Let's be honest, shall we?

Last week I wrote a post about my stupid PTSD and anxiety. Again. For the umpteenth time.

In the days following my accidental publishing of said post, I did a lot of thinking.

A. Lot. Of. Thinking.

And I've come to a conclusion:

You cannot be 100% open and honest with another human being.

You might be able to be 99% open and honest with ONE person in your life. But the rest? Notsomuch.

And you still have to hold back 1% even from that person.

Because here's the thing:

There are simply things in life, things we feel and things we think, that we have to hold all on our own.

This is apparently something that is a Life Lesson for me. I have not been understanding of this thus far.

I don't think I'm being cynical. Cynicism doesn't look good on me.

Hi, does this cynicism make my butt look big?

Seriously, though. We love, we make connections, we spend time and "do life together". But at the end of the day, it's all you. It's you with your thoughts and feelings and struggles.

My husband is my person who can handle my 99%. I can express just about anything to Mark and know that he will, on some level, be understanding and loving.

The first biggest thing that makes me sad when I think of losing him to his illness is how it will affect our children. The second biggest thing that makes me sad is, for me, the loss of my person. If I lose Mark, I lose someone who gets me like no other.

It scares the hell out of me.

I've heard/seen/read (probably all of the above) that all human beings desire validation. For someone they turn to to say they hear you, they sympathize/empathize/understand/whatever.

That we're not alone in this big crazy world.

How any one of us could possibly feel alone on a planet with 7 billion other souls is beyond me! But it happens. We can feel isolated, like no one sees us.

And, I guess, that is something we have to carry sometimes. Sometimes another person can't help you carry your load, may even be sick of your load. It might feel like everyone is a bit of a "fair weather friend".

I'm thinking this is where that 1% that's all you comes in.

I mean, for what it's worth, this seems to be what this little emotional breakdown I've just had has shown me.

I must accept that I have to carry some of my shit on my own.

And I want to be proud of my ability to carry it, rather than feel like it's my Achilles heel.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Agree or Disagree?

How do I proceed?

I thought I was doing just fine. Thought I was moving through my day-to-day with an ease and grace in the aftermath of what we experienced last March.

Because I am beyond grateful and living in the moment.

And then BLAM! I am smacked in the face with nerves and worry and insecurity.

I am FULL of anxiety.

Perhaps I can blame my kids going back to school leaving me with time to think. Thinking is not always a good thing.

__________

At first I assume I'm feeling insecurities because my friend and I aren't talking as much as we sometimes do. This is my go-to feeling. I've felt this many times before in my life.

Why hasn't she called me?

Why hasn't she texted me?

Is everything OK?

Did I do something? Is she mad at me?

Doesn't she care about me anymore??

Try as I might not to say these things to my friend, I always do. I vomit them all over her and she doesn't know why. She doesn't think anything is wrong. She's just going about her life.

I get offended that she doesn't see it. I think she's being mean to me. Cold and uncaring.

I take a breath. Maybe the angel of friendship (there must be one, right?) whispers in my ear. And it occurs to me that it isn't really about her or our friendship at all.

It's something else entirely. I apologize profusely to my bewildered friend. Who, as a matter of fact, is very concerned about me.

In my utter confusion as to what is really going on with me, I have hyper-focused on entirely the wrong thing. It's an easier thing to focus on than the real issue at hand.

Which is, my ever-present fear and worry of losing my very best friend and soul mate forever. Not my friend whom I've just dumped on, but my husband, my kids' dad.

__________

It has been needling at me for pretty much two full years now, since Mark's bypass surgery on 9/21/10. A year after that I thought it had been the worst night of my life. Until 3/1/12 when Mark's heart stopped again, this time due to arrhythmia.

There was so much talk of death last March. I will never forget how my knees buckled in the middle of the ICU floor hallway when my MIL, dealing with her own fear and worry, bluntly stated, "Well he is going to die." My mother and father both reached out for me, ushering me into a Quiet Room, all of us trying to absorb strength from one another.

We really did think that was going to be it. All our worst fears were about to come true.

And then they didn't. Mark said, "I'm not dead yet!", and proved us all wrong.

I'm not saying it was a miraculous recovery after which all was right with the world. Far from it. We still have much to deal with, and will for however much longer Mark is with us.

And, I think, therein lies the problem. No matter how grateful I am that my husband is still alive. No matter how much I "live in the moment", "soak up the good" or "hold onto joy", I am traumatized. These near-death experiences are haunting me.

Oh and it makes me SO ANGRY! I hate that it's impossible to let go of. That I'm not strong enough to beat PTSD's ass. That it's f*cking with my head.

So now what?

My friend urges me to seek out counseling. I remind her that I did last spring but it seems that if my husband wasn't actually about to die, I don't really need it. It seems that if you're simply having a hard time and would just like to have some help processing, no one knows how to make that happen. I figure with my or Mark's or our kids' insurances, somehow, someway we should be able to afford it.....but I haven't found a good option.

I may ask my doctor if he thinks we should up the dosage of my anxiety med. I take only the smallest amount right now. I will probably start taking the Vitamin B6 my dad swears by....

Regardless, what I know today is that I have to keep swimming. My family needs me. And I can.

__________
Update: I didn't intend to publish this for a few more days; I hit publish accidentally. There is an option to "revert to draft", but since I didn't realize what I did until I started getting comments, I kinda gotta go with it, right? Also, the comments are so nice, and since it's World Gratitude Day, I will just be grateful for a happy accident.

My Cat's Six Word Memoir

Coping Mechanisms

Are you OK?

I have no idea how many times EACH DAY I ask my husband that question.

But I know it's a lot.

While he's still sleeping (if I think he's breathing funny).

Mark.....are you OK?

Shortly after he gets up.

How are you, Honey?

If he starts yawning a lot or can't finish a sentence which could mean his blood sugar is getting low.

Do you need to eat?

When he grunts, groans or moans.

Are you OK??

__________

I worry about Mark. So much.

It's not as if I don't have ample reason to worry. The fact that his heart stopped 6 times in 2 years is enough. Not to mention diabetes and dialysis.

So you can understand why I might not jump for joy when we get a little bit of good news. I may think "well that's good", but I don't feel all that much relief.

We recently found out that Mark's heart pump function has improved since his arrhythmia trauma last March. At that time it was functioning at only 25%, but now it is up to 45%.

This is good news and I spread it, because I know the people who care about us want to know these updates.

On our family Facebook page:

Which I also shared to my personal page. I then posted on my blog fan page where it got 13 likes and a couple of comments. I tweeted and got a few excited replies.

But do you see above how I merely stated the results? No expressions of excitement, no !!! or :-).

It's because there's just a lot to factor in. Sure, this is a bit of good news, but.....

The thing is, too much has happened. Mark has too many health problems that pose various threats to his stability for me to naively celebrate ONE good test result.

This does nothing to reassure me of how much longer my husband will live. How much longer he can push back against all that is trying its damnedest to shove him to the ground.

Mark is an amazing and inspirational testament to the strength of the human spirit!

But....

So sue me if I can't be excited that his heart pump is stronger.. I have to look at the whole picture. I have to keep my head out of the clouds.

I have to be only cautiously optimistic. It's a coping mechanism.

I fear it may come off as cold and callous. That is the opposite of what I really feel. In fact, I feel so much, that if I don't employ a way to deal, I'll absolutely end up a puddle on the floor.

Maybe what some see as cold or callous, is actually strength.

Strength and self-preservation. Because watching someone you love so much suffer with health problems, as well as live with the fear of losing them, hurts. It hurts bad.

There is a constant battle going on inside me to find a balance between the stress and fear on one hand, and the gratitude and joy that my husband is still with us on the other.

So I feel and process. I deal and find gratitude. I self-preserve and I get stronger.

Or it's really just fear and denial. I honestly don't know which. Could be both or all.

All I know is I have my ways of coping. Right, wrong or indifferent....

Men, and the women who blog about them

I am a woman and I am married to a man.

And I blog about him and us.

A lot.

Mark is a HUGE source of blog fodder!

I think he should be proud of that.

Because, as my friend Carin would say, blogging has become my "love language". If I write it and put it out there to the vast Interwebs, I mean it, I put thought and effort into it and I care about it.

I have expressed how much I love my husband, how much I worry about him and the ways in which he annoys me. I've shared how much he's taught me and what I've learned about marriage.

Every single bit of it, is out of love.

I think Mark knows this. He's even written a post of his own!

I mean, I may not have told him about the annoying habits post. But I promise I'm pretty sure I think I hope he would totally get it.

Admittedly, when I first really started getting into blogging he didn't completely get it. He was all, "Why?" and "How come people wanna read about your life?"

As time goes by, however, the more he sees the connections I make, the support I've been given, the things I learn and the opportunities I'm presented with....

In fact, he just told me he thinks it's great. That he gets that I need the outlet and that I might have something to say that others will relate to or learn from. He's proud of the post I wrote about dialysis, and he understands that being a blogger is important to me.

I have to say I really appreciate that, because sometimes I'm not sure some people take what I'm doing here seriously. Like it's just a hobby. Yeah, that's as true as saying I'm just a SAHM. Very few things in life are just anything.

But your blog title is "just Jennifer", you say?

Oh come on! That's totally different and you know it! It's a catchy play on words. DUH.

So yeah. I blog about my husband and he's cool with it. He claims to be an "open book". I don't know about that because I don't know any men who are overly open. But whatever, he can think that if wants. ;-)

If you blog, do you know how your "subjects" feel about it?

Sublime September

The background for this quote is a picture I took of our beautiful blue sky!

We here in the Pacific Northwest are having the NICEST September I can remember in the nine years I've been living in Washington.

Seattle almost broke a record for most consecutive days without rain. We are now on the verge, according to a quick soundbite I heard yesterday morning, of setting a record for the least amount of measurable rainfall in August and September. I think that's what the weather guy said.

I kid you not, like clockwork, it usually rains on the first day of school, the day after Labor Day (or 2 days after Labor Day, but whatever). And thus begins our quick decent into Fall....

Not this year! My son wore SHORTS to his first day of school!

Except for ONE cloudy, drizzly day....

....the weather has been PERFECT. Cool, crisp nights and mornings with mild, breezy afternoons and evenings. And SO. MUCH. SUN.

Why Mother Nature is being so nice to us I do not know.

But I'm enjoying it. Even if it means I have to keep shaving my legs.

Because I know all too well what comes next: once this beautiful weather ends, we won't see it again until next Summer.

Seventh Day of 7th Grade

I did not take a picture of my daughter on her first day of school.

Wait. That's a lie.

I did take a picture of her, but it wasn't her OFFICIAL back-to-school photo.

Today is.

I cannot get her to give me a toothy grin right now
because she recently lost a couple teeth.

Yes, they're edited, but I take all my pictures with my phone.

Politics Aside....

The following is from President Obama's live address to the nation after Osama bin Laden was killed:

Today, amidst the rancor of our current political climate, I wanted to stop to remember 9/11. We call it Patriot Day now. Somehow that seems too nice of a name for such a terrible day, although I get the sentiment.

Thinking about the loss of that day still feels like a sucker punch to the gut. I hope that feeling never dulls. I do not want to be desensitized.

Because this....

photo source

Will never be OK.

Believe me, I have my pretty strong political opinions, and I'm having a hard time not getting caught up in the Presidential campaign. I may write more about that on a later date. But I feel fairly confident that loved ones and survivors of 9/11 don't give a damn about politics today.

So I'm here to say, to reiterate, that I'll....Never Forget.

Pop Hits

I listened to Casey Kasem's Top 40 Countdown every week from about the age of 12.

Yes, I was one of those girls.

I actually still am.

Hi, I'm Jennifer and I like current pop hits.

Back in the day it was Madonna, The Bangles, Debbie Gibson, New Kids on the Block and George Michael.

There are many current hit songs I'm enjoying these days. And even though I do like "Call Me Maybe", I am NOT including it in my list because I am officially sick of it.

For the record, I like LOTS of music, not only this stuff....

10 Popular Songs I Have to Turn Up When They Play
*Links are to YouTube.

1. Anything by Adele, but especially "Someone Like You"

2. "Brighter Than the Sun" by Colbie Caillat

3. "Time of My Life" by The Black Eyed Peas

4. "50 Ways To Say Goodbye" by Train - the lyrics are great!

5. "Love You Like a Love Song" by Selena Gomez & The Scene

6. "Back to December" by Taylor Swift

7. "Blow Me (One Last Kiss)" by Pink - my very favorite Pink song is "Glitter in the Air".

8. "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz



9. "Dark Side" by Kelly Clarkson

10. "Settle Down" by No Doubt

Alright, give me a hard time all you want. I can take it!

The Moment I Knew

When you're really young you wonder and daydream about romance and finding your true love.

How will I know he's the ONE?

"Oh, you'll just know, dear", they say.

As it turns out, it's true. At least it was for me. There was absolutely a distinct moment when I knew that Mark was it for me.

__________

The date was April 7, 1996. Easter. The place was the University of California at San Francisco Medical Center. Mark and I had been together almost two years when he went under the knife for nearly 12 hours to receive a kidney and pancreas transplant.

At first it was only the two of us at the hospital as Mark was prepped for surgery. But by the time they wheeled him away, his mother, father and step-mother had arrived. I was grateful they made the trip, as I had no clue what I was going to do with myself during the long wait ahead of me.

The surgery began in the middle of the night. Since none of us could remember the last time we had eaten, we found an all night diner. The situation was so stressed and tense; very awkward for me to be sitting there with my boyfriend's divorced parents. Mark's dad thought we should try to get some rest. His mom opted to return to the hospital and set up camp in a waiting room. I wish I had joined her, but instead I accepted the invitation to get a hotel room with Mark's dad and step-mom. I slept for about four hours, waking around 7:00 AM, very eager to get back to the hospital. It was excruciating to wait for the others to get ready.

To this day, after many hospital stays, I still do not know what it is about physically being AT the hospital that makes one feel better about what their loved one is going through. It's simply preferable to be right there in the thick of it.

Unfortunately there were 3-4 more hours of surgery remaining once I took my seat in the waiting room next to Mark's mom. We drank complimentary coffee. We made small talk. I walked on eggshells, praying my future in-laws would behave themselves.

Speaking of prayers, I cannot know how many I said from the moment Mark left my sight, to the moment I saw his surgeon standing in front of us. One an hour? One every half hour? All I know is I prayed my little heart out. I prayed for the steadiness of his surgeon's hands, that the donated organs were a good match and would kick-in right away, and that this was the best thing for him.

Some vague time after noon the surgeon appeared. She informed us that the procedure had gone well and that Mark was still asleep. He would need to stay in recovery for an hour or two and then he would be admitted to the ICU for the first couple of days. The best news of all was that as soon as she sutured in the new kidney, it began producing urine!

I believe I stalked the hallway in front of the ICU doors for what seemed like an eternity. Doctors, nurses, students and patient visitors going in and out as I anticipated a glimpse of Mark. When finally he was wheeled by, I could barely tell it was him for all the equipment he was attached to. Once in the ICU, we had to wait for his nurse to get him set up as her charge. The waiting was endless. The waiting is always endless in hospitals.

The time came when we were allowed to see Mark. He was in and out of consciousness. I was very anxious to see him, but I hung back and let his parents go to his bedside first. They touched him gently, spoke quietly. Each of them hoping for a sign from Mark that he knew they were there.

He would try to open his eyes every now and then. Turned his head from side to side some. Maybe also tried to lift his arm. After awhile his mother realized I was waiting and said so to the other two. She gestured for me to come and stepped out of the way.

I couldn't say much past the huge lump in my throat. I came forward and positioned myself on Mark's left side. I hesitated, took a breath and placed my left hand in his and my right hand on top of his head. I said, "Hi Mark, it's me, Jen."

Mark turned his head toward the sound of my voice, opened his eyes and squeezed my hand, hard.

My knees buckled, but I didn't move. How could I possibly? No longer able to contain my emotion,  I grinned and the tears flowed.

In that one moment, when Mark used what little energy he had to acknowledge my presence, he let me know just how much I meant to him, how much he loved me. And I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I felt the same.

__________
I've told this story verbally many times over the years. But I was inspired to write it by a prompt from Mama Kat, and I'm sharing it with the awesome bloggers at the Yeah Write Speakeasy.

First Day of First Grade

original image source

Some Wordless/Wordful Wednesday Link-ups

Coffee Jitters

Parenting by Dummies

Create with Joy

Live and Love Out Loud

Feeling Beachie

Did You Know? You're driving me crazy!

Everyone knows I love my husband, he's perfect in every way....

But.

Maybe you don't know Mark does do some things that push me just a wee bit closer to the loony bin each day.

Such as....

Leaving things out.

Not hearing me.

Forgetting the things I tell him.

Claims he can't not pass gas.

Buys more than what he went to the store for. Every. Single. Time.

Leaves his socks, shoes/sandals and hats all over the place.

He likes really soft bread, but he'll leave the package open.

He makes me worry so much when he loses track of time and I can't reach him.

Oh here, just to make it fair, I'll list the things I do that probably make Mark crazy.

Umm....let's see....well....

Oh, I know! I leave my coffee spoon out on the counter all day. But I have a good reason for that. I mean, what if I want more coffee? Why dirty another spoon?

My avoidance of the mail.

And....

Nope, that's it, can't think of anything else.

If you're married you totally know what I'm talking about.
But if not.... DID YOU KNOW?
Got something interesting, informative or trivial to share? Write, grab the button ---> & link up through Friday!

Yes, you have to go back to school.

I loved school when I was a kid. The first day of school was so exciting. I even dressed up for it when I was in elementary school.

My kids? Not so much. I mean, I think they think it's kinda cool, but if they have any feelings of liking it, they hide it well. When I would bring the subject up over the summer, AJ would pretty much ignore me.

When I mentioned that we needed to get him a backpack, he actually asked, "What for?"

I said, "Um, for school, dude." He replied, "Oh."

I've been trying to convince him of how much cooler first grade will be than kindergarten was, that he's a big kid now, going to school all day just like the rest of the kids, and that he gets to eat lunch there with his friends. I tell him how smart I know he is and how much he's going to learn this year. 

AJ does love to learn, but he is a serious playing kid too. Gotta play Xbox, ride his bike, learn to skateboard, hang with friends. He just doesn't like that school means less time for all that.

10 Things I'm Thinking About as Back-to-School Approaches

1. I'm a wee bit concerned about the District's readiness this year. They haven't yet finalized the school year calendar. Camryn's middle school decided to use a new scheduling software, so they didn't have class schedules ready on orientation day. And they made the first day the 5th instead of the 4th.

2. AJ is super excited that his kindergarten teacher moved to first grade and he was placed in her class again this year. He thinks Mrs. V is the best! I'm sure this helps him feel like first grade might be OK.

3. I am trying to contain my excitement that my kids will both be gone until nearly 4:00 every afternoon. Well, every day that is a regular school day. Because, let's face it, there are a lot of no school and half days too.

4. Now if I could just get Home Depot to schedule Mark's hours during the week more.....

5. As much as I look forward to my beloved offspring being out of the house most days, it really is a bittersweet thing. School is a whole chunk of my kids' lives that is completely separate from me. It's THEIR own thing. I can ask how their day was and what they did till I'm blue in the face, but they often don't share many details.

6. AJ will get on the bus at 8:54 and I will go for a walk at 9:00!

7. I asked Camryn what she hopes for 7th grade, and she said, "That she gets an elective." I asked if she'll be OK if she doesn't, to which she replied, "Yeah, I guess." Please, oh please, let her have passed the stupid standardized test last spring! Or, better yet, let them have done away with that terrible rule.

8. Camryn needs new shoes because she's a freaking size 6 1/2 now!

9. I'm going to try to get myself to an eye doctor in order to start the process of getting me some new glasses. I haven't had my eyes looked at since we moved to Washington over 9 years ago, and I've had my current pair of glasses even longer. I know, I know! It just hasn't been a priority.

10. It's time to tweek our sleep schedules. Have to get up earlier, so we have to go to bed earlier.

This is the very first year since Camryn started school that I felt like summer flew by. It's been real. It's been fun. Now I'm eager to begin this new chapter in our lives. My hope is that my kids will learn lots and that I will be ready, and even excited, to help them with their homework each afternoon.

Wish us luck for staying motivated and organized!

PS: My other monthly link-up, Did You Know? is happening tomorrow - Friday!