The View From Here: Listening to my Middle-Schooler

Well I have known this week's View contributor for quite awhile now. I think our paths crossed doing Monday Listicles....

Katie of Your Girls and Boys is a working mom of 3. Her oldest is just a year younger than my daughter, and is who she was inspired to talk about today.

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Listening to my Middle-Schooler

Jen’s The View From Here series is all about perspective, so when I was thinking about what I wanted to share here today, I thought about my many perspectives in life – the different lenses I view life through every single day, and how my perspective has changed over time. The biggest shift for me in recent years has been my perspective on motherhood. It changes as you’re parenting a baby, then a toddler, a little kid, a big kid, a tween – and though I’m not quite there yet – a teenager.

At a Loss

My daughter has Attention Deficit Disorder. She doesn't really have the hyperactivity factor, so I leave the H out. Her problems are inattention and impulsiveness. She is forgetful and disorganized.

Camryn struggles a great deal in school. If I'm being honest, in everything that is a responsibility, really.

My biggest concern is school, though. She is currently in 7th grade. Middle school has been a shock to her system. ADD kids tend to mature at a slower rate than their peers, so the things that are expected of every other kid her age are a bit more daunting for Cami. It's like she doesn't quite 'get' things they way she ought to. Or rather, the way she is expected to.

My daughter doesn't fit into a pretty little box. Her brain works differently. She processes differently.

I think she had an actual panic attack during a portion of the state testing last week! She felt dizzy and was having a hard time catching her breath. She was having such a hard time we had to pick her up and bring her home.

Her dad and I have been banging our heads up against the school walls for years now, but most especially since Camryn entered middle school in 6th grade. I thought surely by now, nearly the end of 7th grade, she'd have figured things out, gotten into a groove and would be able manage.

But we still struggle. And it is all of us, not just her. She is struggling to hold it all together, and failing, quite literally. But we as her parents are struggling with how else to help her. What more can we do that we haven't already done?

We are good parents. Mark and I do all the things we should do for our kids. We are very interested in their schooling. We have had teachers thank us profusely for being the kind of parents who attend all the conferences, make sure homework gets done, email the teachers with questions and ask for feedback on our kids. We aren't active in the PTA, but we are attentive to what is going on with our children.

But now? Now I am at a loss as to how to help Camryn do better in school. Her teachers tell me they care, that I can email them with questions anytime, and Cami even has a 504 plan. However, I feel like I hit a wall whenever I try to communicate with her teachers, and her counselor is pretty much a non-entity due to budget cuts.

I don't know what I can reasonably expect of her as an ADD kid. Should I be expecting her to talk to her teachers herself and relay the information to me? It doesn't seem to work at all. Just yesterday I told her to talk to her science teacher about the F she currently has in his class. I asked her about it when she got home. Camryn said she did talk to him, but could not, for the life of her, remember what he said.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Camryn's inattention makes her come off as flighty and unconcerned. I must admit, it often feels to me like she just doesn't care and sometimes that makes me very impatient with her. But I know that can't be the case, because I also know a bright, inquisitive and curious child who has these moments of clarity and perceptiveness.

She isn't dumb. But I sure feel dumb not knowing what to do to help her.

Middle school isn't the be all, end all, but high school kind of is, and I feel like we're running out of time to prepare her for it.

We need some extra help, and I think that it will have to come in the form of a counselor for Camryn. Perhaps we should have had her in behavioral therapy already. I just really thought we had a handle on things because she doesn't necessarily have any behavioral problems per se. We have been lucky on that end of possible ADD issues.

This feeling of helplessness is just the worst.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

Yes, you have to go back to school.

I loved school when I was a kid. The first day of school was so exciting. I even dressed up for it when I was in elementary school.

My kids? Not so much. I mean, I think they think it's kinda cool, but if they have any feelings of liking it, they hide it well. When I would bring the subject up over the summer, AJ would pretty much ignore me.

When I mentioned that we needed to get him a backpack, he actually asked, "What for?"

I said, "Um, for school, dude." He replied, "Oh."

I've been trying to convince him of how much cooler first grade will be than kindergarten was, that he's a big kid now, going to school all day just like the rest of the kids, and that he gets to eat lunch there with his friends. I tell him how smart I know he is and how much he's going to learn this year. 

AJ does love to learn, but he is a serious playing kid too. Gotta play Xbox, ride his bike, learn to skateboard, hang with friends. He just doesn't like that school means less time for all that.

10 Things I'm Thinking About as Back-to-School Approaches

1. I'm a wee bit concerned about the District's readiness this year. They haven't yet finalized the school year calendar. Camryn's middle school decided to use a new scheduling software, so they didn't have class schedules ready on orientation day. And they made the first day the 5th instead of the 4th.

2. AJ is super excited that his kindergarten teacher moved to first grade and he was placed in her class again this year. He thinks Mrs. V is the best! I'm sure this helps him feel like first grade might be OK.

3. I am trying to contain my excitement that my kids will both be gone until nearly 4:00 every afternoon. Well, every day that is a regular school day. Because, let's face it, there are a lot of no school and half days too.

4. Now if I could just get Home Depot to schedule Mark's hours during the week more.....

5. As much as I look forward to my beloved offspring being out of the house most days, it really is a bittersweet thing. School is a whole chunk of my kids' lives that is completely separate from me. It's THEIR own thing. I can ask how their day was and what they did till I'm blue in the face, but they often don't share many details.

6. AJ will get on the bus at 8:54 and I will go for a walk at 9:00!

7. I asked Camryn what she hopes for 7th grade, and she said, "That she gets an elective." I asked if she'll be OK if she doesn't, to which she replied, "Yeah, I guess." Please, oh please, let her have passed the stupid standardized test last spring! Or, better yet, let them have done away with that terrible rule.

8. Camryn needs new shoes because she's a freaking size 6 1/2 now!

9. I'm going to try to get myself to an eye doctor in order to start the process of getting me some new glasses. I haven't had my eyes looked at since we moved to Washington over 9 years ago, and I've had my current pair of glasses even longer. I know, I know! It just hasn't been a priority.

10. It's time to tweek our sleep schedules. Have to get up earlier, so we have to go to bed earlier.

This is the very first year since Camryn started school that I felt like summer flew by. It's been real. It's been fun. Now I'm eager to begin this new chapter in our lives. My hope is that my kids will learn lots and that I will be ready, and even excited, to help them with their homework each afternoon.

Wish us luck for staying motivated and organized!

PS: My other monthly link-up, Did You Know? is happening tomorrow - Friday!

Talking to my daughter about sex on a random summer afternoon seems as good a time as any.

Today is my daughter's 12th birthday. Camryn is my Millennium Baby.

Her due date was the 4th of July, but she was a week late. I was scheduled to be induced late on the 13th so when I went into labor on my own early in the morning on the 11th, I was in complete denial, and didn't make it to the hospital until I was dilated 8 centimeters. My baby girl came into the world at 11:05 AM looking exactly like her father. I still don't understand how that can make for a cute baby girl, but somehow it does.

Just as I teach Cami things, she teaches me too. I was not an incredibly patient person before she was born. There's something about pacing and pacing the house trying to get a tired baby to sleep that makes you patient. She is a lot like her dad, something I really didn't prepare myself for. Instead of butting heads with her because she sees things differently than I do, I'm learning to simply tell her my way of thinking, and let her determine her own way. Sometimes she's nice and decides to agree with me.

I mention a lot that Camryn has ADD. For her it manifests as "chatty cathy", shy, inattentive and naive. For years I have genuinely appreciated her naivete, because it meant many of the more adult things she may have been exposed to over the years went right over her head. For the most part she has remained a sweet and innocent girl. This does a mom's heart well.

However, since she started middle school last September I have been feeling increasingly concerned that she was still a little too innocent. I began to worry that the other kids could easily fill her head with wrong information, because they think they know stuff, and she would believe it.

I had a conversation with my friend Jessica, whose son is the same age, and who has known my daughter since she was 3. I wondered if Cami knew what sex was (because she hadn't asked me). Jessica replied that she thought she probably did, just because of kids at school.

Well that kind of freaked me out. I mean, I know about, and signed the permission slip for, the puberty videos and talks in 4th and 5th grade. I'm all for those because everyone needs to know about their bodies. I remember being grateful for them when I was a kid because it meant I could have a few less awkward talks with my parents!

So I knew Cami knew about puberty. But did she know anything about sex?

She turned 5 when I was pregnant with her little brother. I thought for sure she'd think to ask, "Mommy, how are babies made?" But she didn't, and I didn't offer the information. She did ask how the baby "gets out". When I started to tell her the truth, she was completely grossed out, so I ended up saying, "I will go to the hospital and my doctor will help me get the baby out."

Now here we are, Camryn is 12 and heading into 7th grade. I had decided after my little chat with Jessica that I just needed to talk to her, find out what she knows, and fill in any blanks. The perfect opportunity arose this past Saturday. It was just the two of us in the house; her reading on the couch.

We had The Talk. Turned out she didn't really know anything, except that boys have sperm and girls have eggs, but she didn't know how they got together. She had no idea about intercourse, and when I told her, she said, "Eeww!" I said I understood the eeww factor, but everyone eventually feels differently about it.

I told her that when a girl gets her period it means she's able to have babies, and that sex is how babies are made. I also told her about birth control, and threw in a little about being in love, that some people choose to wait until marriage and that you should be MUCH OLDER than she is now. She nodded her head vigorously.

I told Cami I hope she knows she can talk to me about anything, but that if she ever feels just too weird about it, that my best girlfriends would be there for her too. In closing I asked if she had any questions and she shook her head. I know she's the kind of person who needs new information to sink in before she's ready to talk about it. Thankfully, "Call Me Maybe" came on right at that moment, so I turned it up, told her I loved her, and left it at that.

Then I walked into the kitchen and took one helluva deep breath.

Hanging out at yeahwrite!

Doing My Due Diligence

I have a parenting challenge that is weighing on me quite a bit right now.

A little backstory

My daughter Camryn has Attention Deficit Disorder with an emphasis on being inattentive and impulsive.  This was first brought to our attention (no pun intended) when she was in kindergarten.  Since she's a summer baby and therefor one of the youngest in her class, we thought maybe she just needed a little time to mature more.  So we didn't do anything about her possible ADD until about the middle of first grade.

I don't need to write out ALL the details.  Suffice it to say, she does indeed have ADD and she does take a stimulant daily.  From 6 1/2 to 11 1/2 (where we are now) there have been many ups and downs in regards to behavior, meds and school.  But for the most part, she has been a bright, inquisitive, well-behaved girl who seems to enjoy school and learning.  We have seen her trying her hardest over the years.

Where we're at today

School is what I'm really concerned with right now.  Well, that and just this overall lack of effort on her part.  Because it's not only evident in regards to her schoolwork and grades, but also here at home.

When I first started writing this we were on day 3 of Cami being home sick.  On the first day she was home I logged into the school family access site where we parents can view our children's school records.  This includes grades, assignments, attendance and any disciplinary actions.  Now, this was my first time logging in all year because I didn't know I needed to disable my pop-up blocker for it open the secure window (so I just thought it wasn't working for me).

What I found was very disheartening.  Cami is in 6th grade this year and we are nearing the end of the first semester when they will be filing report cards.  According to the online records, she currently has 3 Ds.

She has always struggled with math and we did experience a hiccup with that earlier in the year.  But that turned out to only be about an assignment she simply didn't turn in.  Total ADD move on her part.  So you live and learn, right?  Ever since then, we have routinely asked her if she's turned in her completed work, to which she always answers yes.

I guess my first clue to the troubles should have been when she called me from school and told me she needed to turn in 2 missing math workbooks.  I asked her if she had them, she said yes, so I said to freaking turn them in!  She replied that they weren't finished.  I told her that doesn't matter.  Some is better than none.

In fact, whether she finishes all her math homework or not doesn't matter, according to the agreement we made with her math teacher and written into her 504 plan.  Her math teacher explained to us that it should only take each student about 30 minutes to do their homework.  Since Cami has ADD, if someone is sitting with her, helping to keep her on task, that's all she will expect of her as well (if she's working on her own, we'll give her an hour).  The teacher said math homework is really just practice, so finishing it all isn't necessarily the point; as long as she's trying and doing most of it, she will get credit.

But here Camryn is still thinking she can't turn it in if it's not complete.  So it shows an F in her record.

Seeing an F in your child's school record is one of the most upsetting things for a parent.  Or at least it is for me.  F means FAIL.  I don't want my child to fail!

OK. So, I talked about all of this with her, explained that something is better than nothing and that if the teacher tells Cami she has to finish it, to have her call me because that's not what is supposed to happen. I also spoke with her about how now that she's in middle school her grades count towards the rest of her school career, and ultimately the rest of her life.

That's a big thing to lay on an 11 year old, but it's the truth.  I told her we expect nothing less than a C and if she brings home Ds or Fs there will be serious consequences.  I reiterated what my mother told me, that school is her job and her grades are her pay.

Camryn listened, nodded, said OK....

But then I'm up in her room a day later sorting through her laundry and such.  Now, keeping her room clean has always been an issue, and seems to be an issue for most ADD kids.  She's sick, so I'm not bothering her much, but when it comes time to put some clean laundry away, I discover that the last time I had her put away clean clothes, she simply threw them all into the bottom drawer of her dresser.  I also discovered that she's shoving hoodies onto a shelf in her closet, rather than hanging them up.

These might seem like small things, but this combined with the school stuff screams of a total lack of effort on her part.  All this time I was under the impression that she always tries her hardest, that it's just difficult for her to stay on task.  And I still think that's true.....but....

I also think she is just kind of floating through her little life right now.  I guess she's lost in her own little world way more than I thought.

I've been wracking my brain with, "what do I do?" and "how do I help her?".

For many parenting dilemmas I believe in natural consequences, but I'm now thinking that might not be the way to go with her, with this.  She's not stupid, but she is...how do I say this delicately....?  Things go in one ear and out the other, or right over her head entirely.  Let me say again, she is not dumb, she's just got ADD and her brain is all over the place.

I think I am going to have to hold her hand and walk her through some things for awhile.  Things that other 11 1/2 year-olds can take care of just fine on their own, Cami still needs help with.

We are going to have to start checking her binder and planner religiously every day, as well as help her organize each assignment so she knows when to turn it in (which should already be written down in her planner, but....).  I will have to start checking the online records at least weekly.

As for her bedroom, I am going to have to help her get it really cleaned up and organized, and then push her into a routine of keeping it that way.

Nag, nag, nag.

So I know what I and we have to do.  The problem is how exactly to execute it.  How to balance it so that I don't go back to doing everything for her.  And how to get her to understand that these things matter and are important.  I think it is so easy for an ADD kid to just not care about certain things because it's so hard to focus on them.

I worry so much about her future if she doesn't learn how to take care of these things now, while she still has mom and dad to help her.  Since learning about ADD, I have felt that my most important job as her mother will be to teach her how to function well -- how to be organized, not lose things, not always be late to places.  If I can teach my ADD daughter these things, I will feel successful as her mother.

Right now, I'm failing at this and I'm really disappointed in myself.  I thought I was doing all the right things.  I do ask questions about school, have been to every conference and 504 meeting.  I help with Cami's homework the best I can, math not being my strongest subject either (there's a lot of Googling).  I encourage her, tell her she can do anything, she's smart and beautiful and funny and I love her so much.  Her teachers have told me they feel the same way about her and that they really appreciate me as a parent, that so many other parents just don't seem to care.

So why is she still struggling?  Obviously some changes need to be made and I have to suck it up and make them. It maybe even require a trip to the doctor to reevaluate her medication needs....

I just want to get this right, and I feel like I'm already running out of time since we are now over halfway through her childhood.

My Babies Aren't Babies Anymore

Of course I knew this day would come. But knowing something is coming doesn’t necessarily make it any easier.

My kids growing up is in no way as hard as, say, a death, but there is a sense of loss involved. It is a change, and every change needs to be processed.

My daughter was a slow talker, but oh how I loved the way she would pronounce things. Flower was “fwow-wow” and hot dog was “ga-gog”. I never want to forget things like that!

My son is was a thumb-sucker and hair player-with-er. It has been really special to have my little boy sit in my lap sucking his thumb and playing with my hair, so happy and content. But he is earnestly trying to kick this habit because he’s a big kid now. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t missing it just a little.

My beautiful daughter Camryn is now 11 years old and heading into middle school in a month. She is a full-on Tween, at the stage of childhood where she is a goofy little girl one moment and then a young lady the next. She has ADD so she is slightly less mature than most of her peers, but she is still well on her way. She just became a Girl Scout Cadette and is currently attending her 2^nd year at horse camp. She got her love of horses from my mother. Apparently it skips a generation!

I have a confession. I find myself staring at Cami’s body quite a bit, waiting for any sign of puberty. I want to be prepared the moment she needs a real bra (she sometimes wears little training bras) and hope to God I have a good reaction when she starts her period! I don’t want to be overly excited or giddy which might be embarrassing. Nor do I want to let out a heavy sigh because I know just how much fun periods are.

My adorable son AJ is 5 ½ and starting Kindergarten in September. He attended a year and a half of preschool, complete with riding the bus, so I’m not real weepy about him starting K (although I do know he will begin reading this year and that‘s a big deal). No, it’s more the other things he’s doing now that get me. That he’s already started losing his baby teeth, that he learned how to ride a 2-wheeler in about 5 minutes and suddenly he can reach the kitchen faucet. Oh, don’t let me forget that he’s now spent a couple nights away from us this summer!

Seriously, just how many milestones, regardless of how small, need to happen to a mommy all at once?

Every time I turn around lately my kids get or do something new. They simply aren’t little anymore and that’s crazy. And it’s not only about accepting where my kids are at now, but also what that means in relation to ME as their mom. I have now been a mother for 11 years. I’ve got some real experience under my belt. I find I’m able to share my “motherly wisdom” with others from time to time.

Actually, that last part is funny. On one had I feel like I have some wisdom, but on the other hand one of the things I’m wise to is that I don’t have all the answers. I thought I did before I ever had children. But now, nope.

What I know right now is my children, my beautiful babies, are becoming actual young PEOPLE. Time is marching on….and on and on. And in the immortal words of Steven Tyler, I don’t wanna miss a thing.