June 13, 2012

Stupid PTSD or Grief or WTF-Ever!

I've been feeling kind of angry and cynical lately.

But I don't want to admit it. I don't know if I want anyone to actually see that side of me.

Everyone says such wonderful things about how I handle the struggles in my life. And I feel so proud that I'm able to be that kind of person.

It makes me angry that I still get angry, if that makes any sense at all.

I remember the night of Mark's bypass when his heart stopped the first time. After going in to see him, I emerged from his room and walked directly into my friend's arms. She held me as I began to cry. But then I pulled away from her, balled up my fists and stamped my foot in anger.

I didn't fucking want to be crying! I didn't want to feel afraid. I didn't want to be a mess.

I have to be strong.

I don't want to get lost in feelings of despair and hopelessness. What good does that do? Whom will that serve? There's nothing to be gained by wallowing.

But Goddammit! I also don't want my husband to be sick, and I sure as hell don't want him to die!

I love being married. I don't want to think about being a widow. I don't want to think about losing my very best friend and I don't want to think about being a single parent.

I do think about those things. A lot. Too much.

And if one Goddamn person makes any stupid judgments about how I should have known these things were possible or maybe we shouldn't have had kids, I will punch them in the face!

Because that is pure bullshit. No one should go through life not grabbing onto the things they want, their heart's desires, for fear of the maybes and what-ifs.

That is not a life well lived.

My cynicism comes out when someone very sweetly and innocently says something like, "Praying it will be smooth sailing from here on out." I think, that's nice, but not likely. Yes, we experience calmer waters, lulls in the chaos, but there is always something else on the horizon.

And I just can't, even for one minute, hope that that's not true. I'm too practical.

There is a battle going on inside my head right now between the part that is grounded, positive and grateful, and the part that is scared, angry and tired.

I'm so tired. But you can't take a break from chronic illness.

My nerves are raw and frayed.

I'm hardly laughing.

::

And then I start to get fed up with all the above and somehow....some miracle happens where I can feel my feelings starting to shift. Something that brings me back to the NOW. And I say, "All that there? That's the bullshit, and it's robbing me of my joy."

But it takes a lot of work on a DAILY basis to do that. It takes effort to push away the scary thoughts all the time.

And so I'm still tired.

I suppose that probably won't change.


Linked up with Pour Your Heart Out and Yeah Write.

33 comments:

  1. LOVE! I could not even imagine being in your shoes - you hold up, I would not..at all. Was just talking about being a blubbering idiot on a regular basis here. There's a lot of heartfelt emotion behind your words, I can feel it all the way in the midwest! Big hugs - you know we are here for you when you need a laugh..

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    1. You never know how strong you are until you have to be!

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  2. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know nothing I can say can make it better. But I agree, I can feel your emotions through your writing, and I cannot imagine myself in your position. Hugs to you.

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  3. Oh, I know the tired. Its so deep. When we got the news my son would probably never need open heart surgery I thought I would be jumping with joy or crying or something but instead I just felt so weary. I was grateful, so grateful, but I just collapsed. I went home and slept. I even wrote that I didn't realize my relief would manifest so physically.

    I was just so damn tired.

    I'm sorry that this won't change for you. That his illness is chronic. Its so hard to always feel nervous and spent.

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  4. I am so proud of you for getting this out. You did a great job and you have every right to feel these things. I hope you continue to tell ALL sides of your story, even the anger part. We all love you and we are here for you. NO MATTER WHAT, even if you say fuck! THIS post is real, emotional and again I am VERY proud of you! Love you Jen!

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  5. Holy shit girl, give yourself permission to be pissed off, angry and just plain tired. You guys have been through too much to not feel overwhelmed. Hey and guess what, you don't have to be strong all the time because that is just plain exhausting.

    Take it out on us! Release the anger here so that you can be that strong person for your family. We can take it . . . I promise to only cry a little bit . . . well, I will promise to get to the ugly cry point! ;)
    Jenn

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    1. I should have known you guys wouldn't mind.

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  6. Jen, having PTSD AND experiencing grief on a far too regular basis the past few years, I am SO understanding this post. All that is said, and all that is not.
    It is hard to let down that veil, and even harder when people don't like to think that you have to have it in place for a reason. Write. We all should. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's got to go somewhere and Lord knows it's not easy to just let it out when we should. XOXO

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    1. Thank you for giving me permission to say what I need to say.

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  7. I so understand being tired, and feeling like you can't take a break. I'm struggling so much with that right now. I keep thinking there has to be a way to rest and let your body recover, but still do what you need to do. I will say I think it's okay to be angry, to be upset, to be unhappy. All those feelings are part of it. Thanks for sharing this.

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    1. I'm hoping to take lots of breaks this summer.

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  8. i'm so glad you shared this. ::hugs::

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  9. and if one Goddamn person makes any stupid judgments about how I should have known

    Please don't tell me people do that. I will personally help you punch them.

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    1. Yes, I believe they do. Maybe not directly to my face, but I sense it. Thank you!

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  10. Anger sucks...but you have a reason to be angry! You will find your place of peace...and your experience(and the honest way you share about it) will encourage many others struggling with similar situations!
    Michelle
    http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/06/when-life-gets-messy.html

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  11. Your honesty is refreshing and well articulated! (good job! That is hard to do) i enjoyed this entry! May you find and fight for your daily joy!

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  12. I will not pray for your "smooth sailing" because as you mentioned, that is hardly likely, but I hope you continue to find you whenever you can in the beautiful like you have right now. And you are ahead of most by realizing what a beautiful like it is - even with your {very big} challenges and scares.

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  13. Oh, Jen, you honest, sweet strong girl. There is such good stuff here, it's worth fighting for. You are making a life well-lived and writing about it with grace and beauty. Erin

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  14. I live with chronic illness over here. Not with my husband but with my sons and you hit the nail on the head. It is exhausting. The what-ifs, the fears, it takes work to be this strong when all you want to do is crawl under the covers. You have every right to be angry. It sucks to be so tired all the time. ((hugs))

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    1. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Thanks for your understanding!

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  15. You really are strong- but you are allowed to have your weak moments, girl! It's a lot you are dealing with!

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  16. I, for one, think it's good that you allow yourself to feel cynical and angry. It makes you human. While I admire people who handle crappy situations with grace and a smile on their face, it makes me feel inadequate. Because when crappy things happy to me, I generally react the exact opposite way. I think people who never allow themselves to be angry or get frustrated with their crappy situation are living in denial. They're just pushing their feelings aside and one day it's all going to boil over. I think it's important to let ourselves feel every emotion that we feel. It can be very cathartic. The hard part is knowing when the feeling has pushed past cathartic and transferred to wallowing.

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  17. There's nothing wrong with anger - you've had to deal with a lot and still do. Who wouldn't be angry? Holding it in or bottling it up doesn't accomplish anything!

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  18. I can't imagine how tough it is - so great you have a place to vent and work through the feelings. Hope you are at a lull right now and can enjoy your SITS day! And by the way, my kids are 14 and 17 - talk about old! OMG! When did that happen???!!!

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