April 16, 2013

Drawing a Line at 39

I am beginning the final year of my 30s and I am drawing a line in the proverbial sand.

I often characterize my daughter as "slowly but surely". I'm beginning to think the same of myself.

Because I think I should be past many of the "issues" I have by now. Certainly by the time I turn 40 next year.

But then again, I am who I am, shaped by my experiences, and I am where I am, regardless of any self-imposed (or someone else's) timeline.

Who gets to define where I am in my life at what age?

There's a song I love by Sara Bareilles. Perhaps you've heard it. A lyric in the chorus goes, "Who died and made you king of anything?".

And there lies the rub. I don't have to apologize for anything about myself. But I do have some things I would like to be different by my next birthday.

I am sick and goddamn tired of feeling like I need someone else's approval in order to feel good about myself!

That's the biggest thing.

I want to stop doubting that people love me and want to be in my life, warts and all.

It seems that being different than others, and having had a few "fair weather friends", makes you wary. You think, "it would be much easier to have someone 'normal' for a friend. Why do they stick with me?"

Doesn't matter why. Trust it.


I am going to keep working on healing my wounded inner child. And then let it go.

Over the next year I am going to keep working on making myself healthier, mentally and physically, so that by the time I turn 40, I can be proud of it.

And all the big, scary things there are to face?

I am resolved to being confident in the courage I am somehow always able to draw on. It's like, down in my gut. I feel it there. Like armor.

I can do this.

I feel so sure of these things I've written just now. But I must admit, there is still this tiny little voice saying, "I can do this......I hope." But HOPE is my word for this year, so.....there we are.

Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

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