September 22, 2015

Blogging Existentialism

For the entire last year it has been difficult for me to get my stuff out here. To write.

To share my life with whoever is interested.

This bothers me so much. I remember, like, four years ago, as I was getting all gung-ho about blogging, that I would often come across other bloggers who were complaining of writer's block and time constraints or whathaveyou thinking, "that'll never be me. I never seem to have a shortage of things to write about and the words just flow....".

Yet here I am.

I want so badly to be able to write for other sites, to lend my perspective where appropriate, to a wider audience, and maybe even be paid for it (is that OK to say?). But if I can't even manage to maintain my personal blog any more than once a week -- for myself -- how am I supposed to write for anyone else?

*scratches head.

I ask myself, do I simply need to practice better time management? Because I am a stay-at-home mom to school-age kids. I should have plenty of time to write, right? Sure, but then there's my husband who, besides 12 hours a week at dialysis treatments, is also home full time.

But he's an adult who doesn't need supervision like kids do, you might think. Actually, that's not the case, because he is a friggin' mess and needs lots of help, and also really appreciates my time and attention.

Now, I don't mean this to sound condescending AT ALL (I promise), but really, caring for Mark is not much different than caring for a small child. And since it's akin, this also means I don't have help with household things from my spouse. I am responsible for EVERYTHING in our family.

And then. Because of the things there are to DO, and the things there are to FEEL and THINK about, my brain gets pretty fried, and I find myself wanting to sit my ass down to zone out on some show or movie instead of pushing my mind to string words together that might be worth reading.

No, I'm not perfect at time management; I tend to procrastinate. I could always be better, but I still don't think that's my biggest problem.

On one hand I'm trying to balance all the things I need and want to do. Whether laundry, writing, dishes, crocheting or administering IV medication, and feeling like I have to do all those things, plus spend time with my family and resenting this, that or the other thing.

To the other hand where I know my time with both my kids and husband (for different reasons) is finite, so I should just chill and be in the moments....

Of course.

But not wanting to drop the ball on any one thing because it's ALL important to me!

Then I wonder: should I quit blogging? Should it just not be a priority for me right now? But, but...NO! I NEED this in order to GET THROUGH my life. I think if I gave this up, I -- ME -- could very well be swallowed up.

It's all so goddamn complicated, and frustrating.

I've always been so Zen about blogging. I don't force any part of it. From what and when I write to social media reach and interaction. I remind myself of this and think, "OK then, just continue to be Zen about it. So you don't post as often as you used to. It's fine."

But then -- like I mentioned at the beginning of this little peek into my brain -- I also remember how much MORE I would love to do with writing online and how I don't want to lose what I've built and that I want to keep this as part of my life in order to still have it when everyone leaves me.

And round and round and round I go.

Does it still count when I can't do as much as I'd like to? Do I come off as a flaky blogger when so many things I've read on the subject tell me to "be consistent"? For how long will have to choke down my disappointment (in myself) when I hear of a fellow blogger who has reached a certain milestone in a year of blogging when I haven't been able to in five?

Will I EVER get to pursue the same sorts of opportunities I see other bloggers pursuing?

What if I'm simply not good enough?

Final question: Will I one day be sitting here with oodles of time on my hands, wondering where my family went, admonishing myself for being so impatient?

(Did you know one could think quite so deeply about blogging?)

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