Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label babies. Show all posts

January 17, 2014

Lost To Me

My babies are lost to me.

I only got to have two, and now they're no more.

My daughter is 13 and my son is about to turn 8. They are big kids.

There is nothing "baby" about them.

I miss my babies.

It's not that who they are now isn't great. It is. They are.

They are healthy and beautiful and bright and funny. They are challenging, obstinate and obnoxious.

Typical kids.

Their baby selves were soft, sweet, cuddly. They fit perfectly in the crook of my arm to nurse and nestled their sleepy little heads just below my shoulder. I could feel their breaths on my neck.

So warm.

Camryn Rose
Alexander Jared

I miss my babies.

Because, save for pictures, they are lost to me now.

I want to never forget.

__________
*I have been feeling more and more wistful like this as AJ's birthday approaches. Prodded to express it by Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop prompt #2: Write a post inspired by the word 'lost'.


January 16, 2012

The Things You Think You Know

The Listicle topic for this week was chosen by Greta at Not Enough Patience and Never Enough Jewelry:
"I'll Never...": The Top Ten Things You Said You Would NEVER Do And Have Caught Yourself Doing.
Oh yeah, I can do this.  I used to have all kinds of preconceived notions about all kinds of things, especially raising children.

I once said, but eventually ate my words:

1. I will never watch, let alone enjoy, a football game. Girls don't like football!
When I fell in love with a man who was a football fan, I decided "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em".  I didn't want to be a "football widow".  Turns out, it doesn't suck.
AJ was born the year the Seattle Seahawks (with Sean Alexander - Alexander is AJ's first name) went to the Superbowl against the Pittsburgh Steelers (the Seahawks were robbed!)

2. I will never breastfeed in public. Not that I think there's anything wrong with it - for others. I would just be too self-conscious.
When you have a screaming infant in need of milk and you're breastfeeding, you'll do it wherever you have to.  I once managed to nurse my daughter while walking around Costco.

3. I will never own one of those fancy-shmancy "cadillac" strollers.  Why the hell do you need that big of a contraption just to cart your baby around?
Turns out there are very legitimate reasons for those strollers.  You really do need a cup holder, a bin under the seat for crap, a sippy or snack cup holder for the kid and little hooks on the handle for your bags.  Moms already don't have enough hands.

4. I'll never give my kids apple juice because I don't like it.  How can I give it to my kids when I can't even stand the smell?
What my kids like and don't like has nothing to do with me!

5. I'll never be that mom in the store whose child is tugging on her pants saying, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy..." without responding.  What kind of mother just tunes her child out like that?
It's actually quite easy to tune your children out when you listen to them all.day.long.  And it so happens that in the store, you purposely ignore them because all they want is to ask you to buy something.  It doesn't mean you're being a bad mom.  It means you're sparing the child your wrath.

6. My kids will never have a video game system.  Playing video games is a mindless activity that eats brain cells.
We have both an Xbox and a Wii and my kids love them.  And I won't apologize for or feel bad about it. One of the factors for having them is where we live.  Can't kick the kids outside all the time around here.  Also, Mark spends good quality time playing video games with them.  And anyway, what's wrong with a little mindless fun?  We Americans are too uptight.
Playing Kinect

7. I will never move back to Washington. California is so cool, why would I ever want to leave?
I was born in WA, lived here with my dad until I was 12 then moved to South Lake Tahoe, CA to live with my mom.  Lived in Lake Tahoe until I was 19 and moved to the SF Bay Area where I met Mark and we lived there for 9 years, before relocating to WA in 2003.  I really never thought I would live here again.  I loved CA, thought it was the most amazing state in the union. But things priorities change when your husband's transplant fails and you have a small child and could really use some support. You start to worry about schools and medical care and raising your kids in a family friendly environment.  The Bay Area was not us; too much of a rat race with no real connections made in the 9 years we lived there (or rather, the connections we did make moved away too).
Little Cami

8. I will never scrapbook. I can't see well enough to do that, and what's wrong with simple chronologically organized photo albums?
Scrapbooking is so much better than just photo albums!  It's personal and creative and tells a story.  When I moved here and met some moms and saw their scrapbooks I oohed and aahed. They patiently worked away at my stubborness until I allowed them to buy me some things to get started for my birthday one year.  I've been on a serious hiatus from scrapbooking for (eek) a few years now, but I'm interested in exploring digital and photobooks. But my stubborn side is determined to traditionally scrapbook the pictures I have sitting in my photo box!

9. I will never knit or crochet. Who does that?
Knitting? Crocheting? What? Do people still do that? Why? Because it's cool to make stuff!  It's nice to always have something to do with my hands....making things, all the options, the yarn and needles....and how the hell did someone figure out that you could make pretty things this way?? It's fascinating!

10. I will never own a house.  It's so much easier to rent and have a landlord to be responsible for repairs and such.
I was a huge scaredy-cat about home ownership.  I don't know, I guess I felt like it would be too big of a responsibility and we had enough to stress out over anyway. Also, never thought we'd actually be able to afford our own home. But then the real estate market tanked and President Obama decided to give first-time home buyers an $8,000 incentive and, well, I caved. Turns out I kind of love paying a mortgage every month even though it really is more expensive to live in your own home. We got to paint before we moved in and completely transformed it into OURS. It's not spectacular; it's just enough room for the 4 of us and a cat. But it's our home and I'm proud of that.

Yes, I really did say and/or think all of those things at one time or another.  But I said them all before I learned about being open and all that stuff I've been talking about a lot lately. Do I sound like a broken record yet?  I'm sorry if I do. It's just that it has taken me nearly 38 years to learn some pretty big stuff. Have I mentioned that I can be stubborn sometimes? I think that's one piece of crap I'm shedding, though.


November 21, 2011

The Baby Ship Has Sailed

This is a very special edition of Monday Listicles because little ole me picked the topic!

I asked everyone to give 10 reasons why they DO or DO NOT want more children.  And if they don't yet have any kids, why that is and if they want to....or not.


making the decision to have a child


I can't wait to read what everyone has to say on this matter!

As the title of my post suggests, I am in fact done having babies.  I'm not happy or sad about this.  It's just the way it is.  Allow me to explain....

1. I am currently 37 years old and we all know that "advanced maternal age" increases the chances of complications during pregnancy and birth defects, not to mention a higher chance of TWINS.  Oy!  I had always intended to be done by 35.  Had my babies at 26 and 31.

2. My husband just turned 43 and has health problems.  Some people thought we should have been happy with just Camryn, shouldn't have pushed the baby issue.  But if you know what the desire for a baby feels like, you know it doesn't just go away easily.



3. We got lucky and have one daughter and one son.  All even-Steven like.

4. My youngest will turn 6 in January which means I am officially the mom of only school-age children.  No more diapers, pull-ups, sippy cups or cheerios all over the house.  Believe me, my children still make plenty of messes, but at least not those ones anymore!

5. My kids are both finally old enough to be away from me over night, even fly by themselves to visit grandparents.

6.  I had Gestational Diabetes with both of my pregnancies.  I am a protective mama bear so I did uber well controlling my blood sugar out of love for the developing fetus I was carrying and they were both born very healthy.  But, it increases MY chance of developing Type 2 Diabetes at some point.  And we all know how much I LOATHE Diabetes!

7. Despite having GD while pregnant, I loved it.  Being pregnant, I mean.  I also loved nursing and caring for my babies.  I do miss that.  Now I will just have to live vicariously through other mommies and wait for grandchildren.

Scrapbook page of being pregnant with AJ

8.  I'm enjoying the ever-changing phases of childhood my kids go through.  It's not all fun and games, but each one has something cool about it.


9.  Right now, Camryn just entered her middle school years and with each new year I see her grow and mature a little more.  Right now is interesting because she still has quite a bit of goofyness in her.  AJ is in kindergarten this year and soaking everything up like a sponge.  He blows me away with how smart he is!

10. Most of all, I knew the moment baby AJ was placed into my arms that my family was complete.  Truly.  I felt such contentment in that moment.  I will never forget it.

"Our Family is Complete" scrapbook page

Besides, I still have this guy.


So tell me, where do you stand on this issue?  Are you happy with your family as it is, or is something missing?







October 17, 2011

Oh, the Guilt!

A certain little pink birdy got to choose the topic for Monday Listicles this week and she chose 10 guilty pleasures.

I hate guilt.  Guilt sucks.  Mom guilt.  Survivor's guilt.  Religious Guilt.  Childhood Omnipotent Guilt.

And why, may I ask, is it necessary to feel guilty about things that make us happy?

Pfft.  Whatever.

1.  So there are my favorite food items, such as coffee, caramel and wine, which I already named in another Listicle.  It just so happens that that post is one of my most popular simply because it includes burritos!

2.  Then there are my favorite TV shows, which I just recently told you all about.  I think my most favorite is Grey's Anatomy.

source

3.  I suppose I should probably count Blogging as a guilty pleasure, because it's not something I have to do, it's something I want to do and love to do.  I also suppose social media in general is a guilty pleasure.  Again, what-ever.

source

4.  Having a huge stash of yarn!

This is an old picture. I have more.

5.  Caramel Apple Spices and Mochas from Starbucks.  Peppermint mochas in December.

source

6.  Coloring my hair probably falls under this heading.

7.  Cinnabon Caramel Pecanbon, which I hardly ever get.
source

8.  Just because they're so expensive, pecans, walnuts and cashews.

9.  I love going out to eat!  Not only do you not have to do the cooking or cleaning, but it also tastes great.

source

10.  Being a stay-at-home mom.  Yeah, I feel guilty about this sometimes.  And yes, it is a pleasure.  I have the utmost respect for working mothers, whether they have to work or just want to.  All mothers have a lot on their plates, but moms who also hold down paying jobs?  Lots more.  I feel blessed to be my kids' primary caregiver (yes, even when they're driving me nuts; it's very confusing) and to never miss a thing.  Being my kids' full-time mom is a gift I guess I owe to my bad eyes.  Ironic, hu?

My beautiful babies.


OK, so there's a list of guilty pleasures for you.  BUT, I think we should all try to feel a lot LESS guilt over the things that bring us pleasure.  Instead of guilt, feel humility and gratitude.  Give thanks, share and enjoy.    I challenge myself, and you, to do so!

"Americans know entertainment, but they don't know pleasure."
~ Luca Spaghetti, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert