Grief

This may be short and sweet.  It may get long.  I really have no clue because my thoughts and feelings are very jumbled at the moment.

At the moment?  Try for the last 5 days since my uncle passed away.

I am not the one who is hurt most by this sudden loss.  He was not my father, partner, brother or son, connections that bind tighter than uncle and niece.  Still, I feel so much.

I feel extreme empathy for my family members.  For my dad, aunt and uncle who lost another brother.  For my grandmother who lost another son.  For my cousins who last their dad, and my uncle's partner who lost her love.  And simply for the tragedy of it happening so suddenly and sooner than anyone was prepared for.

And right now, as I type this, I feel anger.  His death has been confirmed as a heart attack.  I just stopped crying over this. Too many heart attacks around me.  They seem to be my nemesis.  My husband has had two, my father one and now this.  Oh and there have been others.  The way I remember it as a child, my great-grandfather had one while driving which caused his death.

*Deep breaths* Reeling myself in before I start going off and dropping F-bombs and shit.  Oops.  Oh well.  Fuck it.

Grief.  There are stages and phases, it wanes, it waxes.  There is no prescribed amount of time it should last and everyone reacts to it differently.  I know these things.  I also know I don't have any answers.  I find myself simply shaking my head a lot, in utter disbelief with only an nth of understanding about how these things happen.

This is very hard for me because I always want to know WHY?  But I can't know.  Not about the complexities of life and death.  It's not for me to know.  It's not about me.  It's about God and universal flow and Karma and all that jazz.  I am but a spec.  My uncle is but a spec.  And I get that.  I am actually somehow comforted by this because I know it's not up to me.  God's got it covered, whether any of us can comprehend it or not.

Well, my uncle wasn't a spec to us.  He was a good uncle.  He was someone I've known my entire life.  His girls are at least 9 years younger than me and I helped take care of them when they were babies.  He bore an uncanny resemblance to my father, so much so that it actually creeped me out a little when I was a kid.  Yet on the other hand, their resemblance made him all the more familiar and safe.

Uncle Mark made the trip down to California for my wedding, and since we've returned to Washington, he's been there for many things.  He helped us move, he attended a couple of my kids' birthday parties and he always gave my kids a little something for Christmas.  Last year when my Mark was recuperating from bypass surgery, uncle Mark helped my dad take care of our lawn.  He was the guy we knew with a large enough truck to haul a couch, which he did for us twice.

I have always admired my uncle for following his passion for music.  He was a good musician and singer, beloved locally by many.  And he managed to make a living at it.  I am ashamed to say that my only experience seeing him perform live was exactly one week before he died.  Interesting thing is, I felt pushed to go to the Hometown Hootenanny that night.  We had been invited to come several times before but I had blown it off for one reason or another.  I am so glad I listened to the little internal voice telling me to go.

Mostly for me, I am rocked by the fact that another of my father's siblings is gone.  This is a huge thing to try to get used to.  It's always been the FIVE Hibbert siblings, Scott, Mark, Renee, Randy and Clay, in that order.  And I've loved them all.  Now Mark and Clay are both gone and I kinda don't know what to do with that.  I don't know how to process that this is happening out of order.  Not only among the five of them, but also that they've gone before their mother.  It doesn't make sense, and it sucks to feel like you're counting down the people in your life.

And then there's the fact that I had to ask my dad to talk with me about his plans and wishes for when his time comes.  I want to know exactly what to do, no questions.  I need my mother and step-father to do the same.

This fucking sucks.


11/1/11: Linking to Lovelinks!

Loss

Unfortunately, this is not a Monday Listicle.  I fully intended to write a list today, but life had other ideas.  I'm just not feeling it this week, and I promised myself I would never force a blog post.  That wouldn't be authentic.

However, this post begs to be written.

The thing is, my family on my father's side suffered a great loss on Saturday.  My father's older brother died suddenly, my Uncle Mark.

photo credit
Mark Hibbert
1949-2011

He was just 62 and had no apparent condition or illness.  We suspect a heart attack, but we are awaiting official cause of death.

Uncle Mark was a musician and was with his band mates getting ready and packed up for a gig when he collapsed.  A friend and emergency services tried for an hour to revive him, but he was gone.

My family is reeling right now.  We've also lost my Grandfather and my Uncle Clay, in what I would consider not a very long amount of time, just a handful of years.  The 5 Hibbert siblings are now down to 3.  My poor Grandmother has had to say goodbye to 2 of her children.  I can't understand this.  My cousins and my uncle's long-time girlfriend are devastated.

My father called me right after my Aunt Renee, his sister, called him.  He said the words "Mark Hibbert has just died" (he had to use his brother's last name because of my Mark) but I could hardly repeat those words until I spoke with my dad again later and he let me know he had actually seen him.  It was real.

I have been lucky to have not experienced very much death in my life up until now.  Both my parents are still living and so are some grandparents.  My husband is still with me.  That in itself is huge.  I am grateful for every day I continue to have with my Mark, and no matter how many more we have, I will continue to be grateful.

But now?  Now I am starting to have experiences with death.  I imagine this must be the worst thing about getting older.  I now know the difference between an expected death, when someone is dying and you know it, and a sudden death.  Even when you know someone is dying, it doesn't make the day it happens any easier.  When someone dies suddenly, it's actually frightening.  I felt scared and vulnerable after getting that phone call.

Everyone in my family is stunned, floored, bewildered and just so sad.  It breaks my heart.

Sunday morning my Facebook feed was a virtual tribute to Uncle Mark.  From my Aunt Renee sharing everything she came across about my uncle, to my cousin Sara sharing the memories of the kindred spirit she found in our uncle as a musician.  Then this morning, my cousin Caitlin simply loving and missing her dad.

My prayer right now is that whomever reads this will send their prayers and warm thoughts our way, to help hold my family during this sad time.  Thank you.

"Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak

whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."

~ William Shakespeare