But I don't want to admit it. I don't know if I want anyone to actually see that side of me.
Everyone says such wonderful things about how I handle the struggles in my life. And I feel so proud that I'm able to be that kind of person.
It makes me angry that I still get angry, if that makes any sense at all.
I remember the night of Mark's bypass when his heart stopped the first time. After going in to see him, I emerged from his room and walked directly into my friend's arms. She held me as I began to cry. But then I pulled away from her, balled up my fists and stamped my foot in anger.
I didn't fucking want to be crying! I didn't want to feel afraid. I didn't want to be a mess.
I have to be strong.
I don't want to get lost in feelings of despair and hopelessness. What good does that do? Whom will that serve? There's nothing to be gained by wallowing.
But Goddammit! I also don't want my husband to be sick, and I sure as hell don't want him to die!
I love being married. I don't want to think about being a widow. I don't want to think about losing my very best friend and I don't want to think about being a single parent.
I do think about those things. A lot. Too much.
And if one Goddamn person makes any stupid judgments about how I should have known these things were possible or maybe we shouldn't have had kids, I will punch them in the face!
Because that is pure bullshit. No one should go through life not grabbing onto the things they want, their heart's desires, for fear of the maybes and what-ifs.
That is not a life well lived.
My cynicism comes out when someone very sweetly and innocently says something like, "Praying it will be smooth sailing from here on out." I think, that's nice, but not likely. Yes, we experience calmer waters, lulls in the chaos, but there is always something else on the horizon.
And I just can't, even for one minute, hope that that's not true. I'm too practical.
There is a battle going on inside my head right now between the part that is grounded, positive and grateful, and the part that is scared, angry and tired.
I'm so tired. But you can't take a break from chronic illness.
My nerves are raw and frayed.
I'm hardly laughing.
And then I start to get fed up with all the above and somehow....some miracle happens where I can feel my feelings starting to shift. Something that brings me back to the NOW. And I say, "All that there? That's the bullshit, and it's robbing me of my joy."
But it takes a lot of work on a DAILY basis to do that. It takes effort to push away the scary thoughts all the time.
And so I'm still tired.
I suppose that probably won't change.