How do I proceed?

I thought I was doing just fine. Thought I was moving through my day-to-day with an ease and grace in the aftermath of what we experienced last March.

Because I am beyond grateful and living in the moment.

And then BLAM! I am smacked in the face with nerves and worry and insecurity.

I am FULL of anxiety.

Perhaps I can blame my kids going back to school leaving me with time to think. Thinking is not always a good thing.

__________

At first I assume I'm feeling insecurities because my friend and I aren't talking as much as we sometimes do. This is my go-to feeling. I've felt this many times before in my life.

Why hasn't she called me?

Why hasn't she texted me?

Is everything OK?

Did I do something? Is she mad at me?

Doesn't she care about me anymore??

Try as I might not to say these things to my friend, I always do. I vomit them all over her and she doesn't know why. She doesn't think anything is wrong. She's just going about her life.

I get offended that she doesn't see it. I think she's being mean to me. Cold and uncaring.

I take a breath. Maybe the angel of friendship (there must be one, right?) whispers in my ear. And it occurs to me that it isn't really about her or our friendship at all.

It's something else entirely. I apologize profusely to my bewildered friend. Who, as a matter of fact, is very concerned about me.

In my utter confusion as to what is really going on with me, I have hyper-focused on entirely the wrong thing. It's an easier thing to focus on than the real issue at hand.

Which is, my ever-present fear and worry of losing my very best friend and soul mate forever. Not my friend whom I've just dumped on, but my husband, my kids' dad.

__________

It has been needling at me for pretty much two full years now, since Mark's bypass surgery on 9/21/10. A year after that I thought it had been the worst night of my life. Until 3/1/12 when Mark's heart stopped again, this time due to arrhythmia.

There was so much talk of death last March. I will never forget how my knees buckled in the middle of the ICU floor hallway when my MIL, dealing with her own fear and worry, bluntly stated, "Well he is going to die." My mother and father both reached out for me, ushering me into a Quiet Room, all of us trying to absorb strength from one another.

We really did think that was going to be it. All our worst fears were about to come true.

And then they didn't. Mark said, "I'm not dead yet!", and proved us all wrong.

I'm not saying it was a miraculous recovery after which all was right with the world. Far from it. We still have much to deal with, and will for however much longer Mark is with us.

And, I think, therein lies the problem. No matter how grateful I am that my husband is still alive. No matter how much I "live in the moment", "soak up the good" or "hold onto joy", I am traumatized. These near-death experiences are haunting me.

Oh and it makes me SO ANGRY! I hate that it's impossible to let go of. That I'm not strong enough to beat PTSD's ass. That it's f*cking with my head.

So now what?

My friend urges me to seek out counseling. I remind her that I did last spring but it seems that if my husband wasn't actually about to die, I don't really need it. It seems that if you're simply having a hard time and would just like to have some help processing, no one knows how to make that happen. I figure with my or Mark's or our kids' insurances, somehow, someway we should be able to afford it.....but I haven't found a good option.

I may ask my doctor if he thinks we should up the dosage of my anxiety med. I take only the smallest amount right now. I will probably start taking the Vitamin B6 my dad swears by....

Regardless, what I know today is that I have to keep swimming. My family needs me. And I can.

__________
Update: I didn't intend to publish this for a few more days; I hit publish accidentally. There is an option to "revert to draft", but since I didn't realize what I did until I started getting comments, I kinda gotta go with it, right? Also, the comments are so nice, and since it's World Gratitude Day, I will just be grateful for a happy accident.

Grief

This may be short and sweet.  It may get long.  I really have no clue because my thoughts and feelings are very jumbled at the moment.

At the moment?  Try for the last 5 days since my uncle passed away.

I am not the one who is hurt most by this sudden loss.  He was not my father, partner, brother or son, connections that bind tighter than uncle and niece.  Still, I feel so much.

I feel extreme empathy for my family members.  For my dad, aunt and uncle who lost another brother.  For my grandmother who lost another son.  For my cousins who last their dad, and my uncle's partner who lost her love.  And simply for the tragedy of it happening so suddenly and sooner than anyone was prepared for.

And right now, as I type this, I feel anger.  His death has been confirmed as a heart attack.  I just stopped crying over this. Too many heart attacks around me.  They seem to be my nemesis.  My husband has had two, my father one and now this.  Oh and there have been others.  The way I remember it as a child, my great-grandfather had one while driving which caused his death.

*Deep breaths* Reeling myself in before I start going off and dropping F-bombs and shit.  Oops.  Oh well.  Fuck it.

Grief.  There are stages and phases, it wanes, it waxes.  There is no prescribed amount of time it should last and everyone reacts to it differently.  I know these things.  I also know I don't have any answers.  I find myself simply shaking my head a lot, in utter disbelief with only an nth of understanding about how these things happen.

This is very hard for me because I always want to know WHY?  But I can't know.  Not about the complexities of life and death.  It's not for me to know.  It's not about me.  It's about God and universal flow and Karma and all that jazz.  I am but a spec.  My uncle is but a spec.  And I get that.  I am actually somehow comforted by this because I know it's not up to me.  God's got it covered, whether any of us can comprehend it or not.

Well, my uncle wasn't a spec to us.  He was a good uncle.  He was someone I've known my entire life.  His girls are at least 9 years younger than me and I helped take care of them when they were babies.  He bore an uncanny resemblance to my father, so much so that it actually creeped me out a little when I was a kid.  Yet on the other hand, their resemblance made him all the more familiar and safe.

Uncle Mark made the trip down to California for my wedding, and since we've returned to Washington, he's been there for many things.  He helped us move, he attended a couple of my kids' birthday parties and he always gave my kids a little something for Christmas.  Last year when my Mark was recuperating from bypass surgery, uncle Mark helped my dad take care of our lawn.  He was the guy we knew with a large enough truck to haul a couch, which he did for us twice.

I have always admired my uncle for following his passion for music.  He was a good musician and singer, beloved locally by many.  And he managed to make a living at it.  I am ashamed to say that my only experience seeing him perform live was exactly one week before he died.  Interesting thing is, I felt pushed to go to the Hometown Hootenanny that night.  We had been invited to come several times before but I had blown it off for one reason or another.  I am so glad I listened to the little internal voice telling me to go.

Mostly for me, I am rocked by the fact that another of my father's siblings is gone.  This is a huge thing to try to get used to.  It's always been the FIVE Hibbert siblings, Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay, in that order.  And I've loved them all.  Now Mark and Clay are both gone and I kinda don't know what to do with that.  I don't know how to process that this is happening out of order.  Not only among the five of them, but also that they've gone before their mother.  It doesn't make sense, and it sucks to feel like you're counting down the people in your life.

And then there's the fact that I had to ask my dad to talk with me about his plans and wishes for when his time comes.  I want to know exactly what to do, no questions.  I need my mother and step-father to do the same.

This fucking sucks.


11/1/11: Linking to Lovelinks!

City of Angels

I watched the movie City of Angles last night.  It has Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan and is about an angel who decides to "fall" and become human because he is in love.  I've seen this movie before and it made me cry my eyes out because the love story ends tragically.  In fact, the first time I saw it I thought, what the hell was that?  Why would you make such an awful movie?  But that reaction was to the love story aspect, not the point the movie was trying to make as a whole.  As it turns out, I now love this movie.

One reason I love it is because it portrays angels pretty much how I imagine them to be.  They are all around us, watching and waiting for when they're assistance is needed.  And when it is, they are simply there, close to you, perhaps put a hand on you or whisper in your ear.  And then they are there for the dying, to escort them to the light.

The other reason I now see this movie in a different light is because of its "lesson".  That is, that the human existence is wonderful and beautiful and to be cherished.  That everything we see, taste, feel, hear and smell is amazing and should be appreciated.  And yes, that even the hardships and hurts we experience have value.  So when I watched City of Angels last night, I didn't cry at the tragic part.  I got choked up over the pain experienced, but felt at peace knowing there was a bigger picture.

Of course like I always do with deep, meaningful movies (or shows or books), I tried to see how I could apply what I just learned to my own life.  Watching this beautiful movie helped me with the things I personally struggle with.  Specifically, my husband Mark's chronic illness(es).

I have been in pain over what Mark has had to go through, over almost losing him more than once.  That pain is valid and I own it.  BUT, my life is rich and full and beautiful.  I am honored to be a human being, to love Mark and be loved by him, to be Cami and AJ's mom, to be my mom and dad's daughter, to be a best friend...to be doing this thing called LIFE.  Sometimes it hurts and sometimes we don't understand.  But all we can do, all we are expected to do, is the best we can with what we've been given and to LIVE.

These are things I already knew, but it's good to be reminded.  This is not to say that we have to just accept and appreciate everything that's thrown at us automatically.  Life is still a process, a journey.  As humans we have feelings and emotions and must recognize, decipher and work through them in order to grow and learn.  As long as we can get back to the basic fact that life is good and valuable, we'll be alright.  The love and support of others, and perhaps a really good movie that lends some perspective, go a long way.  Throw some laughter in the mix, and you've got the recipe for a full and happy life.  Oh, and TIME.  Time heals all things.

"The magnitude of life is overwhelming. Angels are here to help us take it peace by peace."

~ Levende Waters

Updated 6/25/13 to be shared with Going Green: recycling missed posts.