Kid Gloves

I feel lately like when I say something about the trauma I've been through people feel they need to console me in some way.

I don't know if they mean to make me think they think I'm weak, but that's often what I feel.

Like I have FRAGILE: Handle With Care stamped across my forehead.

I suppose I am kind of fragile.

But dangit, It makes me feel like I shouldn't say anything at all. It makes me feel like everyone is waiting for me to crack.

To become the puddle I've so long been fearing I'd turn into.

The puddle that I'm actually learning to not be afraid of.

But now it feels like everyone else is afraid of it.

Oh my god, Jen's just gotta lose it eventually!

We should walk on eggshells around her; handle her with kid gloves because she might crack.

I feel like my friends have stopped sharing their lives with me, even holding me at arm's length. Like because I go through some hard things that I couldn't possibly still care about their lives.

I don't know if that's the truth. I just know that's how it feels to me.

It feels lonely.

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone they'll complain about some aspect of their life and then stop themselves and say something like, "Oh but that's not anything like what you deal with....".

So? My troubles are mine and your troubles are yours and it's all subjective anyway.

I don't corner the market on pain. And I would never presume to.

Shouldn't we all just be there for each other?

Is it because I've finally sought out counseling? But that is what will help me be stronger.

And everyone says I should, that I need it and it's good for me.

Yet.....

So I'm confused. I am confused about what people are trying to do where I'm concerned.

Is it support? But it feels more like......not being given any credit.

I don't know. Like I said, it's confusing.

It's all making me feel sort of dumb.

And I don't know what to do with that.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

I Love These Ladies

I have somehow managed to make some pretty amazing friends in my life. I have a BFF who has known and loved me since we were in high school together. Ever since, we have maintained a strong long-distance relationship.

I made a very special friend when I moved to the Bay Area. Someone who has gone through many of the same things I have, who will probably always understand a good deal of what it's like to be me.

Then there are the women who have taken pieces of my heart over the last 9 years. We started out having only motherhood and marriage in common. As the years have progressed we have bonded over so many other things.

We've been with each other through births, deaths, medical problems, anxiety, depression, holidays, weddings, birthdays, buying homes, changing jobs....LIFE. We're witnessing each other's children growing up, comparing notes and horror stories. They make me a better mother.

These women who have become constants in my life are so important to me. They have their own little spaces in my heart, and always will have.

I cannot tell you how amazing it was to have them by my side -- literally -- when I gave birth to AJ.  The two times Mark has nearly died, they were right there, stuck to me, making sure I was taken care of, hard-pressed to leave when they had to. Some of the most touching things they've done have involved my children, being there for them so I knew they were in good, loving hands.

There's all the big deal, important life stuff that makes us friends, but there's also a lot of FUN. They are crazy gals with great senses of humor and sass.

We have been doing Wine Club Wednesdays for the past few months. We had an 80s night last week in honor of "Rock of Ages" coming out on video. Also, we're all at some point in our 30s, so we have some fond memories....

I'm right in the middle - see how much they love me?

Desperately Seeking.....Something?

Sportin' the blue eye shadow!

What can I say? Her ass was sticking out!

Whoa, this is heavy.

Legwarmers galore!

Oh yeah, we had wine!

Good friends are there for the serious stuff....and for the serious fun!

When I'm with my friends I feel loved and accepted. I feel like they were meant to be in my life every bit as much as my husband. I trust them. I adore them.

Life seems to have gotten quite a bit busier lately, but I hope they know -- really know -- how very much I love them, and that I feel so privileged that they care for me.

How do I proceed?

I thought I was doing just fine. Thought I was moving through my day-to-day with an ease and grace in the aftermath of what we experienced last March.

Because I am beyond grateful and living in the moment.

And then BLAM! I am smacked in the face with nerves and worry and insecurity.

I am FULL of anxiety.

Perhaps I can blame my kids going back to school leaving me with time to think. Thinking is not always a good thing.

__________

At first I assume I'm feeling insecurities because my friend and I aren't talking as much as we sometimes do. This is my go-to feeling. I've felt this many times before in my life.

Why hasn't she called me?

Why hasn't she texted me?

Is everything OK?

Did I do something? Is she mad at me?

Doesn't she care about me anymore??

Try as I might not to say these things to my friend, I always do. I vomit them all over her and she doesn't know why. She doesn't think anything is wrong. She's just going about her life.

I get offended that she doesn't see it. I think she's being mean to me. Cold and uncaring.

I take a breath. Maybe the angel of friendship (there must be one, right?) whispers in my ear. And it occurs to me that it isn't really about her or our friendship at all.

It's something else entirely. I apologize profusely to my bewildered friend. Who, as a matter of fact, is very concerned about me.

In my utter confusion as to what is really going on with me, I have hyper-focused on entirely the wrong thing. It's an easier thing to focus on than the real issue at hand.

Which is, my ever-present fear and worry of losing my very best friend and soul mate forever. Not my friend whom I've just dumped on, but my husband, my kids' dad.

__________

It has been needling at me for pretty much two full years now, since Mark's bypass surgery on 9/21/10. A year after that I thought it had been the worst night of my life. Until 3/1/12 when Mark's heart stopped again, this time due to arrhythmia.

There was so much talk of death last March. I will never forget how my knees buckled in the middle of the ICU floor hallway when my MIL, dealing with her own fear and worry, bluntly stated, "Well he is going to die." My mother and father both reached out for me, ushering me into a Quiet Room, all of us trying to absorb strength from one another.

We really did think that was going to be it. All our worst fears were about to come true.

And then they didn't. Mark said, "I'm not dead yet!", and proved us all wrong.

I'm not saying it was a miraculous recovery after which all was right with the world. Far from it. We still have much to deal with, and will for however much longer Mark is with us.

And, I think, therein lies the problem. No matter how grateful I am that my husband is still alive. No matter how much I "live in the moment", "soak up the good" or "hold onto joy", I am traumatized. These near-death experiences are haunting me.

Oh and it makes me SO ANGRY! I hate that it's impossible to let go of. That I'm not strong enough to beat PTSD's ass. That it's f*cking with my head.

So now what?

My friend urges me to seek out counseling. I remind her that I did last spring but it seems that if my husband wasn't actually about to die, I don't really need it. It seems that if you're simply having a hard time and would just like to have some help processing, no one knows how to make that happen. I figure with my or Mark's or our kids' insurances, somehow, someway we should be able to afford it.....but I haven't found a good option.

I may ask my doctor if he thinks we should up the dosage of my anxiety med. I take only the smallest amount right now. I will probably start taking the Vitamin B6 my dad swears by....

Regardless, what I know today is that I have to keep swimming. My family needs me. And I can.

__________
Update: I didn't intend to publish this for a few more days; I hit publish accidentally. There is an option to "revert to draft", but since I didn't realize what I did until I started getting comments, I kinda gotta go with it, right? Also, the comments are so nice, and since it's World Gratitude Day, I will just be grateful for a happy accident.