Life Limps Along

“Life limped along at subsonic speeds,” regularly plays on repeat in my head.

The days are long but the years are short.

I’m waiting for something, yet ache for a pause button.

Hindsight

If I could go back in time....

I would never start biting my nails.

I would have made sure that car door was closed all the way so I didn't roll out and get a big lump on my head.

I wouldn't let my friend Shelley push me away in 6th grade.

I would visit my dad as often as I visited my mom before I moved in with her, and do better at staying connected to his side of my family.

I would not let certain people in my life ever make me feel less than.

The Longest Haircut EVER

source

Not long as in, long hair. Long as in IT TOOK TWO FREAKING HOURS.

I have had a short hair style for about 3/4 of this year. It's like an inverted bob, short in the back, about down to my jaw in the front. With layers and texturing and stuff.

It's a bit more complicated than a straight, blunt trim. But not some crazy difficult style either.

Our local community college has a cosmetology school located right here in our town. Haircuts, regardless of style, length or whathaveyou, are only $8. My family has been getting our haircuts there for years.

They are pretty awesome. You get a cheap haircut because you let students play with your hair. But never fear, there are teachers overseeing everything; the student talks with a teacher about how they plan to cut your hair before starting, and a teacher checks their work when they're finished.

I have never come out looking like a monster. In fact, my daughter went IN looking quite ridiculous after taking scissors to her own hair, and came out looking much better.

However, I have also never had a haircut take two whole hours!

Students do cut your hair slower than someone who has more experience. So you have to go into the school knowing it will take a bit longer.

Not that much longer, though. Seriously, it was awful.

The girl they had do my hair was obviously brand spankin' new. Not only that, she seemed to naturally move in slow motion. She walked me back to her station slowly, back to the wash sinks slowly. Everything....slowly.

So I shouldn't have been surprised by how long cutting my hair took, right? Well I'm sorry, I was utterly beside myself!

I kid you not, I wanted to say something to her so badly, but I'm a huge chicken about that sort of thing.

Inside I was all, "Get this effing haircut done and let me get the hell out of here!"

It took so long I got really anxious thinking I just might HAVE to say something to her face about it.

Mark got a haircut at the same time. His stylist was done way before mine, so he sat and watched. He told me she looked scared. He said she would hover over my head with her scissors poised to make a cut, but take several moments to follow through. He was sitting there silently cheering her on, "Make the cut! You can do it!" He also said the instructor gave him a few looks of apology.

I sat in her chair and nearly fell asleep. At first I didn't care. Going to get my haircut is a fantastic excuse to sit and relax. But once I realized just how long this was taking, and that we were going to need to get home for the kids, I started getting really impatient.

She had trimmed up the back, and even done some snipping in the front. I thought she must be almost done. Instead, she gets her instructor, asks him a question and he shows her a little something. Suddenly it was like she started all over. She kept snipping and snipping and snipping at the back of my head. It took everything in me to not jerk my head away and yell, "Please back away from my head. Put the scissors down. Just stop the cutting! STOP IT!!"

When she moved to the front of my hair I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she still had more to do. At that point I realized that the two students on either side of me had each done two cuts while I was sitting there. I also noticed how chatty those other stylists were with their clients, while mine was concentrating too hard to hold a conversation.....yet still taking FOR-EV-ER.

Finally I started dropping hints. I asked Mark what time it was. I mentioned the kids coming home from school. Mark pointed out how we hadn't even had lunch. I said I was so hungry I had a headache. He said he was starving to death. I let him LEAVE to get some BBQ from across the street. I wasn't worried he would take too long because this chic was clearly not done with me!

Finally -- FINALLY -- she called her instructor over one more time. After two hours of working on my head, he still had to fix a couple things. He tried to hand the scissors back to her to do the fixes herself, but she asked him to just do it because I had been in her chair too long.

THANK YOU GOD!

I am really not trying to pick on the poor girl. I'm actually trying to illustrate the humor in the whole thing. On the way home Mark and I shared what was going through our heads in those two hours, and giggled....shaking our heads and giggling some more.

It was just.....Yeah. And...Wow.

__________
This post concludes NaBloPoMo 2012! I made it! I sincerely hope you have enjoyed the ride more than I have. I will now remove my hands from the keyboard and slowly back away from my blog for at least the weekend....

Evolution of Love

Train of thought:

Watching a commercial for football....former players who are commentators now...shown walking down a hallway....thought it looked like they all walk funny....

Remembered that the way Mark walked when I first met him was something I found attractive -- I liked the way he carried himself....

But now, with his advanced diabetic neuropathy....he doesn't walk like that anymore.

Felt sad for a moment. Mostly for Mark. I recognize that I don't love him any less because he doesn't walk the same. In fact, I love him more today than I did then.

__________

I believe love evolves over time. It changes. Morphs. Begins as one thing, but becomes something different.

I get frustrated with what seems to be a lack of understanding that relationships should and do change. You know, the typical, "he's never romantic anymore" kind of thing.

What I've learned is that friendship is the foundation of a good marriage. You need to not only be in love with that person, but actually LIKE them too.

Like being around them. Like living with them. Enjoy their company. Find them interesting, funny, inspiring....worth sharing your life with. And genuinely want the other person to be happy.

Even when it isn't awesome. Or perhaps, especially when it isn't awesome.

Before I married Mark, while thinking it all through, and in order to help me know for certain that we were doing the right thing, I asked myself, "Do I want to break up with him? Or do I love him and want to be with him?"

I did not want to break up with him, I loved him and wanted us to be together. The idea of not being with Mark made my stomach do flips and tears prick my eyes.

So I felt I was ready to marry him.

Fast forward 14 years, two children and a slew of experiences later, and I realize the things that initially attracted me to Mark are not why I still love him today.

Like, not at all.

In fact, we are both pretty different from the day we met 18 years ago. And we should be.

What is the trick to growing and changing within a marriage?

I have my theories. Things like the big "C" -- communication. Always trying to balance time together with time apart, respecting each other's interests and doing the little things. I'm sure our many struggles that have bonded us are important too.

But when it comes down to it, I don't have the answers. All I know is what works for us.

And that Love evolves.

TGIF: The Freaking Middle of March Edition

The first two weeks of this month have been a blur for me. For real. I don't even know how today is the 16th. Time was already going by fast enough, and I just lost half a month!

On the other hand, today being March 16 means my birthday is in exactly 1 month. I don't love it as much as I used to (because of the whole getting older part), but I still enjoy it.

Anyway....today is...

I am happy to report that Mark has been home for a few days now and things are going well. Most out-of-town family has gone home, but his dad and step-mom are still here right now. One of his best friends is coming from Wyoming for a visit this weekend. We are in the oh-so-fun phase of readjusting and reorganizing Mark's health care needs. He is having some minor mobility issues because his legs are weak. He's tripped twice on two different sets of just two steps. Some hand rails are in order. The home health nurse is very nice and seems on-the-ball, and is going to help us with services such as counseling for the kids.

Why do I keep using three word phrases?

I am so humbled by all the sweet and lovely things people keep saying about and to me. So many compliments, so much encouragement. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all that has transpired over the past two weeks. While I'm doing so, people are giving me such latitude, patience and understanding.

There really are wonderfully, kind-hearted and selfless people in the world. I've seen it. I only hope I can be the same way when someone else needs it.

So! I have been enjoying keeping lists each month of my favorite posts by other bloggers. I have a list for February and had intended to publish it at the beginning of this month to link up with Best of the Blogosphere at Cookie's Chronicles. For obvious reasons, that didn't happen, so I just want to share the list with you now, so it doesn't go to waste.

• It's So Lonely by The Sarcasm Goddess
• What Happens to Your Heart When Its Heart is Broken? at Band Back Together
• Love Is by Greta
• It's My Anniversary and Love is in the Air by Sue
• Love, the Other Four Letter Word by Paul
• Mormons Exposed by Tracy
• Dear Anxiety by Danielle
• To Clean or Not to Clean by Les
• Monday's Muse: The Lovely Dr. G by Nicole
• A Slacker Mommy and Proud by Jennifer (not me) at Scary Mommy
• You Googled What? Anal Probe Edition by The Sarcasm Goddess

It's a Sarcasm Goddess sandwich!

I hope you might happily click on a few of those posts and read 'em. They either made me laugh, cry, nod my head or go Hmmm....

I'm a little giddy about something.

Should I tell you?

If I say it out loud here on my blog I have to mean it and do it, hu?

OK. I got the idea the other night that I want Mark and I to renew our wedding vows!

Soon. Like, in May.

May 20, 1994 is the the anniversary of our first kiss and the beginning of our relationship.

Considering what I just said, the following may be a little inappropriate....

Ladies?

Write some HAPPY, grab the button, link up!

(Linky open all weekend.)

A Sick Heart

I am sitting here to blog when I should be going to bed. We "spring forward" in a few hours, losing an hour of sleep, which is really the last thing I need right now.

But this is the first quiet, alone time I've had in days. I need to write about what's happening. It helps me process. I honestly don't think I can go to bed without doing it.

The basic update is this: Mark was moved out of the ICU to the regular cardiac care floor on Saturday around 6:00 PM. Since having his second breathing tube removed late on Wednesday he has made improvements. His heart rate and blood pressure have remained stable. With lots of medication. He is on an antiarrhythmic called Amiodarone to help control Atrial Fibrillation. He has also been put on a very strong blood thinner, Warfarin (Coumadin), to help control blood clots that can result from A-Fib. Mark's heart is enlarged (Cardiomyopathy). Further, he is in congestive heart failure.

All those complicated terms and meds boil down to one simply fact: Mark's heart is super sick.

If I list EVERYTHING wrong with my husband, it's overwhelming:

Type 1 Diabetes (insulin dependent)
End Stage Renal Disease (kidney failure)
Peripheral Vascular Disease (veins)
Neuropathy (loss of feeling in his lower extremities)
Coronary Artery Disease (has had 2 heart attacks & double bypass)
Arrhythmia
Cardiomyopathy
Congestive Heart Failure
and prone to staph infection

Everything stems from Diabetes. He has been dealing with it since age 9. Obviously what is most troubling at this juncture are all his heart problems. I have talked at length about the night of Mark's bypass surgery and that his heart stopped 3 times. In this past week, Mark's heart has stopped twice more.

Before last Thursday, We didn't know that things were so serious. I, at least, naively thought Mark's heart would be good to go for many years after having bypass. It's been only a year and a half.

In this past week I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband's life may come to an end at any moment.

I have also talked before about how I have known for a long time that I would outlive Mark. But until now, it was all "what if" and theory and probability. Now it's reality.

When Mark was extubated on Wednesday, I had to inform him that there's nothing more than medication that can be done for him. There are no surgeries. No cures. His diseases have taken their toll.

His first question was, "How long?" I couldn't give him an answer, and neither can the doctors.

I had to tell him I wasn't even sure he'd be leaving the hospital.

He said, "I have to go home."

Mark and I had to host a family meeting on Thursday morning to go over what our options are with hospital staff. We discussed end of life issues such as when to stop trying and hospice.

Everyone has their opinions on these issues. I had to look my husband in the face and ask him what HE wants.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to keep fighting for us, his loved ones, for his children. He's sad.

We filled out a Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney papers. We spent some time talking about songs that have had meaning in his life, about how he'd like a service for him to be.

These are not conversations any wife wants to have with her husband.

Right now, Mark is rallying, and it's wonderful. I have spent as much time with him as I could physically handle since he got off the breathing tube. I am so grateful for it. Everyone who loves him is. Nearly everyone who loves him has come to see him, from both near and far. And there are still more.

It is overwhelming, dizzying, amazing, sad and inspiring all at the same time. I am so proud of my husband. So proud of his shear determination to squeeze every drop out of life that he can. He understands what is happening, but he's not going without a fight. And none of us would expect anything less from Mark.

For myself....oh God. I have sobbed til it hurt and I have laughed til it hurt. I am bouyed by all the mass amounts of love, care, concern, well-wishes, help, prayers, hope, laughter and togetherness. I know I am not alone and that is awesome.

My kids are doing OK so far, although they are missing me. Especially AJ. He doesn't understand why I'm spending so much time at the hospital. I've told him that he and Cami need me, but so does Daddy, and I'm trying to divide my time. I have basically been home some every other day. ALL of there grandparents are here right now, their aunt too, and their cousins just flew in tonight. I think they shouldn't be thinking about me at all, right? Well, it's kind of nice to know that even with all that attention and fun, they might still miss their mom.

Mark and I are being bombarded with lots of information and opinions. But I think we are doing a damn good job of filtering it all and remaining focused on each other and our kids. We're gonna love each other through this, see where it takes us and have no regrets.

It's late and I should go to bed. I just have so much more I could say! But there is time for that. I know I will say all I need to say as I need to say it. For now, I am taking each day as it comes, loving and being loved.