Looking a Gift Horse in the Mouth

Last September I wrote a post titled Coping Mechanisms in which I explained why I don't jump for joy over good news about my husband's health.

Now, it's been over a year since Mark has had any sort of stay in the hospital.

It's kind of freaking me out!

The saying "don't look a gift horse in the mouth" means to not nit-pick a gift. Just be grateful for it.

I am grateful.

But.....

Our gift horse is scarred.

Over this past year I have gone from thinking my husband was dying, to he may not have much time left, to how is he still here, to maybe he's actually going to be OK for awhile still....

My heart has been FULL of gratitude and awe over the course of events.

My mind, on the other hand, is confused and bewildered.

When someone is mis-diagnosed and things don't go the way they should have, it makes it that much harder to comprehend what did happen.

I cannot stress enough just how SCARED we all were last March that that was it, the end for Mark. It's what the doctors were drilling into our heads. They had no hope, so how were we supposed to?

It still makes me very angry.

Because they screwed up so badly, I am left questioning if he was treated properly AT ALL. Even since the re-diagnoses from A-Fib to V-Tach and receiving a defibrillator, I still wonder if THAT was necessary. Since he's had it, it has helped with the pacing of his heart less than 1% of the time and he has had zero arrhythmia and no shocks from the device.

Does he even need it?

But whatever. It's a safety net and we'll take it.

And I find myself thinking, is Mark somehow healthier now? This is where the gift horse comes in.

The answer is no. It absolutely is. It may seem that way on the outside looking in. His heart may be doing fairly well. But Mark is still struggling with many other things. Things that will not get better.

He may not have had to be treated for something during a hospital stay for over a year now, but that ultimately doesn't mean he's OK.

What it means to me is that God has granted us a reprieve. That last March was so awful, so traumatizing, that we earned this break. This TIME.

And I'll take it. Oh yes, I will take it.

But I do look the gift horse in the mouth.


Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.