January 16, 2013

Kid Gloves

I feel lately like when I say something about the trauma I've been through people feel they need to console me in some way.

I don't know if they mean to make me think they think I'm weak, but that's often what I feel.

Like I have FRAGILE: Handle With Care stamped across my forehead.

I suppose I am kind of fragile.

But dangit, It makes me feel like I shouldn't say anything at all. It makes me feel like everyone is waiting for me to crack.

To become the puddle I've so long been fearing I'd turn into.

The puddle that I'm actually learning to not be afraid of.

But now it feels like everyone else is afraid of it.

Oh my god, Jen's just gotta lose it eventually!

We should walk on eggshells around her; handle her with kid gloves because she might crack.

I feel like my friends have stopped sharing their lives with me, even holding me at arm's length. Like because I go through some hard things that I couldn't possibly still care about their lives.

I don't know if that's the truth. I just know that's how it feels to me.

It feels lonely.

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone they'll complain about some aspect of their life and then stop themselves and say something like, "Oh but that's not anything like what you deal with....".

So? My troubles are mine and your troubles are yours and it's all subjective anyway.

I don't corner the market on pain. And I would never presume to.

Shouldn't we all just be there for each other?

Is it because I've finally sought out counseling? But that is what will help me be stronger.

And everyone says I should, that I need it and it's good for me.


So I'm confused. I am confused about what people are trying to do where I'm concerned.

Is it support? But it feels more like......not being given any credit.

I don't know. Like I said, it's confusing.

It's all making me feel sort of dumb.

And I don't know what to do with that.

Linked with Pour Your Heart Out.

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