones, March roared in like a lion with my husband Mark being hospitalized. Things looked bad enough that everyone thought he was dying. Including me.

We braced ourselves for the worst. But Mark had other plans. I truly believe he decided, "Nu uh, I'm not going anywhere yet!"

He rallied and we brought him home after 13 days in the hospital. Everyone was amazed and grateful, yet still very worried this might only be a temporary reprieve. There were so many conversations exploring the what ifs and Mark's wishes, home health and in-office appointments, crying and holding each other.

We went to a follow-up appointment where Mark's cardiologist said to stop worrying, he was doing well now.

Really? Oh. Small sigh of relief.

Only a small sigh of relief because both of us still had this nagging suspicion that it wasn't that cut and dry. How could it possibly be, considering ALL of Mark's co-existing conditions?

A couple of weeks later, at the beginning of April, we sought the opinion of an arrhythmia specialist, who confirmed that there was still something to worry about. He gave us a different diagnosis and said Mark should have an ICD, an Implantable Cardioverter-Defibrillator. Without one, his heart could go into Ventricular Tachycardia at any time and there may not be enough time get him help if he's at home.

He had the surgery last week. Now that Mark has an ICD, if his heart goes into V-Tach, the device will shock it back into a regular rhythm, or shock his heart back into any rhythm if it stops. At least that's what it's supposed to do.

While we now feel like we have a bit of an insurance policy, if you will, we're still not wholly relieved.

This is better than the alternative and we are grateful.

However, we are still left with so many what ifs, concerns, worries and questions. The thing is, though, they're all things we simply cannot know, cannot do anything about....besides do our very best to take good care of Mark. The rest is unknown.

The past two months have been a whirlwind of emotion, confusion, fear, uncertainty....and hope. It's been overwhelming at times. Not only adding yet another condition to the list of what Mark battles, but also the realization confirmation that he is indeed mortal. That has rocked Mark to his core.

With what we've been facing I felt inspired to renew our vows. I told my friends who were very excited and began making plans. But I just decided to cancel it.

Remember the post I published from Mark last Wednesday? It was in response to another post I wrote at the end of January. Those two posts, along with all the heart-to-heart talks we've been having lately, have shown me that he and I have been saying all the things we need to say to each other already. I know we both know how we feel about each other.

Not only that, but I just want to BREATHE right now. I want to be calm, get centered and find our new normal, which is continuing to evolve. Mark needs to heal and see how strong he is (or isn't). I know he really wants to go back to work at some point, even if not in the same position. I know I don't want him to push himself. I think gone are the days when he needs to push himself.

So here I am, breathing. Just breathing.


  1. Not just breathing. Hearts pumping as one...My friend, Greg Murat, writes poetry daily. This is today's poem, and I think he wrote it for you two.

    The images arrive in rhyme and time
    In the stillness of a moment
    In the effervescent present
    There is nothing but the flow
    It is not calling, it is not seeking
    It is simply receiving
    Gratitude for the gift
    Of God here in each of us
    The seamless invisible string
    That binds us each to one another
    And although we do not live that long
    In family, friends and love
    Forever on we go
    Sending out the love

  2. What a roller coaster for you guys! Sending prayers that he stays healthy. xo

  3. So glad he is better! Sometimes trust is a 4 letter word! Hope your husband rebounds well and you have many, many, many more years together!

  4. Oh wow, I read your previous post through "yeah write" but I was so overwhelmed by reading 50 pus blogs that I never got a chance to read through some of your other posts to determine what exactly was wrong with your hubby! My heart hurt for you nevertheless. I know that horrible feeling. "Wait and see" the docs always told us about our son. All I wanted was to fix him, waiting seemed ill advised!!

    Anyhow. I'm glad that your husband is out of the hospital and doing better. I will keep a good thought for both of you!!

    1. Aw, thank you very much! If you ever want to tweet or email me questions, that's cool too.

  5. 50 *plus* blogs

    ...ha...probably should have proof read that.

  6. You have definitely been through a lot! My goodness. No wonder you just want to be able to sit back and breathe. I'm glad hubby is out of the hospital and doing somewhat better. Keeping you and him in my thoughts.

  7. I love that you are trying to stay positive and that you are both a wonderful support system for each other. It's very hard for a man to be in a helpless state so it's nice to hear you are helping him keep a sense of worth as he expresses his desire to work. I really hope that things calm down for you and that you're husband feels 110% better soon :)

  8. When I read your posts about you and Mark, I'm always reminded of my aunt and uncle. He spent two years in the hospital when his son was first born and the rest of his life was in and out for various times. Despite everything, they were devoted to each other and probably one of the happiest couples. Every day was a gift and they both knew how precious that was. I can always see that strength and commitment from you two.

  9. I am so sorry you are both having to go through such an ordeal. Cherish every day with each other. Enjoy these moments of calm and continue to breath.