What can I say?

What's that I've got up there as my tagline? My life is a roller coaster? Yeah. That.

Not only that, but there are roller coasters WITHIN the roller coaster of life. The past two weeks have taken me on one helluva ride.

And it's not even over.

I'm not even going to be coy with placing links within my sentences. Here is a list of what I've written since the first of the month:

• My Husband is in Critical Care
• A Critical Listcle
• Still Critical
• TGIF - 3/9
• A Sick Heart

Today I am trying to process everything. After thinking my husband was about to die, I got to bring Mark home yesterday. I am amazed, overwhelmed, happy, stunned....and thinking WTF??

WTF because, WTF just happened? HOW-TF did he survive what he went through? And, WHERE-TF is this going to take us from here?

I need to be clear. It is amazing, and quite possibly another freaking miracle, that Mark is home with us right now. But he is still sick. He is currently stable, but that could change at any moment. Today, tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. His heart is seriously compromised by heart attacks, Atrial Fibrillation and CHF (Congestive Heart Failure), not to mention STOPPING several times now. He is on some strong ass drugs to try to prevent A-Fib and blood clots. Pile that all on top of his Diabetes and dialysis and my husband is indeed sicker than he was on February 29th. He will not be returning to work and legally he is not allowed to drive for at least 6 months after coding. Our lives are changed.

But Mark is STILL ALIVE, for crying out loud! His mother was convinced this was it. I was almost convinced.

I feel so many things that I don't know if I can adequately articulate right now. Some people have felt anger over what is happening to Mark. I refuse to waste this time I have with him on anger. I'm also trying not to be sad over what almost happened, or even that it could still happen. I don't need to feel sad until it DOES happen. I feel blessed and awed and happy that I got to bring him home. Home to his kids. This was honestly the best possible outcome, and we got it.

What I need to work through right now is stress and fear. Stress over the changes (financial, logistical, medical). And fear of the "what ifs". What if he codes here at home? What if he dies in his sleep right next to me? What if something scary happens in front of the children? Can I ever leave him alone? And what if I lose him forever?

Another thing I feel is immense GRATITUDE. Yes, grateful that Mark came through this. But the outpouring of love, support and help has overwhelmed me! "Thank you" doesn't feel like enough. I keep saying it, and it's just not doing it for me.

All of our parents came. Mark's sister and nieces came. My aunt was at the hospital every day. My uncle and a couple of cousins came. Mark's co-workers at Home Depot have been so generous. And my best girlfriends, who spent more than one night at the hospital with me, who made sure my kids were well taken care of and who cried with me. To have people in your life who are YOUR advocates while you're busy advocating for your spouse, is a tremendous gift.

Lest I forget, all the comments and tweets from those of you who read me have truly helped to bouy me and make me smile in the midst of some scary shit. Sorry, but swearing about this feels kinda good.

See? This stuff I'm saying sounds totally inadequate. Maybe I can do better expressing my feelings as time goes on.

A Sick Heart

I am sitting here to blog when I should be going to bed. We "spring forward" in a few hours, losing an hour of sleep, which is really the last thing I need right now.

But this is the first quiet, alone time I've had in days. I need to write about what's happening. It helps me process. I honestly don't think I can go to bed without doing it.

The basic update is this: Mark was moved out of the ICU to the regular cardiac care floor on Saturday around 6:00 PM. Since having his second breathing tube removed late on Wednesday he has made improvements. His heart rate and blood pressure have remained stable. With lots of medication. He is on an antiarrhythmic called Amiodarone to help control Atrial Fibrillation. He has also been put on a very strong blood thinner, Warfarin (Coumadin), to help control blood clots that can result from A-Fib. Mark's heart is enlarged (Cardiomyopathy). Further, he is in congestive heart failure.

All those complicated terms and meds boil down to one simply fact: Mark's heart is super sick.

If I list EVERYTHING wrong with my husband, it's overwhelming:

Type 1 Diabetes (insulin dependent)
End Stage Renal Disease (kidney failure)
Peripheral Vascular Disease (veins)
Neuropathy (loss of feeling in his lower extremities)
Coronary Artery Disease (has had 2 heart attacks & double bypass)
Arrhythmia
Cardiomyopathy
Congestive Heart Failure
and prone to staph infection

Everything stems from Diabetes. He has been dealing with it since age 9. Obviously what is most troubling at this juncture are all his heart problems. I have talked at length about the night of Mark's bypass surgery and that his heart stopped 3 times. In this past week, Mark's heart has stopped twice more.

Before last Thursday, We didn't know that things were so serious. I, at least, naively thought Mark's heart would be good to go for many years after having bypass. It's been only a year and a half.

In this past week I have had to come to terms with the fact that my husband's life may come to an end at any moment.

I have also talked before about how I have known for a long time that I would outlive Mark. But until now, it was all "what if" and theory and probability. Now it's reality.

When Mark was extubated on Wednesday, I had to inform him that there's nothing more than medication that can be done for him. There are no surgeries. No cures. His diseases have taken their toll.

His first question was, "How long?" I couldn't give him an answer, and neither can the doctors.

I had to tell him I wasn't even sure he'd be leaving the hospital.

He said, "I have to go home."

Mark and I had to host a family meeting on Thursday morning to go over what our options are with hospital staff. We discussed end of life issues such as when to stop trying and hospice.

Everyone has their opinions on these issues. I had to look my husband in the face and ask him what HE wants.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to keep fighting for us, his loved ones, for his children. He's sad.

We filled out a Living Will and Durable Power of Attorney papers. We spent some time talking about songs that have had meaning in his life, about how he'd like a service for him to be.

These are not conversations any wife wants to have with her husband.

Right now, Mark is rallying, and it's wonderful. I have spent as much time with him as I could physically handle since he got off the breathing tube. I am so grateful for it. Everyone who loves him is. Nearly everyone who loves him has come to see him, from both near and far. And there are still more.

It is overwhelming, dizzying, amazing, sad and inspiring all at the same time. I am so proud of my husband. So proud of his shear determination to squeeze every drop out of life that he can. He understands what is happening, but he's not going without a fight. And none of us would expect anything less from Mark.

For myself....oh God. I have sobbed til it hurt and I have laughed til it hurt. I am bouyed by all the mass amounts of love, care, concern, well-wishes, help, prayers, hope, laughter and togetherness. I know I am not alone and that is awesome.

My kids are doing OK so far, although they are missing me. Especially AJ. He doesn't understand why I'm spending so much time at the hospital. I've told him that he and Cami need me, but so does Daddy, and I'm trying to divide my time. I have basically been home some every other day. ALL of there grandparents are here right now, their aunt too, and their cousins just flew in tonight. I think they shouldn't be thinking about me at all, right? Well, it's kind of nice to know that even with all that attention and fun, they might still miss their mom.

Mark and I are being bombarded with lots of information and opinions. But I think we are doing a damn good job of filtering it all and remaining focused on each other and our kids. We're gonna love each other through this, see where it takes us and have no regrets.

It's late and I should go to bed. I just have so much more I could say! But there is time for that. I know I will say all I need to say as I need to say it. For now, I am taking each day as it comes, loving and being loved.

TGIF: Not Perfect BEES Edition

First, I'm sure those who have been following along with me this week and know about my husband's current health crisis would like an update. He is still in critical care. He has gotten a little better since Wednesday, responding to antibiotics for pneumonia. However, his heart is still very sick. The goal for today is to wean him off IV meds and replace them with pills. Last time they did that, on Monday, he ended up having to go back on a breathing tube. There is apparently an issue with the stomach lining in diabetics that can prevent them from properly absorbing things. We are hoping so hard that he can be on the pills!

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I hope you all don't think I'm crazy for going through with my regular TGIF post. I didn't last week. But this week is a very busy TGIF. I have a guest here.....and I'm a guest somewhere. It's all a little convoluted, I think. But like I said in my guest post for....wait for it......Let's BEE Friends (squee!), even in the face of crisis life is still going on around you, and you have to go on with it.

See why I couldn't not post today? Bruna is featuring me for Let's BEE Friends! So, PLEASE go over there and see what I have to say to her awesome readers....AFTER you read on below....

* * *

I also have a FABULOUS lady gal woman chic here to regale you with what makes her happy. I am beyond thrilled that Holly from Holly's House agreed to be here today! She is so freaking funny. And kind of irreverent. And a little ballsy. I love her. Oh, and she has a brand new blog design, so you gotta go check it out!

When sweet Jennifer asked me to write for her about what makes me happy, it really took me a while to get to it. And not just because I'm a lazy ass who somehow has to take care of a household with four children and a husband, but because so many things make me happy...how on Earth could I pick just one? I felt like that would be the same as lying to you fine fine folks, and I never tell a lie*...

So my solution? A list! If you know me-and if you don't may I just interject right here and ask why the fuck not?- then you know I love me a good list...so here you go...

1. Padded seats at church. Yes, my church has them....because there's nothing like cushioning the strain that religious devotion can bring upon one's soul...

2. Two ply toilet paper. This totally makes me happy. And I'll admit it's not something I think of often, yet the other day I was a friend's house and my poor vagina was subject to that grainy, not soft, harsh harsh paper. I'm a hard working woman and I deserve two ply...

3. Those weird ingrown hairs on your legs. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like when you shave and those hairs get trapped under the skin on your calf? And then when you're sitting on the couch watching True Life on MTV you notice one but can't quite get it, so you get a needle and dig it out? Then you notice a bunch more because your razor was dull and by the time the show is over your leg looks massacred? Yeah, that makes me happy...

4. Hoarders. I love me some Hoarders. Hoarders make me happy. And not because I want people to live with 40 dead cats under the 20 tons of old bills and banana peels or with 2 year old fossilized poop in their non working toilet, but because my cluttery home all of a sudden looks like it could be Architectural Digest. Do I have crunched up goldfish on the kitchen floor? Sure do. Do I have smears of toothpaste on the walls in the kid's bathroom? You bet your sweet ass I do. But I don't have a room filled exclusively with used adult diapers that are years old...let's all say it together....eeewwwwww!

5. Other people telling me how great I am. Like Jennifer. Like when she emailed me and asked if I would guest for her because she loves me and adores me....sure, maybe the person she really wanted cancelled, but whatever...true sucking up or total fake sucking up? Doesn't matter to this bitch...it makes me happy...

What makes you happy? And feel free to say me...ahem...

*that's totally a lie

* * *

Um, Holly, there was nobody else I wanted for today who cancelled, my friend! And if you had said naa, writing a post about stuff that makes me happy is really not something I want to do, I probably would've cried. And maybe hated you forever.* But you said yes and here you are and everyone is happy!

*or not, I dunno, one can't predict these things

Write a post, grab the button ---> and link up! Linky is open all weekend.

It's always good etiquette when you join a link-up to check out the other posts, leave comments and such, right? Well, I especially need you guys to do me the favor of doing that this week, since I will be indisposed dealing with my life. Thank you so much!

Still Critical

First and again, thank you all so much for being such wonderful people who leave incredibly warm and heartfelt comments for me here. I assure you I am seeing every single one and they are deeply appreciated.

I need to let you all know that Mark took a turn for the worse Monday night. He had to be re-intubated and sedated, as well as put back on all the supporting meds for his heart rate and blood pressure. They've also found staph in what he was coughing up. We're currently waiting on results of a blood culture to know if the staph is in his bloodstream. His heart may be infected with staph. But I don't actually know that yet.

My husband is very, very sick. You know he is a Type 1 Diabetic on dialysis. Those are his "health problems". But now, he is just plain sick.

We don't know if Mark can recover from this. It is just wait and see right now.

I am very scared, but also holding up. My kids asked me the tough questions last night. I was as honest with them as I needed to be.

The kids and I got some good sleep together last night. I needed that, and to be with them.

I don't know what today holds. I'm simply hoping for more information and understanding, as well as grace to handle all of this.

I have a huge support system all around me. Both my and Mark's parents are either already here or on their way. I have wonderful friends, my dad and extended family, as well as this sweet online community.

I know I am not alone!

If you are so inclined, I am asking for your thoughts, prayers, vibes and energy towards what is BEST FOR MARK. Not what we want. What is simply the right things for him.

Thank you so much.

A Critical Listicle

Yes, Mark is still in the hospital and I am still doing a Listicle.

It won't be about this week's topic, however.

1. Thursday - Saturday were really hard. I left Mark at the hospital Thursday afternoon thinking he'd only be in for a night of observation.

2. Before Friday could dawn, I got 2 of the worst phone calls a wife can get. My husband's heart had gone into A-Fib, stopped and restarted, shocked again to try to stop the A-Fib, he was intubated and moved to critical care.

3. I rushed to the hospital because he was scary unstable. Really scary unstable. Like, the worst could happen, unstable.

4. Nothing happened on Friday. I left my children with friends and went home with the most nervous stomach I've ever had in my life. Saturday morning I wrote THIS.

5. I was so tired and out of it on Saturday. Often when things like this happen I move in slow motion. It's hard for me to make decisions and I just don't really care about anything besides what's going on with Mark.

6. But Sunday was better. I slept better and got good news when I called his nurse. The next thing I knew, she was calling me back to tell me Mark was fully awake and asking for me. I cannot tell you how amazing hearing that feels!

7. Seeing him awake and talking to him makes the hugest world of difference. I feel so helpless when he's not able to communicate how he feels and what he thinks. Also, his inherent charisma just makes everything better. Even in these dire situations. He was cracking me up with how pissed he was about being shocked!

8. I want to revel in the relief of Sunday's developments, but I'm still guarded. He's not out of the woods yet. There's still plenty to worry about. I have no idea what his prognosis is, how life might change going forward or what we're facing. Those answers will come in the days ahead.

9. YOU GUYS! You guys, whether in real life or here on my computer, have been amazing! You have said the sweetest things, You have HELD me. Honestly, I think blogging came into my life at exactly the right time, when I would need the supportive connections I've made most. The way everyone has rallied around me...it's overwhelming. In a good way!

10. This road we're on, this life of ours with it's sad and scary times, is unpredictable. I never know what will be around the next corner. And it scares the hell out of me! But what I do know is that I am not alone. I know I am loved and cared for and thought of. It really does make a difference. Please, hold your loved ones tight and tell them you love them. Because life can change on a dime. Do it so you have no regrets. Do it for me and Mark.

My husband is in critical care.

I'm so sorry for not having a TGIF post this weekend, but there's just no way I can write about happy things right now.

Well, except to say I'm happy my husband is alive.

Thursday morning while at dialysis he experienced a rapid heart rate. His nurse there told him she thought he needed to get checked out. When he came home we called his cardiologist's office and a nurse there said it sounded like atrial fibbrillation and yeah, he should get checked out.

So we made arrangements for the kids and headed to the ER early Thursday afternoon. Mark didn't display any symptoms the entire time in the ER. Labs showed elevated cardiac enzymes, however, so they opted to hold him overnight for obsveration.

Very glad for that because sometime between 2:00 and 3:00 AM his heart rate spiked again and his blood pressure bottomed out. It got so bad that his heart actually stopped.

They restarted it and transferred him to cardiac critical care. Mark has been intubated and sedated since then, on pressors to keep his blood pressure up and another medication for the rapid heart rate. It's Saturday morning as I'm writing this.

The plan for today is to TRY and lesson the pressor meds and give him a long, slow dialysis treatment. I'm not sure about the breathing tube or when they might try to extubate him.

Mark has congestive heart failure. His heart pump is weak and we think it's trying to compensate by going into A-Fib. I see it like his heart is confused as to what it's supposed to be doing.

There's a delicate balance the doctors need to find between dialysis and his blood pressure. Dialysis will help his heart by removing fluid and potassium, yet it can also make his blood pressure drop. This is why they will do a slow and gentle treatment.

I was up from 3:00 AM Friday morning, arriving at the hospital before 5:00. They actually told me I should come in because of how unstable he was at the time. That phone call is THE SCARIEST call you can get. It's horrific to be at home and get a call from the hospital that your husband might be dying. And this wasn't even the first time that's happened to me.

Last night I slept on the couch with the TV on low, with my glasses still on and my cell phone right next to my head. I'm a bit of a wreck. Everything is making me cry.

What I'm trying really hard to do right now is stop my brain from thinking about the thousands of variables and concerns about what this all means. Whether he recovers from this or not...if he does, will he be sicker than he already was? And if the worst happens.....

But like I said, trying so hard not to think about all of that, to focus on TODAY, each minute if I have to.

One of the hardest things about going through medical crisis is that life continues to go on around you. The kids still have school, the house still needs to be cleaned up, laundry still needs to be done and bills have to get paid. I have to worry about all of that.

Thankfully I have an excellent support system. I have fabulous friends and sweet family. Gosh, that is half of what makes me emotional.

Well, my kids are home, so I'll sign off now.