September 26, 2012

Let's be honest, shall we?

Last week I wrote a post about my stupid PTSD and anxiety. Again. For the umpteenth time.

In the days following my accidental publishing of said post, I did a lot of thinking.

A. Lot. Of. Thinking.

And I've come to a conclusion:

You cannot be 100% open and honest with another human being.

You might be able to be 99% open and honest with ONE person in your life. But the rest? Notsomuch.

And you still have to hold back 1% even from that person.

Because here's the thing:

There are simply things in life, things we feel and things we think, that we have to hold all on our own.

This is apparently something that is a Life Lesson for me. I have not been understanding of this thus far.

I don't think I'm being cynical. Cynicism doesn't look good on me.

Hi, does this cynicism make my butt look big?

Seriously, though. We love, we make connections, we spend time and "do life together". But at the end of the day, it's all you. It's you with your thoughts and feelings and struggles.

My husband is my person who can handle my 99%. I can express just about anything to Mark and know that he will, on some level, be understanding and loving.

The first biggest thing that makes me sad when I think of losing him to his illness is how it will affect our children. The second biggest thing that makes me sad is, for me, the loss of my person. If I lose Mark, I lose someone who gets me like no other.

It scares the hell out of me.

I've heard/seen/read (probably all of the above) that all human beings desire validation. For someone they turn to to say they hear you, they sympathize/empathize/understand/whatever.

That we're not alone in this big crazy world.

How any one of us could possibly feel alone on a planet with 7 billion other souls is beyond me! But it happens. We can feel isolated, like no one sees us.

And, I guess, that is something we have to carry sometimes. Sometimes another person can't help you carry your load, may even be sick of your load. It might feel like everyone is a bit of a "fair weather friend".

I'm thinking this is where that 1% that's all you comes in.

I mean, for what it's worth, this seems to be what this little emotional breakdown I've just had has shown me.

I must accept that I have to carry some of my shit on my own.

And I want to be proud of my ability to carry it, rather than feel like it's my Achilles heel.

Do you get what I'm saying?
Agree or Disagree?

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