May 2, 2013

The Phases of a Woman's Menstrual Cycle Through the Years

So this might be a bit TMI but we're all adults here so we can handle it. Besides, it's not as if we haven't been subject to tampon commercials for as long as we can remember.

See, I have had the good fortune of NOT having my period for quite a few years due to the use of an IUD. But about a year ago I had to have said IUD removed and, wouldn't ya know it? My period returned.

As if nothing ever happened. It was all, "Oh hey Jen, long time no see! You didn't call or write, but don't worry, I won't hold it against you. We can pick up right where we left off!"

I think it's safe to say women have a love/hate relationship with their "Aunt Flo".

Am I right, ladies?

We are eager for it or we dread it. It's easy or it's the WORST. THING. EVER. I have known women who ought not leave their houses for at least the first two days of their period, and others who barely notice it at all.

The hormones involved screw with our feelings, emotions and dietary habits. You can be eating the healthiest foods possible but when your period is looming it's all about the chocolate. And the french fries. Oh! What about french fries dipped in a chocolate milkshake??

So I got to thinking about how our periods effect our lives over the years and came up with 15 stages of menstruation....

1. OMG I'm 13 and I haven't started yet! I'm such a loser! When I get it, I'll be a WOMAN!

2. *skipping down the hall....I finally got my period. I feel so grown up. NOW I'm a WOMAN!

3. Can everyone tell I'm on my period? Gross.

4. I need to go home from school because these cramps are the worst.

5. Alright, using pads feels like wearing diapers. Time to try tampons.

6. *after losing virginity.....Please don't let me get pregnant. Please don't let me get pregnant. *period arrives....Oh thank GOD!

7. *goes on the birth control pill....This is great! These control WHEN I get my period and it's not as bad (and I won't get pregnant). Best invention EVER!

8. Fuck you and your PMS jokes! Jerks! No, I am NOT "on the rag", maybe I just feel like being a bitch! (Being a girl is such a pain.)

9. *ready to have a baby.....Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.

10. * period for 9 months AND I can eat more? This is fantastic!

11. I won't get my period during breastfeeding either? That's a neat trick!

12. Hey, I'm a mom now. I can get that cool IUD that might stop my period. Imma do that!

13. *wants to get pregnant again...Arg, periods. Please let me get pregnant. Please let me get pregnant.

14. So I'm done have babies but now my insurance won't cover the IUD, so I'm stuck with the Pill and have to get periods even though I have NO INTENTION of getting pregnant EVER AGAIN. How is this fair?

15. Menopause can come any time now. Truly. (Will probably hate menopause.)

I'm at 14-15. Where are you at?

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