I am sitting here to blog when I should be going to bed. We "spring forward" in a few hours, losing an hour of sleep, which is really the last thing I need right now.
But this is the first quiet, alone time I've had in days. I need to write about what's happening. It helps me process. I honestly don't think I can go to bed without doing it.
The basic update is this: Mark was moved out of the ICU to the regular cardiac care floor on Saturday around 6:00 PM. Since having his second breathing tube removed late on Wednesday he has made improvements. His heart rate and blood pressure have remained stable. With lots of medication. He is on an antiarrhythmic called
Amiodarone to help control
Atrial Fibrillation. He has also been put on a very strong blood thinner,
Warfarin (Coumadin), to help control blood clots that can result from A-Fib. Mark's heart is enlarged (
Cardiomyopathy). Further, he is in
congestive heart failure.
All those complicated terms and meds boil down to one simply fact: Mark's heart is super sick.
If I list EVERYTHING wrong with my husband, it's overwhelming:
Type 1 Diabetes (insulin dependent)
End Stage Renal Disease (kidney failure)
Peripheral Vascular Disease (veins)
Neuropathy (loss of feeling in his lower extremities)
Coronary Artery Disease (has had 2 heart attacks & double bypass)
Arrhythmia
Cardiomyopathy
Congestive Heart Failure
and prone to staph infection
Everything stems from Diabetes. He has been dealing with it since age 9. Obviously what is most troubling at this juncture are all his heart problems. I have talked at length about the night of Mark's bypass surgery and that his heart stopped 3 times. In this past week, Mark's heart has stopped twice more.
Before last Thursday, We didn't know that things were so serious. I, at least, naively thought Mark's heart would be good to go for many years after having bypass. It's been only a year and a half.
In this past week I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband's life may come to an end at any moment.
I have also talked before about how I have known for a long time that I would outlive Mark. But until now, it was all "what if" and theory and probability. Now it's reality.
When Mark was extubated on Wednesday, I had to inform him that there's nothing more than medication that can be done for him. There are no surgeries. No cures. His diseases have taken their toll.
His first question was, "How long?" I couldn't give him an answer, and neither can the doctors.
I had to tell him I wasn't even sure he'd be leaving the hospital.
He said, "I have to go home."
Mark and I had to host a family meeting on Thursday morning to go over what our options are with hospital staff. We discussed end of life issues such as when to stop trying and hospice.
Everyone has their opinions on these issues. I had to look my husband in the face and ask him what HE wants.
He doesn't want to die. He wants to keep fighting for us, his loved ones, for his children. He's sad.
We filled out a Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney papers. We spent some time talking about songs that have had meaning in his life, about how he'd like a service for him to be.
These are not conversations any wife wants to have with her husband.
Right now, Mark is rallying, and it's wonderful. I have spent as much time with him as I could physically handle since he got off the breathing tube. I am so grateful for it. Everyone who loves him is. Nearly everyone who loves him has come to see him, from both near and far. And there are still more.
It is overwhelming, dizzying, amazing, sad and inspiring all at the same time. I am so proud of my husband. So proud of his shear determination to squeeze every drop out of life that he can. He understands what is happening, but he's not going without a fight. And none of us would expect anything less from Mark.
For myself....oh God. I have sobbed til it hurt and I have laughed til it hurt. I am bouyed by all the mass amounts of love, care, concern, well-wishes, help, prayers, hope, laughter and togetherness. I know I am not alone and that is awesome.
My kids are doing OK so far, although they are missing me. Especially AJ. He doesn't understand why I'm spending so much time at the hospital. I've told him that he and Cami need me, but so does Daddy, and I'm trying to divide my time. I have basically been home some every other day. ALL of there grandparents are here right now, their aunt too, and their cousins just flew in tonight. I think they shouldn't be thinking about me at all, right? Well, it's kind of nice to know that even with all that attention and fun, they might still miss their mom.
Mark and I are being bombarded with lots of information and opinions. But I think we are doing a damn good job of filtering it all and remaining focused on each other and our kids. We're gonna love each other through this, see where it takes us and have no regrets.
It's late and I should go to bed. I just have so much more I could say! But there is time for that. I know I will say all I need to say as I need to say it. For now, I am taking each day as it comes, loving and being loved.