10 Reasons I'm Thankful For My Mother On Her Birthday

Today is my mom's birthday!

Everyone say, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JEN'S MOM!!"

Or, you could use her name, which is Deanne (Dee-ann).

I am her only child and we live in different states. I never get to celebrate her birthday with her, so I thought I would write up a list of the best things about her to let her feel my love today.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

My mother was born on June 6, 1957. Today she is 55!

My mom was only 16 when I as born, turning 17 shortly after. She got pregnant, married my dad in Reno, and moved with him back to his home state of Washington. She was 16 and he was 19. Just babies themselves!

Things didn't work out between my parents and they split up when I was 5. My mom left her heart in Lake Tahoe when she married my dad, so she decided to move back there. I stayed with my dad, visiting my mom on every school break until it was time to live with her after I turned 12. This wasn't easy, but they both loved me and I knew it.

I like to say my mom and I grew up together. Lots of people thought I was her younger sister and I think she liked it. I remember once when I was about 16, we were in the grocery store. I was an aisle away and yelled, "Mom!" She came around the corner Ssshhing me. She didn't want me to call her mom so loudly. Because if she's the mom of a 16 year old, how old must that make her? Of course I was just like, whatever, mom.

I am very sad that I don't seem to have any pictures of my mom and I when I was a teenager. Actually, don't think I have any with either of my parents. What's up that?

Her name is Deanne, by the way. That's "Dee-anne". She is the middle child of three, a Gemini through and through and a free spirit. She's a vegetarian, but not a vegan, thank God, and gets totally bitchy when she's hungry. I find this so hilarious because she absolutely needs food at regular intervals, yet it's sometimes hard to find her food she will eat. She hates doing housework, leaving most of it to my step-dad, who is a veritable saint. She's a pretty good cook even if she didn't bother to teach me how. She and my step-dad are very active, outdoorsy people.

The most important thing to know about my mom, probably the biggest part of her, is that she is a horse lover. She currently has two horses, Gabe and Bandit. Gabe is an old man now; Bandit is her youngin.

The white horse she's on? She rode an Andalusian horse in Andalusia, Spain last spring. Pretty awesome, hu?

This horse thing? Totally skipped a generation. I think horses are beautiful creatures. But I'm a little afraid of them. Because not only are they beautiful, they're also large and powerful. Gabe was the first horse I ever felt comfortable around. He's such a sweetheart (and only 14 1/2 hands). But my daughter? The love of horses went from my mom straight to her. A fact which I know my mother is quite proud of.

Speaking of my kids, to them she is GrandMama. This came about when Cami turned one and my mom was trying to teach her to say grandma. It came out like, "Grandmamamama". It was so cute, and my mom decided it sounded great. With several grandmothers to choose names for, it wasn't already taken either. Also unique is what Cami and AJ call my step-dad: GranDoug. Don't tell anyone, but that's my favorite!

Camping at Lake Tahoe last summer

My mom and I have turned out to be quite the opposites. Sure, there are traits and mannerisms I inherited from her, but that's about it. She and I have very different interests and have had very unsimilar life experiences.

Sometimes I think my mother is completely nuts. I'm sure sometimes she thinks the same about herself me. I know we've each hurt the other.

But here's the thing: We have unconditional love and respect for each other. I'm very proud of that. Here's another thing: We have mutual admiration for one another. I admire my mom's utter determination to live life to the fullest, and to do it authentically. She doesn't apologize for who she is or what matters to her.

Mom, I love you and I wish you the happiest of birthdays! I wish I could give you a big hug today, and have a a glass of wine. How 'bout this? Close your eyes, imagine hugging me, and later on, sip some wine with me in mind, remembering that we are connected, always. XOXO

Oh, and I think this is the BEST birthday card I could ever give you, so maybe print it out? Just sayin'.

Permanence

There is an image that will be a part of me for the rest of my life.

It is my tattoo.

It was drawn into the skin above my heart because it represents my heart.

My family.

My husband and children, and myself.

The people I love.

It is a permanent reminder to never take them for granted.

M is for Mark, my husband, my partner, the love of my life.

J is for Jennifer.  That is me.

C is for Camryn, my only daughter, beautiful and sweet.

A is for Alexander, my only son, tough and funny.

The beauty of a "flower" in the shape of a heart with intertwined stem and letter "leaves".

The perfect representation of what I hold dear, of what defines me most.

I am a wife, a mom and me.  Nothing fancy.  Nothing that will make me rich or famous or powerful.

My tattoo reminds me of what I cherish.  It reminds me that I am enough.

"When the designs are chosen with care, tattoos have a power and magic all their own.  They decorate the body but they also enhance the soul."

~ Michelle Delio

I wrote this in response to the prompt:
What is one image or symbol that reminds you that you are enough?

About My Family Tree

Guess what??

This?  This post that you're reading right here, is number 250!

I love that it's a Listicle.

This week's prompt was chosen by Ms. Mamalog and it's a doozie!  She asked us to come up with 10 tidbits from our family tree.

Hmmm....

I can imagine my family members squirming in their seats.

Mwahahaha!

Lucky me, it just so happens that I got to attend a cousin's wedding this weekend where I saw most of the paternal side of my family and did a little recon.

Mwahahaha!

Here is what my immediate family tree looks like:

To clarify, this is my immediate biological family: My grandparents and my parents and their siblings.

1. My father's mother, Dolores, whom we fondly refer to as "Dode", is actually really into genealogy.  As far as I know, she has tracked our ancestry back centuries.  It seems to mostly lead back to England.  I think Grandma Dode's trove of information is mainly names, places and dates, not so much anecdotal.  So I will only be able to share with you what I know about my family.

2.  My paternal grandparents are Wally and Dode who had 5 children, 4 boys and 1 girl.  Their names are Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay.  Randy is my father.  My Grandpa Wally and uncle Clay have passed away.

My father and grandmother

3.  My maternal grandparents are Paul and Joyce who had 3 children, 2 girls and 1 boy.  Their names are Dawn, Deanne and Scott.  Deanne is my mother (pronounced Dee-anne).

My grandma Joyce
Update: Dear Jen, the family name on my moms side is Littlejohn - He was given a land grant by the King of England in the new world in the 1600's.  He came from Scotland and was Robin Hood's partner in crime.  Believe me they were beyond fit, the movies make them look ridiculous.  There are quit a few in our country's history too, like Danial Boon or was it Davie Crockett?  My aunt has a book she is going to leave to me.  luv Grams

My mother

4.  I have two uncles named Scott and an uncle named Mark, which is my husband's name.

5.  All these aunts and uncles married and had 2-4 children each, for a grand total of 14 cousins.  One I have never known and one died of SIDS.  They are made up of 7 girls and 7 boys.  This sounds all even-steven like, but growing up, I was surrounded by mostly female cousins.

Grandma Joyce, mother, aunt, me, cousin and my daughter

Grandma, dad, my family, aunts, uncles and cousins on dad's side

6.  Many of us cousins are now married and having children too.  My and my cousins' children number 13 so far.

7a.  It seems that my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles all got married and had children pretty young by today's standards.  At the wedding I just went to, I found out that one of my grandmothers and most of my aunts were pregnant on their wedding days.  So was my mother, who was only 16.

7b.  I was conceived in Lake Tahoe, born in Washington state where I lived for 12 years, moved to Lake Tahoe where I lived until I was almost 20, and now I live in Washington state again.

My mom holding baby me

8.  The wedding we just went to was for a cousin we didn't know until we were adults.  My uncle Mark didn't know.  Interesting thing is, this cousin's mother named him exactly the same name as my aunt Renee named her son, first AND middle names, without either of the moms knowing.

9.  I haven't seen or spoken to my mother's father I think since my high school graduation, nearly 20 years ago.  He upset me regarding my graduation, then he divorced his second wife whom we all loved and then he just sort of went away.  He is bipolar.

10.  Have you noticed that I haven't mentioned any siblings of mine?  That's because I am an only child.  Even though I had young parents who could have easily had more children in each of their second marriages, they didn't.  I have had some angst over this my entire life.  I'm trying to get over it.  Really, I am.

"Our most basic instinct is not for survival but for family. Most of us would give our own life for the survival of a family member, yet we lead our daily life too often as if we take our family for granted."

~ Paul Pearshall

The Mom (Woman) Pledge

The Mom Pledge

I am proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are rude, condescending or disrespectful.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.

* * * * *

"There seems to be no end to the topics that can generate controversy. A recent poll of Mom bloggers revealed 76% had experienced or witnessed cyber bullying between moms on online."

You know, I think this is a great idea, a great pledge to take, a great word to spread.

But it shouldn't even be an issue!

Cyber bullying of moms?

Really, people?

Shame on anyone who picks on a mother.  Extra shame on a mom who picks on a fellow mom.

In my 11 years as a mom I have learned that each and every one of us is doing the best we can with what we've got.  We ALL love our kids.  We ALL want the best for them.

There is no argument about that.

Anything else we could argue about, is all personal choice and opinion.  And you can't tell people how to feel, what to value, what you think they should be doing.  Even if someone asks your advice, still the only thing you can offer is your personal opinion.  The other person doesn't have to agree.

Is that annoying?  I know, right?  But....

We should be kind, caring and compassionate enough to have healthy debates that don't denegrate one another.

I know it's frustrating when you don't agree with something someone's doing.  I get frustrated all the bloody time (hence Fantasy Eff Off Fridays)!  Venting is healthy. Attacking is not.  We are ultimately only responsible for our own actions, our own stuff.

And we are responsible for what we put out there.

"Life is like a boomerang; what you give, you get back."

If we want support, we need to give it.  If we want understanding, we need to give it.

Moms really need these things.

Women in general need these things.

Why do you think there are so many women/mom bloggers?

We should support and try to understand one another EVERY DAY.

No jealousy, spite, conceit or negativity.

I hope, here in my personal Internet space, that I am putting out positive energy more than I'm not.  I hope that my posts make people smile. When I do write about sad or difficult things, my hope is that I will be given support and understanding.  I also hope I am succeeding in giving these things to others.

The last thing any of us needs to do is tear another woman down.  We do enough of that to ourselves.

"There is a special place in hell for women who do not help other women."

~Madeleine K. Albright

We say we want strong female relationships, yet we so often do things to undermine them.  Our busy lives, obligations, assumptions and insecurities all get in the way.  I'm guilty of it.  Perhaps you are too.  We can always try harder.  Just be real, honest, kind and loving, and hopefully the rest will take care of itself.

So here's to you, my fellow moms, fellow women!

My Babies Aren't Babies Anymore

Of course I knew this day would come. But knowing something is coming doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My kids growing up is in no way as hard as, say, a death, but there is a sense of loss involved. It is a change, and every change needs to be processed.

My daughter was a slow talker, but oh how I loved the way she would pronounce things. Flower was “fwow-wow” and hot dog was “ga-gog”. I never want to forget things like that!

My son is was a thumb-sucker and hair player-with-er. It has been really special to have my little boy sit in my lap sucking his thumb and playing with my hair, so happy and content. But he is earnestly trying to kick this habit because he’s a big kid now. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t missing it just a little.

My beautiful daughter Camryn is now 11 years old and heading into middle school in a month. She is a full-on Tween, at the stage of childhood where she is a goofy little girl one moment and then a young lady the next. She has ADD so she is slightly less mature than most of her peers, but she is still well on her way. She just became a Girl Scout Cadette and is currently attending her 2^nd year at horse camp. She got her love of horses from my mother. Apparently it skips a generation!

I have a confession. I find myself staring at Cami’s body quite a bit, waiting for any sign of puberty. I want to be prepared the moment she needs a real bra (she sometimes wears little training bras) and hope to God I have a good reaction when she starts her period! I don’t want to be overly excited or giddy which might be embarrassing. Nor do I want to let out a heavy sigh because I know just how much fun periods are.

My adorable son AJ is 5 ½ and starting Kindergarten in September. He attended a year and a half of preschool, complete with riding the bus, so I’m not real weepy about him starting K (although I do know he will begin reading this year and that‘s a big deal). No, it’s more the other things he’s doing now that get me. That he’s already started losing his baby teeth, that he learned how to ride a 2-wheeler in about 5 minutes and suddenly he can reach the kitchen faucet. Oh, don’t let me forget that he’s now spent a couple nights away from us this summer!

Seriously, just how many milestones, regardless of how small, need to happen to a mommy all at once?

Every time I turn around lately my kids get or do something new. They simply aren’t little anymore and that’s crazy. And it’s not only about accepting where my kids are at now, but also what that means in relation to ME as their mom. I have now been a mother for 11 years. I’ve got some real experience under my belt. I find I’m able to share my “motherly wisdom” with others from time to time.

Actually, that last part is funny. On one had I feel like I have some wisdom, but on the other hand one of the things I’m wise to is that I don’t have all the answers. I thought I did before I ever had children. But now, nope.

What I know right now is my children, my beautiful babies, are becoming actual young PEOPLE. Time is marching on….and on and on. And in the immortal words of Steven Tyler, I don’t wanna miss a thing.

PYHO: Blind Girl

There’s a little something I’ve mentioned here before, but never really written about. Pour Your Heart Out seems like a good opportunity

* * * * *

I think I was around 7 when I first realized I couldn’t see the stop sign at the end of the street. At that time both of my eyes were fine, I was somewhat near-sighted, but all I needed was glasses.

A few years later, at age 10, I had my first bout with “inflammation” in one of my eyes. The right one, if I remember correctly. It was treated with a shot of steroids and life went on.

Then during the summer after my freshman year of high school (I was 15) I completely lost the sight in my left eye.

Towards the end of the school year I dealt with redness and pain around my left eye. My mom took me to a walk-in type clinic, the doctor there shined his little pen light in my eyes and diagnosed me with “eye strain” because I had been studying for finals, prescribed some kind of drops and sent me home. He should have known that he wasn’t an opthamologist and given me a referral to one. But because we automatically trust people with Dr. in front of their names, we took his word for it.

After some period of time (I honestly can’t recall how long), those symptoms did go away and we assumed my eye was fine. Not even I knew that I was actually slowly losing the vision in my left eye. All I can guess is that my right eye compensated, or denial, or….?

I lived in Lake Tahoe when I was a teenager and every year there is a great fireworks show over the lake on the 4^th of July. We decided to go see the show that year. We got to the beach where we wanted to watch when it was still sunny. I didn’t have prescription sunglasses so I would sometimes put my mom’s sunglasses over my regular glasses when it was too bright. Well I went to do this and that was when I noticed I couldn’t see anything to my left.

I didn’t freak out. I just sort of took the sunglasses off and tested things. I covered my right eye and lo and behold, I couldn’t see a damn thing out of my left eye.

Um. What the hell is going on here?

I still didn’t say anything. I think I figured if I couldn’t see, what could my mom do about it? Besides, it was a holiday and nothing was going to happen that night anyway.

Don’t get me wrong, I was definitely worried and uneasy, but I chose to keep it to myself until the next day.

My mom found an opthamologist in Carson City and we went right away. After his exam he informed us that my retina had detached. He referred us to a retinal specialist in San Francisco who might be able to help. I think we drove to SF the very next day and met Dr. McDonald.

Dr. McDonald said that I needed emergency laser surgery to try and reattach my retina. However, my retina had been detached for so long and the vision had deteriorated so far, that it might not work.

We’re talking about my VISION, so it was worth a shot.

One of my most vivid memories of that time was all the tests they ran trying to determine how this was happening to me. A nurse pulled me aside to ask if I was still a virgin because if I were sexually active perhaps it was an STD. Can you imagine my 15 year old horror at having to discuss this?

After surgery I had to lie face down for TWO WEEKS in order for the little bubble they left inside my eye to float up and keep my retina pushed to the back of my eye. My mom and step-dad took turns sleeping out in the living room with me to try and make sure I didn’t roll over. I ate hanging my head down. My mom was a pretty big Nazi about it.

And it was the middle of summer. Fun times!

We did everything we could, but it didn’t take. My left eye is dead to me. It ended up atrophying and looks really bad. I had to return to school for sophomore year with an ugly eye.

Because I am one of the kabillions of Jennifers in the world I became known as the “one-eye” Jennifer. Horrible, nasty jokes were made at my expense. The kind of jokes only cruel teenagers can make.

But I had some really good friends who would tell the jerk faces to shut up and would even explain about my eye for me to those who asked. Because I did get really tired of explaining it to people. Still, all of this changed me. I no longer looked people in the eye because I was self-conscious. When I met someone new and we shook hands, I would stare at our hands and mutter my hello, nice to meet you.

After a couple of years Dr. McDonald told me I could get a plastic prosthetic eye to sit in front of my bad one. For one reason or another it never happened, probably because it involved more trips to the Bay Area.

The rest of high school went along without incident. Well, without any more eye-related incidents, anyway. And even though I still hadn’t managed to get a driver’s license, my mom & step-dad gave me a car for my graduation!

Sounds good, right? Read on.

Less than 2 months after graduation I started seeing little grey/black floaters swimming around in my RIGHT eye. Then, the retina in that eye, the only good eye I had left, suffered a peripheral detachment. Meaning, a “corner” of it detached (there are no corners in the eye, though). Perhaps flap is a better word? The best way to describe it is it was like there was a bit of a curtain covering a small part of my vision.

My mom & step-dad were away on a trip to Canada. I was going to have to call my grandmother but I really didn’t want to bother her. Maybe it was nothing. Maybe I was just being paranoid. Denial was my friend even at age 18.

I did force myself to call my Grama and of course she rushed to my side. We went to the Carson city opthamologist who confirmed my fears. My mom must’ve called home (this was only 1992, long before the entire world had cell phones) because the next thing I knew they were cutting their trip short and coming home.

This time I had to lie on my side for 2 weeks. But this time it worked. My vision was left a little damaged, but otherwise things were alright.

In the meantime, however, I had to quite my movie theater job, so once I was recovered, I needed to find something to do with myself. A friend of my mom’s had recently given birth to twins and needed help. Well I love babies, so I was all over it!

Through my “mommy helping” I had the opportunity to spend a month in Florida the following April. It was fabulous, but my right eye started acting up again while I was there.

This time I simply noticed a change in my vision. It got ever so slightly blurrier. And again, I didn’t say anything right away. I was all the way across the country, and we’d be home soon enough anyway.

I think close to the time we were to be leaving I talked to my mom and gave her a heads-up that I thought maybe something was wrong again, and I think she made an appointment even before I got back. I have this vague recollection that we went straight from the airport to the Carson City opthamologist, but maybe not, so don’t quote me on that. Jeez, why aren’t these things super easy to remember? We’re talking about life-changing stuff here!

What I do know for sure is that Carson City doc told us my entire retina had detached and called Dr. McDonald who scheduled the surgery.

The weight of this situation hit us pretty hard. We became very concerned that I might end up totally blind. So my mom decided we needed to take a trip so I could see some of my favorite places one more time - just in case. Dr. McDonald said pushing the surgery out a little probably wouldn’t make much of a difference, so that’s what we did.

My dad & step-mother came down from Washington and all of my parents plus my Grama took a road trip together. Oh boy. It was really cool, but also really awkward. Nevertheless, we took the scenic route through Yosemite and Mammoth, over to Gilroy, Monterey and Santa Cruz, and the gorgeous Pacific Ocean, on our way to San Francisco and my third eye surgery.

I had to be on my face again, but this time my retina stuck, thank God! However, my vision was reduced quite a bit. I was now legally blind CORRECTED. The legal definition of blindness is 20/200. That’s right where I was at. That’s right where I am today.

Thankfully my right eye has remained stable since I was 19. There is a theory that adolescence exacerbated the problem so once I was through puberty, it calmed down. Seems plausible.

I never did get to have a driver’s license. But I DID finally get a prosthetic eye before my wedding day. It’s so funny to me that both my left “eye” and the left lens I wear in my glasses are totally useless. Purely aesthetic, vain. Just so I look normal, balanced. It’s kind of ironic I think, given that I pride myself on being authentic. I know that’s one of the reasons it took me so long to get the prosthetic even after I was living in the Bay Area. Isn’t it kind of a lie?

So that’s the story of my bum eyes. I’ve adapted fine. I’m mostly OK with having this disability, but I’m not going to pretend it’s all fun and games. I do get frustrated by not being able to hop in the car to run my own damn errands. And sometimes it’s extra frustrating as a mom when my inability to drive my kids places means they miss out on something.  Also?  It does hold me back some, contributes to my insecurities.

Considering the alternative, though? I am very grateful that I can still see ANYTHING! I’ve met a lot of blind people and 2 of my closest friends are totally blind. It’s doable. But nobody wants to do it.

I recently asked my daughter what she thinks about my bad eyes. She didn’t understand what I meant so I clarified, “Do you think anything in particular about your mom not seeing very well?” She shrugged and said no.

Sure, for now she doesn’t care, but I’m prepared for the day she throws it in my face in some angst-filled teen drama moment. Yeah, it’ll happen.

PYHO: Leaving.... & WTF?

I have been debating with myself about writing this post.

On the one hand, I don't want to dwell on my fears and anxieties, but on the other hand, I don't want to pretend they don't exist.  That will only make me think about them more, hence dwelling.  It always helps me to get stuff out.

And Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday with Shell at Things I Can't Say just screams "write the post, Jennifer!".

As you may recall from my post last week, Happy (if you don't shame on you), my kids and I are taking a trip to Lake Tahoe next month.  I am very happy about this!  It has been way too long since I've been - 7 years - and my little boy has never been.  AJ hasn't even met his great-grandmother, nor any other family on my mom's side besides my mom and step-dad.  Also, we have the opportunity to see my kids' Godmother JHo and her family, who we haven't seen since AJ was 3 months old.

(By the way, yes, people do actually live in Lake Tahoe.  It's not only a major tourist destination.  My mom and her family have lived there for ages and I lived there for about 8 years, not counting all the times I visited before moving to Tahoe.  And yes, it is as gorgeous as people say and I believe that everyone should visit Tahoe at least once before they die.  A piece of my heart lives there.)

The time is at hand and it's definitely awesome and I am SO grateful!  However, the reason I haven't been back for so long is my husband.  Mark is on dialysis and while you can travel and visit another clinic, Tahoe doesn't have any.  Last time I took Camryn and spent 10 days there, I felt horribly guilty the entire time and thought I'd never want to do it again.  It's not fair and it kind of really pisses me off.

Over the last 7 years Mark and I (and my mom) have talked about it, mulled it over, yadda yadda.  My mom and step-dad have come here several times for visits and have had Camryn visit them once she was old enough to fly as an unaccompanied minor.  I haven't been willing to leave Mark for the past 7 years.  Actually, I wanted to last year, but my mom was being weird that time.  But if I'm being completely honest, my reasons are not only due to unfairness or guilt.

We have been through the wringer with Mark and his health problems.  SO much has happened and it has all affected me deeply.  I am traumatized and full of fear and anxiety.  In my mind, I am the only one who can make sure Mark is OK.  I'm the only one who can take care of him well because I know and love him best.  I have developed a sixth sense when it comes to low blood sugars.  I often know before he does.  Mark downplays his condition to other people all the time.  Only I know how he really is, if he's struggling, just alright or doing really well.  I nag him about things I think he needs to pay attention to, and while he doesn't like it, he will listen to me.  He's not real big on other people's opinions.  He's a stubborn man.

I figure as long as I'm with him, or at least close by, everything will be OK.  Even it it's not OK, at least I was here.  I dread the idea that something bad will happen to him while I'm 2 states away living it up.  That no one else will know how to help, I won't be able to get to him.....  And how horrible would that feel??  So I just won't do it.  That's fine, I'm willing to sacrifice Tahoe for Mark.  It's not fair anyway, right?  (Can you tell I have a strong sense of fairness?)  If he can't go, I won't go, and that's that.

But it's not that simple.  There are things like maybe NOT being a martyr.  Not making Mark feel guilty that he's holding the kids and I back from something really special.  Perhaps trying not to be a control freak and trying not to think the worst will happen just because I'm elsewhere.  And how about not hurting my mother by keeping her from sharing the things she loves with her grandchildren?  And most importantly, how about not living in fear?

When my mom first told me she wanted us to do this, I literally panicked.  I don't have full-on panic attacks, the kind that feel like a heart attack.  But it was enough to make me a little shaky and do a little crying.  I called my friend Jessica to talk this out with her and was so surprised to find myself crying at her.  Gawd!  Seriously?  She of course wasn't surprised because she knows how traumatized I am.  But oh, it made me so mad!  Not Jess, me, my stupid fears.

(If you're curious as to what exactly is so traumatizing, you can go back to November 2010 in the archives, or even up to the Favorite Posts tab.)

So yes, leaving Mark home alone for a week scares me.  And yes, he's a grown man and he CAN take care of himself.  And no, probably nothing even remotely terrible will happen in my absence.  (From my fingers to God's ears!)  Mark wants us to go and promises he will take good care of himself.  He's looking forward to having a break too, even if it's just here at home.  We're actually jealous of each other.  I'd love to spend a week at home alone and he'd love to go to Tahoe.  What's that people say about having cake and eating it too?

* * * * *

Now, I want to end this post with a little levity.  I've been having fun reading other people's WTF Wednesday posts but wasn't finding many things that I thought would qualify to post myself.  But today I have something.  Or at least it makes me think WTF??

source

"Crown Royal Cask No. 16 - Presenting Sponsor

Crown Royal Cask No. 16 remains the Rolex Sports Car Series presenting sponsor and is the exclusive whisky of GRAND-AM."

Um.  Does it strike anybody else as absurd that a hard liquor company is a race car sponsor?  Mark was watching a race on TV at Laguna Seca last week and I thought, wow, that's really funny.  Yes, I know beer companies also do it.  That's absurd too.  Way to teach people not to drink and drive!

WTF?!?!?

Happy

On a piece of paper write down something that makes you happy...
take a photo of your paper and wa la...there's your post.

The Final Days of 36...

I was born on Tuesday, April 16, 1974.  I will turn 37 in 2 days.  Getting older is such a trip!

My mom and me when I was a baby. One of my favorite pictures of all time!

I'm feeling very introspective.  Happy too.  I just came through a few weeks where I wasn't sure about myself, my value and even what I'm doing with my life.  But this week I've somehow (did my angels whisper in my ear again?) gained a renewed sense of who I am and what matters to me. Oh I hate it when I don't feel content!

There's a lot that's ambiguous or vague and I can't put my finger on it.  But one thing I've noticed is a shedding of expectation.  For example, expectation of how my birthday should be.  I used to think about it in a very selfish way.  Not that it's wrong to be selfish - or rather, self-centered - on your birthday.  But it's actually not as satisfying if you really think about it.  I've learned that it's really much better to approach it with just a sense of openness to whatever it brings.  Sure, have an idea of what you want to do or would like to receive as gifts, but as far as how others respond to your birthday.....how to explain this.....

Of course I want my friends and family to remember my birthday and want to celebrate it with me.  It makes me feel special and loved and I really like feeling that.  And it would indeed hurt if nobody cared.  But I don't want anybody doing anything out of obligation because I expect it.  I used to.  For years and years I thought my birthday was my one special day each year and dammit I deserve it!  I spend the rest of the year putting others first so if I wanna take this one day, I can right?

Well.... I will always think that everyone deserves to be a little spoiled for their birthday.  But now I realize that ME, ME, ME mentality isn't  a good place to come from, for my heart to dwell.  I don't think I'm the first person to figure this out.  It seems this is a piece of wisdom we all must learn.  Now I understand that what's most important is feeling gratitude for my life and the people in it.  Everything else is cake - birthday cake!  Haha!

I asked my Washington girlfriends to get together for a dinner to commemorate my birthday and we did on Tuesday.  I told them to not worry about giving me gifts, that their presence and their smiling faces was all I needed.  And for the first time in my life I sincerely meant it!  Miracle of miracles, they were all able to come and it meant so much to me.  The 5 of us sitting around Jessica's kitchen table eating, chatting and drinking wine was perfect!

My J Ho made me curtains for my bedroom that I think are going to look perfect and I can't wait to get a couple curtain rods to put them up.  Hopefully I will be able to do that with the Target gift card my in-laws are sending.  I also told them they didn't need to worry about giving me anything (for reasons other than unselfishness), but if they insisted, I do have new curtains to hang.  I don't think J Ho is capable of not giving people gifts.  One year I just didn't have the money to send her anything so I told her she wasn't allowed to buy me anything when my birthday rolled around.  So what did she do?  She made me a little book of recipes with just her computer and some scrapbooking paper she had.  Makes me all the more grateful to have acquired the skill of knitting because even when you're low on money, yarn can be had pretty inexpensively!

Another thing I've already received is a very mushy card and check from my mom.  The words in this card are so wonderful and a real gift in themselves:

For your birthday,

I wish you the confidence

to begin this year

as you would open a gift,

certain that it holds

something special just for you.

I wish you

strong trust in yourself

and faith in the future,

the belief that you will make

the right choices

to bring you closer

to the happiness you deserve.

I wish you

friends to surround you

in the circle of their caring and love,

and people to help you

laugh at life.

Most of all,

I wish you could see

the beautiful woman I see

when I look at you -

the remarkable,

irreplaceable person

who adds so much

to so many lives !

I don't share these words to toot my own horn or say "look at how much my mom loves me!"  It's that I just so appreciate the words and I appreciate when someone tells another person how they feel.  Words are very powerful.  They say actions speak louder, and that's often true, but I think words matter too.  Reading this card made me feel so good!

For my actual birthday we are planning to take a day trip to Leavenworth, WA.  "We" being me, Mark, the kids and my dad.  This will be our first time checking out this little town in the Cascades that is modeled after a Bavarian village.  I've heard lots of cool things and it should be fun!

"Youth is a disease from which we all recover."

~ Dorothy Fulheim