Perceived Expectations

There is a big issue stuck in my head.

It is the perceived expectations of me as pertains to how I handle my husband's health problems.

How I carry myself through being the wife of a chronically ill man.

That I must always be strong. I cannot crack under the pressure. That I must just slap a smile on my face, stay positive and upbeat all the time. And that I will be judged if I don't.

But no one, not one single person, has ever said to me, "Jennifer, if you ever lose your shit, I won't respect you anymore."

On the contrary, all I've ever been told are things like "I admire you", "I don't know how you do it", "you're so strong" and even "you're amazing".

Further, I am told that I am allowed to feel whatever I feel, that I'm allowed to cry and scream if I need to. My friends tell me to "let your freak flag fly!"

Yet I remain reserved. I worry that if I do any of that, it will scare the hell out of everyone. I feel this responsibility to hold it together, for the most part, for others, because I perceive that they look to me for their own strength.

I am well aware that I am not the only person affected by Mark's health problems. It hurts his parents very much. It hurts my mother to see me dealing with such difficult things and it hurts my father because he and Mark have become real friends. Our friends are affected. Mark's co-workers worry about him. Mark is a very charismatic guy and he is well-liked by all. It hurts everyone that he and I have to go through so much.

And my kids! My son hates it when I cry; he gets very concerned. Whenever Camryn hears there might be something amiss with her dad, she frantically asks WHY? and "does he have to go to the hospital" and "will his heart stop again?"

Oh MY heart. I think for my babies, I do have to maintain my composure as best I can.

But for everyone else? I feel that I have to let go of this responsibility I feel for THEIR feelings.

How can I possibly have the energy to babysit other people's feelings? I don't have it.

I work every day at holding this family up, staying positive, finding joy, having fun. Appreciating what we have and relishing in it.

But I get weary. I get negative. And sometimes I need to cry.

That has to be OK. I need to feel like it's allowed.

Don't expect anything of me other than that I will always push on. If you see me down, know I will get back up. I'm stubborn like that.

And all I will expect hope of you is a hug. A smile. A prayer. A joke. A tissue. Leeway.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

At a Loss

My daughter has Attention Deficit Disorder. She doesn't really have the hyperactivity factor, so I leave the H out. Her problems are inattention and impulsiveness. She is forgetful and disorganized.

Camryn struggles a great deal in school. If I'm being honest, in everything that is a responsibility, really.

My biggest concern is school, though. She is currently in 7th grade. Middle school has been a shock to her system. ADD kids tend to mature at a slower rate than their peers, so the things that are expected of every other kid her age are a bit more daunting for Cami. It's like she doesn't quite 'get' things they way she ought to. Or rather, the way she is expected to.

My daughter doesn't fit into a pretty little box. Her brain works differently. She processes differently.

I think she had an actual panic attack during a portion of the state testing last week! She felt dizzy and was having a hard time catching her breath. She was having such a hard time we had to pick her up and bring her home.

Her dad and I have been banging our heads up against the school walls for years now, but most especially since Camryn entered middle school in 6th grade. I thought surely by now, nearly the end of 7th grade, she'd have figured things out, gotten into a groove and would be able manage.

But we still struggle. And it is all of us, not just her. She is struggling to hold it all together, and failing, quite literally. But we as her parents are struggling with how else to help her. What more can we do that we haven't already done?

We are good parents. Mark and I do all the things we should do for our kids. We are very interested in their schooling. We have had teachers thank us profusely for being the kind of parents who attend all the conferences, make sure homework gets done, email the teachers with questions and ask for feedback on our kids. We aren't active in the PTA, but we are attentive to what is going on with our children.

But now? Now I am at a loss as to how to help Camryn do better in school. Her teachers tell me they care, that I can email them with questions anytime, and Cami even has a 504 plan. However, I feel like I hit a wall whenever I try to communicate with her teachers, and her counselor is pretty much a non-entity due to budget cuts.

I don't know what I can reasonably expect of her as an ADD kid. Should I be expecting her to talk to her teachers herself and relay the information to me? It doesn't seem to work at all. Just yesterday I told her to talk to her science teacher about the F she currently has in his class. I asked her about it when she got home. Camryn said she did talk to him, but could not, for the life of her, remember what he said.

What am I supposed to do with that?

Camryn's inattention makes her come off as flighty and unconcerned. I must admit, it often feels to me like she just doesn't care and sometimes that makes me very impatient with her. But I know that can't be the case, because I also know a bright, inquisitive and curious child who has these moments of clarity and perceptiveness.

She isn't dumb. But I sure feel dumb not knowing what to do to help her.

Middle school isn't the be all, end all, but high school kind of is, and I feel like we're running out of time to prepare her for it.

We need some extra help, and I think that it will have to come in the form of a counselor for Camryn. Perhaps we should have had her in behavioral therapy already. I just really thought we had a handle on things because she doesn't necessarily have any behavioral problems per se. We have been lucky on that end of possible ADD issues.

This feeling of helplessness is just the worst.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Last September I wrote a post titled Coping Mechanisms in which I explained why I don't jump for joy over good news about my husband's health.

Now, it's been over a year since Mark has had any sort of stay in the hospital.

It's kind of freaking me out!

The saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" means to not nit-pick a gift. Just be grateful for it.

I am grateful.

But.....

Our gift horse is scarred.

Over this past year I have gone from thinking my husband was dying, to he may not have much time left, to how is he still here, to maybe he's actually going to be OK for awhile still....

My heart has been FULL of gratitude and awe over the course of events.

My mind, on the other hand, is confused and bewildered.

When someone is mis-diagnosed and things don't go the way they should have, it makes it that much harder to comprehend what did happen.

I cannot stress enough just how SCARED we all were last March that that was it, the end for Mark. It's what the doctors were drilling into our heads. They had no hope, so how were we supposed to?

It still makes me very angry.

Because they screwed up so badly, I am left questioning if he was treated properly AT ALL. Even since the re-diagnoses from A-Fib to V-Tach and receiving a defibrillator, I still wonder if THAT was necessary. Since he's had it, it has helped with the pacing of his heart less than 1% of the time and he has had zero arrhythmia and no shocks from the device.

Does he even need it?

But whatever. It's a safety net and we'll take it.

And I find myself thinking, is Mark somehow healthier now? This is where the gift horse comes in.

The answer is no. It absolutely is. It may seem that way on the outside looking in. His heart may be doing fairly well. But Mark is still struggling with many other things. Things that will not get better.

He may not have had to be treated for something during a hospital stay for over a year now, but that ultimately doesn't mean he's OK.

What it means to me is that God has granted us a reprieve. That last March was so awful, so traumatizing, that we earned this break. This TIME.

And I'll take it. Oh yes, I will take it.

But I do look the gift horse in the mouth.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

Can't Buy Me Love

Yes you can, actually. I have great fondness for people who give me things.

Oh like you don't! Think about it. When someone buys you something you think they're pretty awesome for doing that which makes you feel good about that person. It makes you feel loved, doesn't it?

I rest my case.

Of course I know what the point really is....that the most important things in life aren't THINGS.

Obviously.

So what are some wonderful things that don't cost a dime?

This is kind of hard because, like, I wanted to say water, because I love the stuff, but water isn't actually free. It costs money to treat it and bring it to my home.

Or Twitter. Technically Twitter is free and I love it. However, you need to have an Internet connection to use it and access to the Internet costs money.

So, maybe not the sort of stuff I should be thinking of. I never said I was the sharpest tool in the shed.

OK, ok, I got this!

10 Lovely Things That Cost Nothing

1. Hugs - good ones, not quick, obligatory ones. If you're gonna hug me, really hug me!

2. Compliments - they make people feel so good.

3. Walks - good for you, time to think.

4. Clouds - the sky is the canvas, clouds are the paint. I actually prefer a few clouds to completely clear skies.

5. A perfect spring day....70 degrees, sunny with a few clouds floating by, light breeze.

6. Sunsets - a beautiful sunset is what makes me feel the most grateful I can still see.

7. The way outside smells when it rains after it's been dry for awhile - sorta dirty and sorta clean at the same time.

8. Laughter - especially a child's.

9. My kids' long, pretty eyelashes - which they get from their father.

10. The quiet moment immediately after my son leaves for school in the morning - it's like this hush settling in and I have to debate with myself if I want it to stay quiet, or turn on some music.

Quoteswave

Linked with Monday Listicles.

The Phases of a Woman's Menstrual Cycle Through the Years

So this might be a bit TMI but we're all adults here so we can handle it. Besides, it's not as if we haven't been subject to tampon commercials for as long as we can remember.

See, I have had the good fortune of NOT having my period for quite a few years due to the use of an IUD. But about a year ago I had to have said IUD removed and, wouldn't ya know it? My period returned.

As if nothing ever happened. It was all, "Oh hey Jen, long time no see! You didn't call or write, but don't worry, I won't hold it against you. We can pick up right where we left off!"

I think it's safe to say women have a love/hate relationship with their "Aunt Flo".

Am I right, ladies?

We are eager for it or we dread it. It's easy or it's the WORST. THING. EVER. I have known women who ought not leave their houses for at least the first two days of their period, and others who barely notice it at all.

The hormones involved screw with our feelings, emotions and dietary habits. You can be eating the healthiest foods possible but when your period is looming it's all about the chocolate. And the french fries. Oh! What about french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake??

So I got to thinking about how our periods effect our lives over the years and came up with 15 stages of menstruation....

1. OMG I'm 13 and I haven't started yet! I'm such a loser! When I get it, I'll be a WOMAN!

2. *skipping down the hall....I finally got my period. I feel so grown up. NOW I'm a WOMAN!

3. Can everyone tell I'm on my period? Gross.

4. I need to go home from school because these cramps are the worst.

5. Alright, using pads feels like wearing diapers. Time to try tampons.

6. *after losing virginity.....Please don't let me get pregnant. Please don't let me get pregnant. *period arrives....Oh thank GOD!

7. *goes on the birth control pill....This is great! These control WHEN I get my period and it's not as bad (and I won't get pregnant). Best invention EVER!

8. Fuck you and your PMS jokes! Jerks! No, I am NOT "on the rag", maybe I just feel like being a bitch! (Being a girl is such a pain.)

9. *ready to have a baby.....Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.

10. *pregnancy....no period for 9 months AND I can eat more? This is fantastic!

11. I won't get my period during breastfeeding either? That's a neat trick!

12. Hey, I'm a mom now. I can get that cool IUD that might stop my period. Imma do that!

13. *wants to get pregnant again...Arg, periods. Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.

14. So I'm done have babies but now my insurance won't cover the IUD, so I'm stuck with the Pill and have to get periods even though I have NO INTENTION of getting pregnant EVER AGAIN. How is this fair?

15. Menopause can come any time now. Truly. (Will probably hate menopause.)

I'm at 14-15. Where are you at?